# My Step-Daughter **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026 "2005-04-25T14:14:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/101 "2005-04-26T04:08:22Z")
> [@](#): > > **liirouge** said: > IMHO, she’s a little too young. Because she’s so young, she probably doesn’t really know about safe sex, or what she could catch if she doesn’t practice safe sex. Based on a book I got when I was 10, and the fifth grade lecture, I had a pretty damn good idea (including pictures) of what could be caught by not practicing safe sex at a young age. > [@](#): > > Even if she does know, she’s still too young. Then I’m just glad that my parents never found out. > [@](#): > > **Dorkness** said: > I think the “You tell her or I will” is in the format of a punishment, and is almost certainly perceived as such by the daughter. I think you’re right about this. It’s the kind of thing that causes intense mental distress, whether **plnnr** intended it to or not. > [@](#): > > **D\_Odds** said: > At 13, I would have done/said anything to get a hummer (not much has changed, but that’s besides the point). I would have coerced, lied, pleaded, begged and used everything short of physical force. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be), at 13, I couldn’t get a girl to give me a second glance other than to renew a scowl. I was around none of my female peers who freely experimented. And just to give you (one) flip side of that, at 13, I would’ve coerced, lied, pleaded, begged and done everything I could to get a guy to do a little digital stimulation because I was a horny thing. It’s not like it’s just the boys whose hormones are raging and whose bodies are saying ‘That feels damned good.’ > [@](#): > > **jayjay** said: > See, I’m a gay man. I’ll go out of my way to find a willing recipient for a blow job, because I LOVE to give them. Hey, I’m female, and I love to give them too. It was, from the very first one I ever gave, a wicked turn on. > [@](#): > > **Good Egg** said: > jay-Because no guy has ever said, Hey, can I pleasure you? Or lets do stuff together? Take a lesson from the guys then. They _ask_ for blowjobs. No harm in a girl asking for what she wants. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/102 "2005-04-26T04:15:59Z")
So which option did she choose? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/103 "2005-04-26T04:22:52Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > jay-Because no guy has ever said, Hey, can I pleasure you? Or lets do stuff together? Not trying to be snarky, but if, truly, NO guy has ever said that to you, you’ve picked some losers. Throughout my single years, “Lets do some stuff together” was my main come-on line to move a relationship to the next (physical) level. And yes, I did mean _together_, and I always made the necessary effort to make it work out very well for _both_ parties. I don’t think I’m unusual in this. Most guys are happier and get a warm, fuzzy feeling if their girl is feelin’ it too. (Pun, a little, maybe.) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/104 "2005-04-26T04:49:20Z")
> [@badmana](#): > > My GF and I have sex regularly for over 3 years and we don’t have children and neither of us is sterile. YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT HAVING A KID! Because you included the “not sterile” information, it almost sounds like you are saying you don’t use protection and still haven’t gotten pregnant??? If that is what you are saying, then here is the counter to that: I had unprotected sex exactly 3 times with my ex-wife, and we have exactly 3 kids. ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/105 "2005-04-26T07:49:03Z")
> [@plnnr](#): > > I appreciate the vote of confidence; however, I believe that this is something that she needs to handle for herself. Actions have consequences, and part of being an adult (or learning to be an adult, in this case) is taking responsibility for your actions and facing the consequences. I’m more than willing to tell my wife what happened, but I’m giving my step-daughter the opportunity to grow a little here. If she doesn’t want to, or fails to, it’ll tell me even more about her level of maturity and what I can expect from her in other realms. I think you acted in a much cooler manner than most people would have expected in such a situation, but your reaction is still essentially punitive. I’m not sure what the lesson is supposed to be, here. Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex? Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners. You’d be fine telling her that you’re not comfortable with her sexual activity and that you still think of her as a child. She will probably disagree with the second part and think the first part is your hang-up, your problem, you deal with it yourself. Guess what, she’s right. If she cuts you any slack, it will be by trying to make sure you don’t find out about it in the future… so as to spare your feelings on the matter. A very mature response. And one that is invariably characterized as rebellion. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/106 "2005-04-26T10:08:07Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > Hey you wanted OPINIONS, and you got mine, which I had assumed was held by rational thinking people. Guess theres a dearth of them here. You actually think people are all going to agree that females only give blowjobs out of neediness and fear? Who’s being irrational? ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/107 "2005-04-26T10:35:12Z")
[/QUOTE] Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex? Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners. [/QUOTE] That isn’t the point. OP and his wife are adults. The subject is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. OP is a STEP-dad. If he had chosen to handle this on his own I could see potentially disasterous consequences down the line. IMO, 13 is too young to be engaging in sex, let alone being so cocky (no pun intended) about it that they would engage in it with OP at home. I think it was handled well. If I had been caught in that sort of behavior I would have received an ass-whoopin’, then a lecture, then grounding. (I mean a spanking, not a beating.) ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/108 "2005-04-26T12:05:21Z")
I think this thread might have the highest views/replies ratio in SDMB history. **plnnr** , I’ll be seeking your advice on thread titles in the future. 😉 So: What finally happened when Mom got home? ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/109 "2005-04-26T12:05:52Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > Who do you tell when you and your wife engage in oral sex? Telling her mom is not “growing up” or “acting like an adult”. Mature adults tend to keep their sex lives between themselves and their partners. [/QUOTE] That isn’t the point. OP and his wife are adults. The subject is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. OP is a STEP-dad. If he had chosen to handle this on his own I could see potentially disasterous consequences down the line. [/QUOTE] **Snakescatlady** , Right On. Sorry to break the news to some of y’all dudes, but _thirteen year-old minors DO NOT HAVE THE EXACT SAME RIGHTS AS ADULTS._ And on the other subject that has been raised: yes, 13-y/o girls are perfectly capable of wanting to give blowjobs of their own initiative; whether they do or can give it enough thought to make it a GOOD IDEA is what’s arguable. I mean, people decide of their own initiative it’s fun to drive 100 in a 25 zone. Similarly, other 13-y/o girls probably DO feel this is some sort of gross imposition on which they have to “take one for the team”, and that one is NEVER a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/110 "2005-04-26T12:56:30Z")
> [@DoctorJ](#): > > People talk about this like it’s some sort of new revalation; right-wingy types in particular like to blame Clinton. My teenage years came and went long before Clinton’s famous knob jobs, and I always thought that “sex” referred specifically to intercourse while “oral sex” was something else entirely. (Yes, I know it’s called oral _sex_; I put the term in the same category as “Near Beer” or “hamburger steak”.) > > If you want to argue that teenagers these days are far more casual about oral sex than they used to be, that might be true. That’s exactly what I’m saying. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/111 "2005-04-26T12:57:55Z")
Well, that was interesting. First, a little back story… My wife is a psychotherapist. Honest, open, and frank communication are her stock-in-trade. Not surprisingly, she and my step-daughter have already had numerous discussions about sexual matters. In fact, my step-daughter confided in my wife just last week that one of my sd’s peer group had lost her virginity (the girl is also 13). My wife asked my sd what she thought about that, and my sd’s response was “That’s gross.” I’ll also point out that my wife has a tendency to have a boundary issue with my sd (at least from my perspective) in that she (my wife) sometimes tries to much to be my sd’ “friend” as opposed to her parent. That makes communication pretty open between them, but creates a conflict in roles when all of a sudden my wife has to take "friend"hat off and put “parent” hat on. That may give you a picture of the dynamics. So, my sd steps up to the plate and tells my wife (I wasn’t home for the event, I had a meeting). Wife tells me that she cool-headed, but still upset. She and sd hashed it out and, as I suspected, sd tells my wife that boys expect it if the girl is going to be seen as “cool.” This REALLY frosted my wife, who deals with these issues everyday at work. “X, you do not have to do this to be cool. That’s just a line boys use to get what they want, and you’ve got to have enough self-esteem to stand up and say, 'Hey, I’m not doing this just because you want me to or so I can be seen as cool. You know you’ve got more to offer than that.” My wife asked how long I was going to go before I said something to her about it if my sd hadn’t and I said that I was going to tell her that night. I told her that I can’t be put in the position of keeping confidences from my wife, particularly by her daughter. That’s just a no-win situation all the way around. Wife said she appreciated that and we went to bed. Life goes on, but like H.I. said in **Raising Arizona** , “It ain’t Ozzy and Harriet.” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/112 "2005-04-26T13:27:19Z")
Sounds like y’all handled it pretty fantastically all round; glad the conversation went well! Daniel ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/113 "2005-04-26T13:51:50Z")
Good outcome. The world did not end, the girl did not die of embarassment, Mother took the opportunity to point out nobody should ever feel it’s “ya-gotta-do-it-or-else”. Ad the girl at least now she knows that if she DOES run into real trouble she CAN bring it up and it may be uncomfortable but it won’t be the Apocalypse. And BTW, notice, guys, that Mother fully _expected_ **plnnr** to bring it up to her ASAP whether or not the girl did, shutting up would have meant Hell to pay. Now, how the teenager reacts to “you’ve got more to offer than that”, whether it’s by deciding she can quit the “or-else-you’ll-be-uncool” game completely, or conversely that she can call-and-raise and start laying down her own demands and terms from the boys, or just become more selective and discriminating about what she does with whom and when and where (the choice of most people in my experience), that’s an entire another parenting issue they’ll have to deal with and I don’t envy them at all. ---
**Author:** ![badmana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@badmana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badmana)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/114 "2005-04-26T14:19:05Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > Because you included the “not sterile” information, it almost sounds like you are saying you don’t use protection and still haven’t gotten pregnant??? > > If that is what you are saying, then here is the counter to that: > I had unprotected sex exactly 3 times with my ex-wife, and we have exactly 3 kids. Well, maybe my little guys aren’t kevlar coated 😃 No, we use protection but every scare monger always loves to bring out the “condoms aren’t perfect” line. No, they aren’t perfect because the user usually is a little too distracted to use one correctly. My school taught me exactly how to use a condom, including giving us a few to “try out” (not implying to use them for sex of course!). A 13 CAN understand all about making babies and take the EXACT same precautions as adults. Heck, I’d called a BJ a good precaution to pregnancy 😃 And yeah, as others have mentioned, BJs are not considered straight “sex” in my area. It’s considered 3rd base. I’m glad the **plnnr** wife is pretty cool. It’s just not the standard though which is why I get defensive about this sort of thing. No offense meant **plnnr**! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/115 "2005-04-26T14:25:50Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > You should have run into the room, screaming, wielding a machete and a jar of hot sauce. But wearing a Wooden Polynesian Tiki Mask. Wooden Polynesian Tiki Masks are the expected mode of dress for such occasions. Cumberbund & spats are optional, as indeed are all other forms of clothing. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/116 "2005-04-26T15:09:00Z")
> [@badmana](#): > > I’m glad the **plnnr** wife is pretty cool. It’s just not the standard though which is why I get defensive about this sort of thing. Yes, and it’s not the standard for a 13 year old to be responsible enough to use condoms (which, relatively speaking, are fairly crappy birth control) correctly and consistently, which is why people get bent out of shape about kids that age having sex. And since you decided that was a stupid, pointless argument on the one side of the fence, you can’t really expect people to take you seriously when you use it on the other side of the fence. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/117 "2005-04-26T15:27:40Z")
> [@badmana](#): > > I think you’re misinterpreting things here. I’m talking about sex, not babies. Having sex can mean everything from hand jobs to ‘regular’ sex. Why does every fear monger always bring up babies when talking about sex? > > Sex does not mean children. My GF and I have sex regularly for over 3 years and we don’t have children and neither of us is sterile. YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT HAVING A KID! > > A 13 year old, depending on maturity , could certainly have sex safely. Of course, getting pregnant increases with less available information and parenting. I was given the standard sex ed in highschool and it kept me pretty safe. I don’t know how the US school system is set up in teaching this sort of thing. I fear abstanice training is going to create a boom of teen mothers. > > In the OPs case, if his step daughter, in his opinion, isn’t mature enough to enforce safe sex practices, then she shouldn’t be having sex. It has nothing to do with age or pregnancy. I was in High School (in the USA) in the late 70’s and we had sex-ed classes complete with condom on banana demo. No abstinence lectures. Can’t vouch for today. That said, we don’t know the particulars of the OP’s daughter BJ episode. Was she practicing safe sex? This is significant information. And no matter what, the mother should be made aware that her daughter has become sexually active. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/118 "2005-04-26T16:35:37Z")
What is giving these young girls the idea that they _have_ to do it? And what’s up with these boys _expecting_ it? Is this the typical 13 year old boy attitude, or does plnnr’s stepdaughter just go to school with a bunch of rotten ones? If my son did that I’d have his head! ---
**Author:** ![Unregistered\_Bull](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3da27b/32.png) [@Unregistered\_Bull](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unregistered_Bull)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/119 "2005-04-26T16:36:29Z")
You should tell the boy’s parents too. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/120 "2005-04-26T16:38:15Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > If my son did that I’d have his head! In the context of the subject of this thread, that was an incredibly amusing yet unfortunate choice of words… 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=7)