# My Sexual Troubles (obviously TMI) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 29, 2005, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705 "2005-03-29T01:10:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Red\_Stilettos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Red\_Stilettos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Stilettos)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/21 "2005-03-29T22:01:49Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > \I need to please my partner. I find it practically impossible to climax if I am not simultaneously making them feel good. > \ > Basically what I’m saying is there might be some “thing” that needs to be done for you to get fully aroused and acheive orgasm. Maybe you need her to move in a certain way, maybe you need to do a partciular foreplay beforehand, but no matter what it may be, the only way you’ll find out is by getting comfortable doing these things with anther person, whuich means doing them a lot, which can be very fun 😃 > > So try to stop fretting over it and just have fun as berst you can, and I’m sure it will come (pun intended) naturally. From a woman’s perspective, I can say that this is very true. I think most people want to please their partner. For me, that kept me from just relaxing and enjoying my feelings because I was worried about him feeling good. It took the right person (and quite a while with him) for me to really understand that he wants _me_ to feel good. So being selfish for the time it takes to get off is a good thing. I would think that this works in reverse too. I certainly want him to feel good, so at times he needs to stop worrying about me and let me worry about us both. As for the OP, I agree with all of the people who say to just try to relax. Non-sexual physical intimacy (back rubs, hair-brushing, cuddling, etc.) will get both of you used to getting and giving good sensations. As that becomes more comfortable, it will probably also become more sexual. And once the pressure is off, this problem will probably disappear. ---
**Author:** ![Elvez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8491ac/32.png) [@Elvez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elvez)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/22 "2005-03-30T01:16:38Z")
Talk to a doctor. Seriously. It’s probably the axiety blocking your ability to feel anything else, and it’s affecting you physically. It won’t be the last time your brain gets in the way of your body. Doctors get sample packets of Viagra all the time. Ask him for a sample to see if it can get you past the the mental block. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/23 "2005-03-30T04:03:13Z")
> [@Elvez](#): > > Talk to a doctor. Seriously. It’s probably the axiety blocking your ability to feel anything else, and it’s affecting you physically. It won’t be the last time your brain gets in the way of your body. Doctors get sample packets of Viagra all the time. Ask him for a sample to see if it can get you past the the mental block. Hahaha! Yeah, right. At best viagra will give you a placebo effect. It’s only for people that can’t physically get it up, it won’t help you with mental problems. ---
**Author:** ![Elvez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8491ac/32.png) [@Elvez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elvez)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/24 "2005-03-30T05:27:23Z")
> [@Silentgoldfish](#): > > Hahaha! Yeah, right. At best viagra will give you a placebo effect. It’s only for people that can’t physically get it up, it won’t help you with mental problems. I’m just saying it might help eliminate the physical issues for a couple hours. Maybe if he doesn’t have to worry about anything and can relax a bit, it’ll get easier. (Funny as hell because I’m listening to Chuck Berry’s _Reelin’ and Rockin’_) ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/25 "2005-03-30T06:23:04Z")
> [@Elvez](#): > > I’m just saying it might help eliminate the physical issues for a couple hours. Maybe if he doesn’t have to worry about anything and can relax a bit, it’ll get easier. > > (Funny as hell because I’m listening to Chuck Berry’s _Reelin’ and Rockin’_) Unless he’s suffering from a biologically caused erectile disfunction it won’t do a thing. It’s not going to help with performance anxiety. And I can just see a doc prescribing anything to someone that’s only suffering from first time jitters (which, by the way, is all this sounds like). ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/26 "2005-03-30T06:31:51Z")
> [@ronincyberpunk](#): > > Well that was my original attribution, since the girl attempting oral on me was not the supermodel of my dreams. But the girl this weekend is the one who I am extremely attracted to and still it remained a limp noodle. So that’s why I’m thinking it requires action on my part. This sounds pretty straightforward… the first time it didn’t happen because the attraction wasn’t there, but the second time it didn’t happen because you were still worrying about the first time. It sure doesn’t help when people are talking about it. You feel pressed to give one good performance to prove to yourself and everyone else that you’re back in the saddle, but it doesn’t exactly work like that. Don’t worry, when you get to the right time with the right girl, this will fix itself. But until then I don’t think there’s much you can do about it other than buying some of those expensive boner pills. When I was in my 20’s I had this problem for about 2 years, and it fixed itself when I met someone that I really cared about. You also might want to back off on that porn… I don’t think it really damages your sensitivity but it might skew your expectations. ---
**Author:** ![Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ec9cab/32.png) [@Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ink_a_dink_a_dink)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/27 "2005-03-30T06:54:52Z")
> [@Silentgoldfish](#): > > Unless he’s suffering from a biologically caused erectile disfunction it won’t do a thing. It’s not going to help with performance anxiety. > > And I can just see a doc prescribing anything to someone that’s only suffering from first time jitters (which, by the way, is all this sounds like). True, Viagra nor Cialis will assist with performance anxiety. Niether will it **give** you an erection. It merely assists you when you do have an erection to maintain it for a longer duration. You do not take Viagra nor Cialis and whammo, get the big boner. Hear me folks - that’s a myth. While doctors are prescribing Viagra and Cialis to others than those experiencing erectile disfunction (i.e., men with prostate problems, older men who are just having trouble …you know), they would not recommend it for getting over the hump - and actually, neither would I (though IANAD, so who cares). It won’t improve your performance if you can’t get there, and seriously, if you truly think there may be a medical impediment, why not find out now rather than spend years agonizing over “why am I different…”. As for the person who said to lay off the porn a bit - I would have to disagree. depends on what kind of porn you’re watching, and if it works for you. If it does, then go for it. There’s nothing wrong with a little spice in your life. Honestly. Be well and play safe. With respect, Inky ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/28 "2005-03-30T07:44:03Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > After that night, the next encounter was a few motnhs later in February. I had a date with a girl I knew ahd feelings for me. Well, again, it was a very sexually experienced girl, and we went to bed that night (once again, no “sex” sex.) However, I was finally able to climax from another person, and I figured out the reason. I need to please my partner. I find it practically impossible to climax if I am not simultaneously making them feel good. I never thought about that. This could be why I’ve never gotten off to oral sex, either. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2005, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705/29 "2005-03-30T09:23:11Z")
\*\*ronincyberpunk \*\*, you mentioned my similar kind of problem. Well, I have some good news. It gets better. It really does. Because things for me right now (in many categories, not just oral sex) have improved dramatically over time. For me, the big factor was that I was over-thinking things. First I couldn’t get an erection/get off on whatever (oral sex, in this example). Then I found out the reason might be because I was nervous. All right, don’t be nervous…don’t be nervous…don’t be…You see where this is headed? I was over-thinking things. Once I was aware I had a problem I was obsessed about it. And I was either obsessed about it or trying NOT to obsess about it. This would just wig me out and made it difficult to relax. What helped the most is just _forgetting_ about the whole damn erection/orgasm problem alltogether and enjoying the experience. Once I got to that point, suddenly everything ‘worked’ the way I had assumed it should. So just be patient, but don’t expect things to improve over a strict time frame. Everybody’s bodies are different so the best thing now is just to try to enjoy it for what it is and be patient and communicate with your girlfriend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sexual-troubles-obviously-tmi/296705.md?page=1)