# My small family just got smaller **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 15, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148 "2011-07-15T17:33:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/1 "2011-07-15T17:33:32Z")
There are three words you never want to hear together; “cancer”, “brain”, and “mom”. I got to hear them last December. I got a call on the 4th, flew cross-country on the 5th, and waited in the hospital while she had surgery on the 6th. She was home in a couple days. Then there were appointments with the oncologist, and six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. She seemed better, and worse, and better again. It was all for naught, it seems; they took an MRI after the treatments and the inoperable part of the tumor was bigger than when they started. We took care of her at home for as long as we could, but she needed skills that we just didn’t have. I found a nursing home and we moved her there on the day after Easter. She died last week. She had great help. Friends she’s known for decades came out of the woodwork to look after her while I chased around for medical records and insurance forms. The staff at the nursing home and from hospice looked after her; never in much physical pain and there was medication to help relieve her anxiety. She grew less and less responsive, but she had music, flowers, friends, and time to sit outside in the sun. I joke sometimes that I could have a family reunion in the corner booth at Denny’s. There’s me, my brother, and my uncle (married to my mom’s sister until she died about fifteen years ago). And there’s my dad, who my brother hasn’t spoken to for thirty years. And my stepmother. And that’s about it. I’ve never known quite how to respond to threads like this. Now that I’m writing one, I still don’t. I guess I would ask each of you to do something my mom would have liked. Grow a flower, go to an opera, give your cat a treat, play a game of bridge with old friends. I was lucky that I could put everything on hold to look after her. I’ll be back to Boston next week to move out of my apartment and put my stuff in storage. Back to Tacoma to settle th estate, then apartment hunting in Boston again. And then maybe get the rest of my life back together. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/2 "2011-07-15T17:36:42Z")
Sorry for your loss, **Robot Arm**. ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/3 "2011-07-15T17:40:21Z")
My condolences to you and yours. I haven’t lost either of my folks yet - I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/4 "2011-07-15T17:41:22Z")
I’m so sorry. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/5 "2011-07-15T17:50:37Z")
I’m so sorry. You have my most sincere condolences. My mom passed 10 months ago. You’re right about doing something mom would have liked. I try to do something each day that would make my mom happy, too. It helps me cope, I guess. May you find peace. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/6 "2011-07-15T18:03:45Z")
I never know what to say either, but I’m so sorry for your loss and I’ll heed your words today. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/7 "2011-07-15T18:09:37Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I’ve never known quite how to respond to threads like this. Now that I’m writing one, I still don’t. I guess I would ask each of you to do something my mom would have liked. Grow a flower, go to an opera, give your cat a treat, play a game of bridge with old friends. It’s hard because I don’t know how to express empathy with a stranger without sounding like a fraud. I can, however, follow instructions. Be well. ---
**Author:** ![JoThrive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@JoThrive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoThrive)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/8 "2011-07-15T18:44:12Z")
Things like this are difficult to deal with. Hang in there, it will get easier. Just try to remember the good times - ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/9 "2011-07-15T18:53:27Z")
I’ll give my cats some soft food, they like that but don’t get it often. I’m so sorry for your loss. I dread the day it happens to me. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/10 "2011-07-15T19:11:52Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I’ve never known quite how to respond to threads like this. Now that I’m writing one, I still don’t. I guess I would ask each of you to do something my mom would have liked. Grow a flower, go to an opera, give your cat a treat, play a game of bridge with old friends. I really like this idea. In memory of your mom, a wave of constructive actions rippling out across the land. I plan to bring some joy to the kitties as soon as I get home. Strength to you in getting through all that you’re facing right now. ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/11 "2011-07-15T19:15:09Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have given my animals some hugs and scratches in your mom’s honor. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/12 "2011-07-15T19:32:07Z")
I’m so sorry to hear that, Root. Our sympathies to you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/13 "2011-07-15T19:33:50Z")
I’m so very sorry. My kitties will get a small amount of fresh cream tonight with dinner in honor. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/14 "2011-07-15T20:00:08Z")
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a mother to cancer. May she rest in peace and your heart find healing in time. My kitties will get an extra few Greenies tonight in honor of your mother. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/15 "2011-07-15T21:27:30Z")
Thanks, everyone. I will be okay. I kind of hate to say it, but there is some sense of relief, too. There were times when she didn’t seem to recognize me, others when I’d sit with her brecause she was certain there was something important she had to tell me, but couldn’t think of it. Suffering isn’t always physical. I know she periods of fear and great frustration. At the end, I don’t know how aware she even was. > [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I really like this idea. In memory of your mom, a wave of constructive actions rippling out across the land. That’s the idea. Think it’ll go viral? > [@MissTake](#): > > I’m so sorry to hear that, Root. > Our sympathies to you and your family. Thanks. Now you know why I haven’t been playing poker lately. > [@Shayna](#): > > My kitties will get an extra few Greenies tonight in honor of your mother. Roasted chicken flavor? Those are Gracie’s favorite. There are two cats here, and I’ve become quite attached to them in half a year. I’m not quite sure what will happen to them. My brother will be keeping the house, but I think his plan is to sell it and get a condo. He’s never lived on his own or held a job more strenuous than a paper route. I may have to find one of mom’s friends to take them, or move one or both of them back to Boston with me. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/16 "2011-07-15T21:32:58Z")
Extra treats for my kitty tonight and a reminder that he still has me and he should be grateful (small joke there). I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find a great apartment that takes cats. And I hope a lot of Dopers do something nice in honor of your mom, who surely deserves to be honored with a good deed. ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2011, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/17 "2011-07-15T22:32:08Z")
My condolences. I’ve been really lazy about getting my garden back in shape. I’ll make it a point to finish at least part of it today, and get some stuff planted in her honor. -D/a ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2011, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/18 "2011-07-16T00:41:58Z")
_hugs_ I’m so sorry, Robot Arm. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/19 "2011-07-16T02:12:59Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I’ve never known quite how to respond to threads like this. Now that I’m writing one, I still don’t. I guess I would ask each of you to do something my mom would have liked. Grow a flower, go to an opera, give your cat a treat, play a game of bridge with old friends. Absolutely. I’m so, so sorry. My mother has uterine cancer that has spread to her lungs and brain, and it is probably terminal…I pray that she passes as peacefully as your mother has. With cancer, that really is a blessing. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2011, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148/20 "2011-07-16T02:39:21Z")
I’m sorry for you losing your mom. I think of her while I’m watching the “Antonia” portion of “The Tales of Hoffmann” this opera season. That’s my favorite opera, and the Chicago Lyric Opera is performing it this year. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-small-family-just-got-smaller/589148.md?page=2)