# My stepson - Episode III: The drunkening **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 14, 2006, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551 "2006-02-14T22:56:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/21 "2006-02-15T03:25:06Z")
> [@dalej42](#): > > I’ve seen several friends through DUIs. I’d be thinking closer to $5000. Be sure to factor in:\ If it’s that much, they can keep him. He’ll be dropped from the insurance when the license is suspended, so an interlock device won’t be necessary. If he can’t drive, why would he need one? Besides, according to one of your links, he won’t be eligible for a work permit. As for community service, my wife will end up taking him to wherever he has to go (hopefully, it’ll be something disgusting and embarrassing). ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/22 "2006-02-15T03:40:13Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > He’ll be dropped from the insurance when the license is suspended, so an interlock device won’t be necessary. If he can’t drive, why would he need one? Besides, according to one of your links, he won’t be eligible for a work permit. What’s to keep him from driving even without a license or insurance? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/23 "2006-02-15T03:43:47Z")
> [@Morgyn](#): > > What’s to keep him from driving even without a license or insurance? Well, his truck will go back to his father’s place. The only car he could drive is my wife’s, but, legally, it’s mine (it’s in my name). Don’t think I wouldn’t call the police if he took it (with or without permission from my wife). ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/24 "2006-02-15T04:09:18Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > If it’s that much, they can keep him. > > He’ll be dropped from the insurance when the license is suspended, so an interlock device won’t be necessary. If he can’t drive, why would he need one? Besides, according to one of your links, he won’t be eligible for a work permit. > > As for community service, my wife will end up taking him to wherever he has to go (hopefully, it’ll be something disgusting and embarrassing). Ugh, I can only hope it will be that simple. A friend of mine had to get an interlock installed for a year even though he was completely forbidden from driving. The interlock companies do like their money. I had to drive him in his car every month to get the device checked. However, I’m not sure if Georgia will or will not require one for a first offense. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/25 "2006-02-15T04:14:40Z")
> [@dalej42](#): > > However, I’m not sure if Georgia will or will not require one for a first offense. Every source I’ve Googled indicate that his license will be suspended for one year with no chance of a temporary or limited reinstatement. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/26 "2006-02-15T04:58:03Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > \ As long as he doesn’t kill anybody before he turns 18 (April 1, 2007), I’ll have to suck it up. Don’t kid yourself; it won’t ever be over, as long as your wife is his mother and she continues to enable him. You sound conflicted about a bunch of this stuff, **Mr. Blue Sky**. What do you really want? ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/27 "2006-02-15T07:45:09Z")
Do what is _necessary_ for _YOU_. -Get counselling. -Get a secondary source of some income. A second job, eBay sales, etc. -Make sure there is only ONE key to your car… and YOU keep it on you 24/7. -Call on ALL the resources you can. -Visit the clergy where she plays. Often churches have numerous options for you to explore. They may be able to help with apartment deposit, furniture, etc. -Then…get out. I understand that you love this woman. But her blind-eye to her son’s actions are an anchor around your neck that will ultimately drown the both of you in debt/time/effort. Seriously, battered women are encouraged to cut and run; damn the hardship and expense. Mayhap your step-son will see you as the bane of his existance and decides to raise fists against you? Sir, face facts, you play second-fiddle in this household and will always do so. If you have no problem having your financial and emotional ass handed to you on a regular basis; by all means, stay put. You need to make a hard decision. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/28 "2006-02-15T08:26:15Z")
Every time he does something harmful to himself or your family, buy a dog, take it out back, and shoot it in front of your wife. Not necessarily a real suggestion, but your problem is that right now you have no way to punish him _nor her_. Coming up with a way to do that is possible, if cruel (again, the above example is not recommended.) But letting the kid kill himself and your family’s mental health is probably worse. But your only way of being able to potentially fix issues is to take control of the family and that will take you being the bad guy for a while and imposing law where you currently don’t feel like you have the right to it. In end result it might get you kicked out, but on your current path that’s probably equally likely. Either way, at the age of 16 I think the best you are ever going to be able to do is to convince your wife to kick him out. He’s either going to self-destruct or live in a general funk for the next thirty years until he comes out of it himself, but I doubt that you will be able to fix him. Maybe military school or such, but I have never read any reports on how effective these actually are so no idea. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/29 "2006-02-15T09:48:34Z")
Sit down with your wife and look at your finances. Decide if this latest crapfest is going to come out of **her** money, **your** money, or **our** money. Then go from there. You have stated that you can’t leave because the payment on the house comes directly from your direct deposit. (I’m quite sure you could get around this if you really wanted to - but I understand that you don’t want your wife to lose the home you moved into.) So look at your finances and see where the money goes. Is your income going into mortgage, utilities, etc. while hers is basically hers? Stop it. Make her agree that the percentage of income of each of you will go to household expenses - which includes feeding/housing the SS. After that amount, you are not responsible for his fines, bail, etc. It has to come out of **her** money. I get the impression you don’t want to give up your wife. I am very sorry she doesn’t understand what kind of guy she has. Many, many years ago a man left me because his teenage son “didn’t like me”. He wanted me back after said teenage son was an adult in jail. ---
**Author:** ![Tomcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Tomcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tomcat)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/30 "2006-02-15T10:04:12Z")
You do seem to have some power if you pulling out would cause her to lose the home. Why not use it? Not nice, but…so fucking what? Its not nice what’s happening to you. They obviously aren’t seeing the problem as you do, and you seem to want them to wake up and change. But it won’t happen that way. It seems like mom is telling you quite clearly that when it comes to you or her son, it is her son she chooses. Which isn’t always a bad thing (mother’s love and all), but it is now being detrimental to the whole family. If you need A, B & C to happen, then you need to give them the choice to accept those conditions, or you will leave, the house will be repossessed, and you’ll get on with your life. You have choices, you are presently not wanting to follow through, but you do have choices. Also, you might want to draft a letter to give to the Judge recommending serious treatment because the kid won’t listen any other way. Then show it to mom. I can’t believe that the kid was caught driving drunk at age 16 and he didn’t even get punished. WTF? I mean really. WTF? Need an invitation to act like a parent or what? -Tcat ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/31 "2006-02-15T16:51:08Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > I figure if we get out of court for under $1000, we’ll be lucky. Question: why is it “we?” Why would this cost you anything? Are you the boy’s legal guardian or adoptive parent? If not, then why would it cost you? I can understand your wife will probably pay for the little shit, but you should just refuse to contribute in any way. And, if I understand it correctly, if it’s her house, then why are the payments coming directly out of your account? Stop the payments and get your own place until your wife agrees to stop the insanity. I agree with Tomcat here: > [@Tomcat](#): > > ``` > You do seem to have some power if you pulling out would cause her to lose the home. Why not use it? Not nice, but...so fucking what? Its not nice what's happening to you. > > ``` ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/32 "2006-02-15T16:53:15Z")
> [@Fish](#): > > b) face an inevitable but _unknown_ financial hit _later_ when he commits some crime you must pay for Again, why would HE have to pay for any crime his stepson commits? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/33 "2006-02-15T17:12:38Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Again, why would HE have to pay for any crime his stepson commits? Because his wife is the boy’s legal guardian? And I would assume a step-parent is also considered a legal guardian. (Not a lawyer, sorry). ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/34 "2006-02-15T17:13:36Z")
Can the boy be sent to live with his father? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/35 "2006-02-15T17:20:21Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Question: why is it “we?” Why would this cost you anything? Are you the boy’s legal guardian or adoptive parent? If not, then why would it cost you? I can understand your wife will probably pay for the little shit, but you should just refuse to contribute in any way. > > And, if I understand it correctly, if it’s her house, then why are the payments coming directly out of your account? Stop the payments and get your own place until your wife agrees to stop the insanity. I agree with Tomcat here: Why? Joint bank acocunts is why. The house account was created specifically for this purpose, but we both have access to it. My paycheck goes into that account and hers goes into the regular account. We default on the mortgage, we lose the house. I ain’t livin’ in my car for the little bastard. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/36 "2006-02-15T17:21:36Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Can the boy be sent to live with his father? I think this was covered earlier, but no. By state law, he is not required to even visit his father once he passed 14. His father is still paying child support and did buy him the POS truck. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/37 "2006-02-15T17:39:29Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > Why? Joint bank acocunts is why. The house account was created specifically for this purpose, but we both have access to it. My paycheck goes into that account and hers goes into the regular account. > > We default on the mortgage, we lose the house. I ain’t livin’ in my car for the little bastard. If you really want your wife to change, tell her you are separating your bank accounts and starting your own account. Tell her you will still contribute to the expenses, just NOT any expenses involving your stepson’s legal problems. Tell her that if she is going to enable him, then she can pay for it on her own. If you’re not willing to do this, then I guess this whole thing is bothering you enough. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/38 "2006-02-15T17:53:43Z")
I know you’re frustrated and I know the kid is being a jerk, but it’s obvious to me you really, REALLY dislike him. I’m sure it’s obvious to him and his mother, too. She’s probably siding with him because she knows you dislike him so much and she LOVES him. He’s her son. That’s not going to change. It’s a reflex. You may not hate him, but it _sounds_ like you do. You need to make it clear to him and mom that it’s the behavior, not the person, that you hate. His attitude may change if he feels you value him as a human being. Your wife’s behavior may change as well. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/39 "2006-02-15T17:55:29Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > I think this was covered earlier, but no. By state law, he is not required to even visit his father once he passed 14. His father is still paying child support and did buy him the POS truck. Sorry about that - I re-read and found your comments. Maybe packing his stuff and kicking him out to live with his father is the wrong approach - I was thinking more along the lines of out-foxing the boy and his father - somehow convince both of them that it is _what they want_ a la Jedi Mind Trick or something. It certainly sounds like you’re committed to your wife, and I have the utmost respect for you in this regard. I’d hate for it to come to you forcing an ultimatum on your wife, though, because it doesn’t sound like it would go your way. Good luck with this whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551/40 "2006-02-15T18:06:17Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > . > > because your wife is going to continue to use family money and resources to bail this kid out. Once he’s in jail, she will use family money and resources to go see him. If he moves out, she’ll pay for his apartment, and of course he’ll be welcome back every time he gets evicted. Hmmmm. Actually, there is one option … Set up your OWN bank accounts, and have all of your income deposited into them. DO NOT let her have any access, no card, no pin information, no name on the account NOTHING. If she doesnt work, then YOU can write her a check every month for spending money, but YOU take over paying the bills that were once handled through your joint account. Make certain the bank knows she is to have NO access to YOUR account whatsoever. If she has any form of power of attourny of yours, REMOVE it or change it to restrict her access to your bank to accident requiring hospitalization or death. Hell, get a lock box and lock your wallet and banking paperwork in it when required to keep her from accessing the information. She doesnt need to know your banking information. This way, she can spend only her own money on the worthless louse, and you are maintining the spending required for your maintenance. FWIW, remove him from your insurance policy now. Let her get him his own to screw up. Keep your own policy ‘clean’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-stepson-episode-iii-the-drunkening/344551.md?page=3)