# My wife is mad because I was a jerk - in her dream **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 11, 2012, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169 "2012-01-11T15:50:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/21 "2012-01-11T19:09:05Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > My psycho ex-wife pulled that crap on me a couple of times, accompanied by not talking to me for the entire day because of how “mean” I was to her in the dream, and of course, (insert more insanity here). > > You’re going to have to talk to her about this at a time when she’s not angry with you for imagined offenses. > > “Honey, I would really hope that you would realize that it isn’t actually ME in your dreams being a dick and that you wouldn’t be punishing me for something that I didn’t actually do.” > > If it persists, I recommend you both go to some therapy where a professional can advise her how destructive that is. Oh, my wife’s not really psycho and she realizes she’s being irrational. We laugh about it later in the day. > [@tom tildrum](#): > > I hate having to hear about this. Last time she complained about this to me, I responded, “Look, I don’t tell you about all the times where I’ve dreamed that I dumped you!” Problem solved. Funny! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/22 "2012-01-11T19:09:42Z")
I keep picturing Laura Petrie sitting up in her single bed first thing in the morning and exclaiming _“Oh Rob!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/23 "2012-01-11T19:10:12Z")
I’ve woken up mad at my husband because of some dream. Usually I just tell him to leave me alone for a while, I’m still FEELING mad because of the dream, even though intellectually I know he hasn’t done anything wrong in waking life. This time, anyway. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/24 "2012-01-11T19:23:33Z")
Sometimes it does take a little while to shake off the residual feelings of things that happened in dreams, but I don’t think I take it out on my husband when “he’s” done things in dreams of mine. Usually I wake up and realize it was all just dream stupidness and breathe a sigh of relief. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/25 "2012-01-11T19:29:47Z")
> [@robardin](#): > > That’s right. I mean, if you’re not accountable for the actions of dream-you on real-her, who is? SOMEONE clearly is, and it’s just as clearly not her, that would be blaming the victim, yeah? And dream-you is based on real-you. Do you think that real-you should be held accountable for what real-you does? I don’t know the OP and have no idea what he’s like. So this is just hypothetical. But a lot of men give themselves too much credit for housework. They’re constantly congratulating themselves on how much they’re doing while their wives are still quietly doing the majority. ([cite](http://www.soc.washington.edu/users/brines/leewaite.pdf) - PDF warning) Perhaps this situation might be going on here. Husband’s thinking _“I’m a great guy. I always help get the kids ready for school.”_ Meanwhile wife is thinking, _“We both get the kids ready for school. But I’m the one who washes the dishes, does the laundry, mops the floor, takes care of the shopping, and cleans out the litter box. And he expects a medal because he does half the work of getting the kids ready.”_ It may all be subconscious. She might just be aware that she’s a lot busier around the house than her husband is and that feeling provokes a dream about him not doing a household chore. When she wakes up, she realizes rationally that he does get the kids ready and she shouldn’t be irritated over that. But she’s also going to subconsciously still know that she’s doing the majority of housework and she’ll feel irritation over that, even if she can’t pin down why she’s irritated. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/26 "2012-01-11T19:37:06Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I’ve woken up mad at my husband because of some dream. Usually I just tell him to leave me alone for a while, I’m still FEELING mad because of the dream, even though intellectually I know he hasn’t done anything wrong in waking life. This time, anyway. 😉 Same here. I don’t blame him, and I certainly don’t expect him to apologize, but I do let my husband know that I had a dream about X, am still pissed about it, and that it’ll take a while to go away. That adrenaline and mental state don’t just disappear because they’re based on something that isn’t real. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/27 "2012-01-11T19:47:53Z")
I always figure it balances out against the times we’re making out in her dreams and she wants to pick up where we left off. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/28 "2012-01-11T19:55:53Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > Same here. I don’t blame him, and I certainly don’t expect him to apologize, but I do let my husband know that I had a dream about X, am still pissed about it, and that it’ll take a while to go away. That adrenaline and mental state don’t just disappear because they’re based on something that isn’t real. Except that you are unfairly punishing another person for something that happened only in your mind. Instead of nursing your anger, you need to be working on understanding why you dreamt what you did and what it says about what is going on in your own head. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/29 "2012-01-11T20:01:23Z")
Nah. I don’t punish him for it; I just go off by myself for a bit. It’s not like he’s entitled to have me pretend to be cheerful every moment of every day, no matter how I feel. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/30 "2012-01-11T20:40:43Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > The usual explanation is that if she wasn’t irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn’t be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she’s directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she’s feeling over the real world issue, even if she’s not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is. OR she’s dreaming about something that she secretly WANTS him to do. That’s just as valid an explanation. The point is that the only person in the dream is the dreamer. The dreamer uses all other personas present as sock puppets. For most people, apparently, the dream is only under subconscious control. For some, it’s under [conscious control](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucid_dream), too. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/31 "2012-01-11T20:48:36Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Last night my wife dreamt that instead of helping her get the kids ready for me to take them to school, I just went out to the car and listened to the radio. So she was irritated with me all morning, even though (as always) I _did_ help the kids get ready. I even ironed my son’s shirt! > > Anyone else ever get their SO’s cold shoulder for an imagined offense? Can’t recall a specific example, but this has happened before with us as well. I do remember her telling me “But you were _such_ an asshole! Why?” Uh… I’m sorry? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/32 "2012-01-11T20:53:43Z")
To be fair, it has gone the other way though I seem to recall getting over it a bit more quickly. But then again, I would recall that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/33 "2012-01-11T20:58:23Z")
Not always, but almost always they are just parts of ourself represented by what we think of that person. A guy I used to think of as being very irresponsible often appeared in my dreams and I came to understand that he represented the irresponsible aspects of me. My older sister is a serious control freak. When she appears, I know the dream is about my desire to control the situation. Just two examples, but there you go. I know my ex-wife appearing in a dream, as extremely frightening after the fact that it is, clearly represents my desire for a relationship. I would suspect that, barring some other strong emotional association with a spouse, that they would tend to represent that for other people. So if you’re dreaming of your spouse doing something dickish, it probably means either that you’re unhappy with some aspect of that relationship (which may have it’s clues what exactly happened in the dream) or that you’re afraid of what happened in the dream happening in real life and you’re test driving the situation in your dreams. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2012, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/34 "2012-01-11T20:58:32Z")
I made it clear the first time this came up: I’m not responsible for anything I do in her dreams. And she’s not responsible for anything she does in mine. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/35 "2012-01-12T03:35:02Z")
Do I take the prize? I once dreamed I was arguing with my father and when I woke up I continued the argument by yelling at my (ex) husband. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/36 "2012-01-12T03:59:55Z")
I had never heard of this happening until I’d read it on the Dope many, many years ago. So obviously, I’ve never held my husband responsible (or been mad at him) for anything he’s done in my dreams. I’m sorry, but that just seems crazy to me. And trust me, I know from crazy. If I did do that, I just don’t know how I could ever justify it to myself. It just wouldn’t make any sense. How any of you guys put up with it, I’ll never know. ---
**Author:** ![brocks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7feea3/32.png) [@brocks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brocks)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/37 "2012-01-12T04:18:55Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Anyone else ever get their SO’s cold shoulder for an imagined offense? Constantly. And she didn’t have to be asleep to imagine it. She was smoking hot, but divorcing her was the smartest thing I ever did. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/38 "2012-01-12T04:30:56Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > Yes! I even posted it on here. There were many responses 😃 Found [the thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=97497); it even has a link to an [even older thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=92441) on the syndrome. And I think I’ve seen another thread on it somewhere fairly recently… ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/39 "2012-01-12T07:58:46Z")
> [@Candyman74](#): > > Isn’t that a _Friends_ episode? What’s freaky is that that episode is playing _right now_. The one where Phoebe thinks Ross told her he thought she was boring. The Illuminati are real, and they control the matrix! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169/40 "2012-01-12T13:05:54Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Oh, my wife’s not really psycho and she realizes she’s being irrational. We laugh about it later in the day. Yep, but the dream has triggered whatever brain chemistry causes emotions, and the emotions are real - even if the reason isn’t. And it takes a bit for all that chemistry to dissipate. Is there anyone who hasn’t woken up “on the wrong side of the bed?” This is just a more extreme - and directed - version. (Why yes, I’ve done it to my husband, too. And I’ll tell you a good way to keep those anger chemicals bubbling is to tell her she is not being rational.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-is-mad-because-i-was-a-jerk-in-her-dream/609169.md?page=3)