# My wife is leaving me for another woman... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2005, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817 "2005-04-30T02:25:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/1 "2005-04-30T02:25:01Z")
– My apologies in advance for what’s going to be a long, emotional post. However, at the moment, writing this seems to be the only thing keeping me the least bit sane, so I ask that you please bear with me. – I had to pay the full $14.95 renewal rate yesterday. I guess that’s the kind of thing that happens when you forget to check your email for a few days because your wife left you for another, also married, woman. I mean, I guess I always knew our marriage was strained from my severe depression, but I never expected anything like this. It’s been three days since she told me, and I’m still reeling. I haven’t eaten and have barely slept. I’ve been sitting here, drinking soda, smoking cigarettes, and slowly going crazy staring at the walls all that time. Periodically, I’ll get up to vomit my soda into the sink. I can barely concentrate - not that anything would feel interesting if I could. The song I couldn’t stop hitting the repeat button on four days ago (“Rainbow Blues” by Jethro Tull) sounds like shit now. So does every other song. Almost overwhelming feelings tell me to quit prolonging the misery and just give up, but I know I can’t do that. I sort of feel like if I went and hanged myself next week, some deity would pop up and show me how my future would have been if I hadn’t done the deed. Naturally, it would involve me becoming happy, satisfied, and successful a few short months later. Then the deity would go “HA-Ha!” like Nelson Muntz and reincarnate me as a dung beetle or something. God, this rotten disease has taken everything from me. I work fast food because my social skills degraded so much that I couldn’t survive a job interview in the IT industry. I lost my friends because I always felt so nervous and awkward around them - eventually my wife was the only person I felt comfortable talking to. I lost interest in everything; things I used to be able to read about for hours ended up feeling like Accounting classes with monotonal teachers. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. She was the only goddamn thing I had left. Now everything is gone. Two marriages are dead. Three children (not ours) are going to go from having a mommy and daddy, to two mommies, in the blink of an eye. We were together nearly eight years, married for six and a half. Apparently what we had was no longer even strong enough to withstand a six-week friendship that blossomed to romance and declarations of love less than two weeks ago. **GODDAMN DEPRESSION!** This still doesn’t seem real. It’s like somebody took an X-Acto knife to my brain’s motherboard, slashing copper traces to keep all these horrible signals from passing through. I wish they made emotional conductive ink pens. Or maybe I don’t. The worst part of the whole situation (a phrase I use to describe nearly every part of the situation) is that I have an aching desire for hugs given by friends with cheap shirts that I can ruin with tears. Unfortunately, the only person I’ve _ever_ (including my grandma) felt comfortable hugging is my wife, and she’s the reason I feel like this. Quite the predicament. To her credit, she’s been (mostly) staying with me, comforting me, and accepting my emotional outbursts with relative grace and understanding. She’s done a lot of crying, herself. Her head hangs, and when she looks up, it’s hard not to see the pain in her eyes. She tells me that she’s been enabling my depression for too long, and that this is the kick in the ass I need to get into therapy (after unsuccessfully trying a laundry list of anti-depressant drugs over the years). I don’t know. The other woman just makes everything so much worse. Perhaps it sounds strange to want to have the person who ripped your heart out and stomped on it around to console you during the hellish aftermath, but I guess it’s one of those things that’s not easy (or possible) to explain completely. She is, by far, the best friend I’ve ever had, and I can understand her position in the matter; I was dragging her down so much that she just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ll probably end up moving back with my family, halfway across the country in Pennsylvania, so these are likely among the last times I’ll ever see her again. I want as many of those times as I can get. This is so fucking hard. God, I’ll miss you, Farrah. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/2 "2005-04-30T02:56:10Z")
No, I quite understand wishing that person was there to console you. After all, who did you count on for so long? It’s hard to learn not to. I’m sorry you’re going through this, **neutron star** , and I’ll give you a virtual hug which might be more comfortable for both of us. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/3 "2005-04-30T03:12:20Z")
Much appreciated. I also like that you didn’t use the corny “{{HUG}}” brackets. 😃 (Feeling ever so slightly better at the moment thanks to Xanax.) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/4 "2005-04-30T04:12:53Z")
Listen carefully. The fact that your wife left you for another woman shows that it is not your fault. Not your depression, not your social skills. Nothing in the world can be more clear. You will cry, you will feel there is no point in going on. Then, at some point in the future, you will remember that you had a real relationship with another person, and you’ll want that to happen again. At that point, you’ll be ready to start over. In the meantime, check with your doctor. Sudden shocks may call for a change in your medication. See a counselor. Find a support group. Take it from someone who’s been through it. Things will get better. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/5 "2005-04-30T04:32:51Z")
So if you think you need help, go get it. What’s stopping you? It may not be useful to blame your wife entirely. Maybe she _did_ leave you because of your depression and who you’ve become. If so, it’s good that you realize you might have a problem. As I see it, you have two options going forward. You can give up, crawl back to your family, and live out the rest of your miserable existence until you disappear into oblivion. Or you can try to change who you are and maybe see if things improve a few years down the road. Whaddya have to lose? You’ve already lost your wife and kids, so you might as well see if you can’t fix what you’ve got left. Shut down or reboot, it’s your choice. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/6 "2005-04-30T04:44:42Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > The fact that your wife left you for another woman shows that it is not your fault. Not your depression, not your social skills. Nothing in the world can be more clear. No, she had threatened to leave me months ago because she couldn’t take the depression. And I knew she was bisexual long before we even got married. Thanks for the thoughts, though. > [@Reply](#): > > So if you think you need help, go get it. What’s stopping you? > > It may not be useful to blame your wife entirely. Maybe she did leave you because of your depression and who you’ve become. If so, it’s good that you realize you might have a problem. I don’t blame my wife entirely. I thought I made that clear in my OP. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I’ll probably end up leaving the state soon, but at least it’s a start. > [@](#): > > As I see it, you have two options going forward. You can give up, crawl back to your family, and live out the rest of your miserable existence until you disappear into oblivion. Or you can try to change who you are and maybe see if things improve a few years down the road. Whaddya have to lose? You’ve already lost your wife and kids, so you might as well see if you can’t fix what you’ve got left. Shut down or reboot, it’s your choice. Actually, going back to my family is probably the best option. My mom knows a lot of doctors who can recommend good therapists. The number of psychiatrists and therapists in this area of Louisiana is abysmal. Oh, and the kids aren’t ours. Like I said, they the children of the other woman and her husband. We don’t have any of our own. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/7 "2005-04-30T04:52:02Z")
My heart goes out to you. I know the pain that break-ups can cause. However, this is a blessing if it drives you into therapy. My experience with anxiety and depression are that drugs are good and talk therapy is good. The best, however, is when you do both. The drugs allow you the ability to think clearly through the sucky parts and the therapist can help give you the tools to deal with you. \ To a healthier, happier you! ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/8 "2005-04-30T04:53:32Z")
> [@neutron star](#): > > I don’t blame my wife entirely. I thought I made that clear in my OP. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I’ll probably end up leaving the state soon, but at least it’s a start. A start is a good thing. I can understand wanting the person who hurt you to console you. Take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/9 "2005-04-30T05:05:35Z")
> [@](#): > > Actually, going back to my family is probably the best option. My mom knows a lot of doctors who can recommend good therapists. The number of psychiatrists and therapists in this area of Louisiana is abysmal. Great. Good luck, then. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/10 "2005-04-30T05:32:43Z")
Well, for what it’s worth, I had an ex leave me for another man. Honestly, I always thought it was better, 'cus you know what - I don’t have a penis, and I can’t compete with that. You don’t have a vagina, you wern’t on an even playing field, this isn’t your fault. That being said, you really ought to get some serious talk therapy. Move back with your family, get some emotional support and hang in there. This too will pass. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/11 "2005-04-30T18:05:38Z")
Thanks for the support, those of you who have responded. Last night was hell. I just woke up and today feels like more of the same. I’m up to about 90 hours without food, but the thought of eating still disgusts me. It’s so goddamn awful to keep staring at these walls hour after hour, but I still can’t pay attention to anything. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/12 "2005-04-30T18:12:49Z")
I wish I could say something to make it better, but there is nothing. The only thing to do is to keep going. It’s going to hurt like hell, but one day you’ll realize that the pain isn’t quite as bad as it was the day before. Eventually, it will fade away into so little you might even begin to wonder why you were ever so low about it. That future may seem bleak to you now - why would you ever want to forget how much your wife meant to you? - but it’s going to come and once it’s there, it will be a blessing. But like I said, these words mean nothing to you now. Just hang in there, and remember that we care about you. Whenever you need to spew your guts out, MPSIMS is right here. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/13 "2005-04-30T18:30:11Z")
You’re right; the words sound pretty hollow in my ears, but I do appreciate the sentiment, **Priceguy**. Also, I had been incredibly hesitant to spill my guts in a post here. I’m not exactly the biggest MPSIMS regular, so I kinda felt like nobody would really care at all, and I’d just make an ass out of myself as usual. Thanks for making me feel more at-ease about posting this. ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/14 "2005-04-30T20:05:47Z")
Sorry to hear that Neutron Star. Let me tell you now… you will be fine in the long run. 5 years ago my ex-wife left me for my ex-best friend. For a while there I had quite a terrible time… to put it mildly. Now, I am married to a wonderful woman (I definitely traded up), and they are no longer together. These days I am more happy than I was sad 5 years ago (I hope that makes sense). So, stay the course, the wheel just keeps turning. Also, not to be flippant… but, I always figured that having your wife leave you for another woman would be preferable to having her leave you for another man. At least when you ask “what do they have that I don’t have?”… the answer is obvious. Best 'o luck!!! ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/15 "2005-04-30T20:08:42Z")
_gives **neutron star** a hug_ ---
**Author:** ![Penchan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Penchan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penchan)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/16 "2005-04-30T20:33:42Z")
_gives **neutron star** a big bear hug and lots of chocolate_ I’m sorry about your loss and I hope that you’ll be able to pull through it. Hopefully you’ll be able to start taking of yourself soon because this is taking its toll on your body and we don’t want you to hurt yourself. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/17 "2005-04-30T20:43:43Z")
> [@neutron star](#): > > I’m not exactly the biggest MPSIMS regular, so I kinda felt like nobody would really care at all, and I’d just make an ass out of myself as usual. I’m not exactly an MPSIMS regular either, but whenever I’ve asked for support here, it’s been there. This community is an amazing resource for you right now. Don’t hesitate to use it. We all care. I promise. ---
**Author:** ![kaiwik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaiwik/32/3978_2.png) [@kaiwik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaiwik)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/18 "2005-04-30T21:30:57Z")
I feel for you. I was the rebound girlfriend for a man who’s wife did the same thing. All I can offer is my long distance support, and that you obviously have a support system here on the message boards. You are not alone. I also suffer with chronic depression. I went through several years of different medications before we found a combination which works for me. (zoloft and xanax) I also went through a lot of talk therapy, and to this day, when the world comes crashing down on me (as it often does) I go back and talk some more. Sometimes we up the dosage of my meds, and when life settles down again, I back down to a lower dose again. Keep telling yourself that this too will pass. Take care of yourself. Grieve, but don’t become reclusive (says the hermit!). There is life after a divorce. I didn’t believe it, but I am now happily married to a man who, while he doesn’t understand the depression, loves me enough to live with it. If you need to talk, I am but an email away. ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/19 "2005-04-30T21:35:00Z")
**neutron star** , if you do decide to eat, don’t try anything heavy. Try some broth or soup, and maybe toast. That should go down, and stay down. Try drinking water instead of soda, caffine is probably helping to dehydrate you. Just sip some water, or Gatorade. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817/20 "2005-04-30T22:20:49Z")
> [@vl\_mungo](#): > > These days I am more happy than I was sad 5 years ago (I hope that makes sense). Crystal clear. If I could get happy to that degree, I’d be bouncing off the walls so much that nobody could stand me. > [@](#): > > Also, not to be flippant… but, I always figured that having your wife leave you for another woman would be preferable to having her leave you for another man. The fact that it’s a woman doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that my wife claims to be in love with her. The emotional connection they share (the one she had with the man who used to be me) hurts more than anything physical. Damn. I just wish this would start feeling even a little bit better, but it only seems to get worse. Every time I start to feel like I can recover from this, things suddenly come crashing down, sending me back to square one. Then the process repeats itself again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And then I check the clock and realize that all that happened in less than an hour. Ugh. Thanks **Kythereia** and **Penchan** for the hugs (I’ll have to save the chocolate for another day), and also to **kaiwik** and **Zabali** for the advice. I really do appreciate all the responses. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-leaving-me-for-another-woman/301817.md?page=2)