# Naked man molests shoe salesman with trout **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 15, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420 "2009-01-15T14:09:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Aghris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@Aghris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aghris)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/1 "2009-01-15T14:09:20Z")
I’m sorry, I just had to share this with you. Article is in Dutch, I’m not sure if there is a translation somewhere on the web, and sadly, no pictures. But funny as hell. Best part of the article: > [@](#): > > “Hij droeg geen gebruikelijke outfit, zeker niet voor de tijd van het jaar”, was de logische constatering van Van Dooren, die met een klant bezig was. “Bovendien had hij een rauwe forel in zijn hand waar hij af en toe in hapte. Ik vroeg hem nog of hij het niet koud had, maar dat was niet zo”, zei de verkoper tegen dagblad De Limburger. Translation: “He didn’t wear a usual outfit, especially for this time of year”, was the logical observation of Van Doorn, who was helping a customer at the time. “In addition, he was holding a raw trout in his hand, out of which he occasionally took a bite. I asked him if he wasn’t cold, but he wasn’t”, told the salesman to the reporter. Full story (if you can read Dutch) here: [http://www.nu.nl/opmerkelijk/1899985/naakte-man-met-rauwe-forel-mishandelt-schoenenverkoper.html](http://www.nu.nl/opmerkelijk/1899985/naakte-man-met-rauwe-forel-mishandelt-schoenenverkoper.html) ---
**Author:** ![Aghris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@Aghris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aghris)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/2 "2009-01-15T14:29:26Z")
Since few of you can read Dutch, I assume, I translated the full article for you. **Naked man with trout molests shoe salesman** AMSTERDAM - A shoe salesman from Weert was bitten in his arm this Wednesday, by a naked man with a trout in his hand. Meter controllers were abel to detain him until the police arrived to arrest him. It must have been a bizarre image for Robert van Dooren, sales employee at Bob’s Adventure Store in Weert. A 25 year old inhabitant from the city parked his bike againt the store and came in, only dressed in a cap and a pair of shoes. “He didn’t wear a usual outfit, especially for this time of year”, was the logical observation of Van Doorn, who was helping a customer at the time. “In addition, he was holding a raw trout in his hand, out of which he occasionally took a bite. I asked him if he wasn’t cold, but he wasn’t”, told the salesman to the reporter. The shoe salesman informed two patrolling meter controllers about the visit of the skantly dressed man. “Maybe it was the uniforms, but now the man became irrate and started pulling one of the shelves.” “Together with a controller and a customer we forced him to the ground. With climber’s rope around his neck we managed to subdue him, but he did bite me in my arm until it bled. You can still see the tooth marks.” It turned out the man escaped a psychiatric institution. With a shot a doctor managed to calm the patient. He is now confined to a closed institution of a hospital, he has been charged. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/3 "2009-01-15T14:31:31Z")
The funniest part is “he was holding a raw trout in his hand, out of which he occasionally took a bite.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/4 "2009-01-15T14:36:05Z")
That’s the second time this month! No word on whether the escape mental patient performed a ceremonial fish slapping dance outside the store. By the way, I think the OP is a little inaccurate. A naked man did bite a shoe salesman, but he didn’t use the trout to molest the salesman. The trout was an innocent bystander. ---
**Author:** ![Aghris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@Aghris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aghris)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/5 "2009-01-15T14:37:40Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > By the way, I think the OP is a little inaccurate. A naked man did bite a shoe salesman, but he didn’t use the trout to molest the salesman. The trout was an innocent bystander. Yes, I rectified that in the full translation. Bit sloppy, my apologies, but the situation would have been more comical if he was. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/6 "2009-01-15T14:38:48Z")
I could adjust the thread title if you like, but it’s no big deal. This is, err, _memorable_ either way. ---
**Author:** ![Aghris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@Aghris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aghris)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/7 "2009-01-15T14:47:57Z")
Nah, it’s alright. And how do you mean innocent by the way? If the trout didn’t object, it’s at least an accessory at best, accomplice at worst. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/8 "2009-01-15T14:50:22Z")
> [@](#): > > By the way, I think the OP is a little inaccurate. A naked man did bite a shoe salesman A møøse bit my sister, once. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/9 "2009-01-15T14:53:43Z")
I know it’s early, but this is going to be a front runner for thread title of the year. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/10 "2009-01-15T15:11:13Z")
> [@Aghris](#): > > It turned out the man escaped a psychiatric institution. Somehow, this doesn’t surprise me… ---
**Author:** ![Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prelude_to_Fascination)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/11 "2009-01-15T15:17:56Z")
> [@](#): > > “He didn’t wear a usual outfit, especially for this time of year”, Beautiful understatement! ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/12 "2009-01-15T15:37:32Z")
> [@Aghris](#): > > Nah, it’s alright. And how do you mean innocent by the way? If the trout didn’t object, it’s at least an accessory at best, accomplice at worst. It can’t object, it’s dead! The trout no more. It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet it’s maker! This is a late trout! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If the mental patient wasn’t holding it, it’d be pushing up the daisies! It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! THIS! IS AN EX-TROUT! Unless the raw trout was actually alive. Come to think of it, re-reading your story, it’s not clear to whom the salesman was speaking when he asked ‘are you cold?’ He may have been addressing the trout, not the mental patient. The horror of being eaten alive in a shoe store by a near-nude madman as he molests a shoe clerk! ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/13 "2009-01-15T15:40:16Z")
> [@](#): > > In addition, he was holding a raw trout in his hand, out of which he occasionally took a bite. Gollum? Is that you? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/14 "2009-01-15T15:42:55Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > Gollum? Is that you? Or **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor**. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/15 "2009-01-15T18:22:01Z")
\ > [@](#): > > Laugh’a while you can, monkeyboy!~~ **Lord John Whorfin** , _The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension_ \The Red Lectroids still wuv me. \ ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/16 "2009-01-15T18:25:52Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > I know it’s early, but this is going to be a front runner for thread title of the year. I’ve got a dog in that race! > **[2 College Coachs Fall Out A Hotel Window In Their Undies--'Cause They Were...](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=501822)** > > Both males. http://www.wsmv.com/news/18470615/detail.html Some accounts suggest alcohol may be involved. You betcha. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/17 "2009-01-15T19:59:29Z")
Hmmm, I wonder how hard you’d have to slap someone in the face with a trout to kill him… ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/18 "2009-01-15T20:19:55Z")
> [@garygnu](#): > > Hmmm, I wonder how hard you’d have to slap someone in the face with a trout to kill him… Come here, my child; scientific inquiry awaits… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/19 "2009-01-15T20:25:45Z")
Much thanks to the OP for alerting us all to this story, and for his translation. We could make like Lynne Truss [author of Eats Shoots and Leaves] and parse the living hell out of this story: to whom did the trout belong, and was the trout weaponized; and was it possible the naked man actually molested a shoe, with a [trout?] salesman standing nearby (as witness, presumably?). I think the primary victim in this incident is the trout, who died, after all. Thus the naked man should be tried before a jury composed of the trout’s piscine peers who would decide whether the state’s case sinks or swims. You may think that sounds fishy and that I’m baiting you with a red herring, but I say it’s perfectly fin and proper and that the scales of justice demand nothing less. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420/20 "2009-01-15T20:35:59Z")
Upon review, I also think the store clerk could’ve handled the situation more efficiently: instead of asking whether the man (or his trout) were cold, he should’ve informed the naked man that no foods or beverages were permitted within the store. Then the naked man, embarrassed by his inappropriate trout, would likely have excused himself and left the store (with his proverbial tail between his legs), to be apprehended by the authorities elsewhere, and the store clerk would’ve been spared that bite on his arm. BTW, what do you suppose the medical authorities should be testing these men for first – HIV, salmonella, or rabies? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/naked-man-molests-shoe-salesman-with-trout/481420.md?page=2)