# My wife thinks I'm cheating on her. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2010, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606 "2010-06-02T04:39:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![canadiankorean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/2bfe46/32.png) [@canadiankorean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/canadiankorean)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/61 "2010-06-02T15:02:08Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Why on earth would your lover’s panties be in your laundry? God, he must be the worst cheater in the history of the world if that somehow happens. “Oh, just throw 'em in the hamper - my wife will wash them for you.” > > When my boyfriend used to live in an apartment with shared laundry facilities once we found the world’s most enormous purple thong in his laundry. It was all threadbare and sorry, too. I still make fun of him for it and that was five years ago. Could be that he was having sex in his own bedroom and his wife came back home unexpectedly. the girl had to dress and rush out quickly forgetting her panties or grabbed another pair cuz she couldn’t find her own. The missing pair found its way into the laundry and voila.. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/62 "2010-06-02T15:03:38Z")
> [@as\_u\_wish](#): > > The “evidence panties” are just as much evidence that your wife has a lesbian lover as they are that you have a heterosexual partner. No they aren’t. She knows if she’s been cheating with a woman or not, and since she’s the one who found thm, it would be asinine for her to call him at work and report the evidence of her own affair to him. This kind of thing is unhelpful, and disingenuous and unnecessarily hostile and does nothing to dissuade her anxiety. She’s not an enemy he needs to defeat, she’s his wife who is undergoing a the stress double-whammy of a pregnancy combined with her husband’s military deployment. If the OP actually cares about his wife and his marriage, then she needs to be addressed with empathy and validation, not insincere one-upsmanship. The best way to alleviate the wife’s anxiety would be to figure out where the hell the underwear came from. ---
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/63 "2010-06-02T15:05:01Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > What possible reason did **Stoid** have for her stubborn insistence that, despite what every lawyer on the Dope told her, SHE was correct? The fact is, some people are not very smart, discreet, or thoughtful. How the hell should I know why he started the thread? That’s what I want to know. > > You have to admit that his wife’s concerns are not unfounded. She found another woman’s panties in his laundry. This is a perfectly valid Red Flag. > > So, let’s hear it, **pool**. Where did they come from? Actually, the OP said the panties were found in “the” laundry, not “his” laundry, suggesting that like a lot of couples, these two combine their laundry. I’d like to try to solve this mystery without the accusation. 1. Has any of the household laundry been done anywhere other than at home? 2. Has any other woman stayed overnight, or done her laundry at your house, or anything that might have involved a change of clothes in the past couple of months? 3. Has any man stayed over in this time? You never know who might like to wear women’s underwear. 4. Is it possible that your wife doesn’t recognize a pair of her panties? If the pregnancy has changed the way underwear fits, she might be wearing panties that she hasn’t seen for a while, or buying new ones that she forgot she bought. Given what you know about her, is this a likely answer? 5. Does your wife go to a healthclub or other place where another woman’s panties might have inadvertently been placed in her bag? 6. Has anyone recently moved the washer/dryer or cleaned around it? It’s a long shot, but maybe the panties have been around a long time and just recently made it into the wash. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/64 "2010-06-02T15:06:16Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > So you think he had an affair and _forgot_ about it? I see absolutely no reason to not take pool at his word when he said “I have no idea where these panties came from so my vehement protests are not taken very seriously.” Why people on this board feel the need to interrogate and second-guess OPs instead of either dealing with the intended subject of the OP or just moving on to the next thread constantly amazes me. As the lawyers say, he opened the door, and it’s a perfectly appropriate question from that standpoint, and from a logical standpoint. I want his speculation. Would he put it past his wife to plant them? Does he send his laundry out to be done? Use a laundromat? Is this his own private machine? If so, what other women use it? Does his wife even have sisters? Is he cheating on his wife, and got busted? That sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/65 "2010-06-02T15:11:53Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > Sometimes the dog that barks the loudest is the one that crapped the carpet. Maybe wife planted the panties in the laundry just for drama’s sake. Wouldn’t be the first time military wife took the kid, the paycheck, and ran off with boy toy. I thought something like this might be the case when I first read the OP. If she really believes you are cheating maybe she planted them as a way of trying to get you to fess up. You didn’t, she still doesn’t believe you and now she is mad at you for lying. Add me to the chorus of those asking for the OP’s opinion of where they came from. I love a good mystery. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/66 "2010-06-02T15:12:57Z")
> [@ajb867](#): > > The obvious answer is the relationship is on the fritz and she intentionally found these panties to see if another woman could be the cause. That’s the obvious answer? Seriously? :dubious: pool, your wife is hormonal. Breathe deeply and give it a couple of weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/67 "2010-06-02T15:13:09Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > As the lawyers say, he opened the door, and it’s a perfectly appropriate question from that standpoint, and from a logical standpoint. I want his speculation. Would he put it past his wife to plant them? Does he send his laundry out to be done? Use a laundromat? Is this his own private machine? If so, what other women use it? Does his wife even have sisters? Is he cheating on his wife, and got busted? That sort of thing. Fair enough. I think the “they’re a plant to elicit a response” is the most interesting angle yet. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/68 "2010-06-02T15:15:38Z")
The “planting” angle is preposterous. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/69 "2010-06-02T15:15:56Z")
I lived through being the accused for seven years. I understand how you’re feeling bored by the whole thing. My ex-husband got suspicious when I was in the BATHROOM too long. I don’t know what he thought I was doing in a locked bathroom, but he had some pretty weird beliefs on masturbation = cheating too. After coming home from the movies an hour late one night (first time in seven years I went out with my best friend) and a horrible screaming match I broke up with him. THEN he went to therapy. I hear his new relationship is a lot better and I hope for their sake he’s learned to cope with his insecurities. That’s what it’s really all about. Unless of course you’ve cheated before. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/70 "2010-06-02T15:18:56Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The “planting” angle is preposterous. No it isn’t. I’ve personally known people who have gone to greater lengths. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/71 "2010-06-02T15:20:31Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The “planting” angle is preposterous. I dunno. Wife has psycho friend. Friend comes to visit, wants to stir things up, places her panties in laundry basket. “Planting” doesn’t mean wife planted them. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/72 "2010-06-02T15:22:27Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > 1. It’s very common for people who are feeling an impending abandonment to subconsciously create a reason to make it just hurry up and happen. My Aunt did this and divorced her husband 3 months before a 9 month Navy deployment. 15 years and two marriages/divorces later they are remarried and blissfully happy. I would think that the pregnancy hormones would make it even more likely to happen. Agreed to the nth power! I heard a radio program on NPR about this a while back, and it’s extremely common. (The only similar experience I’ve had was when a few weeks before I left for college I found I was really angry at my family all the time.) Of course that doesn’t mean you should tell your wife “don’t take your emotions seriously, it’s just hormones”, because that is the last thing anyone, especially a woman, wants to hear, but be patient and understanding if you want to keep your marriage together. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/73 "2010-06-02T15:22:48Z")
the panties… Goood grief. Every few years I or the SO find some odd piece of clothing that we are pretty dam sure isnt ours. And we are both pretty dam sure no cheating has been going on. Sometimes its probably an article of clothing thats been out of circulation for so long we have forgotten it even existed. Sometimes its probably from when we visited somebody (or they visited us) and an informal and unintended clothing exchange occured. Sometimes its probably somebodies clothing we ended up with YEARS ago and have just now found. Have the OP/jealous wife ever visited anyone? Has anyone ever visited them? Housesat for em? Have they housesat for someone else? Vacations? Trips to the beach? Unless they are hermits who never get out and about and also keep their their laundry, washer/dryer, and house locked down like Fort Knox, there are reasonable explainations for this wayward clothing. And then there is the chance the wife or sister or some other crazy woman is trying to stir up shit. And like someone else said, WTF assume the OP is lying? If he is, he will get what he deserves. If he ISNT, he needs some real help here. I’d rather err so that I help someone that needs it and possible be wrong about his innocence rather than assume he is guilty and possibly not help a guy that really does need help. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/74 "2010-06-02T15:24:56Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > the panties… > Goood grief. Every few years I or the SO find some odd piece of clothing that we are pretty dam sure isnt ours. And we are both pretty dam sure no cheating has been going on. Sometimes its probably an article of clothing thats been out of circulation for so long we have forgotten it even existed. Sometimes its probably from when we visited somebody (or they visited us) and an informal and unintended clothing exchange occured. Sometimes its probably somebodies clothing we ended up with YEARS ago and have just now found. > > Have the OP/jealous wife ever visited anyone? Has anyone ever visited them? Housesat for em? Have they housesat for someone else? Vacations? Trips to the beach? > > Unless they are hermits who never get out and about and also keep their their laundry, washer/dryer, and house locked down like Fort Knox, there are reasonable explainations for this wayward clothing. > > And then there is the chance the wife or sister or some other crazy woman is trying to stir up shit. > > And like someone else said, WTF assume the OP is lying? If he is, he will get what he deserves. If he ISNT, he needs some real help here. I’d rather err so that I help someone that needs it and possible be wrong about his innocence rather than assume he is guilty and possibly not help a guy that really does need help. I hate to break it to you, but your wife is cheating on you. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/75 "2010-06-02T15:31:53Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I hate to break it to you, but your wife is cheating on you. And my magic 8 ball says yours is fucking the family dog. Or was that your mother? The 8 ball is bit dusty and hard to read. ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/76 "2010-06-02T15:39:23Z")
I don’t think the panties, by themselves, mean anything. If I found a pair of weird panties in my laundry, I’d probably joke around with my husband about it and then forget it ever happened. I’d do this because I have absolutely no reason to believe that he has ever cheated on me. I trust him, but he meets me halfway by not abusing my trust. If this was the last in a long list of reasons that my suspicions might be piqued, though, it would be a different story. **pool** says that he’s “constantly” being accused of cheating. Are the accusations along the lines of him staying in the bathroom too long or coming home five minutes late from work? Or have there been months of weird hang-up phone calls, late nights out drinking while the pregnant wife is home alone, and maybe a lack of affection since the pregnancy started (not unheard of, even if there’s no cheating going on)? I don’t think enough information has been given to say that the wife is completely out of line or that she has a point and he needs to tighten up his game. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/77 "2010-06-02T15:40:13Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > No, he said that she and he both are from the area he’s stationed in. > > Just because you’re preggers and naturally feel the whole world revolves around you and your hormones doesn’t mean the whole world actually does revolve around you. > > Speaking of hormones, guys have this stuff called testosterone. Makes guys do all sorts of crazy and it’s on all. the. time. Guys deal with it. Sheesh, women get a surge of hormones once a month or when they’re pregnant and suddenly they’re disabled and need 24 hour care. You only get so much patience and understanding before you and your hormones get old. Time to grow up. Grow up? Seriously? I can think of lots of guys that didn’t deal with their surging testosterone in a very grown up manner; Jesse James, Tiger Woods, any number of politicians. It is a medical certainty that hormonal surges can cause behavioral changes. No one is saying the pregnant woman needs 24 hour pampering, just a little extra understanding and patience. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/78 "2010-06-02T15:43:15Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > And my magic 8 ball says yours is fucking the family dog. > > Or was that your mother? The 8 ball is bit dusty and hard to read. I was just playing around. Maybe I hit a sore spot? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/79 "2010-06-02T15:47:58Z")
I agree that a pregnant woman whose husband is about to deploy to a war zone is likely to be emotional. Pool, you said the relationship was great before the pregnanacy. You should try everything possible to keep your marriage together through your deployment and hope that things are better later on. You doesn’t want the relationship with your child that would result from an acrimonious split. Couples therapy now would be a good investment in your future. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606/80 "2010-06-02T15:48:04Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > Speaking of hormones, guys have this stuff called testosterone. Makes guys do all sorts of crazy and it’s on all. the. time. Guys deal with it. Sheesh, women get a surge of hormones once a month or when they’re pregnant and suddenly they’re disabled and need 24 hour care. You only get so much patience and understanding before you and your hormones get old. Time to grow up. Until you’ve been pregnant, you’ve got no legs in this one. I’m bipolar, so I know from crazy… and how I was when I was pregnant? I’m lucky every single one of my friends didn’t beat me to death, honestly. The hormones when you’re pregnant are like nothing else I’ve experienced. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wife-thinks-im-cheating-on-her/541606.md?page=5)