# My wife's going to get me arrested **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2016, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731 "2016-08-13T23:39:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Gladys\_Overnow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Gladys\_Overnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gladys_Overnow)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/21 "2016-08-14T20:18:37Z")
I opened a cabinet once and a (glass) jar of peanut butter fell out right onto my nose. I saw stars and then had a swollen nose and two black eyes. Still amazed nothing was broken but - oh man - did that hurt. I had fun taking off my sunglasses to horrified expressions for a few days. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/22 "2016-08-14T20:42:53Z")
> [@Gladys\_Overnow](#): > > two black eyes. Once I got _two_ black eyes in church! We stood up to sing a hymn, and there was this… well, rather large woman in front of me. When she stood, her dress was caught between her butt cheeks. Being a good Christian, I pulled it out for her… and she turned around and slugged me right in my left eye! ---
**Author:** ![Qwakkeddup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Qwakkeddup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qwakkeddup)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/23 "2016-08-14T21:17:37Z")
Should not have put it back.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/24 "2016-08-14T21:38:31Z")
> [@Qwakkeddup](#): > > Should not have put it back.😃 Kee-_rekt!_😃 ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2016, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/25 "2016-08-15T13:32:33Z")
I am pretty clumsy, and I have terrible night vision. Once, I came very close to falling down a flight of stairs. My ex, who has very quick reflexes, grabbed me by the upper arm and managed to keep me upright, but it required a strong grip and a great deal of exertion, as I outweighed him by about 30 pounds. I had a handprint on my upper arm for a week or so, and had to explain to everyone I knew that it was not an abuse situation. The very same guy, many years later, ended up in the ER with some big facial bruising (can’t remember what actually happened, but it may have been as dumb as running into a door). The doctor looked him in the eye very seriously and said “Do you feel safe at home?” Ex considers it for a minute, then shrugs and says “Yeah, I guess, I mean the neighborhood’s not too bad, and we’ve got good locks on the doors …” At this point his wife, sitting in the corner, bursts out laughing and says “He’s asking if I beat you, dummy.” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2016, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/26 "2016-08-15T14:32:42Z")
Rent the wood chipper out of state, with cash. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2016, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/27 "2016-08-15T15:22:40Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I remember when my ex wife was playing with our son when he was just a baby. She was laying on the bed holding him up above her. Well, he slipped and wound up head butting her on the bridge of her nose, leaving her two black eyes. > > You would not believe some of the suspicious looks I got from her friends and family. My friends knew better, but hers didn’t. Same thing happened to my wife. She went to work the next day, and her firend asked her what happened. She said, “Maus said the dishes weren’t going to wash themselves.” Her friend then asked how I had managed to survive the serious head trauma that would lead me to being so stupid to say something like that. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2016, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/28 "2016-08-15T15:46:16Z")
So, yeah… We didn’t go out for a nice dinner. We had Trader Joe’s French Onion Soup. I’d bought some cold fried chicken Thursday (I think) because I needed a little meat for a dinner salad. I heated that up in the toaster oven for dinner last night. Oh, well. There’s always next year. But I did surprise her with a new shower head. (_BAM!_ Never saw it coming! 😃 ) (\<== Um… Did I say that out loud? :eek: ) I’ve been using low-flow shower heads for 30 years, ever since the big drought in California back then. Even though I’ve lived in Rainland for just short of a dozen years now, I still used the low-flow head. Mrs. L.A. never liked it, and it took her a couple of years to get used to it. So I got [one of these](http://www.homedepot.com/p/Pfister-Universal-WaterSense-5-Spray-5-1-4-in-Showerhead-in-Brushed-Stainless-Steel-015WS-TD2K/204402807?gclid=CO-0_afhw84CFQtqfgodw5gC7w&gclsrc=aw.ds) and installed while she was visiting a patient. I got to use it first, this morning, and I miss the force of the low-flow head. But I have a feeling Mrs. L.A. will like it. I’ll get used to it. I was in town getting the shower head, I stopped by Trader Joe’s. (Sunday’s pancake day, and we were out of syrup.) I picked up an orchid in a cute pot for her. When we were talking about flowers later, she mentioned that Fred Meyer has some _beautiful_ roses. The store on Bakerview. I took that as a hint. I’ll stop in on the way home from Seattle. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2016, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/29 "2016-08-15T15:47:40Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > Same thing happened to my wife. She went to work the next day, and her firend asked her what happened. She said, “Maus said the dishes weren’t going to wash themselves.” Her friend then asked how I had managed to survive the serious head trauma that would lead me to being so stupid to say something like that. Mrs. L.A. had some facial surgery a few years ago that left her face rather bruised. I told her that if her coworkers asked about it, she should deadpan ‘I burnt the toast.’ ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/30 "2016-08-16T16:02:17Z")
> [@GuanoLad](#): > > My mother once “walked into a door”. > > Nobody ever believes that one, so it sucks when it’s true. Heh - I actually did trip - over nothing - and fall against a door frame (resulting in a cut on my face) once. Of course, anyone who knows me at ALL finds this eminently plausible :smack: (and I just realized how utterly appropriate that smiley is!!). The time we jokingly thought the authorities might get involved was the time I was scheduled for dental work. I’m one of Those People - the ones they write articles about, who cannot get numb and thus develops a very severe phobia of dental work. We found a new dentist who did sedation dentistry - an oral sedative, plus nitrous. The downside being, you can’t drive yourself there or back. So one day when Moon Unit was about 8, we were all in the kitchen at breakfast and I mentioned having a dental appointment. My husband asked “Oh??? Do you need me to drive you?”. I said “No, I’ll be sober today”. And my daughter asked “What does ‘sober’ mean?” and I explained. I spent the next few days wondering when the school was going to call and ask just WHY it was so remarkable that “Mommy is sober today” :D. ---
**Author:** ![OldGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3bc359/32.png) [@OldGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldGuy)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/31 "2016-08-17T18:26:14Z")
A few years back I tripped going into a building. My hands were out in front of me to break my fall but my face caught the edge of a revolving door instead. All the doctors wanted to do was test me fro stroke. Only after I volunteered to take them back and show them the stone pedestal that was about an inch higher than the surrounding pavement did they back off. Last fall my wife had cataract surgery. When they were doing the second eye, I had a 90 minutes class to teach in a building about a block away. Even though I left my cell phone number and told them I would respond immediately in an emergency and would definitely be back to pick her up well before she got out of surgery, and I’d sat in the waiting room for the whole operation on her first eye some days before, she said a social worker questioned her for a long time if she felt safe at home. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/32 "2016-08-17T19:46:00Z")
> [@OldGuy](#): > > All the doctors wanted to do was test me fro stroke. Only after I volunteered to take them back and show them the stone pedestal that was about an inch higher than the surrounding pavement did they back off. Did they charge you for that? ---
**Author:** ![Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/half_man_half_wit/32/21766_2.png) [@Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Half_Man_Half_Wit)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/33 "2016-08-18T07:17:43Z")
Last time we had our car in for repairs, we just were in the process of moving. Said process included the disassembling of some old furniture, in the ‘hack it into pieces for disposal’-kind of way. Naturally, my manual dexterity being what it is, I’d cut my hand somewhere along the disassembly process, without noticing at first. Also, we’d been repainting the walls. So, the trunk of our car contained the tarp we’d laid down to protect the floor, and an axe, a saw, and a sledgehammer. All slightly bloodstained. I was really hoping the repair shop wouldn’t find any reason to look into the trunk… ---
**Author:** ![WildBlueYonder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WildBlueYonder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WildBlueYonder)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/34 "2016-08-18T12:31:16Z")
Happy Happy OP I got rid of the evidence or rather I told him to Husband works on a farm, among other things ya have to grease equipment of course He comes home with a tshirt looking like he was cut up in the gut. I wash it and of course it doesnt come out Its hanging in the closet. (Not anymore) I told him to get rid of it, he says its just oil, I said, it looks like blood! If a cop came in, it would be sort of hard to explain especially if you disappear! Course they would figure out it was not blood but…lets get rid of it to make it a bit easier… I thought it was just blood from helping a cow give birth but I guess not or rather a cow was injured…it was fun none the less ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/35 "2016-08-18T13:48:54Z")
> [@WildBlueYonder](#): > > Husband works on a farm, among other things ya have to grease equipment of course 'Hi Hon, want me to “grease your equipment”? 😃 ’ might sound just a wee bit suggestive, so I won’t say it. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/36 "2016-08-18T20:14:24Z")
Happy Anniversary! I feel your pain. My late wife was prone to grand mal seizures, clumsy, had night terrors. She didn’t exactly live a charmed life. ☹ A couple of things in particular I remember - was standing at the top of our basement stairs when she had a seizure. Yep, she proceeded to tumble down the stairs and broke both of her legs. - was having a nightmare one time and while thrashing around managed to swipe her hand through the electrical cord to bedside alarm clock, violently slinging said alarm clock into her face resulting in a cut face and a black eye. There are other things, as well. The point is I was always a little fearful that people thought I beat her or something. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/37 "2016-08-18T22:29:42Z")
> [@Enright3](#): > > - was standing at the top of our basement stairs when she had a seizure. Yep, she proceeded to tumble down the stairs and broke both of her legs. When I had my first grand mal I was on a hike, walking down a steep hill with stone steps cut into the path. My husband turned at just the second I lost consciousness and caught me before I could fall. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of people around for every one of my seizures. When I was eventually diagnosed with epilepsy, I developed a fear that it would happen while I was home alone. I have no warning before I seize and I wake up so disoriented, I was just afraid of what the aftermath would be like. I tried to make myself feel better by googling. Bad idea. Story after story of people waking up in their bathrooms covered in blood and smashing their teeth out from falling on the pavement and let’s just say I’m really careful about what I do when I’m by myself now. I will add your wife’s story to my horror list. I keep wanting to respond to this thread and trying to find a tactful way to provide my input. Even though I am accident prone, I don’t worry about people thinking my husband beats me because he’s 5’7’', 155 pounds and he’s also the most patient, slow-to-anger, mild-mannered fellow most people will ever know. The idea on its face is just absurd. His Dad occasionally ‘‘jokes’’ about me beating my husband, which makes me want to beat his Dad. :mad: (Neither of us has any history of violent behavior, I just feel that’s totally uncalled for.) ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/38 "2016-08-18T23:42:09Z")
> [@Lok](#): > > A couple I worked with had a sone with brittle bone disease. Every time they had to take him in, they got questioned, even though it was on his charts. And even though his father also had it, and wore hearing aids because of the damage to his hearing from the bones in his inner ear getting broken so much. Jodi Picoult has a pretty good book about this - Handle With Care. In one part the family goes on a trip and forgets the letter from the doc that would have made things clearer when they get to the ER. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/39 "2016-08-19T14:12:08Z")
> [@GuanoLad](#): > > My mother once “walked into a door”. > > Nobody ever believes that one, so it sucks when it’s true. Happened to my mom once when my sister and I were in our mid-teens. _We_ didn’t believe her at first. (I think I asked her one last time in 2012, decades after it happened, and she said it was God’s honest truth.) > [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Mrs. L.A. had some facial surgery a few years ago that left her face rather bruised. I told her that if her coworkers asked about it, she should deadpan ‘I burnt the toast.’ My first wife went in for surgery to correct a badly deviated septum, and being a nurse she said she expected to have some serious bruising around her eyes after the fact. (I had never heard the word ‘raccoon’ used in a medical context before.) This was just after the Christmas season, and we joked that if we were together in our apartment building’s elevator with any of our neighbors, that we’d wait until they got off and I would say “You getting me what I want next year, bitch?” just before the doors closed. We were sick like that. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731/40 "2016-08-22T11:44:13Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > …I have no warning before I seize … and let’s just say I’m really careful about what I do when I’m by myself now. I will add your wife’s story to my horror list. … You’re right to be concerned on a lot of fronts. Some years back, a board member passed away due to a seizure-related injury :(. Any chance a seizure-alert dog might be useful? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-wifes-going-to-get-me-arrested/762731.md?page=3)