# My Uncle doesn't like my Girlfriend because she's Black **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 28, 2011, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248 "2011-03-28T13:10:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/21 "2011-03-29T10:39:25Z")
He’s just jealous. He actually _loves_ black women - it’s asian women he doesn’t care for. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/22 "2011-03-29T11:14:25Z")
That sucks, **Ryan**. I also understand how hard it is to “let it go”. This isn’t a long-distant cousin who you only see on a blue moon. You’re perfecty entitled to feel hurt by this while simultaneously being reluctant to “let it go”. But I think that’s all you can do. If this were a TV movie, we could anticipate a moment when your girlfriend somehow redeems herself in your uncle’s eyes and starts to see the light. But we know that’s not how things really work. My father’s anti-Semitism came to a head last year, right when my sister revealed that she was dating a Jewish guy. I got so angry at him for shitting on my sister’s joy that I secretly vowed that I was cutting him and my mother out of my life. But it’s not so easy to do this with parents, and besides, he hasn’t said anything anti-Semitic since the incident (not in front of me). But I hope I won’t have to go at him with a steak knife like Vanessa Williams did in “Soul Food” if he slips up again. I love basking in the imagery, but I know it wouldn’t be a cool move on my part. How does her folks feel about you, if I can be nosy? ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/23 "2011-03-29T12:17:18Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > What’s the ridiculous part, that the uncle can’t rationalize his motives himself? Or that, since the uncle has chosen to cut off contact, **Ryan\_Liam** shouldn’t drive himself nuts over the uncle’s own freshly-discovered nut streak? Umm, what you actually said was “stay away from the crazy if you can” and not either of those things. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/24 "2011-03-29T12:46:58Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > “How are things going?” > > “Pretty good I think. Next week her brother is going to teach me how to.. I think it’s called “pop a cap in people’s asses” or something like that. Not sure what that means but it sounds kinda fun.” Where the hell is the " Like" button. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/25 "2011-03-29T12:48:00Z")
“But, I’ve always like dark meat.” ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/26 "2011-03-29T13:48:15Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > That’s ridiculous. This man is what seems to be a close Uncle, so he’s probably going to have to some sort of grips with it. > > How old is the guy, Ryan? I think in some people when the brain starts to go these kinds of attitudes can rear up. I’m not so sure it’s necessarily that they were always hiding racism so much as the part of their brain that realized that it’s stupid has malfunctioned. He’s in his mid 50’s, I thought that was the age when they start to mellow about crap that doesn’t matter. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/27 "2011-03-29T13:54:16Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > That sucks, **Ryan**. I also understand how hard it is to “let it go”. This isn’t a long-distant cousin who you only see on a blue moon. You’re perfecty entitled to feel hurt by this while simultaneously being reluctant to “let it go”. > > But I think that’s all you can do. If this were a TV movie, we could anticipate a moment when your girlfriend somehow redeems herself in your uncle’s eyes and starts to see the light. But we know that’s not how things really work. > > My father’s anti-Semitism came to a head last year, right when my sister revealed that she was dating a Jewish guy. I got so angry at him for shitting on my sister’s joy that I secretly vowed that I was cutting him and my mother out of my life. But it’s not so easy to do this with parents, and besides, he hasn’t said anything anti-Semitic since the incident (not in front of me). But I hope I won’t have to go at him with a steak knife like Vanessa Williams did in “Soul Food” if he slips up again. I love basking in the imagery, but I know it wouldn’t be a cool move on my part. > > How does her folks feel about you, if I can be nosy? Her mom likes me, her aunty doesn’t mind either, they don’t seem to have a problem with it on that side of the spectrum. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/28 "2011-03-29T15:45:56Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Umm, what you actually said was “stay away from the crazy if you can” and not either of those things. What’s “ridiculous” about that? This is someone who’s already chosen to write the OP out of his life. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/29 "2011-03-29T17:52:32Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > What’s “ridiculous” about that? This is someone who’s already chosen to write the OP out of his life. For the moment, but I’m not entirely sure the OP wants to leave it at that. I think it’s ridiculous to dump “someone I told my problems too, someone who helped me get my first proper job” into “the crazy” bin. At least not as the first option. I know it’s easy enough sitting a thousand miles away to just type out “meh, fuck him” but a lifetime of positive memories might deserve a little more respect, imho. I don’t know, Ryan, 50’s is a little young but if this is the first time he’s ever acted this way coupled with (also new?) manipulative behaviour with his nephew, maybe he is losing some of his faculties. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/30 "2011-03-29T18:47:00Z")
Here’s a snippet of the argument, it may provide a more clearer picture than what I am describing. > [@](#): > > **My Uncle** > don’t worry matey > > at SOME POINT … that hand will be thrust forward with the accompanying plead > for their .. (choose one) > > sick mum > cat > sister (that’s always a good one) > brother > father > > or > > a combination of all of those with varying degrees of illness that need the appropriate amounts > of cash > > all with LOVE of course > [@](#): > > **Me** > Her mom is already sick, she already knows I’m unemployed and have no money, she doesn’t talk to her father. She even bought me perfume for Christmas, and I haven’t spent shit on her. You didn’t have any problem with the asian bird, so what’s the big deal with this black chick? > [@](#): > > \*\*My Uncle \*\* > > yeah yeah > > the Asian bird was a fk wit .. > > Do you know how to catch a mouse ? > > you lay down a trail of little bits of cheese for it to eat > and you keep doing that until it’s off guard > > then you smash its face in with a hammer .. > > cheese = Xmas present > > you know her mother’s ill and she hates her father > > (two more bits of cheese) > > Well, at least I’ve told ya .. > [@](#): > > **Me** > That analogy works both ways… > I find it quite insulting for you to ascertain I’m incapable of making a balanced judgement about something important. I still think this is because she happens to be black, again, you had **NO** problem with the asian chick. > [@](#): > > \*\*My Uncle \*\* > Goodbye Ryan > > Have a nice life .. What’s peoples take on this? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/31 "2011-03-29T19:12:02Z")
Well, you know what they say… _Once you go black You never talk to your uncle again._ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/32 "2011-03-29T19:13:37Z")
Your girlfriend’s going to smash your face in with a hammer?!? :eek: I think your fifties is when you mellow or get completely hardened in your way of thinking - I’d say your uncle has gone the latter route. And I’d also say he doesn’t care for black women much. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/33 "2011-03-29T19:58:34Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Well, you know what they say… > > _Once you go black > You never talk to your uncle again._ Nicely done. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2011, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/34 "2011-03-29T22:35:12Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > What’s peoples take on this? Your uncle likes to talk in metaphors, doesn’t he? And not very good ones either. How are a sick mother and an estranged father “cheese”? It doesn’t sound like he reasoned himself into his position, so you’ll only drive yourself crazy trying to reason him out of it. Try to get him out your head, and if necessary, take a vacation from him, too. You don’t want his opinions being a reason why you stay OR leave your girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/35 "2011-03-30T17:24:32Z")
I’d tell him to take a hike. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2011, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/36 "2011-03-30T17:42:09Z")
He’s a racist jackass, but in all fairness he was a crypto-racist jackass until you decided to call him out and confront him. If someone is in their 50’s the chances of you changing their mind about anything is pretty slim. Some might think it a cowardly posture to let sleeping crypto-racist dogs lie, but the benefit to rousing them and confronting them with their perfidy is sometimes questionable if they are just being nuisances and are not actively interfering in your life. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/37 "2011-03-30T21:51:49Z")
> [@astro](#): > > He’s a racist jackass, but in all fairness he was a crypto-racist jackass until you decided to call him out and confront him. If someone is in their 50’s the chances of you changing their mind about anything is pretty slim. > > Some might think it a cowardly posture to let sleeping crypto-racist dogs lie, but the benefit to rousing them and confronting them with their perfidy is sometimes questionable if they are just being nuisances and are not actively interfering in your life. I know, but I wasn’t expecting such a cut off from him like that because I confronted him. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2011, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/38 "2011-03-31T00:11:23Z")
That’s some messed-up shit right there. Is he a clinical psychologist? Please say no. I’d hate to think of a black person sitting in his office, pouring out their soul, while he’s thinking about mice, cheese, and smashing faces. It just occurred to me. Perhaps the reason why I don’t get close to people like you’ve gotten with your uncle is because I don’t want to find out what really lurks underneath. I’ve always thought it was the annoying quirks that get in the way, but maybe I’m scared of hearing those things people only say when no one else is around. I wouldn’t know how to look at your uncle after that. And I would definitely feel weird bringing my girlfriend around. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, **Ryan**. ---
**Author:** ![seanchai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@seanchai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seanchai)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2011, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/39 "2011-03-31T01:30:53Z")
Somebody, years ago, told me that a good percentage of those who go into Psychology are searching for answers to some personal, internal conflict/s. I don’t know if this is right or wrong. However I do find that we all have some needs we expect our friends / relatives / mentors to meet. Your uncle needed to have you accept his advice on worldly matters. You’ll notice he didn’t have any well thought-out answers to your questions. He had opinions, personal experiences, and he presented his opinions as facts. When you questioned his “facts” he took a hike. What does this tell you? It says it’s all about him. You were meant to stroke his ego, as you apparently had in the past. He may be well educated in his field, and he may have a successful career. However I’d like to know if he has many friends, especially friends he’s had for a decade or two. People with the ‘my way or the highway’ style of presentation don’t tend to have a great many long term pals. You can disagree with me if you like. We can debate this, then agree to disagree if need be. You can figure out who your friends are by noticing who is happy for you, and who … well. an seanchai ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2011, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248/40 "2011-03-31T13:48:27Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > That’s some messed-up shit right there. > > Is he a clinical psychologist? Please say no. I’d hate to think of a black person sitting in his office, pouring out their soul, while he’s thinking about mice, cheese, and smashing faces. > > It just occurred to me. Perhaps the reason why I don’t get close to people like you’ve gotten with your uncle is because I don’t want to find out what really lurks underneath. I’ve always thought it was the annoying quirks that get in the way, but maybe I’m scared of hearing those things people only say when no one else is around. I wouldn’t know how to look at your uncle after that. And I would definitely feel weird bringing my girlfriend around. > > I’m sorry you’re in this situation, **Ryan**. I know and after that email I replied it’s sad that it is like this, you know, someone who all your life you’ve regarded as someone who’s mature and a reasoned adult, someone who has your best interests, then you find out it wasn’t really to do with anything like that, but you were more of a pet project they periodically checked up on. > [@](#): > > **seanchai** > What does this tell you? It says it’s all about him. You were meant to stroke his ego, as you apparently had in the past. He may be well educated in his field, and he may have a successful career. However I’d like to know if he has many friends, especially friends he’s had for a decade or two. People with the ‘my way or the highway’ style of presentation don’t tend to have a great many long term pals. This is a good point and I will remember this, I just wonder how I can convince my younger brother of this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-uncle-doesnt-like-my-girlfriend-because-shes-black/576248.md?page=1)