# "Mystery surrounds costly spy program" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 9, 2004, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903 "2004-12-09T09:47:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/1 "2004-12-09T09:47:55Z")
From [CNN](http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/12/08/us.spy.program.ap/index.html): > [@](#): > > WASHINGTON (AP) – Congress’ new blueprint for U.S. intelligence spending includes a mysterious and expensive spy program that drew extraordinary criticism from leading Democrats, with one saying the highly classified project is a threat to national security… > > Each senator – and more than two dozen current and former U.S. officials contacted by The Associated Press – declined to further describe or identify the disputed program, citing its classified nature. The article goes on to speculate about the program involving arming U.S. spy satellites, but I wonder what the _real_ story is. I’m leaning towards some kind of cyborg/microchip-implanted genetically-modified mind-controlled Ninja super-assassin program: I mean, I would guess that would cost a lot of money, and the threat to national security is pretty obvious–what do we do when the conditioning fails and the cyborg super-Ninja commandos inevitably turn on their masters? However, I’m open to any other wild, uninformed speculation anyone would care to offer on the subject. I suppose it could also be some plan to control the weather, probably involving some sort of ray-emitting satellites. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/2 "2004-12-09T10:23:59Z")
While I like to have as much transparency as possible in instances of government expenditure, I have to say that a little “mystery” surrounding what we’re spending our spy money on sounds entirely sensible. I mean, we can’t really expect an itemised list: \*$2,834 - dinners and hotel rooms, seduction of Russian government scientists, for the use of - Janice Morgenstern (codename Ivana Humpalot). $345,799.99 - Aston Martin with ejector seats, guided missile systems, lasers, CD player. $0.89 - loaf of bread, ducks, for the nonchalant feeding of while exchanging vital information with mole from Bulgarian embassy\* Still, cyborg ninjas would be kind of cool. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/3 "2004-12-09T10:44:06Z")
I suppose since there are hint about it being destabilizing and impossible to verify, it may very well be a method of protecting our satellites from enemy countermeasures or a means of zapping their satellites. Both technologies are feared as they could be used in the runup to Intergalactic Nuclear War. Each side would want to shoot before the other blinds them. Innocent stuff that causes a basket of problems. ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/4 "2004-12-09T12:32:34Z")
It’s an earthquake machine. Like in _The Core._ The Dems are afraid that it’ll stop the earth’s core from rotating, requiring us to send a heroic and self-sacrificing team of misfits down to the aforementioned core to re-start it. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/5 "2004-12-09T12:45:36Z")
Naw, ninjas are neat, but they can’t be a self aware super intelligent computer designed to manage and coordinate every aspect of our military and civil spheres at home and abroad. I think the real debate is if we should name it Hal, Skynet, or Oh My God We Are So Screwed Beta V0.95 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/6 "2004-12-09T12:54:28Z")
It changes the traffic signals so that it is always red for you. Hey, I read my interoffice memos. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/7 "2004-12-09T12:57:05Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > It changes the traffic signals so that it is always red for you. Oh good. I live in Austin, I shouldn’t notice any change. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/8 "2004-12-09T13:27:13Z")
Most Intel expendatures are military in nature. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/9 "2004-12-09T13:59:01Z")
I have information but I can’t reveal the details. Let me just say that the key is in **Bosda’s** signature. Coincidence? I think not. I’d say more, but then I’d have to, well, you know… ---
**Author:** ![iggy\_popov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f17d59/32.png) [@iggy\_popov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iggy_popov)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/10 "2004-12-09T15:05:38Z")
> [@Salem](#): > > I have information but I can’t reveal the details. Let me just say that the key is in **Bosda’s** signature. Coincidence? I think not. I’d say more, but then I’d have to, well, you know… So it’s a plot to eliminate the bacon stockpile? Or are they just spying on Hunter S. Thompson? Maybe his paranoid ranting meant something. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/11 "2004-12-09T15:16:51Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > Most Intel expendatures are military in nature. So you’re saying that the next-gen Pentium IV will destabilize our country? Given how hot they run, they’ll probably melt the icecaps. Yeah, I can see the problem. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/12 "2004-12-09T15:22:20Z")
This is of course the next-generation soldier enhancement program. Some remember the leak of the prototype soldier back in the '70s from the old Office of Strategic Intelligence. Oscar Goldman got handed his walking papers when the news got out, but personally, I think $6 MM for a super-soldier is a pretty good bargain. As much respect as I have for today’s soldiers, they’re no match for bigfoot. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/13 "2004-12-09T15:30:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Given how hot they run, they’ll probably melt the icecaps. Yeah, I can see the problem. So I’m okay because I run an Athlon XP? What about IBM’s new upcoming Power5/Linux archiecture? ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/14 "2004-12-09T15:31:08Z")
> [@](#): > > Naw, ninjas are neat, but they can’t be a self aware super intelligent computer designed to manage and coordinate every aspect of our military and civil spheres at home and abroad. > > I think the real debate is if we should name it Hal, Skynet, or Oh My God We Are So Screwed Beta V0.95 Actually, it’s already been named Colossus. Guy named Forbin came up with it. Anyway, the article pretty much gives it away. Congress has approved the program several years running, right? It’s that big HAARP array in Alaska being used for weather control, folks. The first couple years went OK, but this year every time they tried to use it, it sent a hurricane across Florida and up the East Coast. No wonder the senators are pissed off. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/15 "2004-12-09T15:37:41Z")
Relax, they’ll have the SkyNet system resolved in no time. Just need to work on the new T series and we won’t have the terrorists to worry about any more. Trust me. ---
**Author:** ![Wilson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@Wilson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wilson)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/16 "2004-12-09T15:41:38Z")
So I guess I’m the only one who immediately thought “Cool! There is a Stargate!”? ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/17 "2004-12-09T15:47:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*$2,834 - dinners and hotel rooms, seduction of Russian government scientists, for the use of - Janice Morgenstern (codename Ivana Humpalot). > > $345,799.99 - Aston Martin with ejector seats, guided missile systems, lasers, CD player. > > $0.89 - loaf of bread, ducks, for the nonchalant feeding of while exchanging vital information with mole from Bulgarian embassy\* Having squandered a massive budget surplus as well as the credibility of the most powerful nation in the world? - _Priceless_ Some things money _can’t_ buy - for everything else, theres politically bulletproof legislation to attach it to. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/18 "2004-12-09T15:48:29Z")
> [@Wilson](#): > > So I guess I’m the only one who immediately thought “Cool! There is a Stargate!”? Yes, yes you are. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/19 "2004-12-09T15:51:27Z")
> [@Salem](#): > > I have information but I can’t reveal the details. Let me just say that the key is in **Bosda’s** signature. Coincidence? I think not. I’d say more, but then I’d have to, well, you know… You mean, it has something to do with Harlow Solid Italic Typefont? ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903/20 "2004-12-09T17:26:57Z")
> [@manhattan](#): > > they’re no match for bigfoot. Or that friggen glowing rotating tunnel Mr. B. Foot might just chase you into. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mystery-surrounds-costly-spy-program/278903.md?page=2)