# Name your favorite Doper Smartass! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 17, 2004, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805 "2004-06-17T03:53:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/1 "2004-06-17T03:53:55Z")
Hubby and I were watching tv tonight and Comedy Central has a show on called [“Mouthing off: 51 Greatest Smartasses”](http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/51greatestsmartasses/?_requestid=231874). > [@](#): > > All week long, we’ll track the evolution of the wisecracking rebels of film, television and print, counting down to the #1 Greatest Smartass of All Time! So the thought occurred to me; who is the SDMB’s greatest smartasses? I was thinking this is something of a poll, so IMHO might be the right forum for this; but on the other hand, what better place to find a bunch of smartasses than MPSIMS? 😉 So, Mods, as always, move at your discretion. Hell, play ping pong with it if you want! 😛 This isn’t in any way tended to be mean spirited. Some of us take pride in being a smartass. 😃 It was presented on Comedy Central as an achievement, so let’s try to keep that attitude. So name your favorite Straight Dope Smartass or maybe give us a list of your top five or ten! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/2 "2004-06-17T04:10:56Z")
**Harmless** 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/3 "2004-06-17T04:14:15Z")
Hmmmm…good thread idea, **harmless**! But, I’m not going to answer yet. I can think of a few off the top of my head, but if I’m going to be fair, this is going to take a few hours of paying close attention (and since I’m about to go to bed, it’ll have to wait 'til tomorrow). But don’t worry…I’m sure you’ll make the list. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/4 "2004-06-17T04:14:31Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#): > > **Harmless** > 😛 Awww… :o \<----still porno smilie! :-p Waaaaaaaaaaiiiitaminit. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/5 "2004-06-17T04:17:05Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Hmmmm…good thread idea, **harmless**! But, I’m not going to answer yet. I can think of a few off the top of my head, but if I’m going to be fair, this is going to take a few hours of paying close attention (and since I’m about to go to bed, it’ll have to wait 'til tomorrow). > But don’t worry…I’m sure you’ll make the list. 😉 I believe every single member of the SDMBBP qualifies to be on the list, **Halston**. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/6 "2004-06-17T04:23:53Z")
Wally. 'nuff said. :wally ---
**Author:** ![kittenlm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ce7236/32.png) [@kittenlm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenlm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/7 "2004-06-17T04:38:09Z")
I may be a wee bit partial on this one, but my three are: Harmless (of course! I mean really, how often do you get a serious post out of her??) 😛 Hal Briston (not just cuz he’s my hubby, but he’s also a major smartass) And Eve (well, because she’s Eve!) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/8 "2004-06-17T04:42:51Z")
I try not make smartass remarks, because I don’t want to be called an ass. It gets tiring and just plum annoying after a while. Still, my vote goes for: **Eve** - She’s my role model! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/9 "2004-06-17T04:52:20Z")
**lieu**!!! 😃 He’s the wise-ass Master who waxes wise on all aspects of ass. OMG, that was an odd sentence! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/10 "2004-06-17T04:56:30Z")
> [@SanguineSpider](#): > > **lieu**!!! 😃 > He’s the wise-ass Master who waxes wise on all aspects of ass. > OMG, that was an odd sentence! :eek: That might’ve just got you a nod, **Sanguine**. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/11 "2004-06-17T05:01:18Z")
A nod? This is the hour of the night where I go all dense and shit. I’m _weary_ in my poor lil’ brain so take pity on me, k? I think I was trying to get all Dr. Suess-like… in a warped, nasty way. But honestly, **lieu** ’s DA MAN! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/12 "2004-06-17T05:05:34Z")
**SkipMagic**. If i didn’t dearly love **auntie em** , I’d steal him. He’s the king of the one-liner. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/13 "2004-06-17T05:07:23Z")
Sorry, I know what you mean about weary brains. (taste the best: nice and tender) I was referring specifically to: > [@SanguineSpider](#): > > He’s the wise-ass Master who waxes wise on all aspects of ass. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/14 "2004-06-17T05:14:55Z")
Well, I just posted in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=261981) that **harmless** is the official Smartass. This office, however, may be too important to be left to a single (though truly exceptional) smartass. Therefore I nominate the following members (with, cites, of course) to keep her company: **Eve** : Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. In half the threads I open, I am counting on Eve to come in around line 8 and give the perfect smartass response, such as these two (out of approximately 1 million I had to choose from): 'Yeah. I’m sure an 11-inch penis in a glass jar will help. ’ 'I got almost through episode one and keeled over atop my remote from lack of interest. Did episode two have more high-octane glamour and diva fits, and less drywall construction? ’ or this gem of a thread title: ‘Can’t swing a Cat w/o Hitting a Confederate War Widow’ **Ponder Stibbons** : Just look at the Biography: 'I started out a young wizard who did not get any respect and now all these years later nothing has changed. ’ quotes: 'Any of those bees named “Eric”? ’ 'Don’t take this the wrong way, AndrewT, but you’re evil. Evil I say! He’s a witch! Burn him! Burn him! He turned me into a newt! Ahem. Sorry 'bout that. 🙂 ’ Thread title ‘Dutch…In…Spaaaaaaaace!!!’ **Nocturnal\_Tick** : Of course. He’s BP #1. quotes 'Dang it Eve you’re right. Them war widows are getting real pesky nowadays. You think they’re gone and then there comes another one. Something must be done. I think it’s time to call an exterminator… ’ 'Don’t you see? That is Cecil Adams. Listen you can hear him speaking… Don’t look behind the curtain ’ and this thread starter, which had me wondering if there were sanity issues to deal with here: ‘The board just spoke to me :eek:’ For **Hal Briston** , who almost daily makes me giggle like a girl, clap my hand over my mouth, look around the office, pretend everythings OK and I’m actually _hard at work_, there are no words really. Let’s just say: I followed Hal into a thread in April and got stuck for about six weeks. I haven’t been the same since. quotes 'Now, you did notice the line in the subscription agreement about having to give your soul to the first person who asks, correct? Good. Now gimme. 😉 ’ and Not Sir Blah taught me the secret of ‘white writin’ '"I bless you all, in the name of the Father, :: boing! :: \…the Son, :: boing! :: \ …and the Holy Ghost. :: boing! ::… ’ I could mention at least 5 or 6 more, but I don’t wanna hog the thread. someone else…post…for awhile… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/15 "2004-06-17T05:25:22Z")
I was witty for once, you mean, eh? It came from nowhere… but **lieu** knows ass! ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/16 "2004-06-17T05:27:47Z")
> [@SanguineSpider](#): > > **lieu** knows ass! We got a Sig Line! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/17 "2004-06-17T05:30:19Z")
Ahhhh… Confucious say: _When one speaks truth of ass, one gets sig line._\* \*I had to look up the spelling and I could be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/18 "2004-06-17T05:34:14Z")
> [@SanguineSpider](#): > > Confucious say: _When one speaks truth of ass, one gets sig line._\* > \*I had to look up the spelling and I could be wrong. Naw, I’m pretty sure you spelled _ass_ right. :smack: That’s it. I am going to bed! ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/19 "2004-06-17T05:38:01Z")
Liar, liar! Pants on fi… hey, you’re not wearing pants! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2004, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805/20 "2004-06-17T05:39:34Z")
> [@SanguineSpider](#): > > I had to look up the spelling and I could be wrong. If you bothered to look it up, shouldn’t you have spelled it right? :smack: [sub]Marley, champion ass-staker, staking his claim to the wiseass crown.[/sub] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-favorite-doper-smartass/250805.md?page=2)