# My wife is giving up. (Long, boring, bloggy) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 18, 2013, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249 "2013-06-18T04:26:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/101 "2013-06-18T23:02:48Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > She may not want a career as much as “to get out of the house” - kids can be exhausting. But she may feel an obligation to make a financial impact - and have come to the realization that visual arts is not going to be that path - with or without her limitations. > > A part time job may be what she needs at this moment, something to get her out of the house and make her feel like she is simultaneously contributing. When the kids are a little older and there is a littler more money, then taking up a “follow your muse” hobby. In the meantime, its probably important that she CREATES, doing dishes, laundry, raising kids, and then working a part time job doesn’t always feel like you are creating - if that is photography as a hobby, or drawing and painting, or gardening, or quilting or glass blowing or playing the guitar, or beading or whatever, and she may need to try a number of things before she discovers her creative outlet. > > For most people, we are not so lucky that our creative outlet is something that pays us an income. So we garden or play the piano for our own enjoyment - and we work jobs and raise kids and keep house because we have to. When you are lucky enough to get paid for what you love, then you have been very lucky. These seem like very valuable observations to me, **Dangerosa**. Thanks for writing them. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/102 "2013-06-18T23:10:29Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Okay. I have no idea how you can see what you’re saying as compatible with what **Astro** said. Astro’s post contained almost no true statements, and was based on false and unkind assumptions. So, I guess I have to stand by what I said. If you agree with **Astro** , then you are not reading for comprehension, and you are a jerk. Fair enough. You form that opinion based on your understanding of what I wrote, I form mine the same way. You disagree with me, I disagree with you. My reading comprehension is pretty damn good, part of what I do for a living is re-writing complex stuff into plain english. I’m fully aware that tone and intent often doesn’t come across well in writing. Some of your further elaborations in this thread make what you were trying clearer, although I do respectfully suggest that you need to be a little less sensitive to perceived criticism. back to the main topic, I can get what you’re saying about how your wife suddenly feels like a failure, being a good mother isn’t how she measures her own self worth but she’s facing the prospect that is all she has. I support the call for counselling. Look around, it doesn’t need to be expensive or ongoing, more likely a session or two with someone to pick over what’s going on in her head and help her with some tools and techniques to help her to sort herself out. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/103 "2013-06-18T23:14:49Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Fair enough. You form that opinion based on your understanding of what I wrote, I form mine the same way. You disagree with me, I disagree with you. I appreciate the way you put it. I agree completely. I do apologize, though, for using that language in this forum. > [@](#): > > My reading comprehension is pretty damn good, part of what I do for a living is re-writing complex stuff into plain english. I’m fully aware that tone and intent often doesn’t come across well in writing. Some of your further elaborations in this thread make what you were trying clearer, although I do respectfully suggest that you need to be a little less sensitive to perceived criticism. Meh, Astro said some really mean things about me. The internet’s like prison, you know. You can’t let that stuff slide. Especially if you’re caught in a moment of vulnerability. As for your reading comprehension, I don’t doubt that it’s awesome. I simply think it somehow slipped in this particular case. I’ve said things in the thread previously giving reasons for believing that Astro’s reading is a misreading. It seems impossible, in any case, for anyone to say on the one hand that they agree with Astro, and on the other hand to “support a call for counseling” for my wife. Agreement with Astro should imply a belief that she’s just fine and if anyone needs counseling it’s me. And also, it seems impossible to agree with Astro and at the same time to treat me with any particular gentle kindness. This is my main reason for suspecting you don’t agree with Astro even if you think you do. I suspect you somehow got from his post just the idea that I am overreacting. But his post contained much, much more than that. The overreacthion point isn’t even particularly central to what he said. > [@](#): > > back to the main topic, I can get what you’re saying about how your wife suddenly feels like a failure, being a good mother isn’t how she measures her own self worth but she’s facing the prospect that is all she has. > > I support the call for counselling. Look around, it doesn’t need to be expensive or ongoing, more likely a session or two with someone to pick over what’s going on in her head and help her with some tools and techniques to help her to sort herself out. I don’t think it’s impossible that this could help, but I really don’t presently see a way to bring it up without it backfiring. But it’s keeping in the back of my mind for just in case. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/104 "2013-06-18T23:20:12Z")
Regarding the counseling COSTS specifically, it may help if a primary-care doctor does an official recommendation for a session - oftentimes that recommendation will be covered by insurance when a regular “I realized it on my own” appointment would not be. If not, many if not most counselors and therapists are well aware that people are not often financially well off, and a mention of circumstances is often all it takes to work out a payment plan or reduced charge. I don’t know if she’s depressed or anxious normally, or just bummed by a very sad life event. No one can tell that from a message board. I will say that I’ve suffered from an anxiety disorder all my life, and that very mercurial “everything is \*ruined \*for _ever_” feeling of failure is amazingly familiar. I would stress out about not performing to standards I set, then when I fall short, or sabotage myself, I feel shat upon by the universe - all because my body is wired to process normal levels of stress as terrible affronts that have to be gotten rid of. I will ALSO say that even if she is “just” bummed out by a sad life development, there’s no reason to consider that a reason for NOT going to a therapist or counselor for a session or three. I think people would be a lot better able to navigate life if they considered a (good!) therapist more like a regular car tune-up rather than an emergency tow-truck. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/105 "2013-06-19T00:29:43Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Meh, Astro said some really mean things about me. The internet’s like prison, you know. You can’t let that stuff slide. Especially if you’re caught in a moment of vulnerability. Dude, seriously, let it go. Either that or take it to the Pit, but I think just letting it go would be a much, much better idea. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/106 "2013-06-19T02:04:25Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Dude, seriously, let it go. Either that or take it to the Pit, but I think just letting it go would be a much, much better idea. I am happy to discuss it with anyone who is interested in the issue. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/107 "2013-06-19T02:07:26Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > It seems impossible, in any case, for anyone to say on the one hand that they agree with Astro, and on the other hand to “support a call for counseling” for my wife. Agreement with Astro should imply a belief that she’s just fine and if anyone needs counseling it’s me. And also, it seems impossible to agree with Astro and at the same time to treat me with any particular gentle kindness. Oops, the abovequoted is wrong–you didn’t say you currently agree with Astro about these things, **Stui**. So never mind that. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/108 "2013-06-19T02:45:43Z")
I don’t know your wife, **Frylock** , but I agree with others who said the dyscalculia thing sounds like an excuse. It’s her way of admitting she no longer has the passion for pursuing a photography career. By blaming it on a learning disorder, she’s not really “giving up” in her mind. She’s merely accepting her limitations. It sounds like both of you are overachievers who don’t want to merely have jobs. You want meaningful careers that fill you with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Quitting photography seems like a major deal because this was supposed to be Her Big Thing, just like your graduate studies were. But in truth, she doesn’t have to have a Big Thing to be happy. She doesn’t have to have a title. She doesn’t have to stick with a certain dream just because you did. The pressure she’s been under probably comes from feeling like she needs to prove something to herself. But it’s also possible she wanted this dream to make you happy. Possibly relieve you of guilt about her staying at home? I agree with others that the photography dream seems like it has become as much your dream as hers. And this is why she’s blaming her desire to quit on a learning disorder. What I would do is not even bring this up with her for a couple days. Then, when you do talk about what’s next for her, be as light as you can without coming off as belittling or indifferent. Treat her “revelation” as a minor development, not a crisis or problem, and then be supportive as you discuss her future plans. Even if you think she’s being unambitious, don’t try to get her to reconsider photography or some other dream pursuit. She needs an open mind and a low pressure atmosphere. If she’s anything like me, she needs to feel like however she chooses to make money, you’ll be happy, proud, and understanding. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/109 "2013-06-19T04:01:26Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I am happy to discuss it with anyone who is interested in the issue. I doubt anyone but you is particularly interested in how angry you are at **astro** over the posts he made back on page one. He doesn’t even seem to be participating in this thread anymore. If you’re mad enough to Pit him then Pit him, but you’re basically just hijacking your own thread by going on and on about it here. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/110 "2013-06-19T04:11:26Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > I doubt anyone but you is particularly interested in how angry you are at **astro** over the posts he made back on page one. He doesn’t even seem to be participating in this thread anymore. If you’re mad enough to Pit him then Pit him, but you’re basically just hijacking your own thread by going on and on about it here. Am I going on and on about it? We could check. It’s an empirical claim which could actually be answered objectively. How many posts of mine on the topic are _not_ in response to someone apparently interested in discussing the topic? You could count the posts if you like, if you’re interested. Well anyway, as I said, I am interested in discussing it with anyone else who’s interested in discussing it. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/111 "2013-06-19T04:16:53Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > I don’t know your wife, **Frylock** , but I agree with others who said the dyscalculia thing sounds like an excuse. It’s her way of admitting she no longer has the passion for pursuing a photography career. By blaming it on a learning disorder, she’s not really “giving up” in her mind. She’s merely accepting her limitations. > > It sounds like both of you are overachievers who don’t want to merely have jobs. You want meaningful careers that fill you with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Quitting photography seems like a major deal because this was supposed to be Her Big Thing, just like your graduate studies were. But in truth, she doesn’t have to have a Big Thing to be happy. She doesn’t have to have a title. She doesn’t have to stick with a certain dream just because you did. The pressure she’s been under probably comes from feeling like she needs to prove something to herself. But it’s also possible she wanted this dream to make you happy. Possibly relieve you of guilt about her staying at home? > > I agree with others that the photography dream seems like it has become as much your dream as hers. And this is why she’s blaming her desire to quit on a learning disorder. > > What I would do is not even bring this up with her for a couple days. Then, when you do talk about what’s next for her, be as light as you can without coming off as belittling or indifferent. Treat her “revelation” as a minor development, not a crisis or problem, and then be supportive as you discuss her future plans. Even if you think she’s being unambitious, don’t try to get her to reconsider photography or some other dream pursuit. She needs an open mind and a low pressure atmosphere. If she’s anything like me, she needs to feel like however she chooses to make money, you’ll be happy, proud, and understanding. Thanks for the advice, **ywtf**. I know your intentions are good. For whatever it may be worth, she provides the ambition in this situation, not me. If anything, I’ve tried to dial it back in the past (though since those times I’ve learned just to let things be for the most part…). Again: I do not push concerning this, she does. But anyway, I’ve said it enough times, if you don’t already believe it there’s no reason for you to believe it just because I repeated it again. It is my dream that she be happy, not that she have a career, or that she be a photographer, or anything else. Literally and only, it is that she is happy. She has told me what her happiness would consist in, and has told me, now, that the thing her happiness would consist in will not happen, and has shared with me her disappointment about this. And so–I’m also unhappy. That’s the story, not the one you and others have created out of whole cloth about a pushy husband and his poor wife looking for any excuse to get out from under the thumb of his unfair ambitions for her. That is nonsense. It has nothing to do with anything whatsoever. I’ve said that for the last time, I think. But anyway, I do know you mean well in your post and I thank you for your kind intentions. ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/112 "2013-06-19T06:02:40Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Am I going on and on about it? We could check. It’s an empirical claim which could actually be answered objectively. How many posts of mine on the topic are _not_ in response to someone apparently interested in discussing the topic? You could count the posts if you like, if you’re interested. > > Well anyway, as I said, I am interested in discussing it with anyone else who’s interested in discussing it. Frylock, you are literal to an astonishing extent. It appears to blind you to nuance, and that has little to do with subcontext; you don’t appear to be grasping CONTEXT at all. At first, I just thought that you were extremely defensive, but after reading this thread in entirety I wonder if you are (willfully?) obtuse. I feel exhausted, and that has little to do with the time and more to do with feeling as if I’m suffering death by figurative paper cuts. ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/113 "2013-06-19T06:06:49Z")
… In other words, I don’t need to do a post count to tell you with a very reasonable degree of certainty that in context of this conversation, you have brought up your objection to Astro (who no longer appears to be engaging you) TOO MANY times. It is very off-putting. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/114 "2013-06-19T06:24:21Z")
> [@Tracijo67](#): > > … In other words, I don’t need to do a post count to tell you with a very reasonable degree of certainty that in context of this conversation, you have brought up your objection to Astro (who no longer appears to be engaging you) TOO MANY times. It is very off-putting. Every time he’s brought up **astro** , it’s been relevant. Every time it’s been in response to someone trying to tell him that **astro** was right. You are the one ignoring context, as most people on this board tend to do when it doesn’t agree with their opinion. You had an emotional reaction to **Frylock** , and then looked for things to back it up. That’s why the literal people on this board have value. They can provide a more rational way of looking at things. You’d know that if you’d lurked longer instead of just jumping in when you don’t know anyone here. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/115 "2013-06-19T06:26:59Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Dude, seriously, let it go. Either that or take it to the Pit, but I think just letting it go would be a much, much better idea. Since you’re a Doper, I’ll make it simpler for you. He’ll let it go when you guys let it go. Stop trying to convince him that **astro** was right, and he’ll have no reason to tell you that he was wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/116 "2013-06-19T06:30:16Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Every time he’s brought up **astro** , it’s been relevant. Every time it’s been in response to someone trying to tell him that **astro** was right. You are the one ignoring context, as most people on this board tend to do when it doesn’t agree with their opinion. You had an emotional reaction to **Frylock** , and then looked for things to back it up. > > That’s why the literal people on this board have value. They can provide a more rational way of looking at things. You’d know that if you’d lurked longer instead of just jumping in when you don’t know anyone here. … Or perhaps the fact that I do not know anyone here, and am unaware of past and present behaviors and/or grudges (and I do not have a dog in this fight) could have the effect of my opinion being more impartial? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/117 "2013-06-19T06:36:27Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > **She needs to know all these numbers and procedures, and she needs to know them by heart, with immediate recall.** > > I find myself curious about this. There are fields where it’s not essential to memorize specs, as they’re readily available in books, but it is essential to understand how to use them. I have no clue how applicable this concept is to her situation. Is there any possibility that she has misinterpreted the importance of memorizing this stuff? Any mentor, teacher, or professional in the field that she could check with to be certain? Same. I’m a chemical engineer and after more than 10 years studying chemistry from grade to graduate school and a 20 year career, there are, uh… five elements whose atomic weights I remember by heart, and that’s without decimals or one tops (C 12, H 1, O 16, N 14, Cl 35.5). For anything else, I have a periodic table. That doesn’t mean I think that she _has_ to pursue a career in photography: she has to do whatever she wants, within her possibilities (my go-to example to show that “you can be whatever you want” doesn’t hold water: as a 5’5" woman, all the practice in the world won’t see me playing in the NBA). And, like me signing up for Photoshop classes when I have no intent to use it professionally, maybe moving photography from “intended career” back to “hobby” will let her enjoy it more than if she felt the obligation to reach some specific level. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/118 "2013-06-19T11:34:27Z")
> [@Tracijo67](#): > > Frylock, you are literal to an astonishing extent. It appears to blind you to nuance, and that has little to do with subcontext; you don’t appear to be grasping CONTEXT at all. At first, I just thought that you were extremely defensive, but after reading this thread in entirety I wonder if you are (willfully?) obtuse. I feel exhausted, and that has little to do with the time and more to do with feeling as if I’m suffering death by figurative paper cuts. Probably confirming your assessment here, I need to say I’m not sure what your post has to do with the post you were responding to. Can you explicate that for me? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/119 "2013-06-19T11:36:27Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Every time he’s brought up **astro** , it’s been relevant. Every time it’s been in response to someone trying to tell him that **astro** was right. You are the one ignoring context, as most people on this board tend to do when it doesn’t agree with their opinion. You had an emotional reaction to **Frylock** , and then looked for things to back it up. > > That’s why the literal people on this board have value. They can provide a more rational way of looking at things. You’d know that if you’d lurked longer instead of just jumping in when you don’t know anyone here. Egg. Damn. Zacktly! I felt like it would be silly and unproductive for me to point this out myself. I am _so_ glad, **BigT** , that you posted this. Seeing someone else say it instead of me should (“should”) have an effect here… ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249/120 "2013-06-19T11:39:05Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > she has to do whatever she wants, within her possibilities (my go-to example to show that “you can be whatever you want” doesn’t hold water: as a 5’5" woman, all the practice in the world won’t see me playing in the NBA). And, like me signing up for Photoshop classes when I have no intent to use it professionally, maybe moving photography from “intended career” back to “hobby” will let her enjoy it more than if she felt the obligation to reach some specific level. Yes, I think this sounds right. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-giving-up-long-boring-bloggy/661249.md?page=7)