I didn’t cry until I read this. How wonderful that you found each other.
Fear itself, please accept my sympathies and condolences. Your portrait of the affection, love and joy in the relationship you and Pam had was moving, very moving.
Once again, my sympathies,
FML
{{Fear}}
I am so sorry for your terrible loss, your story is so eloquent and heartbreaking, it moved me to tears.
It seems life’s cruelest blow it to take from us the one holding up the sky in our world. It’s as though, all of life, has lost it’s sweet.
You have shared a love so sweet, a life humble and warm, I am moved to imagine what it must have meant to her to die in your arms.
You will be in my prayers for weeks to come. Sending you a tsunami of healing love, from us all.
Furthermore, us ‘crazy people’ are available 24/7, and we have big ears, for true. Please don’t hesitate in the days ahead. We will worry if we don’t hear from you.
If you’re feeling up to it, I, for one, would love to hear more. She sounds an awesome individual!
my sincerest condolences. she will live within you always.
I’m sorry for your loss Fear Itself.
She sounds like a wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing some of her with us Crazy People.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful and beloved Pam. She sounds like an amazing person to have borne such a terrible disease with such strength and serenity. May you draw on her strength as the time without her passes.
Thank you all for the words of support. I am finding that I have so many people here and IRL that really care about me, and are willing to catch me when I am to weak to stand.
I am still not sleeping well, I got three hours of sleep last night, and I had to be in New Bedford to finalize the arrangements with the funeral home at 11:00. At 6:00 AM, I was writing the obituary and picking out a the perfect picture, and it was just too much too bear and I thought, “How can I drive a hundred miles in this condition?” I felt wired and drunk and overwrought, but I knew enough to realize it would not be safe, so I picked up the phone.
I called Pam’s sister Debbie, who lives only about nine miles away. Her family and ours made up the New Hampshire contingent of the New Bedford clan.
“Deb, I can’t do it, it’s too much, I need some help…” I blubbered, oblivious to the fact that this was a person with grief of her own. Pam and Deb were very close, it was only a week ago Deb took Pam out for a makeover. Her illness had ravaged her once beautiful complexion with blotchy hyper-pigmentation, and red marks from swollen capillaries in her face. Her hair was now mostly gone, leaving just wispy remains of her lustrous dark curls, which were now cut short.
But when they returned that afternoon, Pam was radiant, and bubbled about foundation, and concealer and how nice the woman at the cosmetic store was. Her smile was back, and she was proud of how she looked, she had eyebrows again, and eye shadow, and even some little eyelashes were enhanced with strategic mascara and eyeliner. She positively glowed as she showed me what they had bought.
So it was Debbie that I called when the weight was too much, and without hesitation, she replied, "I’ll be there at 8:30. It’ll be OK " and shouldered my load as well as her own.
My god, I am wondering as I write this, do they still make women like this? Is everybody in this big rowdy family made of such emotional oak?
It’s a good thing to ask friends and family to help you - it helps them feel better, too.
I’m so happy to read that you had someone you loved so deeply and who loved you so deeply in return, and so sad to hear that you lost her much too soon. Please be good to yourself now - you are in my thoughts.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Oy. Scleroderma is a very hard way to go.
You have given her a lovely tribute in sharing her with us. Thank you for that, FI. What a wonderful person. You take care. Sleep peacefully knowing she is out of her pain. May your heart, family and friends lead you out of yours.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like an incredible woman.
Sending you my love and every good thought I can muster. Be strong.
Keep asking for help, and keep writing. Talk. Cry.
I am so, so sorry that the two of you had to go through this.
Just found this one…I’m very deeply sorry, Fear Itself – you have my heartfelt sympathies.
I can’t say this any better than gwendee already did. My condolences to you and your family. Your love for her shines through in your words.
I’m sorry for your loss. She sounds like a fine and warm woman. You were lucky to have found each other. I’ve known men who are not the easiest to live with, and some that are not the easiest to love…but sometime one can see qualities in someone even when they are pushing you away that they cannot see in themselves… and we are able to look well beyond certain character traits, and fall deep in love with a man even when they are clueless and scared. The smart ones let it happen and realize that the love they’ll receive and deserve will make them a better person and bring happiness into their heart. You were smart. I hope time helps to ease some of your pain and sadness. Think of the good times…nobody can take that away from you. ~hugs to you.
That underlined part’s redundant, you 
You put something in my eye, then you made me giggle, in the same thread. I’m sorry for your loss, but glad that Pam had you to help her through her time of pain.
Sorry for your loss, Fear Itself. She sounds awesome.