# My stepmother is a vandal and a theif **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 10, 2002, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295 "2002-08-10T19:07:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/41 "2002-08-11T06:21:10Z")
Did the step-mother seal from another adult, or did she confiscate from her step-child living under her roof? Seeing as these two people are not able to get along, the solution is for the adult-child to leave the nest. Calling in the police is not a solution, and would only increase the tension between the two. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/42 "2002-08-11T06:31:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Did the step-mother seal from another adult, or did she confiscate from her step-child living under her roof? Both. And the latter doesn’t stop the former from being wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s not a matter of not being able to get along. Lola accidentally violated a law of the house to a trivial extent. (She left the journal out, by mistake, in a space that only she usually goes.) Her stepmother violated the law of the land, or at least of hospitality, on purpose and maliciously. The stepmother owns the problem, not Lola, and Lola should not be forced out of her home in order to avoid being stolen from, especially not a home she pays good money in order to live in. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/43 "2002-08-11T06:37:14Z")
It does not matter whether the step-mother was wrong or right. The fact of the matter is that these two have not been able to learn to live under the same roof. Thus it is time for the child to become an adult and find her own way in life. ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/44 "2002-08-11T06:37:23Z")
And the respect in which lola holds the adult with whom she is sharing her life is really indicative of a need to find somewhere else to live. Plus it’s nasty to play games with other people’s marriages if you’re considering yourself an adult roommate. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/45 "2002-08-11T06:46:51Z")
Well said. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/46 "2002-08-11T06:52:45Z")
[quote] Her stepmother violated the law of the land, or at least of hospitality, on purpose and maliciously. The stepmother owns the problem, not Lola, and Lola should not be forced out of her home in order to avoid being stolen from, especially not a home she pays good money in order to live in. [quote] Who’s forcing Lola out of her home, and why is it more her home than her stepmother’s? If you had a roommate who destroyed your journal after she asked you not to leave it out where her son could find it,and told you she would destroy it if she found it out again, you might call the police. Good luck in getting them to do anyhting. What would really happen is that you wouldn’t be roommates anymore- one of you would leave. After all, why should you pay good money to be treated like that? Lola’s got a reason to stay. Apparently, although she contributes money to the budget,she doesn’t contribute enough to take that 1/3 of her income (whatever amount that might be) , find a roommate and get her own apartment. That means Dad and stepmom are subsidizing her.(although it doesn’t seem that they get along judging by “harpy” and “shrewish”) And there is just no way in the world that you can accept a subsidy from your parents and not have them treat you like a child, rather than another adult. It’s difficult enough to get them to treat you as an adult when they’re not contributing to your living expenses. None of this has anything to do with the stepmother being right - I’m not sure she was. But it’s a trade-off Lola’s making whether she realized it or not. ---
**Author:** ![jmpride62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@jmpride62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmpride62)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/47 "2002-08-11T07:39:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kung fu lola \* > \*\*Oh, at least my Dad sort of sided with me though - I overheard him telling her to “Shut up” about it when she went on a tirade about it (it sounded like he was tired of listening to her shrewish harping). And the goodbye he gave her before he left on his business trip that morning was less than affectionate. > Wow - my Dad actually sided against The Harpy - must mark this day on my calendar. \*\* Is it just me, or is this soooo not about that journal? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/48 "2002-08-11T07:39:29Z")
**lola** , this isn’t what you want to hear, and you probably won’t agree, but you sound like a child in this thread. It is an immature attitude that blames someone else for the problems they cause themselves; “My boss sucks - he fired me cause all I did was come in late every day and not show up sometimes. But I always had good reasons.” And anyway, you’re probably only a year or two away from the “complete freedom” (yeah, right) of adulthood. Then you can walk away from the evil stepmother and never look back. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/49 "2002-08-11T07:41:29Z")
**jmpride** , due to simulpost I didn’t see your post before - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/50 "2002-08-11T07:50:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jmpride62 \* > \*\*Is it just me, or is this soooo not about that journal? \*\* Is it just me, or did I say that as the first reply in this thread? ---
**Author:** ![ratty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ccd318/32.png) [@ratty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratty)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/51 "2002-08-11T08:03:35Z")
**Lola** , I’d have to say in all honesty that you should think about moving out if you can’t tolerate her behavior. You don’t consider anything in your journal to be disturbing or lascivious, but your stepmother obviously does. She apparently wants to make sure her son doesn’t get ahold of it, and while a 10-year-old should be expected to respect others’ privacy, it still has to be remembered that he is, in fact, a 10-year-old. You can’t expect the same level of common decency from a kid that you should be able to from an adult- they just haven’t learned it yet. And you really can’t argue with your stepmother about how she wants to raise her son- it’s none of your busness. You may think she’s an insane control freak, and this may well be true, but it’s still her kid. I also agree with **matt** , though. She really shouldn’t have looked through your journal, as it’s not her property, and common decency demands that we do not touch other people’s property without their permission. If she was that worried, maybe she could have just put it back in your room, or even chastised her son if he attempted to look at it. (Good ‘respect other people’s stuff’ learning oppurtunity for the kid there.) If you’re an adult and paying at least some of the rent, she should afford you a greater measure of respect. But maybe this all boils down to not you, but her son and her fears he might be exposed to something she’d not rather not have him exposed to. If she asked you not to leave it out, and you did anyway, even if it was a mistake, you should expect repercussions. You should expect repercussions from a roommate in that situation, although obviously not going so far as to destroy your property. I’ll admit, stepmom sounds like a bitch based on what you’ve posted, but what can you do? Arguing isn’t going to fix things, since you were _both_ in the wrong here. Looks like you’d better start looking for a better job and somebody to split the rent. On a more personal note, a similar situation in my life led to my second moving-out, albeit on better terms. After my dad died, I moved back home with my mom to be there with her for a few months, get things straightened out, etc. And all our old fights sort of came back- her disapproval, my guilt, her anger, my resentment. I was back in her house, rent-free. I realized I was in her corner now, and I tried my best to behave like a house-guest: no late nights, no loud music, no doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it. But it got tiresome- and she realy didn’t know how to relate to me as anything other than her child, or her as my mother. So after one huge blow-up, we had a talk about things, and we decided I should leave- she was okay being alone, and we needed to let go of our child/parent/control realtionship and learn how to have a child/parent/friend relationship. And now we get along better than we ever have, and I actually value and respect her more than my bitter teenage self ever thought possible. Ugh. How very ‘Wonder Years’ of me. This is embarassing. My point is, you should talk to her about this in a serious, respectful, and open manner. Try to reach some compromise. If this isn’t possible, or neither of you are capable of a serious discussion like this, then you’re gonna have to either put up with it or move out. It sucks, but that appears to be the way the world is. Trying to play your father and step-mother off of each other, or complaining behind her back to garner sympathy for your cause is childish and malicious, and it’s just going to cause more problems in the near future. Good luck with this, and I really hope it all works out for the best. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/52 "2002-08-11T15:35:33Z")
ratty, I think you’ve shown more sense than alot of people in this thread. I have to admit, in some of my other posts here I’ve brought up issues that have nothing to do with the incident of the journal, but when I’m not blinded with rage I see those things more clearly. I know I made a mistake. I just don’t understand how having two years of work thrown out (or put where I can’t get at it) is a reasonable consequence of that mistake, especially when there was no real harm done to the child involved. I don’t think there was even the potential of harm, considering that I left the journal in a place where he doesn’t really go and the entire thing went down during a time of night when he is safely tucked in bed, not roaming around the house. Like I said earlier, if she hadn’t been up so early doing laundry, she would never have even known it was there. I really think the whole thing is an excuse to punish me for being different from her and not agreeing with her in everything. My stepmother is a very angry and fearful person. She keeps the people in this house on a short leash. This causes conflicts between us, but I keep trying to please her. It sounds to me like some of the other people posting in this thread have control and authority issues of their own that are shining through in their responses. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/53 "2002-08-11T15:46:22Z")
You could try taking responsibility for your actions, ya know **lola** You keep saying “I shouldn’t have left my journal out, **BUT, BUT, BUT** ” No buts. You shouldn’t have left your journal out. If my roommate kept goat-porn and she left it lying around the living room, I’d tell her to keep it in her room. If she left it lying around again, I might very well toss it in the bin. I probably wouldn’t freak out, but I don’t have a 10 year old wandering around either. Your journal is obviously your step-mom’s version of goat-porn. Even if you don’t agree with her assessment, you still have to accept it as her opinion. You keep saying how you were disrespected and your rights were violated. How about how you disrespected your step-mother by leaving the damn thing around in the first place. You keep saying that you’re an adult, but everything you’re saying here is painting you as a child. Either move out, or keep the damn journal locked up in your room. ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/54 "2002-08-11T16:06:36Z")
Sorry folks, while I certainly agree that Lola and her step mother have major issues that are well above and beyond the journal issue, Six months had passed. Two infractions within 6 months really does not seem that bad. And I am very curious about the fact that Lola could not find the journal in the garbage. Lola… How many trash disposal options are there at your home? Did you dig through all of them? Did you ask your step mom what disposal method she used? -Doug ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/55 "2002-08-11T16:07:40Z")
Oh so you’d look at goat-porn that you knew wasn’t yours? Nosy sort, aren’t you, alice? I maintain that I made a mistake; that no one forced anyone to invade my privacy (last time I checked, books don’t magically open themselves); and that stealing my journal and hiding it was the wrong thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/56 "2002-08-11T16:13:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kung fu lola \* > \*\*It sounds to me like some of the other people posting in this thread have control and authority issues of their own that are shining through in their responses. \*\* Specifically who, and specifically how? Or is it that you are pissed off at so many people not supporting you, and this is you way of slashing back? Grow up, kid. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/57 "2002-08-11T16:13:51Z")
Ah - so both the journals were clearly marked: **LOLA’S JOURNAL!!! MAY CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL!!! UNSUITABLE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 25!!! KEEP OUT!!!** ? ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/58 "2002-08-11T16:15:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dublos \* > **Sorry folks, while I certainly agree that Lola and her step mother have major issues that are well above and beyond the journal issue, Six months had passed. Two infractions within 6 months really does not seem that bad.** I was waiting for someone to bring that up. > [@](#): > > \*\*And I am very curious about the fact that Lola could not find the journal in the garbage. > > Lola… How many trash disposal options are there at your home? Did you dig through all of them? Did you ask your step mom what disposal method she used? \*\* Well, after she stomped up the stairs, I thought I heard her forcefully and loudly throw the book into the kitchen garbage bin. There are two big garbage bins in the house, one in the kitchen and one in the laundry room next to my room. There are smaller pails in the computer room on the 2nd floor and in the master bedroom. As for asking stepmom about it, I know from experience that if I bring it up I will be met by a screechy sermon on my moral bankruptcy. Very unlikely that I will get any useful information out of polite inquiry. As I said earlier, I don’t think this is about protecting bro. I think it’s about controlling me (and thereby protecting bro). ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/59 "2002-08-11T16:17:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by alice\_in\_wonderland \* > \*\*Ah - so both the journals were clearly marked: > > **LOLA’S JOURNAL!!! > MAY CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL!!! > UNSUITABLE FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 25!!! > KEEP OUT!!!** > > ? \*\* Sounds reasonable. _shrug_ ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/60 "2002-08-11T16:24:37Z")
Ok. Although I still wonder about this: > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by kung fu lola_**Oh, at least my Dad sort of sided with me though - I overheard him telling her to “Shut up” about it when she went on a tirade about it (it sounded like he was tired of listening to her shrewish harping). And the goodbye he gave her before he left on his business trip that morning was less than affectionate. > Wow - my Dad actually sided against The Harpy - must mark this day on my calendar.** Why do you sound so delighted that your dad was forced to take sides at all? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295.md?page=4)