# Mystery For The Day: A Certified Letter **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 29, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374 "2005-06-29T16:04:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/1 "2005-06-29T16:04:48Z")
There’s one waiting for me at the post office. Which means I have, lessee . . . about four and a half hours to contemplate what it could be. My guess? I’m goin’ to court. The infamous Missing Coworker has filed a federal suit against my former employer for discrimination, and has (acccording to my former boss) listed me as a witness.\* But for the next four hours or so, I’m just going to sit here and pretend there’s some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about. A girl can dream, can’t she? \*She filed a claim with the state last year, and also listed me as a witness, but that time some investigator just called me at work and asked me questions . . . and then the claim was dropped. I was hoping the same would happen this time . . . ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/2 "2005-06-29T16:29:09Z")
Can I vote for the wildly rich relative fantasy? 'Cause that’d be cool. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/3 "2005-06-29T16:31:19Z")
So let us know how much money you inherit… ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/4 "2005-06-29T16:34:04Z")
> [@auntie em](#): > > But for the next four hours or so, I’m just going to sit here and pretend there’s some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about. Just in case that does turn out to be what this letter is about, can I just interject in here that you’ve always been my favorite person in the entire world? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/5 "2005-06-29T16:35:50Z")
**FairyChatMom** has been trying to unload a chandelier for quite some time. It could be a registered letter from her letting you know a chandelier is on the way and to look out for it. Maybe it’s a stalker’s way of letting you know officially he knows where you are. Maybe the dog knocked up a neighbor’s prize purebred cockapoo and it’s a registered letter naming him in a paternity suit. Maybe it’s Tom Cruise sending you a registered letter telling you to knock off the fantasizing about **Skip** and him. Oh, the possibilities are endless! ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/6 "2005-06-29T16:40:18Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Just in case that does turn out to be what this letter is about, can I just interject in here that you’ve always been my favorite person in the entire world? Really . . . ? So if the letter turns out to be Theory #1, you’ll hide me away from the Feds? Or better yet, go to court for me? ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/7 "2005-06-29T16:43:50Z")
> [@auntie em](#): > > My guess? I’m goin’ to court. The infamous Missing Coworker has filed a federal suit against my former employer for discrimination, and has (acccording to my former boss) listed me as a witness. IAAL (not yours), but I’m not admitted in the Land of Oz, so YMMV. Generally, a subpoena to a witness requires personal service. In other words, they show up at your door and hand you the subpoena. So your certified letter is unlikely to be an order to appear in court. Which means, of course, that you have inherited crazy uncle Henry’s loot. Just remember your friends when you’re rich. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/8 "2005-06-29T16:47:14Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > **FairyChatMom** has been trying to unload a chandelier for quite some time. It could be a registered letter from her letting you know a chandelier is on the way and to look out for it. > > Maybe it’s a stalker’s way of letting you know officially he knows where you are. > > Maybe the dog knocked up a neighbor’s prize purebred cockapoo and it’s a registered letter naming him in a paternity suit. > > Maybe it’s Tom Cruise sending you a registered letter telling you to knock off the fantasizing about **Skip** and him. > > Oh, the possibilities are endless! Oooh! With dangly sparkly things? Yes! That would be lovely. Call me old fashioned, but I’m still a fan of the Stalker Phone Call. If that’s the case, I’ll have more than enough $$$ to pay doggie child support, once I’ve alerted the media that one of our three _female_ (and spayed to boot) dogs got another dog pregnant . . . And finally, Tom should know that he is _nowhere_ in my fantasies. (Katie Holmes, on the other hand . . . ) Yes. Yes, they are. More, please! I like this game! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/9 "2005-06-29T16:54:17Z")
> [@Campion](#): > > IAAL (not yours), but I’m not admitted in the Land of Oz, so YMMV. Generally, a subpoena to a witness requires personal service. In other words, they show up at your door and hand you the subpoena. So your certified letter is unlikely to be an order to appear in court. Actually, I figured as much. I guess what I should have said was that I think the letter has something to do with this whole Ex-Coworker mess, but it was so much more dramatic and entertaining to say, “I’m goin’ to court!” 😉 So in what kind of instances would a situation like this involve a certified letter? Would it _ever_, like maybe just to inform me that my services may be needed or something? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/10 "2005-06-29T16:56:21Z")
One bad thing they send a certified letter for is to inform you of very bad medical test results if they don’t make you come in and see somebody directly; I know somebody who got a cancer notice that way. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/11 "2005-06-29T17:04:19Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > One bad thing they send a certified letter for is to inform you of very bad medical test results if they don’t make you come in and see somebody directly; I know somebody who got a cancer notice that way. Yikes. Luckily (I suppose), I haven’t had any medical tests recently . . . Hope your friend is OK . . . ☹ ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/12 "2005-06-29T17:08:33Z")
> [@auntie em](#): > > There’s one waiting for me at the post office. Which means I have, lessee . . . about four and a half hours to contemplate what it could be. It’s from me. Dear **auntie em** ; Please return your rental equipment within the next 14 days or criminal charges could be filed against you. Thank you. > [@auntie em](#): > > But for the next four hours or so, I’m just going to sit here and pretend there’s some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about. Don’t you know? Those come by fax. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/13 "2005-06-29T17:13:14Z")
Well, the diploma for my shiny new BS degree (2nd in a series) came via certified mail just yesterday. You haven’t been taking classes on us. have you? ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/14 "2005-06-29T17:15:22Z")
> [@harmless](#): > > It’s from me. > Dear **auntie em** ; > Please return your rental equipment within the next 14 days or criminal charges could be filed against you. Um, OK, but . . . I’m not sure you want it back now . . . Oh, no, wait, I _bought_ that equipment . . . I rented the chain saw. Oooh, come to think of it, you don’t want _that_ back, either . . . ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/15 "2005-06-29T17:18:43Z")
> [@VunderBob](#): > > Well, the diploma for my shiny new BS degree (2nd in a series) came via certified mail just yesterday. You haven’t been taking classes on us. have you? No kidding–I get a diploma for Pilates? Oh, I guess the other night with **Skip** must have been my Flexibility Final . . . :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/16 "2005-06-29T17:28:10Z")
> [@auntie em](#): > > Oh, no, wait, I _bought_ that equipment . . . I rented the chain saw. Oooh, come to think of it, you don’t want _that_ back, either . . . Yeah, yeah, lady. I’ve heard that tired old story before. Read your contract: R-E-N-T-A-L 😉 Seriously though, that’s what pops into mind any time I hear ‘certified letter’ because we only have to send out about 20 a day demanding our rental stuff be brought back. :rolleyes: This message has been brought to you by Florida Statute 182.155 ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/17 "2005-06-29T17:36:23Z")
Dear **auntie em** , Your husband rocks. Please sign here: * * * ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/18 "2005-06-29T17:37:13Z")
> [@SkipMagic](#): > > Dear **auntie em** , > > Your husband rocks. > > Please sign here: > > * * * Am I allowed to edit first? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/19 "2005-06-29T17:49:15Z")
I think **SkipMagic** should be required to recuse himself from this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374/20 "2005-06-29T17:56:57Z")
> [@auntie em](#): > > So in what kind of instances would a situation like this involve a certified letter? Would it _ever_, like maybe just to inform me that my services may be needed or something? It could be an anti-spoliation letter – it could say, you’re a witness in the case of the Infamous Missing Coworker, so if you have any documents related to your employment with Former Employer (including but not limited to letters, memos, diaries, etc.), don’t destroy them because they could be evidence. If it’s anything else related to the case, I would expect a phone call first to make nice with you so you’ll be a friendly witness. Maybe it’s the tax man. You invest in one of those totally legal, guaranteed to succeed, offshore pyramid schemes? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-for-the-day-a-certified-letter/310374.md?page=2)