# My Wife Decided to Pack up the Kids and go out for Supper. Help Needed - FAST **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 12, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280 "2008-07-12T23:44:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/81 "2008-07-15T04:18:10Z")
[QUOTE=levdrakon] Why would you take the kids when dad is home? You take your cell phone with you. You take your wallet with you. I don’t understand why you take the kids with you to cool off from an argument, unless you feel your kids are in danger or you’re playing a game. [/QUOTE] Well, because I like to be with my kids…it makes me happy, and I could see myself just wanting to get away & have a distractingly fun time with them. I’d be much more likely to cool down faster from an argument in that situation, than if I ran off by myself to stew about it. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/82 "2008-07-15T10:39:40Z")
[QUOTE=levdrakon] Why would you take the kids when dad is home? You take your cell phone with you. You take your wallet with you. I don’t understand why you take the kids with you to cool off from an argument, unless you feel your kids are in danger or you’re playing a game. [/QUOTE] Why \*wouldn’t \* you? I’m not snarking, just asking… do you have kids? Because like \*\*Sarahfeena \*\* said, I \*like \*my kid. I enjoy her company. Most parents consider their children _people_, not charges to be handed off as soon as they can, or tools to be used for the manipulation of their spouses. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/83 "2008-07-15T11:43:41Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Why \*wouldn’t \* you? I’m not snarking, just asking… do you have kids? Because like \*\*Sarahfeena \*\* said, I \*like \*my kid. I enjoy her company. Most parents consider their children _people_, not charges to be handed off as soon as they can, or tools to be used for the manipulation of their spouses. [/QUOTE] Yes…expounding on what I said before, I take my kids all kinds of places they don’t _need_ to be with me…running to the grocery store, for instance, or if my husband is going to Home Depot on a Saturday, he’ll say to our daughter, “hey, buddy, you want to come with me?” (She’s 4…she thinks Home Depot is Big Fun.) Note that I am home, and she could stay with me. But, it’s a chance for him to spend some time with her, and gets her out of the house. It’s a pretty normal thing to do, and I don’t see why it would be different, just because he & I had a little squabble. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/84 "2008-07-15T12:27:27Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Most parents consider their children _people_, not charges to be handed off as soon as they can, or tools to be used for the manipulation of their spouses. [/QUOTE] I want to disagree here, or at least offer up an alternative viewpoint: There are a lot of parents who end up in adversarial relationships with their partners or former partners who end up seeing their children as little more than score cards in the battle between the two. People who use the term, “my child” with the same proprietary claim as they’d use for “my money,” “my house,” or “my car.” IMNSHO, it’s not unreasonable for someone whose marriage is on the rocks to start interpreting actions such as **Leaffan** describes, to _feel_ as though the children are beginning to be used in such a manner. It may or may not have been the intent of the woman in this situation, but it is not an unknown pattern of behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/85 "2008-07-15T14:14:27Z")
[QUOTE=Leaffan] So. I’ve been working around the yard all day. My wife and daughter went to get hair cuts. My son and I went for a swim. Peaceful. When my wife gets home I tell her I’m going to buy a newspaper. (This is after already defrosting some steaks and starting some baked potatoes.) When I get home from my newspaper journey, I find my wife has bought some fresh vegetables while out for her appointment. Great, except she has stuffed them into the fridge on top of, and in communion with other vegetables that aren’t so fresh. My comment: If you’re going to buy fresh vegetables then why not throw out the obviously “unfresh” vegetables while you’re putting the new ones away? She does this all the fucking time, and I’m the only one who EVER goes through the fridge on garbage day. Why the fuck is it my sole responsibility to discard old food? Then I go to the bathroom and notice (for the 1,000th time) that she has finished the last roll of T.P, and instead of replacing it, has put the new roll on the counter and not taken 10 fucking seconds while she’s there to replace the old roll with the new roll. OK - Deep breath. So, I confront her on both of these issues (and it’s like the millionth fucking time for both) and she explodes, and grabs both kids (9 and 10) and sticks them in the car! So I get to the garage to see them pulling out of the driveway; both of my kids looking at me like “why isn’t Daddy coming?” So, now I’m deciding, should I just pack up and go to a friend’s house for the night, or swallow my pride and hang tough till they come home. She’s no doubt convincing my kids right now that Daddy is the bad guy, and unless we left him and went out for supper there would be problems. (There have never been problems. My wife’s a fucking bitch and I don’t know how to survive any longer.) Good move, placing the kids in between us, asshole. [/QUOTE] My guess is that she had something (or, more likely, several things) that frustrated her throughout the day, and felt like you were nagging her for something she thought was of little or no importance. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/86 "2008-07-15T14:43:55Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Why \*wouldn’t \* you? I’m not snarking, just asking… do you have kids? Because like \*\*Sarahfeena \*\* said, I \*like \*my kid. I enjoy her company. Most parents consider their children _people_, not charges to be handed off as soon as they can, or tools to be used for the manipulation of their spouses. [/QUOTE] I dunno, I think 9 and 10 is a little old to be carted off to dinner, at that age they can stay home and entertain themselves while Mom and Dad cool off. Hell, at that age they can feed themselves dinner. They can also tell the difference between a reasonable disagreement and another nasty fight about nothing, this sounds like the latter and that’s not really any way to start off bonding time with the kids. IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/87 "2008-07-15T14:53:12Z")
**Leaffan** , it sounds like you are going through the final stages of marriage before divorce. I know what that looks like. It isn’t about toilet paper of vegetables. It is about taking the kids away in a huff among other things. This is a common scenario and you are not the first to see it. I have seen it a few times in the exact same ways that you are describing. You can take immediate and drastic action action to save your marriage but it may be too far gone already. The alternative is to start making the best divorce contingencies that you can because males to be at a disadvantage in these things. Don’t listen to any personal criticism in this thread. It has nothing to do with anything. What you describe is just what a failing marriage looks like down to the last detail. You can PM or e-mail me if you want to find out why I think that. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/88 "2008-07-15T15:04:56Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] I want to disagree here, or at least offer up an alternative viewpoint: There are a lot of parents who end up in adversarial relationships with their partners or former partners who end up seeing their children as little more than score cards in the battle between the two. People who use the term, “my child” with the same proprietary claim as they’d use for “my money,” “my house,” or “my car.” IMNSHO, it’s not unreasonable for someone whose marriage is on the rocks to start interpreting actions such as **Leaffan** describes, to _feel_ as though the children are beginning to be used in such a manner. It may or may not have been the intent of the woman in this situation, but it is not an unknown pattern of behavior. [/QUOTE] I don’t disagree with any of this, my point was only that I disagree with levdrakon’s assertion that there is NO REASON to take the kids with you, other than that you believe they are in danger, or you are playing a game. That is a pretty sweeping statement, IMO, esp. given the spare amount of info we have here (she brought them back in an hour’s time, after all). ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/89 "2008-07-15T16:11:14Z")
No worries, **Sarahfeena**. I simply wanted to bring up an alternate view to what I thought I saw **DianaG** saying - having forgotten that the whole point of the diversion was to counter **levdrakon** ’s admittedly overly sweeping statement. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/90 "2008-07-15T16:20:54Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] No worries, **Sarahfeena**. I simply wanted to bring up an alternate view to what I thought I saw **DianaG** saying - having forgotten that the whole point of the diversion was to counter **levdrakon** ’s admittedly overly sweeping statement. [/QUOTE] These conversations do go all over the place, don’t they? 🙂 I don’t disagree with you…in this instance, the kids may have been used as pawns, but it’s really pretty hard to tell from the info given. The initial story seemed like a big overreaction…“my wife and I had a _FIGHT_, about _TYPICALLY INCONSEQUENTIAL THINGS THAT MARRIED PEOPLE TEND TO FIGHT ABOUT_ and then she _TOOK THE KIDS OUT FOR DINNER_!” I mean, to me this seems like a pretty mundane event, to be honest. When he calls her a bitch and an asshole at the end of the post, sure that indicates that there’s more going on than just that, but it’s hard to tell who is being unreasonable. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/91 "2008-07-15T17:04:31Z")
I wish **Leaffan** would come back and update us, because I feel kind of like this is unfinished business - he told us about the crisis, but we don’t know about the resolution. I understand if he can’t for legal reasons, though. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/92 "2008-07-15T17:18:04Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] I wish **Leaffan** would come back and update us, because I feel kind of like this is unfinished business - he told us about the crisis, but we don’t know about the resolution. I understand if he can’t for legal reasons, though. [/QUOTE] No offense to you, but the fact that Leaffan has stayed away from this thread has made my opinion of him increase dramatically. I doubt that anything good can come from a return visit. Having seen the sharks circle on this board for many years, I think he was more than a little misguided to start it in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/93 "2008-07-15T17:58:57Z")
[QUOTE=Labrador Deceiver] No offense to you, but the fact that Leaffan has stayed away from this thread has made my opinion of him increase dramatically. I doubt that anything good can come from a return visit. Having seen the sharks circle on this board for many years, I think he was more than a little misguided to start it in the first place. [/QUOTE] I have to agree with you. I also hope it means that he is concentrating his strength and time toward his wife and marriage (and kids) instead of just blowing off steam here. And if he were to come back and say it was all a huge misunderstanding, there would be those who would still feel the need to castigate him for his expression of his feelings. I hope he and his family are ok. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/94 "2008-07-15T19:47:25Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] No worries, **Sarahfeena**. I simply wanted to bring up an alternate view to what I thought I saw **DianaG** saying - having forgotten that the whole point of the diversion was to counter **levdrakon** ’s admittedly overly sweeping statement. [/QUOTE] Well, I don’t have much else to add to this thread. I stand by my assertion though, that taking the kids to cool off after a fight isn’t a good idea. If you need to cool off, leave the kids in their _home_ and go talk to a friend if you want company. Or, like the OP, vent with your online community. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/95 "2008-07-15T19:49:47Z")
[QUOTE=levdrakon] Well, I don’t have much else to add to this thread. I stand by my assertion though, that taking the kids to cool off after a fight isn’t a good idea. If you need to cool off, leave the kids in their _home_ and go talk to a friend if you want company. Or, like the OP, vent with your online community. [/QUOTE] I can understand why she wouldn’t want to leave the kids with a father who boasts that they fear him. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/96 "2008-07-15T19:55:19Z")
[QUOTE=Labrador Deceiver] No offense to you, but the fact that Leaffan has stayed away from this thread has made my opinion of him increase dramatically. I doubt that anything good can come from a return visit. Having seen the sharks circle on this board for many years, I think he was more than a little misguided to start it in the first place. [/QUOTE] I’ll agree with misguided to start in the first place, but once you’ve dumped your purse all over us, we do appreciate some closure. Oh well - I’ll live. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/97 "2008-07-15T20:21:32Z")
[QUOTE=levdrakon] Well, I don’t have much else to add to this thread. I stand by my assertion though, that taking the kids to cool off after a fight isn’t a good idea. If you need to cool off, leave the kids in their _home_ and go talk to a friend if you want company. Or, like the OP, vent with your online community. [/QUOTE] Why is it bad to take the kids with you when you need to cool off, but okay to leave them with someone else who needs to cool off? ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/98 "2008-07-15T20:32:41Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Why is it bad to take the kids with you when you need to cool off, but okay to leave them with someone else who needs to cool off? [/QUOTE] Because the kids remain at home, where they belong. If you’re fighting with your spouse, why would you want to disrupt your kids’ lives and drag them into your emotionality? ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/99 "2008-07-15T20:32:48Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Why is it bad to take the kids with you when you need to cool off, but okay to leave them with someone else who needs to cool off? [/QUOTE] It is a power play and degrading to the other parent who the kids supposedly need to be “removed” from. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2008, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280/100 "2008-07-15T20:42:03Z")
[QUOTE=levdrakon] Because the kids remain at home, where they belong. [/QUOTE] What’s the big deal about taking the kids out to dinner? I just don’t see it. They probably enjoy being taken out to dinner - I know I did when I was a kid. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-decided-to-pack-up-the-kids-and-go-out-for-supper-help-needed-fast/456280.md?page=6)