# My wife died in my arms this morning. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 6, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006 "2011-05-06T20:13:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/141 "2011-05-07T17:12:02Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > She always made our home, humble as it was, a place I didn’t want to leave in the morning, and couldn’t wait to get home to in the evening. In some ways, we were both such homebodies, content with our little family, just me and her and the dog. I didn’t cry until I read this. How wonderful that you found each other. ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/142 "2011-05-07T17:43:25Z")
Fear itself, please accept my sympathies and condolences. Your portrait of the affection, love and joy in the relationship you and Pam had was moving, very moving. Once again, my sympathies, FML ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/143 "2011-05-07T18:16:21Z")
{{ **Fear** }} ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/144 "2011-05-07T18:34:02Z")
I am so sorry for your terrible loss, your story is so eloquent and heartbreaking, it moved me to tears. It seems life’s cruelest blow it to take from us the one holding up the sky in our world. It’s as though, all of life, has lost it’s sweet. You have shared a love so sweet, a life humble and warm, I am moved to imagine what it must have meant to her to die in your arms. You will be in my prayers for weeks to come. Sending you a tsunami of healing love, from us all. Furthermore, us ‘crazy people’ are available 24/7, and we have big ears, for true. Please don’t hesitate in the days ahead. We will worry if we don’t hear from you. If you’re feeling up to it, I, for one, would love to hear more. She sounds an awesome individual! ---
**Author:** ![wonder\_lust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecccb3/32.png) [@wonder\_lust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonder_lust)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/145 "2011-05-07T18:46:07Z")
my sincerest condolences. she will live within you always. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/146 "2011-05-07T18:58:31Z")
I’m sorry for your loss **Fear Itself**. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/147 "2011-05-07T19:49:33Z")
She sounds like a wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing some of her with us Crazy People. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/148 "2011-05-07T21:23:02Z")
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful and beloved Pam. She sounds like an amazing person to have borne such a terrible disease with such strength and serenity. May you draw on her strength as the time without her passes. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/149 "2011-05-07T23:00:43Z")
Thank you all for the words of support. I am finding that I have so many people here and IRL that really care about me, and are willing to catch me when I am to weak to stand. I am still not sleeping well, I got three hours of sleep last night, and I had to be in New Bedford to finalize the arrangements with the funeral home at 11:00. At 6:00 AM, I was writing the obituary and picking out a the perfect picture, and it was just too much too bear and I thought, “How can I drive a hundred miles in this condition?” I felt wired and drunk and overwrought, but I knew enough to realize it would not be safe, so I picked up the phone. I called Pam’s sister Debbie, who lives only about nine miles away. Her family and ours made up the New Hampshire contingent of the New Bedford clan. “Deb, I can’t do it, it’s too much, I need some help…” I blubbered, oblivious to the fact that this was a person with grief of her own. Pam and Deb were very close, it was only a week ago Deb took Pam out for a makeover. Her illness had ravaged her once beautiful complexion with blotchy hyper-pigmentation, and red marks from swollen capillaries in her face. Her hair was now mostly gone, leaving just wispy remains of her lustrous dark curls, which were now cut short. But when they returned that afternoon, Pam was radiant, and bubbled about foundation, and concealer and how nice the woman at the cosmetic store was. Her smile was back, and she was proud of how she looked, she had eyebrows again, and eye shadow, and even some little eyelashes were enhanced with strategic mascara and eyeliner. She positively glowed as she showed me what they had bought. So it was Debbie that I called when the weight was too much, and without hesitation, she replied, "I’ll be there at 8:30. It’ll be OK " and shouldered my load as well as her own. My god, I am wondering as I write this, do they still make women like this? Is everybody in this big rowdy family made of such emotional oak? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/150 "2011-05-07T23:21:58Z")
It’s a good thing to ask friends and family to help you - it helps them feel better, too. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/151 "2011-05-08T00:13:31Z")
I’m so happy to read that you had someone you loved so deeply and who loved you so deeply in return, and so sad to hear that you lost her much too soon. Please be good to yourself now - you are in my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Ceejaytee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ceejaytee/32/2956_2.png) [@Ceejaytee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ceejaytee)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/152 "2011-05-08T00:19:30Z")
I’m so very sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/153 "2011-05-08T02:57:50Z")
Oy. Scleroderma is a very hard way to go. You have given her a lovely tribute in sharing her with us. Thank you for that, FI. What a wonderful person. You take care. Sleep peacefully knowing she is out of her pain. May your heart, family and friends lead you out of yours. ---
**Author:** ![Faelyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c77e96/32.png) [@Faelyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faelyn)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/154 "2011-05-08T03:14:59Z")
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like an incredible woman. Sending you my love and every good thought I can muster. Be strong. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/155 "2011-05-08T03:24:26Z")
Keep asking for help, and keep writing. Talk. Cry. I am so, so sorry that the two of you had to go through this. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/156 "2011-05-08T03:25:11Z")
Just found this one…I’m very deeply sorry, **Fear Itself** – you have my heartfelt sympathies. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/157 "2011-05-08T03:26:21Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > From the lovely way you’ve written about her and your time together it’s perfectly clear to me why Pam would love you. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t say this any better than **gwendee** already did. My condolences to you and your family. Your love for her shines through in your words. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/158 "2011-05-08T04:38:05Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > My wife Pam died this morning at 1:30am after a long illness. She had been diagnosed with diffuse scleroderma in 2006, and over the past 5 years, it slowly robbed her of her ability to breathe and digest food, among other insults to her body. > This improbable pairing flourished as we corresponded, then talked, and finally, in her bold way, she suggested she wanted to come to Alaska to meet me. I was smitten, and we met in the airport in Kenai, Alaska in February 2002. She worked her wiles on me in the most stealthy ways, like cooking a big batch of Cape Verdean kale soup, and leaving numerous Tupperware containers full of it in my freezer, so whenever I got hungry, I would pull one out and think of her. > > She was so outgoing, and loved the same things I did, except camping (“That’s why God made Marriott Hotels!”) She always left people shaking their heads with her antics, but then they always said, “That’s Pam!”. One time, she used her mascara and eyebrow pencil to make us both up like silent film stars; she with her Gloria Swanson eyebrows, and I with my pencil-thin moustache carefully drawn in. Then we went down to the Moose Lodge for dinner, just to see if anyone would notice. That’s Pam. > > For the next two years we continued our courtship. She visited Alaska three times, I went to Massachusetts once to meet her big Portuguese/Cape Verdean family. I made some sarcastic joke at dinner. > > I am not the easiest guy to live with, let alone love, but for some reason she loved me, and I was privileged to be her husband for seven years. She made me a better person, and I hope I was able to ease the pain she did nothing to deserve. I’m sorry for your loss. She sounds like a fine and warm woman. You were lucky to have found each other. I’ve known men who are not the easiest to live with, and some that are not the easiest to love…but sometime one can see qualities in someone even when they are pushing you away that they cannot see in themselves… and we are able to look well beyond certain character traits, and fall deep in love with a man even when they are clueless and scared. The smart ones let it happen and realize that the love they’ll receive and deserve will make them a better person and bring happiness into their heart. You were smart. I hope time helps to ease some of your pain and sadness. Think of the good times…nobody can take that away from you. ~hugs to you. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/159 "2011-05-08T08:42:36Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > She often told me the story of her Portuguese grandfather, Puppa Dan, who would come home to her mom’s house after a long day gambling at the jai alai fronton. That underlined part’s redundant, you 🙂 You put something in my eye, then you made me giggle, in the same thread. I’m sorry for your loss, but glad that Pam had you to help her through her time of pain. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006/160 "2011-05-08T08:45:47Z")
Sorry for your loss, **Fear Itself**. She sounds awesome. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-died-in-my-arms-this-morning/581006.md?page=9)