# My wife "jokes" that she has a penis **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 19, 2013, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618 "2013-08-19T05:31:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/21 "2013-08-19T11:17:53Z")
That’s the problem with most commercially available fetishwear. It seems to have been designed to look good in photos, but is not practical or comfortable at all. Especially when you need to clean it. (Tip: do not use Armorall.) ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/22 "2013-08-19T11:29:33Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > No BTW in the past before we had sex I fingered her a few times. lol ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/23 "2013-08-19T11:37:24Z")
You are **married** to someone that “in the past” you “fingered a few times,” who’s genitals you “haven’t checked lately,” is that right? Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/24 "2013-08-19T11:48:18Z")
JohnClay’s posts about his “marriage” used to amuse me, but now he just makes me sad. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/25 "2013-08-19T11:50:55Z")
There are dozens of snappy answers ranging from silly to truly hurtful and cutting, but maybe its a snappy answer that’s getting you into this mess. A lot depends on how she says it. Is it said as a light joke? Is it pantomimed with a playful smile? Is she trying to subtly seduce you into saying, [Crocodile Dundee] “No, that’s not a penis. Now this… _ **Zip** _ This is a Penis…!”[/Crocodile Dundee] Is she saying it as a put upon complaint, the way some ignorant drunken longshoreman might say the C-word? Is this her new witty insult to you because you forgot to take out the trash? Is she just randomly muttering this between drooling? There’s a lot of context missing… > [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > You are **married** to someone that “in the past” you “fingered a few times,” who’s genitals you “haven’t checked lately,” is that right? So you’re saying it could be like The Incredible Shrinking Woman, only in reverse? (…And do jockstraps even come in lady’s sizes?) ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/26 "2013-08-19T12:16:15Z")
Have you seen her birth certificate? Pictures of her as a child? When she says this, do you ever say “So what happened to it?” ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/27 "2013-08-19T12:19:00Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > That’s the problem with most commercially available fetishwear. It seems to have been designed to look good in photos, but is not practical or comfortable at all. Especially when you need to clean it. (Tip: do not use Armorall.) Ok why no Armorall? ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/28 "2013-08-19T12:39:09Z")
> [@Rick](#): > > Ok why no Armorall? Armorall makes everything super slippery, making some actions unsafe. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/29 "2013-08-19T12:42:41Z")
To get back at her you should do a Buffalo Bill tuck and clench and make her think you’re a woman. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/30 "2013-08-19T12:44:28Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > So you’re saying it could be like The Incredible Shrinking Woman, only in reverse? > (…And do jockstraps even come in lady’s sizes?) So you are surmising that he is married to the [50 Foot Woman](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051380/combined), perhaps? Wow she may have a 5 or 6 foot penis. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/31 "2013-08-19T13:21:42Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > No I haven’t checked lately but she didn’t have anything when I used to finger her… not even a largish clit/labia. Maybe she means in a box in the back of her lingerie drawer or something. It could be a pliable rubber imitation. Or maybe a real trophy, or something\*. Maybe she just wants youto ask her to show it to you. \*an example of “or something”: [Bull Penis Canes - Unique Bull Organ Canes](http://www.fashionablecanes.com/Bull_Organ_Penis_Walking_Cane.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/32 "2013-08-19T13:37:20Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > At least twice now my wife has gone on about how she has a penis… I say things like that I thought I married a woman, etc. You should let her do you with it. You might like it. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/33 "2013-08-19T14:15:49Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > You should let her do you with it. You might like it. And that was the edited version of your post. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/34 "2013-08-19T14:41:58Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > You should let her do you with it. You might like it. Then write some hot checks. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/35 "2013-08-19T14:45:14Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > JohnClay’s posts about his “marriage” used to amuse me, but now he just makes me sad. He makes ME SICK! ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/36 "2013-08-19T14:46:20Z")
Maybe…and I’m just spit-balling here - she wants to have sex, and since you haven’t checked in a while, she thought declaring she had a penis would prompt you to check now. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/37 "2013-08-19T15:33:28Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Maybe…and I’m just spit-balling here - she wants to have sex, and since you haven’t checked in a while, she thought declaring she had a penis would prompt you to check now. Love it! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/38 "2013-08-19T15:42:35Z")
Dude, you gotta check regularly to make sure everything’s there as advertised. If something is missing or in addition, you might want to file a ‘materially different’ claim or something. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/39 "2013-08-19T15:49:22Z")
Depending on how comfortable you are with your own sexuality, if she does this around other people you could go into semi-flaming mode and say “Isn’t it wonderful? I was going to come out before I met (name).” Either that or one day you find that special jar hidden in the back of the pantry. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618/40 "2013-08-19T15:49:23Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > No I haven’t checked lately but she didn’t have anything when I used to finger her… not even a largish clit/labia. Are you sure you had your finger in the right hole? A simple smell test may be a clue. Here’s a suggestion… take her pants off… and her underthings… leave the lights on… stick your face in the general proximity of her genitalia… keep your eyes open… poke around a bit, both of you may enjoy it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-jokes-that-she-has-a-penis/666618.md?page=3)