# My stepmother is a vandal and a theif **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 10, 2002, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295 "2002-08-10T19:07:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/61 "2002-08-11T16:30:00Z")
I wouldn’t know anything about forcing dad to take sides. I’m not the one who does it. ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/62 "2002-08-11T18:03:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kung fu lola \* > \*\*As for asking stepmom about it, I know from experience that if I bring it up I will be met by a screechy sermon on my moral bankruptcy. Very unlikely that I will get any useful information out of polite inquiry. > As I said earlier, I don’t think this is about protecting bro. I think it’s about controlling me (and thereby protecting bro). \*\* Well, now that’s a matter of your then playing the game by her rules, is it not? Or do attempts at rational discussions devolve into shouting matches on both sides, so that not only do you not gain any information, but you also get to feel bad about losing your cool to such irrational behavior. Perhaps she’s just waiting for you to bring it up so that she can vent some of her ire and she’s got your journal somewhere she feels is safe so she can wave it under your nose? Did you bring up your inability to find it to your father before he left, and is he more open to rational discussions than your step mother? And is there a trash receptical outside of the house? Did you look there? -Doug ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/63 "2002-08-11T18:26:24Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by dublos \* > \*\* > Well, now that’s a matter of your then playing the game by her rules, is it not? Or do attempts at rational discussions devolve into shouting matches on both sides, so that not only do you not gain any information, but you also get to feel bad about losing your cool to such irrational behavior._\* I do everything by her rules (except think). It’s my attempt at being a good housemate. > [@](#): > > \*\*And is there a trash receptical outside of the house? Did you look there? \*\* Yes I did. I dug through leftover pizza, rice, soggy popcorn and old shoes. ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/64 "2002-08-11T20:37:00Z")
Lola, it sucks that you lost your journal, but you made a mistake for which you knew the consequences, and those consequences happened. Your stepmother a bitch for doing that, rather than some more moderate action, but in practical terms, she’s well within her rights, and your only recourse is to move out. Suck it up. ---
**Author:** ![stc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac8455/32.png) [@stc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stc)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/65 "2002-08-11T20:53:35Z")
Now, let me get this straight. Just because she lives in her father and step-mother’s house, lola loses expectations of reasonable privacy even though she is paying rent? I understand that there are minors in the house (a 10 year old), but come on, 2 instances in 6 months does not equal a heavy handed response as to throw away someone’s “diary”. I am a guy, and as such have never compiled one of these journals, but I aways thought that a diary or journal was supposedly sacred to a girl. (Sorry if this seems overly simplistic or chauvinistic). I don’t know about a lot of you, but saying that she should “move out” or “find a room mate” is not very practical in all situations. Not everyone has high paying jobs, it’s not always that easy to find appropiate room mates, or to find a reasonable priced apartment. Not to be a flame or anything (especially since this is my first post 🙂 ), but some of you are sounding like money shouldn’t be an object or at least aren’t considering a factor such as money. Not everyone can afford to, just up and move, you know. From what **she** is saying, it seems that by doing such things as staying out of her step-mom’s way, not eating her food, not using the computer when her S/M (Step-Mom) is home, not watching the T.V. when her S/M is watching it etc, this doesn’t sound like she is aggravating the situation that much, with the exception of this red-hot journal. This seems like she is aware of the bad feelings between her and the S/M, and is not trying to make them worse (name calling here notwithstanding). Also, on a personal note, I too live in my father’s house. He doesn’t live there as he lives with his girlfriend, but he does keep a room and comes by the house everyday. My other room mate, who has a 13 year old son who visits every weekend, lives with me also. Occasionally, I leave stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want anyone to see outside of my room. They don’t touch, look, open, read or even bother with it and I seriously doubt they would even consider doing that. Why do I live in my father’s house? Divorce is expensive as well as child support. Every adult who lives with their parents have their reasons for doing so, and not all of them do so for a free ride. Man, was that a ramble, but it seems to me that some of you aren’t looking past the fact that she is an adult who lives with her parents and not at what the OP was about. That her privacy was invaded and her personal belongings were thrown out, regardless of one warning, six months earlier. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/66 "2002-08-11T20:55:34Z")
Lola What does your father have to say about this? It is his house also. Try speaking to him. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/67 "2002-08-11T21:24:03Z")
I really wish I could count on my dad for some support on this. But I know that stepmom uses her anger to control him, and I don’t want to put him in a position where she might use her tactics of giving him the silent treatment, slamming doors and muttering comments under her breath to hurt him. He is very sensitive and when she throws a tantrum it’s painful to see him pleading with her to come out of their room and talk to him. I’d rather he either sided with her or stayed out of it, for his own sake. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2002, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/68 "2002-08-11T21:25:40Z")
And **hansel** , next time you lose a prized posession that you put two years of work into, for no reason other than you made an honest mistake while your judgement was cloudy, I’ll the first in line to tell you to suck it up. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/69 "2002-08-12T01:12:04Z")
I have the feeling there’s more to this than we’re hearing. BTW, how many ten year olds would resist the chance to read a journal they know contains adult material, especially if it’s been left lying around outside the owner’s room? ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/70 "2002-08-12T01:24:20Z")
Guin, I doubt my bro knew the thing had anything adult in it. The other contents of the journals included: Drew Barrymore’s recipe for macaroni and cheese, some notes I took at a conference on preventing breast cancer, quite a few poems I had written (none of them containing naughty words), some collages of pictures of Madonna (fully clothed), some random thoughts ranging from how much _Girl, Interrupted_ annoyed me to how much I missed my best friend since moving away from her, designs for some sock puppets my sweetie and I invented, and some sketches inspired by episodes of _Buffy The Vampire Slayer_ (again, nothing even PG-rated). If there is more to the story, I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know if my brother ever saw what was in the first journal, and I KNOW for a fact that he never got a peep inside the second. ---
**Author:** ![Liz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/liz/32/17737_2.png) [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/71 "2002-08-12T01:30:51Z")
I can’t really agree with the overriding opinion on this one. Lola is, by definition, an adult, and should be treated as such. I think, I used, too many, commas, up there. :wally **Any** way. The journals belonged to Lola. Period. You don’t throw other people’s property in the trash. Come on. If her step-mother is a fundie Christian, and Lola is a Satanist, does that give Lola the right to trash StepMum’s Bible?? Most certainly not. I mean, Lola pays rent. Therefore she owns half of that dwelling. Be assured, if one of my roomies had ever thrown something away because they didn’t like it, there would have been some serious ass whoopin’s going on. There’s the issue of the brother finding her nude drawings and such. What ever happened to the **mom** policing the little bastard? I was taught that you don’t fuck with other people’s things. I also understand he’s 10 and isn’t always going to listen to the StepMum, but is that Lola’s fault, OR Lola’s problem? Not to me, it’s not. Little bro should get his hands smacked for going where he doesn’t belong. Imagine, a parent taking responsibility for what their children do, instead of blaming someone else. Hard to fathom, I know. :rolleyes: Eh. My worthless 2 cents. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/72 "2002-08-12T01:48:34Z")
Matt, look atthe senario this way: Someone runs an add in the local paper that says: Room and board avalible in comfortable home for a fraction of the going rate. Conditions apply: rentor will have little or no rights, privacy will not be respected, actions will be scrutinized and rentor will have no right to appeal landlord’s arbitrary decisions. Would you answer that ad? Of course not. Nor would I. But some people would: some people would find the trade off of comfortable surroundings and increased disposable income to be worth giving up a bunch of things that are really, really important to me but which aren’t important to them. **Lola** has to decide whether or not she wants to continue living in the situation she is in: maybe it isn’t **right** or **fair** that that is the best deal her parents are willing to offer her, but the world is what it is, not what it should be. Me and you both know plenty of people with rawer deals than that–kids kicked out on the street with no money and no options and not even the **choice** to stay home and trade being treated as a child for a cheap, dry place to stay. **Lola** has the luxury of time, of being able to decide now that she is going to move out in six months and to begin to make concrete steps towards that goal. **Lola** , I spent the summer working with a 17 year old girl whose stepfather told her mother “it’s me or the kid” and her mother chose her husband: things could be worse. You need to move out. It is possible, though it will mean considerable sacrifices (my husband slept on the floor for years: I brought into the relationship a single matress on the floor that we shared and considered a luxury) . Instead of spending your energy coming up with clever ephitits for your stepmom, you need to channel your rage into coming up with a concrete plan for getting your own place. A good place to start is by studying people your own age who support themselves: they probably live in groups, as this is cheaper. Once you get a solid plan together, make ytour proposal to your father and mother, both. If you have facts and figures, they may even be willing to help you out., as i suspect that nobody is enjoying the situation as it now stands. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/73 "2002-08-12T02:01:23Z")
You’re right, Manda. I’ve looked into the living conditions of my co-workers before. They are all either living at home, or renting a place that their parents pay for, for them. Which isn’t going to happen in my family; there is no way my dad would agree to give me money for rent when he could save all that dough by having me live in his space. My last manager was living in a one-bedroom apartment and sharing it with one friend and one stranger. _shudder_ How’s THAT for loss of privacy? And she was making $2.00 more per hour than I am now, PLUS commission; 4% of the store’s earnings per week. Can you believe it? Even a room at the Y costs $450/month here. I thought the Y was supposed to be affordable to poor people. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/74 "2002-08-12T02:12:28Z")
**Lola** , you could be orphaned tomorrow: if you were ,you’d find some way to survive. What you have here is the incredible luxury of time to save and to plan: you may have to find another job, move to another, cheaper city, or find some other creative solution. You say you can’t just “suck up” the loss of your journal: well, the alternitive to “just sucking it up” is moving out: them’s the breaks. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/75 "2002-08-12T02:16:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manda JO \* > **Lola, you could be orphaned tomorrow: if you were ,you’d find some way to survive.** If I were, I’d have a hell of a life insurance sum to live on (Thank you, Lutheran Life)! And a house, too; well 50% of one anyway, which I would share happily with my (like-minded) biological brother (if he decided to come back from BC). 😛 😛 😛 Sorry, feeling giddy. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/76 "2002-08-12T02:21:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by QueerGeekGirl \* > **I mean, Lola pays rent. Therefore she owns half of that dwelling. > . . . > My worthless 2 cents.** If you wish to move your statement up from worthless, then please provide a cite to prove what you have put forward. The fact is that Lola has no property rights what so ever. Her paying rent does not make her an owner of the property, and does not even give her any rights as a tenant. Check out s.3(i) of the [Tenant Protection Act.](http://192.75.156.68/DBLaws/Statutes/English/97t24_e.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/77 "2002-08-12T02:32:25Z")
If paying rent makes one an owner of property, my parents would have about five houses. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Liz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/liz/32/17737_2.png) [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/78 "2002-08-12T02:49:29Z")
I apologize for my vague and incorrect statement. If Lola pays rent, she has the same rights and privileges of the other household members. I shouldn’t have implied ownership. ---
**Author:** ![Ms2001](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ms2001/32/18463_2.png) [@Ms2001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms2001)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/79 "2002-08-12T02:50:41Z")
If **lola** ’s stepmom had said “don’t leave your jewelry on the kitchen table”, and one day she forgot and found that stepmom had pawned it all, would that be excusable? No, and a diary is no different. Stepmom owns the house, not the things **lola** happens to keep in the house. ---
**Author:** ![Liz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/liz/32/17737_2.png) [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295/80 "2002-08-12T02:56:06Z")
Very well said, Mr 2001. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepmother-is-a-vandal-and-a-theif/123295.md?page=5)