# My Step-Daughter **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026 "2005-04-25T14:14:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/181 "2005-04-28T20:38:35Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > 1. Maybe. > > Seriously, I would expect my step-daughter and future boyfriend/husband to have enough respect not to ever be doing any spit-swapping in front of me and her mother. When they’re on the altar, I _might_ make an one-time only exception. > > As for when she does start dating (not forbidden, just hasn’t wanted to start yet), I’m going to have to hope and pray that peer pressure does not win out over parental teachings and self-confidence. And I’m going to keep my cricket bat near the door. I hope I’ve sufficiently scared her by watching _Married with Children_ reruns and pointing out, whenever Al pounds on one of Kelly’s dates, that the same treatment is in store for her future boyfriends. 😃 Well, I’m glad you think it’s funny to treat your daughter like property. You do realize that this attitude is likely to condition her towards dominating men? ---
**Author:** ![tygerbryght](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@tygerbryght](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tygerbryght)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/182 "2005-04-28T23:16:09Z")
> [@badmana](#): > > Why is it so hard to believe a 13 year old can’t use a condom? Maybe you might have been too immature at that age but I remember being 13 and making the same choices I would have made as an adult. I learned how to use a condom at ~12 years old and I knew what they were for and why I should use them. A 12/13 year old can certainly make adult decisions. The secondary problem (primary problem was, of course, what the OP should have done) in this thread is that you’re a young person trying to convince older generations that how you see the world is the Way Things Ought To Be. I’m afraid you’ve taken on an impossible task. You see, it is only in the last decade (or maybe a bit less) that oral sex has come to have the rep that it does among teens. Older people - yes, even most who are only in their middle twenties - tend to see oral sex as just as much sex as any other position, and probably not something that people under 16 (at very least) should be doing. People over 40, almost without exception, see it as something that absolutely should not be done by anyone under the age of 18, even if they themselves had sex at 13 or 14. This change of attitude is generally the result of emotional maturity. You see, as people get older, they come to realize that there are kinds of experience that can have negative effects on the emotionally (not physically; we all recognize that kids today are physically mature at 13, or even sooner) immature, and maybe even recognize those effects in their own lives. And everyone old enough to remember President Clinton’s involvement with Monica Lewinsky knows that oral sex is certainly sex, from the standpoint of the overwhelming percentage of adults (that’s what someone - forgot who, sorry - above was talking about when they mentioned the issue of “what is is.” > [@](#): > > And why would you consider condoms to be a poor method of birth control? It’s simple and relatively effective and CHEAP. It also doesn’t require hormones or a doctor to use (unlike a UID). I’d rather have my kids use a condom than nothing if they’re STILL going to have sex either way. All of us (I think) agree that condoms are better than nothing. And they do have the advantage of being fairly effective protection against most forms of STDs, as well as pregnancy. And that’s probably the only point on which most of us are likely to agree. > [@](#): > > You’re making blanket statements about 13 year olds yet there are several dopers in this thread who have stated they safely had sex while young. But unless they’re not yet old enough to be parents of a teenager (and probably they’re not only not that old yet, but they’re probably also not parents yet, regardless of how old they are; becoming a parent changes how you see the world), they’re not yet in a position to know how the OP - or the rest of us parents - feels about this issue. Mostly, what we who are parents recognize is that no teenager is either emotionally ready or financially competent to deal with the potential consequences of being sexually active. And there are, more often than you realize, consequences of one kind or another, even if they are “merely” emotional, and not recognized by the individual as problems until they’re much older. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, or granted any credence to, the comments about girls’ self-esteem. However, I assure you that this very often is an issue. Further, a female who had such serious problems with her self-esteem at that age will almost inevitably have problems that need therapy at some point in her life. > [@](#): > > Of course a whole other topic should be why we’re talking about pregnancy out of a BJ. Last I checked no one got pregnant from a hummer and it’s unlikely (but possible of course) for another 13 year old boy to have had enough sex encounters with other strangers to have a STD (unless of course you think only 13 year old girls shouldn’t have sex but not the boys). That 13 year old boy is probably as much a virgin as the OP’s daughter. Even if he’s 13 (something we don’t know) and a (by your standards, not by the standards of adults) “virgin” doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t have acquired an STD from oral sex from another girl. There are several that are transmissible this way, not just HIV. Finally, a note for those adults who were wondering what/why/how did we get to this??? It’s a fairly predictable result of the popular music which denigrates women, especially when combined with the styles dressing little girls like streetwalkers. You let them listen to music which tells them that their only value to males is as a sex object, and let them dress like they’re looking to turn tricks, and this is what you get. My credentials for recognizing the divide in this discussion are that I am 61, and probably only a couple of years away from great-grandmotherhood, as my married grandson and his wife have been making “those” noises. Oh, yes, and I, too, think that the OP did a superb job of handling the problem. _(Note: if there is something that requires a further resp from me, someone will have to email me; I don’t plan to monitor this thread any further. I should also add that this sig is one I changed to a couple of days ago, when I re-subbed, not selected for this post)_ :dubious: 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/183 "2005-04-29T05:47:05Z")
> [@tygerbryght](#): > > Mostly, what we who are parents recognize is that no teenager is either emotionally ready or financially competent to deal with the potential consequences of being sexually active. Mostly? I suppose the remander are the few that recognize that it is often the _parents_ of a teenager that are not ready for their child to have sex. Where do you think these “When is kissing okay?” “Maybe when she’s 50.” style jokes come from? And I think some teenagers are emotionally ready and financially competent to deal with the potential consequences of being sexually active… they realize they wouldn’t be able to hack it and make an informed choice not to have sex. The solution to the problem is to equip teenagers to make an informed decision, not create artificial consequences to sway their choice. If the teenager’s primary concern is minimizing natural consequences (pregnancy, STDs, etc) safe sex practices make sense in a groundwork of protecting oneself. But if their primary concern is getting caught (I.E. minimizing artifical consequences) having condoms around to be found is a liability. I’d rather not put them in the position of weighing the relative risk of getting caught against catching HIV. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/184 "2005-04-29T08:06:19Z")
I don’t think anyone believes that sex is inherently bad. But there are lots of things that are inherently “not bad” that children shouldn’t be doing. Children shouldn’t be living by themselves, they shouldn’t drive til they reach a certain age, they shouldn’t be able to recklessly drug their bodies until they reach a certain age. Parenting isn’t just about being a teacher. It’s also about stepping in to _make_ the right decision for the little one if they just refuse to do it themselves. If I have a son that I’ve taught extensively about the risks of heroin, and he decides to use it habitually, I’m going to use my parental authority to stop him. There are certain decisions that a good parent cannot give their child the right to make themselves, because you can’t reasonably assume the child is old enough to make that decision yet. There’s also the whole, “Junior High” factor. Sometimes I read posts here and I think you guys all grew up in different worlds that I did. When I went to junior high a girl that gave BJs at age 13 was called a slut and a whore behind her back. She got attention from the dirtbag guys that just want BJs and more. After getting used by a few guys like that, the girl is completely perceived as a whore and that’s the end of it for her, she’s a whore until she graduates high school and she’ll only attract the dregs of the school population when it comes to guys. Not to mention she’ll be socially outcast from many school groups. That’s not necessarily fair or right but that’s just how it was where I went to school. I mean, the girls that started openly having sex in HS, that was one thing (although in HS well over 50% of the guys I knew were virgins, and trust me, a guy isn’t going to say he’s a virgin to another guy unless he really is) but the girls that slept around in junior high were socially ostracized. And since everyone here lives in the real world, the behavior of junior high society is relevant to this parenting decision. In junior high you sexual partners are like the clothing you wear in “adult” society, or the car you drive, or the house you own. You have a dirtbag partner, you’re considered a dirtbag. Just like if you live in a run down decrepit house you’re considered “lower class.” Life isn’t built on being fair, and I think we all have to recognize how much perception really means in the day to day life of people, and it means more to teenagers than most. Too many people in recent years have become far too reckless with their opinions on sex and sexuality. We all have sex or at least we all have sex drives. Just like almost all of us (if we’re American) have cars and drive them. Just like the fact that we all drive doesn’t mean we should all drive recklessly, the fact that we are all sexually able animals doesn’t mean we need to engage in sex recklessly. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/185 "2005-04-29T13:01:01Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Well, I’m glad you think it’s funny to treat your daughter like property. You do realize that this attitude is likely to condition her towards dominating men? Huh? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/186 "2005-04-30T00:12:46Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > Huh? 😕 Look. I understand that you don’t want your daughter to get hurt. Or get pregnant. Or get an STD. But this “8 Simple Rules” crap is what I call treating a daughter like property. Acting intimidating towards every potential suitor just drives away the nice guys, and presents a challenge to the predators. Your daughter’s not always going to have you around to be her hero. Telling her that you’ll beat a guy up if he gets out of line, even if you’re saying it in jest, is essentially saying that she’s property, to be defended the same way you’d defend your home from invasion. And as for your policy on kissing, if you’re joking, well, ha ha. If you’re serious, get a grip. No teenager is going to initiate serious kissing when parents are in the same room. They might be foolhardy enough to think Dad will never come in from the yard, as in the OP, but they’re not going to start “swapping spit” when you’re standing right there. And if you have a problem with a chaste good-night peck on the cheek, that is utterly ridiculous. Again I say, I don’t know to what extent you’re joking. And I’m not saying you’re wrong for wanting your daughter to be prudent. But you have to be careful not to be a complete control freak. That’ll just condition your daughter to choose control freaks, and to look to a guy to rescue her from her tower. And if you make it so that every guy who shows up instantly knows that you hate him, you’ll never have a son-in-law who doesn’t hate you. ---
**Author:** ![stretch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@stretch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stretch)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/187 "2005-04-30T01:53:34Z")
> [@plnnr](#): > > I appreciate the vote of confidence; however, I believe that this is something that she needs to handle for herself. Actions have consequences, and part of being an adult (or learning to be an adult, in this case) is taking responsibility for your actions and facing the consequences. I’m more than willing to tell my wife what happened, but I’m giving my step-daughter the opportunity to grow a little here. If she doesn’t want to, or fails to, it’ll tell me even more about her level of maturity and what I can expect from her in other realms. > [@Excalibre](#): > > See, I don’t follow this logic. Telling mom is not a _consequence_ of her actions because it’s not a natural result of them. I understand that you don’t mean it as a punishment, but consequences are what follow from an action. A consequence of giving a blow job might be emotional unpleasantness, or an STD, but there’s nothing about having sex that leads to discussions with your parents as a result. Telling mom is a consequence of the action of _getting caught_ giving the blow job. It is the natural result of the action of performing the blow job in the house while **plnnr** was there. I’m sure that the step-daugher has had ample opportunity to discover that **plnnr** doesn’t keep things from his wife, so she knew this was a possible consequence. Now she gets to accept responsbility for her action–getting caught because she made more than one poor choice that day. I can relate to the step-daughter. The consequence of the action of having my boyfriend sleeping over without permission when I was 14 was getting a lecture when we got caught, being forbidden to see my BF until my dad came to his senses, and being on restriction. None of those were natural consequences of having sex with my BF; they were consequences of getting caught and my dad finding out that we had been having sex. You decide to do something, you have to deal with the consequences, even if you are young. ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/188 "2005-04-30T02:10:50Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Boy’s mother could not have been more against that. “he’s too young, I am furious, they cannot “go out” anymore. This is too much etc.” Boy not allowed to speak to my daughter etc at school. > … > > She and this boy were very close emotionally and well matched personality wise. Now he is a jerk to her and all girls (mother has told him in no uncertain terms that he is not to even look at girls etc.) and here we are. Great…sounds like his mother really did her job as a parent. :rolleyes: :smack: ---
**Author:** ![liirogue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dbc845/32.png) [@liirogue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liirogue)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/189 "2005-04-30T02:13:18Z")
So **plnnr** , did you tell the boy’s parents? (sorry if you already answered this - this thread is becoming a lot to slog through) ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/190 "2005-05-02T14:42:27Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Look. I understand that you don’t want your daughter to get hurt. Or get pregnant. Or get an STD. > > But this “8 Simple Rules” crap is what I call treating a daughter like property. Acting intimidating towards every potential suitor just drives away the nice guys, and presents a challenge to the predators. Your daughter’s not always going to have you around to be her hero. Telling her that you’ll beat a guy up if he gets out of line, even if you’re saying it in jest, is essentially saying that she’s property, to be defended the same way you’d defend your home from invasion. > > And as for your policy on kissing, if you’re joking, well, ha ha. If you’re serious, get a grip. No teenager is going to initiate serious kissing when parents are in the same room. They might be foolhardy enough to think Dad will never come in from the yard, as in the OP, but they’re not going to start “swapping spit” when you’re standing right there. And if you have a problem with a chaste good-night peck on the cheek, that is utterly ridiculous. > > Again I say, I don’t know to what extent you’re joking. And I’m not saying you’re wrong for wanting your daughter to be prudent. But you have to be careful not to be a complete control freak. That’ll just condition your daughter to choose control freaks, and to look to a guy to rescue her from her tower. And if you make it so that every guy who shows up instantly knows that you hate him, you’ll never have a son-in-law who doesn’t hate you. My daughter is far more able to separate fact from fiction, and identify hyperbole, than you (she needs to be, I use it often). She knows that when I start quoting Al _“five touchdowns in one game”_ Bundy, and mentioning how much of a hero he is to me and how I’m going to quit my job to sell cheap women’s shoes at the mall, it is pure joking. Ferchrissakes, to not read any post of taking parenting tricks from _Married with Children_ as anything but over-the-top of the Metrodome speaks more to the knee-jerk reactions endemic to this board than any harm I might be doing to my daughter. P.S. I’ve never seen nor read _8 Simple Rules_, but as it’s on Disney’s ABC, it probably tries to “teach a lesson”. I prefer lessons learned from the Bundy’s, especially when delivered from the nudie bar. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/191 "2005-05-02T14:51:01Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > My daughter is far more able to separate fact from fiction, and identify hyperbole, than you (she needs to be, I use it often). She knows that when I start quoting Al _“five touchdowns in one game”_ Bundy, and mentioning how much of a hero he is to me and how I’m going to quit my job to sell cheap women’s shoes at the mall, it is pure joking. Ferchrissakes, to not read any post of taking parenting tricks from _Married with Children_ as anything but over-the-top of the Metrodome speaks more to the knee-jerk reactions endemic to this board than any harm I might be doing to my daughter. Well, fine then. I don’t know your family; all I have to go on is your posts. Am I to assume, then, that you’re also not serious about not wanting your daughter to ever kiss a boy before she’s married? > [@](#): > > P.S. I’ve never seen nor read _8 Simple Rules_, but as it’s on Disney’s ABC, it probably tries to “teach a lesson”. I prefer lessons learned from the Bundy’s, especially when delivered from the nudie bar. Actually, I was referring to the original essay, the one that basically says, “No one’s good enough for my daughter, especially you.” I never watched the TV show either. Just forget the fictional examples for a second. I am not by any means denying that teenagers should be safe and sensible. But expecting them to be completely chaste is something I can only **hope** is a joke. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/192 "2005-05-02T14:52:57Z")
> [@liirogue](#): > > So **plnnr** , did you tell the boy’s parents? (sorry if you already answered this - this thread is becoming a lot to slog through) My wife spoke to the boy’s parents. As MacArthr so eloquently said at the end of the ceremony ending WWII, “These proceedings are closed.” Thanks for all the input. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/193 "2005-05-02T18:01:08Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Well, fine then. I don’t know your family; all I have to go on is your posts. Am I to assume, then, that you’re also not serious about not wanting your daughter to ever kiss a boy before she’s married? Want…no. But I don’t want her ever to grow up, because then I have to grow up and old. Expect…of course. > [@](#): > > Actually, I was referring to the original essay, the one that basically says, “No one’s good enough for my daughter, especially you.” I never watched the TV show either. That’s true, too. But outside of the realm of expectations. Mom thinks no girl is ever good enough for her boy; Dad thinks no boy is ever good enough for his girl. Unless he plays professional sports and can comp me season tickets. > [@](#): > > Just forget the fictional examples for a second. I am not by any means denying that teenagers should be safe and sensible. But expecting them to be completely chaste is something I can only **hope** is a joke. Fantasy might be more appropriate (it starts where she stays 8 years old and boys are yucky and I’m 10-15 pounds lighter…I like to throw rich in there too, as long as I’m fantasizing). A fantasy that I know will be unfulfilled and there’s nothing I can do to stop it except try to arm her with self-confidence and some sense (which, excepting the ‘exceptional’ posters on the SDMB, is something quite rare among pre-teens and teens). I don’t think it has been spoiled yet, but she is only 12. ---
**Author:** ![Electrical\_Storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac8455/32.png) [@Electrical\_Storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electrical_Storm)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/194 "2005-05-02T21:07:15Z")
I think you handled this tremendously well. No screaming, no meltdowns and no hysterics. Cool, calm thinking. Kudos! > [@plnnr](#): > > Well, that was interesting. First, a little back story… > > My wife is a psychotherapist. Honest, open, and frank communication are her stock-in-trade. Not surprisingly, she and my step-daughter have already had numerous discussions about sexual matters. In fact, my step-daughter confided in my wife just last week that one of my sd’s peer group had lost her virginity (the girl is also 13). My wife asked my sd what she thought about that, and my sd’s response was “That’s gross.” I’ll also point out that my wife has a tendency to have a boundary issue with my sd (at least from my perspective) in that she (my wife) sometimes tries to much to be my sd’ “friend” as opposed to her parent. That makes communication pretty open between them, but creates a conflict in roles when all of a sudden my wife has to take "friend"hat off and put “parent” hat on. That may give you a picture of the dynamics. > > So, my sd steps up to the plate and tells my wife (I wasn’t home for the event, I had a meeting). Wife tells me that she cool-headed, but still upset. She and sd hashed it out and, as I suspected, sd tells my wife that boys expect it if the girl is going to be seen as “cool.” This REALLY frosted my wife, who deals with these issues everyday at work. “X, you do not have to do this to be cool. That’s just a line boys use to get what they want, and you’ve got to have enough self-esteem to stand up and say, 'Hey, I’m not doing this just because you want me to or so I can be seen as cool. You know you’ve got more to offer than that.” > > My wife asked how long I was going to go before I said something to her about it if my sd hadn’t and I said that I was going to tell her that night. I told her that I can’t be put in the position of keeping confidences from my wife, particularly by her daughter. That’s just a no-win situation all the way around. Wife said she appreciated that and we went to bed. > > Life goes on, but like H.I. said in **Raising Arizona** , “It ain’t Ozzy and Harriet.” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2005, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/195 "2005-05-03T00:38:13Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > Fantasy might be more appropriate (it starts where she stays 8 years old and boys are yucky and I’m 10-15 pounds lighter…I like to throw rich in there too, as long as I’m fantasizing). A fantasy that I know will be unfulfilled and there’s nothing I can do to stop it except try to arm her with self-confidence and some sense (which, excepting the ‘exceptional’ posters on the SDMB, is something quite rare among pre-teens and teens). I don’t think it has been spoiled yet, but she is only 12. Well, all right then! ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/196 "2005-05-03T01:16:54Z")
On a partial aside: [Judge blocks abortion for Florida 13-year-old: reports](http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050430/ts_alt_afp/usabortion_050430170253) “Putting aside the legal and the constitutional principles here, the fact that the state is preparing to force a 13-year-old to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term is just simply cruel,” Simon added. Just a thought in the “Is a 13 year old able to make these type of decisions for themselves” type of debates. Also, I agree with the step-dad considering the relationship he has with the step-daughter and being totally unprepared to have to address such a situation. I gives a “cooling off” period, maintains respect within the always-difficult step parent role, and gives the girl a chance to do the difficult but correct choice without violating the trust of the spouse. There is no perfect solution. Well done, IMO ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/197 "2005-05-05T04:32:10Z")
I only read most of the first page of this thread, so I don’t know all the responses. But I disagree with everyone on the first page. Yes, it’s good you didn’t freak out. And yes, it’s good you’re not sweeping this under the carpet. But for you, aparently, that’s the end of it. Now your attitude is “it’s her mom’s job.” You also say this flat-out in the OP, that you feel no need to offer parenting that she deserves from you. You are her step-father after all. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2005, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/198 "2005-05-05T08:19:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **badman** a > My GF and I have sex regularly for over 3 years and we don’t have children and neither of us is sterile. YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT HAVING A KID! > > > [@RaftPeople](#): > > > > Because you included the “not sterile” information, it almost sounds like you are saying you don’t use protection and still haven’t gotten pregnant??? > > > > If that is what you are saying, then here is the counter to that: > > I had unprotected sex exactly 3 times with my ex-wife, and we have exactly 3 kids. And then there’s people like me, who get pregnant despite, supposedly, having been sterilized. Sometimes, you can’t have sex without having a kid\*. Even when it should be impossible. Maybe BadMana and his GF have been amazingly lucky. I’ve known LOTS of people who conceived their children while correctly using LOTS of contraceptive devices, even multiple ones…including sterilization. \*As it happens, I miscarried that pregnancy, but I wouldn’t want to bet a 13 year old child’s future on that chance. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2005, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/199 "2005-05-05T09:02:56Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > I’m trying. The gist of my messages are "if I don’t want someone doing it to my stepdaughter, I don’t want my son doing it to someone else’s daughter. > > P.S. At 13, I consider kissing to be ravaging, and there will be breaking of bones if it happens. 🆒 My son, owing to some issues that he had (and still has to a much lesser degree), was never in a position to be on the opposite side of that equation. The thing is, I remember being 16, 17, 18 - never mind 13, the closest I got to sex at 13 was holding hands, and I got teased unmercifully about it by my parents and others, who should have had a little more respect, and humiliated me less, but I digress. At 13, a kiss can be damn near orgasmic. A little petting, when I was 16 or 17, could drive me absolutely mad. It doesn’t do that anymore. I suppose, positing a hypothetical new love interest in my life, I could imagine the insta-arousal might return. For a while. Until familiarity occurred. I honestly believe to this day that the only things that kept me virgin until I was 25 were these: a desperate fear of my parents finding out (though that faded gradually after about 18 - old habits die hard), a fear of pregnancy, and more to the point, a physical limitation I believed I had at the time. Without that _fear_, I’d have been manipulated or even coerced into sex in my early teens. My fear of my parents was more a factor in my life than any manipulation any young man could pull. And they did, after all. Boys NEVER were the ones to say ‘no’. They were ALWAYS pushing, pushing, pushing. I was ALWAYS the one who had to say ‘no’, even if I didn’t want to, and my hormones were screaming in my ears until I couldn’t hear anything else. Miserable, I tell you. That’s a big burden to put on a kid. For example: At 17, I once got up the nerve to try giving a BJ to my boyfriend, who was 27. (My father did NOT approve of that relationship). Anyway, I’d seen pictures in my brothers’ girlie magazines, and I’d read stories in the front of Penthouse, and I wanted to try this BJ thing. My idea. He hardly said no. So there I was in his bedroom at 1:30 in the morning, and I was doing this (probably badly) and the phone rang. And rang. And rang. And this poor guy got up - he could barely walk - and stumbled to the phone. Then he whispered “It’s for you,” and handed it to me. My mother said “It’s 1:30 in the morning. Where are you.” I said “I’m…coming right home.” And I did. I went home. Immediately. I’m so glad it wasn’t my father (though he found out later). My mother didn’t yell at me when I got home, she just pointed out how bad an idea it was for me to be in this 27 year old man’s bedroom at 1:30 in the morning, and how it wasn’t safe, and I might have wound up doing things he and I would both have regretted. (Actually, just getting caught at all was more than the guy could handle, and he went all super-guilty on me and broke off the relationship anyway. But he had Other Issues.) Anyway, the point is, even at 17, 18, 19 years old, I was making really foolish choices, most of which involved sex. I put myself in _terribly_ dangerous situations. I have no idea why I wasn’t raped, several times (falling-down drunk at a frat party? Geez louise.). I look back and sort of thunk myself in the forehead and say “Geez, how could you have done that, gone there, been with _him_, been so trusting…?” But I did, and I did, and I was, because I was too naive to know the risks I was taking. And I was lucky. Maybe a 13 year old girl thinks she knows everything. Maybe I did, too. But I know now it wasn’t true. Fortunately, I was terrified of my parents. And that early fear hasn’t stopped me from having a good marriage (nearly 13 years now) or a good, satisfying sex life. It just created very strict limits for me to live within until I was older and hopefully had more sense. 13 is way, way too young. Even for ‘French’ kissing. Man, kids have got hormones, sure, but why pour gasoline on a fire they don’t know how to control yet? ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2005, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/200 "2005-05-05T12:14:41Z")
> [@Bill H.](#): > > I only read most of the first page of this thread, so I don’t know all the responses. But I disagree with everyone on the first page. Yes, it’s good you didn’t freak out. And yes, it’s good you’re not sweeping this under the carpet. But for you, aparently, that’s the end of it. Now your attitude is “it’s her mom’s job.” You also say this flat-out in the OP, that you feel no need to offer parenting that she deserves from you. > > You are her step-father after all. Your’re right, I am her step-father. She has both a mother and a father and she doesn’t need another parent telling her what to do. Two parents are enough for any one person. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=11)