# My wife thinks I'm cheating on her. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2010, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606 "2010-06-02T04:39:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/41 "2010-06-02T14:15:23Z")
When I was in the army my wife and I hadn’t been in our apartment for 3 weeks before the washing machine pump jammed and flooded the laundry area. Apartment boss sent out a repairman who dislodged from the pump a pair of panties that could have doubled as a parachute. Well they weren’t mine or my wife’s so we naturally assumed they belonged to the previous tenant and so the repair wasn’t our responsibility. Apartment boss came back at us with the suggestion that I’d had a sugar mamma over and that they were _her_ pants. Wife looked at me, and then at him, and then bit his head off for projecting on me. Your marriage is in trouble but maybe it’s just hormonal. Sorry you’re having to deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/42 "2010-06-02T14:16:52Z")
Where did the panties come from? Your wife may be a jealous, hormonal bitch, but that doesn’t change the fact that she has a perfectly valid concern here. Panties don’t just materialize in someone’s laundry. So be honest, now - where did they come from? If you don’t know, take your best guess. Details, please. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/43 "2010-06-02T14:18:44Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > I want to hear some details about how the hell another woman’s panties got in your laundry before I’m ready to admit you weren’t cheating. You can’t be serious. What possible reason would he have for starting this thread if he WAS having an affair? ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/44 "2010-06-02T14:21:01Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You have a lousy relationship with your wife, so you plan and execute a pregnancy, while knowing that you’re going to … war Wait, what? You just described damn near every relationship in the entire history of the human species. This is what we do. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/45 "2010-06-02T14:23:24Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > The words you are looking for are “Wow - I really overreacted there, and projected a heap-ton of my baggage onto your situation. That was really uncalled for. I apologize.” Concur. With bells on. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/46 "2010-06-02T14:23:40Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > war > > Wait, what? You just described damn near every relationship in the entire history of the human species. This is what we do. Nonsense. Very few pregnancies are planned and executed. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/47 "2010-06-02T14:31:00Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > You can’t be serious. What possible reason would he have for starting this thread if he WAS having an affair? What possible reason did **Stoid** have for her stubborn insistence that, despite what every lawyer on the Dope told her, SHE was correct? The fact is, some people are not very smart, discreet, or thoughtful. How the hell should I know why he started the thread? That’s what I want to know. You have to admit that his wife’s concerns are not unfounded. She found another woman’s panties in his laundry. This is a perfectly valid Red Flag. So, let’s hear it, **pool**. Where did they come from? ---
**Author:** ![canadiankorean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/2bfe46/32.png) [@canadiankorean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/canadiankorean)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/48 "2010-06-02T14:33:05Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > OK, so here’s my admittedly ignorant take on this. > > 1. It’s very common for people who are feeling an impending abandonment to subconsciously create a reason to make it just hurry up and happen. My Aunt did this and divorced her husband 3 months before a 9 month Navy deployment. 15 years and two marriages/divorces later they are remarried and blissfully happy. I would think that the pregnancy hormones would make it even more likely to happen. > > 2. It is also common for people who have too much to deal with to subconsciously look for ways to simplify their lives, even if it means giving up the part of that life they like best. Your cavalier attitiude toward divorce may not represent your true feeling or values, it may just be a desperate wish to bring things to a manageable level. > > 3. It is incumbent upon you, as the male, to be the voice of calm and reason during hormonal mood swings, especially through a pregnancy. It is harder than you can possibly imagine, and the world literally looks different from one day to the next. She is terrified, and the feelings she’s having are real regardless of whether the cause is. Hold her. Tell her that you love her. Assure her being faithful to her is an honor, not a chore. > > 4. You two must, must, must, develop a relationship with a counselor before you go. She’s going to need emotional support, and the counselor needs a chance to get to know you before you are gone. He/she can’t help her as well if the only information is what’s coming from her. > > 5. Renew your committment to your marriage. You took a vow, now honor it. This is what everybody meant when they said marriage is work. It’s getting tough? so get going. Pay attention to your woman. Step up your efforts to make sure she’ll be supported and comfortable while you’re gone. Show her that her well being is the most important thing int he world to you. > > 6. Acknowledge that your wife is not crazy. She has a real and tangible item in her hand which does point toward yoru having been unfaithful. Validate her hold on reality, and express compassion for her anguish and confusion for the situation. Examine your previous behavior for any other reasons she may have had to doubt you. Are the panties just the crowning proof? > > 7. If deep down you really are ambivalent toward her, and just want out - admit it and take action. She deserves to build a life for herself and this child based upon honest input. Do not let her sit around while you’re deployed waiting for a man who is just going to come home and reject her. > > If any of the above is inaccurate or unhelpful then please disregard it. I’m just making guesses here. +1 I also would like to know where he thinks the panties came from. He must have told his wife something other than.. 'duh.. I don’t know. You are crazy and jealous woman so leave me alone." Also as others have asked, it seems like your wife has been jealous before. What made her like that? Was she always the jealous type? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/49 "2010-06-02T14:34:50Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > What possible reason did **Stoid** have for her stubborn insistence that, despite what every lawyer on the Dope told her, SHE was correct? So you think he had an affair and _forgot_ about it? I see absolutely no reason to not take pool at his word when he said “I have no idea where these panties came from so my vehement protests are not taken very seriously.” Why people on this board feel the need to interrogate and second-guess OPs instead of either dealing with the intended subject of the OP or just moving on to the next thread constantly amazes me. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/50 "2010-06-02T14:42:59Z")
Why on earth would your lover’s panties be in your laundry? God, he must be the worst cheater in the history of the world if that somehow happens. “Oh, just throw 'em in the hamper - my wife will wash them for you.” When my boyfriend used to live in an apartment with shared laundry facilities once we found the world’s most enormous purple thong in his laundry. It was all threadbare and sorry, too. I still make fun of him for it and that was five years ago. ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/51 "2010-06-02T14:43:16Z")
The “evidence panties” are just as much evidence that your wife has a lesbian lover as they are that you have a heterosexual partner. Tell her that if you had found them, you’d have probably had momentary doubts and possibly accused her as well. Her reaction will probably be “but I’d never do that.” Perhaps then you can say “And I’d never cheat on you either.” Then you can hold her while she has a good cry and perhaps move on. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/52 "2010-06-02T14:44:51Z")
Is there any alternate route that the underwear could have made it to your laundry? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/53 "2010-06-02T14:50:09Z")
Divorced guy here, so my advise is probably tainted. I do not handle unfounded accusations well. If my wife accused me of fooling around and I wasn’t, I’d explain that I wasn’t. If that was not enough, then fuck it, I’d start. If I’m going to be accused anyway, I might as well enjoy it. ---
**Author:** ![may\_be\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@may\_be\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/may_be_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/54 "2010-06-02T14:51:26Z")
> [@Gleena](#): > > Yeah, when you’re deployed. Which you aren’t yet. Of course you have to focus on your job when you’re deployed. > > Was an Army wife myself for a decade. Had a kid during that time, with my husband deployed in Iraq Mark I. (Ex now, but not because of that.) Been here and done this. > > Might be acting like a bitch as the kid downstream said, but seriously, she finds underwear (not her own) in the wash, is pregnant, gets upset about it and that’s a bad thing? Awesome. > > He’s not being deployed for a few months, he’s “bored with this” and has a baby on the way…yeah, ok. Sorry, my bad, you’re awesome dude rock on. :rolleyes: > > And be careful over there, regardless of what happens. He’s bored of the accusations that he’s cheating, when (I am assuming based on what he said) he isn’t. It does get really old when you’re trying to defend yourself against something that you shouldn’t even be attacked for. Quite frankly you were acting like a bitch - your post here was a little more civil. And sure, that entitles her to ask questions, but it sounds like this is an ongoing thing. > [@](#): > > The “evidence panties” are just as much evidence that your wife has a lesbian lover as they are that you have a heterosexual partner. Tell her that if you had found them, you’d have probably had momentary doubts and possibly accused her as well. Her reaction will probably be “but I’d never do that.” Perhaps then you can say “And I’d never cheat on you either.” Then you can hold her while she has a good cry and perhaps move on. Haha, nice…but this aint the movies son 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/55 "2010-06-02T14:56:00Z")
I concur with those who are mostly just curious about where the panties could have come from. They are a genuine reason for the wife to be suspicious, not just dismissed as a paranoid crazy bitch. Anecdotes about articles of clothing being accidentally acquired from public laundry facilities are not applicable since (as is my understanding), this was found in the OP’s own personal machine at home. The undies had to come from somewhere. Strange laundry never just turns up in my own dryer. The OP must have _some_ kind of reasonable guess for where it came from. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/56 "2010-06-02T14:57:22Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Divorced guy here, so my advise is probably tainted. I do not handle unfounded accusations well. If my wife accused me of fooling around and I wasn’t, I’d explain that I wasn’t. If that was not enough, then fuck it, I’d start. > > If I’m going to be accused anyway, I might as well enjoy it. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/57 "2010-06-02T14:58:51Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The undies had to come from somewhere. Strange laundry never just turns up in my own dryer. The OP must have _some_ kind of reasonable guess for where it came from. Unless they’re on a cultural exchange with my socks. Do they look foreign? ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/58 "2010-06-02T14:59:13Z")
Sometimes the dog that barks the loudest is the one that crapped the carpet. Maybe wife planted the panties in the laundry just for drama’s sake. Wouldn’t be the first time military wife took the kid, the paycheck, and ran off with boy toy. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/59 "2010-06-02T14:59:24Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/60 "2010-06-02T15:01:07Z")
What **TruCelt** said. I’d just like to add: 1. Your wife is probably scared shitless. She’s pregnant (for the first time?), you are going into harm’s way and she is going have to do everything herself from now on, at least until you come back. Her life is about to get very complicated. 2. The army has services that can help families with these kinds of issues (don’t they?). Find them before you deploy or find an independent marriage counselor so, at least, she has someone to talk to about her issues while you are gone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606.md?page=4)