# My sister is in jail **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 31, 2016, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718 "2016-01-31T00:53:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/21 "2016-01-31T16:57:34Z")
Much sage advice here IMO. One possible “bright spot”. Maybe THIS is the wake up call she needs. Yes, it sounds bad but that first big call could have ended up much worse, like major drug dealing or a crime where somebody dies. An analogy. Person A has a drinking problem. The get into minor trouble here and there. Then finally they get one too many DUI’s. They can’t drive, spend some time in jail and basically mess up their current life. But they can recover from all that. Now imagine person B. Same things EXCEPT their big wake up call is when they are DUI and kill a family in another car. Their life is now fucked pretty much. Person A and B are pretty much the same. One just got a much better wake up call due to chance mostly. One could be person A or know person A and be bemoaning what follows. But another way to look at it is to thank God it did not go the way of person B instead and use this chance to finally take a new road. Some people hit rock bottom. Some people fall into a bottomless well. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/22 "2016-01-31T18:42:51Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > It will feel heartless, but since she’s been in trouble before, you and your family should seriously consider letting her face the music on her own. If your parents feel the need to pay for anything, I’d suggest a private attorney. But do not pay for her probationary or restitution fees. Just don’t. Make her stand on her feet and pay them herself. > > If she goes to prison, yes, send letters and packages. Help her with her commissary account (prison food is freakin’ inedible, and they don’t provide much in the way of hygiene products). But don’t get sucked in to constantly giving large amounts of money for legal costs. If you do, it will keep on forever. > > Hang in there. It’s really hard, I know. You might consider talking to a therapist, because this is stressful. This is all true. To emphasise the key points: - keep in touch with her - only pay for an attorney or prison stuff - make sure your family understand that givng her money do no good, but will go on forever (until all the money is gone) - get help for yourselves ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/23 "2016-01-31T19:33:54Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > The point I believe is that family continues to look through rose colored glasses. My boy isn’t a gang member he just hangs out with them. My sister isn’t a criminal she just hangs out with troublemakers and gets drawn into their schemes… > [@Pantastic](#): > > I agree with Loach, you’re going to have a bad time if you keep the rose-colored glasses on and insist that she’s really smart and just happens to hang out with criminals and just happens to get caught up in other people’s schemes… Yes, except, shoplifting and writing bad checks or taking dishonest loans are bad, yes, but as everyone loves to keep pointing out they are - choices - they could of been much worse choices. People on drugs do wind up doing bad things but that her choices thus far have not been violent says something for her at least. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/24 "2016-01-31T20:04:07Z")
So sorry to hear your sister is in trouble, and that it is causing you distress. I have no advice that hasn’t already been mentioned. She’s your sister, she will always be your sister, it’s fine to stay in touch (and certainly if she winds up with an extended stay behind bars keeping in touch with her will benefit her), but you should insulate yourself from her schemes and their consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/25 "2016-01-31T20:27:09Z")
> [@boffking](#): > > She has had a criminal record since 9th grade. She likes to hang out with troublemakers who put her up to doing bad things. Her first offense was shoplifting, which she got community service for. She graduated high school last year, and we all thought she turned her life around. About a month later, she got a boyfriend who was a crook. They we’re both arrested for drug possession in August, and the charges we’re dropped. A couple months later, he dropped out of college and took out massive student loans so they could run away to Florida. She has been trying to scam everyone in our family for money, and debt notices keep coming to my house with her name on them. Today our dad told me that on Thursday, she was arrested on for grand theft, identity theft, and credit card fraud. These are all felony charges. They are holding her in jail until her trial. She is a smart person, and could do a lot if she didn’t get sucked into other people’s schemes. Merely a suggestion; if you’re in the US you and your folks should check your credit reports _just in case_; you can do so for free at annualcreditreport,com, the federal government’s clearinghouse for the annual free report everyone w/ a SNN is entitled to. I mention it b/c you said mail for her has come to your address; either she gave it out or debt-collecting skip tracers are already on her trail. ---
**Author:** ![boffking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/858c86/32.png) [@boffking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boffking)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/26 "2016-01-31T20:29:18Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > I mention it b/c you said mail for her has come to your address; either she gave it out or debt-collecting skip tracers are already on her trail. This is a good idea, although , she actually did live here before she ran away to Florida. I asked her several times to go to the post office and change her address, but she hasn’t done it. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/27 "2016-01-31T21:02:48Z")
Given that people she owes money to are looking for her what possible incentive does she have to change her address? It’s so much more convenient _for her_ to have them send such mail to you. I think you need to consider that your sister’s problems are not entirely a matter of other people leading her astray. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/28 "2016-01-31T21:40:26Z")
> [@Robert163](#): > > Yes, except, shoplifting and writing bad checks or taking dishonest loans are bad, yes, but as everyone loves to keep pointing out they are - choices - they could of been much worse choices. People on drugs do wind up doing bad things but that her choices thus far have not been violent says something for her at least. Does it? Women’s crimes typically aren’t violent, compared to men. A cousin of mine did ten years in prison on her last stint and her first arrest almost forty years ago was shoplifting with her no account boyfriend as a high schooler. In all that time, not a hint of violence on her part. She didn’t straighten out, btw, until the last holdout in the family, her twin brother, cut her off (his wife was accosted by some lowlifes about money his sister owed). ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2016, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/29 "2016-01-31T22:22:31Z")
> [@Robert163](#): > > Yes, except, shoplifting and writing bad checks or taking dishonest loans are bad, yes, but as everyone loves to keep pointing out they are - choices - they could of been much worse choices. People on drugs do wind up doing bad things but that her choices thus far have not been violent says something for her at least. She’s someone who has no problem stealing from and using other people. They are BAD choices, they are choices that will land her in the prison system, and they are choices that mean she will hurt family members. Sure she could be worse, but sitting around going ‘well, she only cut off my arm, she could have cut off both arms!’ is a good way to keep becoming a victim of her bad choices. ---
**Author:** ![boffking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/858c86/32.png) [@boffking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boffking)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2016, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/30 "2016-02-16T18:37:18Z")
We just found out that my sister was placed in a medical unit because she is pregnant. Even if she wasn’t in jail, she is in no way ready or able to take care of a child. She will be in jail for at least another month, as her court date isn’t until the middle of March. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/31 "2016-02-16T19:42:40Z")
I’m so sorry. It sounds like she’s made a right mess of her life. ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2016, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/32 "2016-02-16T21:43:29Z")
Not that your post asked for advice, but . . . I have a 38-year-old sister who has been a prescription drug junkie for at least 15 years. She doctor shops and occasionally “plans” an overdose so she can enjoy the drama of an ambulance ride and ER attention. Having done a lot of reading, I’m pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder in addition to the drug problems (which probably feed one another). But: while she may be compromised by drugs/mental illness, I finally drew a line in the sand and haven’t spoken to her in nearly three years. It was rough at first, but it eventually brought a lot of peace to my soul. My mother occasionally tries to suck me back into the drama (“why don’t you just call your sister, she’s having a rough time” and so on) and I no longer bite. Sometimes refusing to be in a supporting actor role in someone else’s drama is the best thing one can do. It doesn’t mean our sisters will ever “see the light,” but the only person we can fix is ourselves. Okay, switching from lecture to compassionate mode: I’m sorry you and your family are going through this, it’s painful to watch someone you love systematically f\*\*k up their life – especially at a young age. ---
**Author:** ![Arcite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/67e7ee/32.png) [@Arcite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arcite)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718/33 "2016-02-17T00:14:21Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > The point I believe is that family continues to look through rose colored glasses. My boy isn’t a gang member he just hangs out with them. My sister isn’t a criminal she just hangs out with troublemakers and gets drawn into their schemes. I’m a psychiatrist who has done a lot of work with addicts. A colleague once put this in a rather pithy way that has stuck with me: “these people are always ‘falling in with the wrong crowd.’ Ever notice you never meet an actual member of the wrong crowd?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-sister-is-in-jail/744718.md?page=1)