# My weird kid has social problems, help **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 12, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568 "2012-10-12T21:58:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/81 "2012-10-15T23:04:09Z")
Take the $300 and do something with her. Can you do a family outing to Canberra for $300? I don’t know anything about getting around in Oz. Buy something special for her- maybe some cute bows for her three pigtails, a locket with pictures of mom and dad, you get the picture. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/82 "2012-10-16T01:25:29Z")
> [@Arabella\_Flynn](#): > > Your daughter’s behavior is not causing the problem. The behavior of the other children is. If nobody can control them in school, then nobody will be able to control them on the field trip either. It would be three days of what amounts, for a twelve-year-old, to being in an active combat zone with no backup at all. Well said. > [@Arabella\_Flynn](#): > > She thinks she hates people, incidentally, because this is a perfectly logical hypothesis to develop when most of them are rather mean to you. I nose around a lot in the social psychology of the gifted and talented, and this is surprisingly common among the weird smart kids. They have close to zero friends through grade school, pick up a few in high school, and then normalize (socially, in the statistical sense) in university, when they have the opportunity to meet people who actually think about the same odd things they do. She’ll stop believing she hates people when she gets older and meets some she can actually talk to. Hey, that could have been me, and people weren’t even particularly mean in my case. My elderly neighbor’s Golden Retriever was one of few reasons that I survived my early teen years. (This may veer into advice that you really didn’t ask for, but if your daughter likes animals I’d strongly encourage you to make sure she has regular access to them. IMHO they’re the best therapy known to mankind. Imagine being able to get a thousand pound horse to do what you ask with a touch - school bullies are tiny in comparison.) Anyway, college rocked and I made up for any previous lack of friends there. And got my depression treated, which helped too. Life sucks for teens sometimes. Fortunately it does get better. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/83 "2012-10-16T01:46:27Z")
> [@phreesh](#): > > Off-topic, but please don’t attribute a corporate ad to a person. > > [http://www.panhala.net/archive/to\_the\_crazy\_ones.html](http://www.panhala.net/archive/to_the_crazy_ones.html) I saw him speak and he said claimed authorship of the quote. He said he ordered the creation of the ad campaign because it reflected his philosophy. [This](http://poolandpatio.about.com/b/2011/10/06/steve-jobs-heres-to-the-crazy-ones.htm),[this](http://poolandpatio.about.com/b/2011/10/06/steve-jobs-heres-to-the-crazy-ones.htm), and [this](http://poolandpatio.about.com/b/2011/10/06/steve-jobs-heres-to-the-crazy-ones.htm) site attribute the quote to him but maybe he was BSing and claiming an ad agency’s creation as his own…though I can’t find a site to substantiate that. In any case, back to the OP, many conflicting opinions in this thread about what you should do. The reality is that you know your child and the situation better than anyone and you should do what you think is best for her. You are obviously a terrific parent since you are doing research to find out the best course of action. Parenting is difficult but you are not going to ruin her life, no matter which way you go on this. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/84 "2012-10-16T03:29:56Z")
> [@Arabella\_Flynn](#): > > Do not make her go. > > Your husband is right that she cannot just sit at home all day and still magically make friends. He’s also right that she needs to stretch herself sometimes, and do things that make her kind of nervous, and learn to cope with them whether or not they turn out okay in the end. He can help her do this by helping her find something that makes her want to stretch and put forth effort. Find a community class in something she’s interested in and is structured to make her work towards a goal for some length of time – an art class where the student needs to have X, Y, Z and a big finished project in their portfolio at the end of the semester, for example. > > (And please tell him never to use the phrase “building character” ever again. Soaking up damage just for the sake of learning how to soak up more damage isn’t a useful life skill, it’s an object lesson in learned helplessness. Particularly when your parents, the people who are supposed to love and care for you, are the ones that shoved you off the cliff in the first place.) > > This has nothing to do with that. The issue here is not really “I don’t know anyone going”, it’s “all of the other people who are going are people who make me miserable”. She might have been okay going if her friend was going, because there really is safety in numbers. She is not okay going if she’s going to be all alone, because then she is _all alone_, for _three days_, in a sea of people she normally gets to escape at the end of the day by fleeing for home. > > Your daughter’s behavior is not causing the problem. The behavior of the other children is. If nobody can control them in school, then nobody will be able to control them on the field trip either. It would be three days of what amounts, for a twelve-year-old, to being in an active combat zone with no backup at all. > > She thinks she hates people, incidentally, because this is a perfectly logical hypothesis to develop when most of them are rather mean to you. I nose around a lot in the social psychology of the gifted and talented, and this is surprisingly common among the weird smart kids. They have close to zero friends through grade school, pick up a few in high school, and then normalize (socially, in the statistical sense) in university, when they have the opportunity to meet people who actually think about the same odd things they do. She’ll stop believing she hates people when she gets older and meets some she can actually talk to. I still agree that she shouldn’t go, but I notice that you and a lot of other people are still suggesting she find other things to do outside of school. I also suggested that and think it’s a good way to get away from a bad situation if the problem is school. The OP came back to let us know that her daughter _does_ have interests outside of school and mentioned a sailing club and a pottery club. What I found concerning is that she doesn’t really like anyone in those places either. I think the OP said after 3 years she likes 2 girls in her sailing club and none in her pottery club. The OP seems concerned that her daughter just plain doesn’t like people and wants to help her. Bullying is a TERRIBLE thing and never the fault of the one being bullied, that’s absolutely true and it’s horrible she’s having an issue with a girl at school. Still, I hope the OP decides to not just write this off as a “kids can be so mean” thing because it seems that her daughter isn’t just having issues at school. Again (trying to head off accusations) I’m NOT blaming anyone for being bullied, but it doesn’t sound like bullying at the sailing or pottery club. Counseling really might be beneficial if she’s having issues all around as it sounds like she is. To say her daughter’s behavior is not the problem is assuming an awful lot from very, very little information. If you mean that her daughter’s behavior isn’t the problem for the school bullying, then yes\*. But her daughter might need some professional assistance to look at her overall thoughts, attitudes, and actions to see if there can be something done to nip this in the bud before it’s cemented too far into who she is. I know there are a lot of dopers who loudly and proudly wear their “I don’t like people!” banner but I really do think the world is an easier place for people who can learn to get along with people without having a general disgust for them. \*And even after all of my qualifying that the bullied are never to blame, I still have a feeling I’m going to get accused by some of blaming the victim. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/85 "2012-10-16T11:31:05Z")
Well, I am a vocal misanthrope and I don’t think it would hurt to have her talk to someone. I was bullied and harrassed in middle school, and the strange thing is that I have little emotional memory of it…so I’m tempted to say it was no big deal. Yet, my life has not unfurled in the most ideal way. And my mind often takes me back to my middle school years, when I used to hide under the table and “pretend” to be invisible. Or sharing a hotel room with the teacher! My parents knew I was having problems but chose to take a “wait it out and see” approach. Essentially leaving it up to me to do the dirty work as an adult and figure stuff out. It would not hurt to give her the opportunity to “talk it all out” with someone. They can evaluate her social skills, give her some good feedback and advice, and just be another person in her life. It doesn’t have to be an affair wrought with pathologizing. It’s just another way for your daughter to understand herself and make connections in a safe way. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/86 "2012-10-16T12:00:40Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > I agree with **Sleeps With Butterflies** that it would benefit your daughter to get involved in activities, but they should be activities that celebrate who she is. Helping her excel at what she’s interested in and what she’s good at will boost her confidence and social skills. This. There is a good (but not 100 %) chance that when your daughter joins an activity she just likes for itself, she will quite naturally like the kids that join in the activity. Especially if they are nerdy kids, because those are generally more focused on the activity itself and less about the social in group stuff surrounding it. Helping your daughter find her niche geek group is the best gift you can give her. I hated school trips, and doggedly went along when my mom dumped me on a nature geek study camp when I was 13. But it turned out to be a complete and utter revelation. My heart grew six inches that week. Finally I met other kids interested in naming plants and looking at insects. Suddenly interaction was smoothly effortless. We were a group because we all wanted to bike to that nature reserve and build a fire together and go hunting with our butterfly nets and botany kits and bring our finds back in the evening and either teach or learn each other about what we found there. Fun, flirting and cameraderie followed naturally. We were a group because it helped us to do what we all wanted, not because we were thrown together Lord of the Flies style. My mother never had to nag to get me on one of those camps anymore; instead, I became a member, checked out the announcements and went to camps and excursions whenever I could for untill I went away to college. Best thing, those camps were not adult run. They were run by the kids themselves, which fostered responsibility and discouraged “mean girls behavior”. The age group was 13-25, IIRC. A lot of geeky interest groups are organized that way. additional benefit is that such groups are cheap to be a member of. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/87 "2012-10-16T18:49:38Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > What I found concerning is that she doesn’t really like anyone in those places either. I think the OP said after 3 years she likes 2 girls in her sailing club and none in her pottery club. The OP seems concerned that her daughter just plain doesn’t like people and wants to help her. […] I’m NOT blaming anyone for being bullied, but it doesn’t sound like bullying at the sailing or pottery club. Counseling really might be beneficial if she’s having issues all around as it sounds like she is. Yup, definitely. Bullying and an unfriendly school environment is a separate issue from having emotional problems that call for professional help, but they overlap really often and one can easily lead to the other, and it’s all particularly messy for early teens/preteens. It’s up to the OP’s judgement if she thinks a professional evaluation is called for, though going and getting a ‘nope, she’s normal’ isn’t a bad thing. IMO therapy is rather like having a physical trainer - it helps you improve how you deal with the world, whether you’re starting with a major injury, or just trying to get in shape, or tuning up to run a marathon or deal with bullies. I am a huge proponent of it. ---
**Author:** ![akeimi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f0a364/32.png) [@akeimi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akeimi)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/88 "2012-10-17T10:22:47Z")
I think that by asking her to go, you’re setting her up to fail socially. When I think back to my experiences in school, I remember seeing plenty of bullying/rumors/exclusion in elementary school and 8-12, but during 6th and 7th grades it was kicked up about ten notches. It seems that in every instance where an adult was not within arms reach, each group of friends was entertaining themselves by making some poor kid’s life miserable in a way that seems sadistic today. Someone was always targeted, and there was no way you were going to stick up for them because you were just happy it wasn’t you. If your daughter is awkward socially and doesn’t have a friend on the trip, she’s going to be an easy target. It sounds like you think she’ll strike up a conversation with a classmate on the bus and then they’ll sing kumbaya together and stay up all night sharing secrets, but the most likely outcome is that she’ll end up sitting with an oblivious chaperone while the boys sitting behind her throw garbage at her. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/89 "2012-10-17T23:24:39Z")
> [@Arabella\_Flynn](#): > > (And please tell him never to use the phrase “building character” ever again. Soaking up damage just for the sake of learning how to soak up more damage isn’t a useful life skill, it’s an object lesson in learned helplessness. Particularly when your parents, the people who are supposed to love and care for you, are the ones that shoved you off the cliff in the first place.) (I want to defend my partner a little bit, in that he never actually used the phrase ‘building character’. That was my shorthand way of paraphrasing.) We have decided not to send her. She is very independent, and hardly ever complains or asks for help, so this is probably a pretty big deal to her. We want her to know that if she does need something, she can turn to us. The school is not very happy, but too bad. Her year and the year below are all going, so she has to go to class with the Year 4s, but she says she doesnt mind that. I could also just keep her home sick for those 3 days, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568/90 "2012-10-18T05:37:47Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > (I want to defend my partner a little bit, in that he never actually used the phrase ‘building character’. That was my shorthand way of paraphrasing.) Never mind, then. 🙂 I can understand his feeling that she needs to learn to not just categorically say no to things that she’s _afraid_ might turn out unpleasant, and in fact I think he’s right about that. Your description of her catastrophic reaction to this just sounded quite surprised, like you’ve never seen her do this sort of thing before, and it’s been my experience that getting that out of someone who’s normally just introverted and perhaps a bit grumbly means she sincerely _knows_ it’s going to be unpleasant. The meltdown being unexpected on your end just means that her certainty came from something she wasn’t telling you, which later in the thread turned out to be the case. It’s also been my experience that people who think the phrase “building character” is an argument, complete in itself, that justifies doing something miserable where the only end goal is having survived something completely miserable are also the kinds of people that think ignoring bullies will make them lose interest and go away. I’m very glad to hear that your partner isn’t one of those people, and I apologize if that read snippier to you than it sounded in my head. I’m glad you have her back on this. If she knows you guys won’t make her do pointlessly unpleasant things, she’s more likely to understand when you make her do unpleasant things that actually have a reward at the end, as parents often have to do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-weird-kid-has-social-problems-help/637568.md?page=4)