# My SO has an Overdraft Fee problem. I'm desperate, please help me! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 19, 2005, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308 "2005-12-19T16:26:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/41 "2005-12-19T18:36:18Z")
Does she have an overdraft fee problem or a spending problem? If she has an overdraft fee problem, then she’s dyslexic with money and has not evolved coping mechanisms. If she has a spending problem, then she’s self-destructive. The difference between these two is whether or not \*she \*thinks she has a problem. If she does not see that her behavior is self-destructive, then you need to get out of the relationship. If she does see that it’s a problem and wants to find a way to not hurt herself with spending, but just does not have the capability to do so, then some of the suggestions here may help. So which is it? Does she want out, or do you want out for her? As has been pointed out already, if she does not want to change, all you are going to do is get sucked down with her. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/42 "2005-12-19T18:39:43Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > They’re not married, so I doubt this will work. The direct deposit will only go into an account with her name on it, which she will have access to. They will also only make the paycheck out to her, not to her SO. Her boss is not her babysitter, what does he care what she does with her paycheck? Actually, I don’t think that’s true. Funds can be deposited in, say, an ex’s account for child support, can’t they? I think you can deposit your funds anywhere you want. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/43 "2005-12-19T18:42:51Z")
I’m pretty sure her name has to be somewhere on the account. As for child support, IIRC, the money is paid to the court, and the court dispurses the money. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/44 "2005-12-19T19:22:00Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > They’re not married, so I doubt this will work. The direct deposit will only go into an account with her name on it, which she will have access to. They will also only make the paycheck out to her, not to her SO. Her boss is not her babysitter, what does he care what she does with her paycheck? This might be one of those things that is covered under the ADA; if the OP can prove that she has some medical problem (bipolar disorder, dyscalculia, or whatever) that would be helped by giving the woman a check or cash, and that he acts as a kind of caretaker (because face it OP, that’s what you’ve become), it might be worked. If it was a small enough company, they might be willing to do it if you just asked. Although I think what this lady needs the most is some tough love, not people pandering to her whims. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/45 "2005-12-19T19:31:52Z")
Again, unless they’re married, I don’t think he has a legal right to be her “caretaker,” unless there’s some notarized form somewhere giving him that authority. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/46 "2005-12-19T20:03:45Z")
They could open a joint account purely for the purpose of putting her money in it, which would resolve any potential issues. That’s aside from the main point, though – should he be taking care of her in this way? IMO, if she’s really struggling with money (dyslexic with dollars, as it were) then this might give her the tools she needs. If she does not realize that spending money matters (as my fortunately-ex-sister-in-law did not) then she’s not helpable. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/47 "2005-12-19T20:09:07Z")
> [@Brainiac4](#): > > They could open a joint account purely for the purpose of putting her money in it, which would resolve any potential issues. No joint account, because his credit will get screwed up. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/48 "2005-12-19T20:11:11Z")
It sounds to me like there’s a pretty easy solution. CASH! Cash for everything. Seriously. I’ve heard of people cutting up a credit card. She has to cut up her check book. She should cash her check each week and walk around with the cash. She could get robbed 4 times a year and still make out better than what she’s doing now. Shit, she shouldn’t have a bank account. Why have one? She doesn’t use savings, and her checking account just costs her tons of money. See if she can send cash to the electric company to pay her bill. The mailman steals it every now and then? FUCK IT. It’s better than getting charged hundreds of dollars every couple months. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/49 "2005-12-19T20:59:33Z")
First, I would like to thank you all for this deluge of replies. I did no expect so many. Second, I know my description of my SO sounds bad but it’s only because we’re focusing on one of her problems. I’m not going to go into details because it would take me too long but she’s a fine individual with some flaws. I _gots_ plenty of flaws myself. Probably more than her! Moving on! So far, I really like the idea of the prepaid visa cards. Someone mentionned Visa Buxx and it looks like it might be the best shot. Unfortunately, it seems to be for teens only (and my SO is 25 yo) and I am not her legal guardian. If anyone here knows of a similar card which she could use, please let me know. I use Citibank if that’s any help. ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/50 "2005-12-19T21:05:09Z")
I am not understanding why she needs to have a card of any kind. What is wrong with old-fashioned cash? If you really want some kind of card, would [American Express Gift Cards](http://www10.americanexpress.com/sif/cda/page/0,1641,16130,00.asp) work? Although I think they are only accepted where Amex is accepted, which is to say, not everywhere. What about travelers checks? ---
**Author:** ![Hakuna\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hakuna\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hakuna_Matata)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/51 "2005-12-19T21:13:20Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > What does this mean, she’s good in bed? She can whip up a mean meatloaf? She takes a shower once a week whether she needs it or not? > > Part of looking for a life partner is finding someone with similar values and ethics, someone you can depend on in a crunch. If she’s this wasteful with money, how will you ever buy a house? What financial lessons will she teach your children? That no matter how much you spend, Daddy will bail you out? What happens if you predecease her? Will she manage to run through what you’ve worked hard to accumulate over decades of employment in a matter of months? > > She’s a child. You need a woman. Either she straightens up or you bail. ivylass and astro hit it on the head run…far away…as quickly as you can take your wallet with you 😃 ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/52 "2005-12-19T21:15:35Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > It sounds to me like there’s a pretty easy solution. > > CASH! > > Cash for everything. Seriously. I’ve heard of people cutting up a credit card. She has to cut up her check book. > > She should cash her check each week and walk around with the cash. She could get robbed 4 times a year and still make out better than what she’s doing now. > > Shit, she shouldn’t have a bank account. Why have one? She doesn’t use savings, and her checking account just costs her tons of money. See if she can send cash to the electric company to pay her bill. > > The mailman steals it every now and then? FUCK IT. It’s better than getting charged hundreds of dollars every couple months. It doesn’t have to be that drastic. A lot of smaller savings banks and credit unions will not give you overdraft. The fees are much smaller and, more important, they don’y pay. As long as her purchases get paid, and she’s still in good atanding with the merchants, she’s not going to try to figure out if she can afford the purchase. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/53 "2005-12-19T21:25:41Z")
> [@Gozu](#): > > If anyone here knows of a similar card which she could use, please let me know. I use Citibank if that’s any help. From my earlier link: [Visa Gift Card](http://usa.visa.com/personal/cards/prepaid/visa_gift_card.html?it=l2%7C/personal/cards/prepaid/gift_card_how%2Ehtml%7CVisa%20Gift%20Card). You can get them for anyone. And there’s a list of providers in that link also. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/54 "2005-12-19T21:26:24Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > No joint account, because his credit will get screwed up. Good point. I repeat earlier unanswered questions: what things is she spending money on, and what purchases does she _need_ to make that cannot be made with cash? Does she have an overdraft fee problem, or an understanding money problem, or a spending problem? You need to know what the core issue is, and you need to decide if you are signing up to solve it for her, to help her solve it, or packing up your shit and moving out. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/55 "2005-12-19T21:35:52Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > From my earlier link: [Visa Gift Card](http://usa.visa.com/personal/cards/prepaid/visa_gift_card.html?it=l2%7C/personal/cards/prepaid/gift_card_how%2Ehtml%7CVisa%20Gift%20Card). You can get them for anyone. And there’s a list of providers in that link also. Those are not rechargeable. I need something that i can transfer money to regularly for her to use. I do not want to purchase a new visa gift card every week or two if I can help it. ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/56 "2005-12-19T21:48:50Z")
> [@Gozu](#): > > -My SO not having a bank account at all. Keeping all her money as cash and using that as needed. This, again, results in my card being used for all the transactions where cash won’t do. No good. I have read the thread again to see what I must be missing. **In what situations will cash not do?** Please could you name one, as I cannot think of any. She can’t rent a car from most places with a debit card anyway, so that’s not it. If she’s traveling WITH you, then you can hold and handle your own card for the reservation. If she’s traveling alone, well she’s SOL then. Please tell me, why is cash-only not an option for her? ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/57 "2005-12-19T21:53:41Z")
Perhaps a Visa Payroll card is the appropriate one? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/58 "2005-12-19T21:54:04Z")
> [@Gozu](#): > > Those are not rechargeable. I need something that i can transfer money to regularly for her to use. I do not want to purchase a new visa gift card every week or two if I can help it. [Visa TravelMoney](http://usa.visa.com/personal/cards/prepaid/visa_travel_money.html?it=c%7C/personal/cards/prepaid/index%2Ehtml%7C/img/text/lh_visa_travelmoney%2Egif) ---
**Author:** ![Prancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8dc957/32.png) [@Prancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prancer)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/59 "2005-12-19T22:08:39Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Oh, and just in case we’re missing something here…does she suffer from some sort of bipolar disorder? Uncontrolled spending is one of the symptoms of manic depression. I was just going to say that I was just as bad as your SO…until I was diagnosed at bipolar. Now, I’m still not that great, but I’m 80% better. In the past year there have only been two months I’ve had NSF charges, as opposed to 10. As my meds are tweaked I’m more able to confront my money, spending, credit & lack of math skills problems. I’m hoping to either file bankruptcy or get into credit counseling (whichever is a better choice) this year. I’m 35, and I just now have the ability to even think about to tackling these problems. But, that being said, I’m not in a relationship and haven’t been for 15 years, because I know I’m not ready. I need to be responsible about my finances before I hook up with someone and become part of a couple. I mean, your patience is amazing, but I wouldn’t want to put up with my behavior or your SOs behavior if I didn’t have to! ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308/60 "2005-12-19T22:16:01Z")
> [@missbunny](#): > > I have read the thread again to see what I must be missing. **In what situations will cash not do?** Please could you name one, as I cannot think of any. Online purchases? Granted, that’s not that big a deal. She could always give me cash and have me use one of my cards instead I suppose. It would also be a bit worrisome for her to be always carrying a lot of cash. I am not discarding the cash option. If I cannot find any prepaid card with reasonable fees and **no possibility of overdraft** (many of these so-called prepaid card agreements say stuff about how overdraft fees may be applied if the balance is exceeded! That would negate the point entirely of course. I’ll have to watch for that.). Some of the **theoretical** advantages of prepaid cards are: Convenience : I can transfer funds online. No need to drive to the nearest citibank atm to withdraw cash everytime she needs a refill. Safety: If a card is lost/stolen, it would theoretically not be usable by anyone who doesn’t know the pin. It could also be cancelled and a replacement issued. Monitoring: She can take a look at her purchases online and see how she spent her money. That is useful. Back when I lived in Spain, I had a Caja de Granada debit card with the Maestro logo that allowed me to get cash at any ATM and at any retail stores that lets you enter a pin. And if I didn’t have money, it would simply not let the transaction through. No loopholes of any kind. You simply could not use it as a credit card. then again, my bank didn’t have anything similar to an “overdraft fee”. if, by accident, you went over, you were just in the red until you put money in the account. Sigh, that’s exactly what my SO needs. Maybe we should move to Spain. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-so-has-an-overdraft-fee-problem-im-desperate-please-help-me/336308.md?page=4)