# My son wants me to apologize for ruining his day **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 29, 2010, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276 "2010-03-29T23:56:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/21 "2010-03-30T01:50:57Z")
Don’t apologize, please. You did nothing wrong and indulging your son in this manner is silly. Demanding an apology is stupid anyway. That’s a lesson he needs to start learning today. If simply asking him to check with his teachers about some daggone assignments is enough to ruin his day, then he needs to toughen up a little. All of he would have had to say is “okay, Mom” and the conversation would have been over and forgotten. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/22 "2010-03-30T01:56:36Z")
If your son was anything like mine at that age, on the way to school in the morning is the exact correct time to remind him to take care of missing assignments otherwise he would find a way to forget the list. So what if he’s crabby in the morning, I get the impression that it’s an ongoing issue and this wasn’t your first talk. He was in a bad mood all day because you’re on to him and he doesn’t like it. He’s also worried about his grades so you could drop some suggestions about how to approach the teachers. Kids do get stressed out about talking to teachers so a few example sentences could help. I hope you’re not serious about thinking about apologizing. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/23 "2010-03-30T02:52:13Z")
Jesus. I’m trying to imagine what my mom would have said if I’d asked her to apologize, back in those days. She probably would have reduced me to a pile of ashes. Comparing this to a falling out with an SO is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/24 "2010-03-30T02:57:43Z")
I don’t get this, I really don’t. When I was a teenager, any “demands” for an apology would be met with a smack some time locked in my room so I never forget who is the adult in the house and who is the child. And as for having “rules” about when my mother would have been able to talk to me about certain things? That’s just funny. I’m not a parent so I can’t speak from experience, but I couldn’t imagine letting my child dictate what and when I could discuss anything with him or her. That just seems like giving up a little too much power to the child. They’re children, not roommates or SOs, or friends. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/25 "2010-03-30T03:30:46Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > Heh. “The rules” amount to “Don’t talk to me about school when I’m tired [at the end of the day] or distracted [in the morning when I’m getting ready for school.]” > > I violate “the rules” all the time with no problem, but if he happens to be in a pissy mood about who-knows-what, then he brings up “the rules.” That’s the “drama king” aspect. > > If he’s tired or distracted, I know that’s not a good time to talk to him, if I expect my message to sink in. So when he’s in a receptive mood, even if it’s during the times that, according to “the rules,” are off limits, we talk. > > I haven’t forgotten what it means to be a teenager, **Chickie** , but I was a teenage girl! That’s a whole different kettle of fish. I would strongly suggest you tell him that you will only talk to him about school during the time between 12:01AM and 11:59PM. Or to borrow and adapt a quote from Butch Cassidy “Rules, Hell there ain’t no rules in parenting.” And he doesn’t like that, then tell him to man the hell up. Seriously play the world’s smallest violin for him. If he wants to act like a drama queen make fun of him. Do not allow him to guilt you into anything. About the missing assignments. I would offer to bet him $5/ assignment that he is the one responsible, and that the teacher did not lose them. He might win $5 or $10 but you will carry the day. Seriously, the single most important thing you can teach him is to take responsibility for his own actions. Letting him blame the teachers for assignments he did not turn in not helping. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/26 "2010-03-30T03:31:38Z")
You people are answering the OP like it’s a serious post. It isn’t, right? …right? Holy crap am I glad I don’t have kids. Between dealing with them and hearing stuff like this from other parents I think I’d go out of my mind. Wow. Apologize to your kid for upsetting them over homework issues. BTW to the OP, he’s lying. His teachers aren’t losing his assignments. You can’t seriously even remotely believe that, right? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/27 "2010-03-30T03:54:50Z")
I mean, it depends on your goals. If you want to prove “I’m the parent and I win RAAAWWRR” then yeah. But I think you really, really, really don’t want end up doing what my mother did and turning school into a battle ground. I know my mom was just worried about my future, but that age you are so much concerned with your immediate biologically ordained task, which is learning how to become an independent adult. By constantly backing me into a corner, my mother made me feel powerless. In true teenage fashion, I did my best to assert my budding autonomy. Unfortunately, with grades, the way you exercise autonomy is to fail. I failed classes on purpose, just to prove I could. Just to show that you couldn’t MAKE me do anything. My mom would harass me about missing assignments. I would pointedly refuse to do those assignments. My mom would tell me to study for exams. I would sit there with the book open, staring blankly and stubbornly refusing to process any of it. If school becomes a battle, it is a battle the kid is going to win. At this age, the truth is that you actually can’t make them do anything. Was I stupid and my mother right? Of course. But the damage was done. Eventually I learned to own my educational goals and become a good student again. But even in university I refused to show my mother my grades, because it brought back too many painful memories of being pressured and nagged and controlled. Anyway, he’s 14. He is starting to be an adult. It may be time to start introducing adult methods of interaction, which includes the ability to say things like “Hey, I don’t appreciate being ambushed in the morning- can we bring up school related subjects in the afternoon?” If my mom had done just a little bit of that, we would have both had a much smoother time of things. > [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > Comparing this to a falling out with an SO is ridiculous. Why? ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/28 "2010-03-30T03:58:19Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > Jesus. I’m trying to imagine what my mom would have said if I’d asked her to apologize, back in those days. She probably would have reduced me to a pile of ashes. yeah, THIS. My own response to the OP (ie, that the son is being a disrespectful twit who needs a swift booting) is strongly coloured by having read the OP’s other threads on her relationship with her husband. ISTM that **freckafree** is the conciliator and appeaser in her family, generally, and there’s a strong danger of the son developing something of an attitude as a result of this. Don’t make his bad mood your problem. Make him figure out a way to get over it. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/29 "2010-03-30T04:05:37Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > My own response to the OP (ie, that the son is being a disrespectful twit who needs a swift booting) is strongly coloured by having read the OP’s other threads on her relationship with her husband. ISTM that **freckafree** is the conciliator and appeaser in her family, generally, and there’s a strong danger of the son developing something of an attitude as a result of this. Ah, yes—now that you mention it… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/30 "2010-03-30T04:07:33Z")
He is responsible for his own moods. If he needs to see a doctor about his moods, take him to one. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/31 "2010-03-30T04:12:52Z")
I found that talking to my kids about their missing assignments got them really angry and they would take it out on me rather than deal with it. So now I tell my kids that if they don’t talk to their teachers about their missing assignments, fine, I will call them up and do it myself. That usually works, and if it doesn’t, I do call or email the teacher, asking them to bring it up with my kid. After the second time my daughter got embarrassed by her teacher talking to her on my request, she now does it fairly well on her own. That and the fact that if she doesn’t have them turned in the school won’t allow her to play in her school sport that week. I would not apologize for ruining his day. I would say I feel bad that he has so many assignments to deal with. The _Love and Logic_ book and video series talks about being sympathetic to the kids’ difficulties while declining to get drawn in to the drama in such a way that they are supposed to be able to take on the responsibility for themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Springtime_for_Spacers)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/32 "2010-03-30T04:13:28Z")
> [@BoBettie](#): > > You people are answering the OP like it’s a serious post. It isn’t, right? …right? > > Holy crap am I glad I don’t have kids. Between dealing with them and hearing stuff like this from other parents I think I’d go out of my mind. Wow. Apologize to your kid for upsetting them over homework issues. > > BTW to the OP, he’s lying. His teachers aren’t losing his assignments. You can’t seriously even remotely believe that, right? You seriously believe there aren’t crap teachers who don’t keep their paperwork straight or don’t bother to do their marking? I’m 53 and the teachers I had who didn’t bother to mark homework still get to me. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/33 "2010-03-30T04:18:29Z")
> [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](#): > > You seriously believe there aren’t crap teachers who don’t keep their paperwork straight or don’t bother to do their marking? I’m 53 and the teachers I had who didn’t bother to mark homework still get to me. I am a teacher, and out of each batch of assignments, it is likely that one or two will get lost. I feel terrible about it, but it’s a product of having so many students to teach. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/34 "2010-03-30T04:35:27Z")
A relationship between two partners, two _adults_, should be one of equals. A relationship between a parent and their child is not (until the kid grows older, maybe). There is a middle ground between an overly authoritative parent and one that tries to be a buddy. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/35 "2010-03-30T04:55:31Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I am a teacher, and out of each batch of assignments, it is likely that one or two will get lost. I feel terrible about it, but it’s a product of having so many students to teach. Really? How does that happen? ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/36 "2010-03-30T04:59:06Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Really? How does that happen? She places the pile on the passenger seat of the car without a binder and rolls down the windows. Every single time. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/37 "2010-03-30T05:04:15Z")
I tell my students my cat ate it. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/38 "2010-03-30T05:22:03Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Smack him upside the head and tell him to grow the hell up. Also, he can think about his poor widdle “ruined day” as he’s cleaning the garage. “Apologise…” Good Lord. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Absolute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Absolute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Absolute)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/39 "2010-03-30T05:26:28Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I am a teacher, and out of each batch of assignments, it is likely that one or two will get lost. I feel terrible about it, but it’s a product of having so many students to teach. Just how many students do you have to teach? I was a TA last semester. I estimate I graded about 2000 tests, papers, quizzes, etc. Do you know how many I lost? None. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276/40 "2010-03-30T05:32:40Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > yeah, THIS. > > My own response to the OP (ie, that the son is being a disrespectful twit who needs a swift booting) is strongly coloured by having read the OP’s other threads on her relationship with her husband. ISTM that **freckafree** is the conciliator and appeaser in her family, generally, and there’s a strong danger of the son developing something of an attitude as a result of this. > > Don’t make his bad mood your problem. Make him figure out a way to get over it. I was wondering a little bit about that, too - it sounds from the little bit we’ve heard here that sonny boy thinks he gets to set the rules for his mom (which, like **HazelNutCoffee** , I find ludicrous when thinking back to my own adolescence - I think my mom’s response to a demand for an apology from me would have been hysterical laughter). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-son-wants-me-to-apologize-for-ruining-his-day/534276.md?page=3)