# My Step-Daughter **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026 "2005-04-25T14:14:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![margin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@margin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/margin)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/141 "2005-04-26T23:52:50Z")
You did good, plnner. If the boys are demanding blowjobs and not giving anything in return, yeah, it’s…disturbing. Thirteen is so young for that kind of thing. Where are they getting that kind of mindset? ---
**Author:** ![UnwrittenNocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/6de8d8/32.png) [@UnwrittenNocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UnwrittenNocturne)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/142 "2005-04-27T01:17:09Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > What is giving these young girls the idea that they _have_ to do it? > > And what’s up with these boys _expecting_ it? Is this the typical 13 year old boy attitude, or does plnnr’s stepdaughter just go to school with a bunch of rotten ones? > > If my son did that I’d have his head! I don’t know where you went to junior high school, but 11 years ago when I was 11, it was fairly common for girls to start losing their virginity in my tiny rural town. Most of the girls in my classes at school had lost it by 16. It was also fairly common to get pressured into giving head, or opening your legs, or (on rare occasions) having anal sex. I was spared most of that by not dating many people in jr. high and high school. I’m not saying that every girl who had sex did it because she was pressured (I definitely knew a few who weren’t and genuinely wanted to have sex), but a disproportionate number were. However, I grew up in a sexist, backwards town, so that might have had something to do with it. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/143 "2005-04-27T01:18:33Z")
I swannee ☹ to God, my husband is going to start logging out when he’s done here or I am going to have a conniption fit. I’m sorry everyone, I know I keep doing this. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/144 "2005-04-27T01:33:15Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > There was quite a lot of oral sex going on at my middle school. Yep. At the school. That right there proves that these kids giving BJs at that age were NOT mature enough. People who _are_ ready for stuff like that know there is a time and a place for it, and have enough self-control to restrain themselves until that time and place. Sucking dick in a corner of the school library is not an example of a mature sexual decision. > [@UnwrittenNocturne](#): > > I don’t know where you went to junior high school, Rural western Kentucky. Conservative area. > [@UnwrittenNocturne](#): > > but 11 years ago when I was 11, it was fairly common for girls to start losing their virginity in my tiny rural town. Depending on what state you’re in, that’s a _felony_. How tragic ☹ I hadn’t even started my periods at that age! Where were the parents of these girls? > [@UnwrittenNocturne](#): > > Most of the girls in my classes at school had lost it by 16. Same as where I grew up. I was a “late bloomer” – first kiss at 17, didn’t have sex till 19, but that’s because I chose to. I’m aware many teenagers have sex by 16, but I don’t see why we should just accept it. How sad would it be to be sexually jaded by the time you graduate from high school? > [@UnwrittenNocturne](#): > > It was also fairly common to get pressured into giving head, or opening your legs, or (on rare occasions) having anal sex. I was spared most of that by not dating many people in jr. high and high school. That’s horrible and … like I said earlier, a felony in some situations (depending on where you are and just how much pressure is exerted). Who the hell was raising these boys, and why the hell didn’t the girls kick 'em in the balls? I am _so_ sticking my daughter in tae kwon do when she’s old enough. If this is what typical teenagers are like these days, I am NOT sending her into a school without the ability to defend herself. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/145 "2005-04-27T01:35:39Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > Having the XX chromosomes myself, I, nor any other female I ever knew were never curious about it. But they (and I) did it or the boys would’ve never come near us again. And this went on well into adulthood. Not a lesson this girlshould be learning. Hey you wanted OPINIONS, and you got mine, which I had assumed was held by rational thinking people. Guess theres a dearth of them here. I read as far as this before responding. Plnnr, I think you did the right thing. As for Good Egg, I didn’t do it until after I had lost my virginity, a few months before I turned 19. Sure, some girls did it, but a lot didn’t. Most of my friends didn’t, and we weren’t exactly a bunch of prudes. Maybe I have just had the good fortune of never feeling I had to do anything to keep a guy around. I never had anyone break up with me because I wouldn’t blow them. I’ve had entire relationships where I’ve barely given a bj. It’s not in my repetoire unless I’m with someone I’m seriously in love with. And I’ve always felt that way, even when I was single and having one nighters. For me, that’s just one thing that is too intimate to just give out freely. If that’s the attitude, then it is sad. Girls should know, as I did, that they are more than what they do sexually with a guy. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/146 "2005-04-27T01:42:03Z")
> [@D\_Odds](#): > > At 13, I would have done/said _anything_ to get a hummer (not much has changed, but that’s besides the point). I would have coerced, lied, pleaded, begged and used everything short of physical force. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be), at 13, I couldn’t get a girl to give me a second glance other than to renew a scowl. I was around none of my female peers who freely experimented. > > That is the fishbowl through which I will be peering when my daughter dates. They are nothing but hormony, horny young boys who, should they so much as hold my daughter’s hand, will have their legs broken. The fact that I will only be thinking that and not doing that will be, to me, all the restraint and rationality I’m required to show. Touch anything other than her hand, and he will lose the limb. But what did your parents tell you about how you should behave with a girl? You wouldn’t have to worry about hand-holding or kissing leading to your daughter being ravaged **if** more people would raise their **sons** to respect women. Why aren’t boys being told by **their** parents, not girls’ parents, that they’d better not get out of line? Why is locking daughters in a tower the only solution? **Why can’t anyone raise boys so that they can be trusted?** ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/147 "2005-04-27T12:22:01Z")
[QUOTE=1010011010] Oh, I agree he should have told her mom. I take no issue with bringing the mother in… it was the “I seen what you done with that boy. You wait ‘til yer mama gets home, an’ fess up young missy.” tone in which she was confronted. [\QUOTE] Since you weren’t there (unless you were hiding under the couch), you have no idea what tone I used. In point of fact, I sat her down and said, “X, I saw what was going on with Y, and I believe your mother should know about it. Either you can tell her, or I will. I’ll leave that decision up to you.” End of conversation. I don’t know how you crackers down in VA Beach speak, but here in civilization we don’t tend to say “I seen…” 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/148 "2005-04-27T12:48:08Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > **Rashak** , it’s not about girls having to be more chaste. It’s about girls doing all the giving and boys doing all the taking. And about a girl’s social status depending solely on whether or not she puts out. Don’t put out → no boyfriend. No boyfriend → no social life. That shouldn’t be. Well you don’t know that for sure… how do you know what her BF promised her after he got some… :eek: hehe Plnnr would be posting from the hospital after catching her doing a 69 ! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/149 "2005-04-27T13:21:53Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Why shouldn’t the boy’s parents know what he’s doing? Are you one of those who thinks sexually active girl = whore/sexually active boy = man? > > **Rashak** , it’s not about girls having to be more chaste. It’s about girls doing all the giving and boys doing all the taking. And about a girl’s social status depending solely on whether or not she puts out. Don’t put out → no boyfriend. No boyfriend → no social life. That shouldn’t be. No, I think that if one parent confronts another about something as sensitive as this, it could result in a physical disagreement. This is to be avoided. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/150 "2005-04-27T13:30:06Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > No, I think that if one parent confronts another about something as sensitive as this, it could result in a physical disagreement. > > This is to be avoided. Why, though? Really, I’m curious: why would the boy’s father get physically aggressive with **plnnr** because of something his own son did? Even if **plnnr** wasn’t presenting it as a grievance? Who says it would be a confrontation? Do we put boys that far above reproach that we risk getting punched in the face if we even talk about their sexual activities in anything but “boys will be boys” terms? What if SD gets pregnant and this kid is the father? Will **plnnr** have the option of discussing child support with the boy’s family, or should he avoid a possible “physical disagreement”? ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/151 "2005-04-27T13:46:30Z")
I think you did the right thing. I may have briefly considered urging the young man to leave with the sound of me racking a shotgun but the calm but firm approach was best. All kidding aside you handled a potentially tough situation well I think. My adult stepson once asked if I wouldn’t tell his mom about something. I told him that he could not ask me to keep secrets from my wife so I could not honor his request and that I would do what I think was the right for him and her in any situation concerning him. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/152 "2005-04-27T14:03:31Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Why, though? Really, I’m curious: why would the boy’s father get physically aggressive with **plnnr** because of something his own son did? Even if **plnnr** wasn’t presenting it as a grievance? Who says it would be a confrontation? > > Do we put boys that far above reproach that we risk getting punched in the face if we even talk about their sexual activities in anything but “boys will be boys” terms? What if SD gets pregnant and this kid is the father? Will **plnnr** have the option of discussing child support with the boy’s family, or should he avoid a possible “physical disagreement”? No, because there is a whole generation of “parents” out there that refuse to believe that _their_ Little Darling can do wrong, that’s why. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/153 "2005-04-27T14:19:42Z")
But if, as I said, **plnnr** doesn’t present it as something the kid did “wrong”, there shouldn’t be any conflict. **plnnr** didn’t walk in on a rape. He identified the boy as SD’s **boyfriend**. As in an established relationship. If someone has a son who’s in an established relationship, they should want to be apprised of what their son is doing in that relationship. If **plnnr** said to the kid’s parent(s), “Look, I know this is awkward, but I thought you’d want to know. Your son and my stepdaughter are engaging in sexual activity. Oral sex, to be precise. I know this because I walked in on them in my living room. No, I’m not suggesting you punish him! My stepdaughter isn’t being punished either. I just thought it might be time for you to have a talk with him about male responsibility. If you haven’t already.” I don’t see how that would cause the boy’s parents to go on the offensive. If they do, well, that’s their problem. But better that both sets of parents should have this discussion now than the projected one about child support. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/154 "2005-04-27T15:42:53Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > But what did your parents tell you about how you should behave with a girl? > > You wouldn’t have to worry about hand-holding or kissing leading to your daughter being ravaged **if** more people would raise their **sons** to respect women. Why aren’t boys being told by **their** parents, not girls’ parents, that they’d better not get out of line? Why is locking daughters in a tower the only solution? **Why can’t anyone raise boys so that they can be trusted?** I’m trying. The gist of my messages are "if I don’t want someone doing it to my stepdaughter, I don’t want my son doing it to someone else’s daughter. P.S. At 13, I consider kissing to be ravaging, and there will be breaking of bones if it happens. 🆒 My son, owing to some issues that he had (and still has to a much lesser degree), was never in a position to be on the opposite side of that equation. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/155 "2005-04-27T16:38:21Z")
**badmana** , if that’s what you were trying to say, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I can’t help being amazed (and more than a bit amused), though, at all the people who wonder where this sort of trend came from. Good lord, folks, the idea that if you won’t do it he’ll go find someone who will is NOT a new concept. The blowjob angle seems like a relatively recent development, but the underlying issue has been with us for a very long time. Think about how many posts you’ve seen on this board about no sex being a dealbreaker. Think about the “my wife isn’t giving it up” threads where people tell the guy to get out. And you wonder where teenage girls get the idea that if they don’t put out/go down they won’t have a boyfriend? Good grief. ---
**Author:** ![badmana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@badmana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badmana)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/156 "2005-04-27T17:40:08Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > **badmana** , if that’s what you were trying to say, I apologize for the misunderstanding. > > I can’t help being amazed (and more than a bit amused), though, at all the people who wonder where this sort of trend came from. Good lord, folks, the idea that if you won’t do it he’ll go find someone who will is NOT a new concept. The blowjob angle seems like a relatively recent development, but the underlying issue has been with us for a very long time. Think about how many posts you’ve seen on this board about no sex being a dealbreaker. Think about the “my wife isn’t giving it up” threads where people tell the guy to get out. And you wonder where teenage girls get the idea that if they don’t put out/go down they won’t have a boyfriend? Good grief. Never meant any offence and none taken. I agree, the message is really screwed up. There is nothing inherently wrong with a BJ any more than there is anything wrong with waiting until marriage. Young or old, adults are no less immune to wanting to fit in than kids. We might fool ourselves in believing adults don’t care (and sure, some don’t) but just look at the auto industry to see how good adults are in trying to not fit in. Wanting to fit in is a powerful human need. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/157 "2005-04-27T19:02:46Z")
That’s a damn good point, **CrazyCatLady**. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/158 "2005-04-27T20:30:27Z")
I’m disturbed by a few things in this post, but first I’d like to say that I think the OP handled it beautifully. One of the things that’s bothering me is the implication a few people have been making that it’s “just a blowjob”. Holy cow people, unprotected oral sex is still unprotected sex! You have precisely the same risk of contracting a great many sexually transmitted diseases as unprotected vaginal sex. The main differential is that you won’t get pregnant from oral sex. You can still catch herpes, warts, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, oh and HIV. In my personal opinion, an unplanned pregnancy at thirteen (while definitely not a consequence to be desired) is NOT the biggest potential consequence of her behavior - dying of AIDS is. And while it’s possible both of the children (yes, CHILDREN) are virgins and this is their very first exploration into the wide world of adult sexuality, I seriously doubt it. I _certainly_ wouldn’t want to risk my daughter’s life on the proposition. That being said, while it’s possible there are thirteen year olds responsible enough to be trusted to practice safe sex every single time, I am completely sure that there are an enormous number who are NOT responsible enough. I was one. And before someone says “Just because you weren’t doesn’t mean this kid isn’t” let me point out that a) my experience of irresponsible children is just as relevant as any experience of responsible children you may have and b) when the stakes are as high as they are when you have sex, I prefer to err on the side of caution. While sex is a beautiful, natural, and really, really fun thing, it’s also a major, major responsibility. If the OP says his SD isn’t ready for the responsibility, I’m totally willing to bow to his greater knowledge of his step-daughter. Just because it’s beautiful and natural and all kinds of fun doesn’t mean it’s fun for all ages. I am also really, really disturbed by the climate that gets fostered when little girls are told the only way to avoid social ostracism is to suck dick. Which seems to be a paraphrase of what SD told her mother in this case. I was on the receiving age of pressure like that myself - although mine came at a slightly later age (high school, early college). Fortunately, I’m the sort that cannot be pressured into anything without threats of physical violence to someone I love, so I told the little gentlemen where they could stick their notion that my primary role as their girlfriend was to provide them oral pleasure on demand without anything for myself. I had a number of friends with more accomdating dispositions, though. I got to watch one of them die of AIDS at age 25, after a long, debilitating, painful struggle with her disease. Still technically a virgin, never having experienced an orgasm. She believed, right up until she was diagnosed, that a blowjob isn’t really sex - it’s no big deal, no risk. I could wish her parents had been more forceful about demanding personal responsibility for her behavior - and aware enough of their daughter’s life to know what she was doing and exert some parental limitations on certain behaviors. ---
**Author:** ![Scarface\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Scarface\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarface_Z)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/159 "2005-04-27T21:04:52Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > Holy cow people, unprotected oral sex is still unprotected sex! You have precisely the same risk of contracting a great many sexually transmitted diseases as unprotected vaginal sex. The main differential is that you won’t get pregnant from oral sex. You can still catch herpes, warts, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, oh and HIV. In my personal opinion, an unplanned pregnancy at thirteen (while definitely not a consequence to be desired) is NOT the biggest potential consequence of her behavior - dying of AIDS is. That’s my biggest question. Was the guy wearing a condom? Because I remember the health instructor at my high school drilling it into us that BJs weren’t safe. Maybe **plnnr** didn’t notice if he was, but that’s one of the first things I’d ask the SD. BTW, if that’s a “no,” that would be my number one reason for talking to the boys parents. It’s bad enough if the boy expects a girl to put out, worse if he thinks he doesn’t need a condom. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026/160 "2005-04-27T21:08:29Z")
> [@Scarface Z](#): > > That’s my biggest question. Was the guy wearing a condom? Even if he was, that doesn’t make the behavior safe. It mitigates the risks somewhat, but it doesn’t make it safe. And if a child is having oral sex at that tender age, then the parents have every reason to be concerned that she might be going further than that. Hence the need for a nice, long talk. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-step-daughter/301026.md?page=9)