# Name your own bad remake! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 1, 2005, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215 "2005-08-01T22:29:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bomzaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Bomzaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bomzaway)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/21 "2005-08-02T17:55:18Z")
I’m a bit surprised that Jackie Chan hasn’t done a remake of _Charlie Chan_. He’s old enough now so he should be able to pull it off. John Cho from _Harold and Kumar go to White Castle_ could play the number one son. If written well, it might actually be good. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/22 "2005-08-02T18:28:05Z")
Pauly Shore _is_ Charlie Kane! How about a remake of Dune, as if we need another one of those? George Kennedy as Duke Leto Atreides Jack Black as Paul Muad’Dib Drew Carey as Baron Harkonnen Marion Ross as the Reverend Mother Paris Hilton as the Shadout Mapes Quentin Tarantino as Dr. Kynes Gary Coleman as the Beast Rabban ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/23 "2005-08-02T18:55:13Z")
> [@Bomzaway](#): > > I’m a bit surprised that Jackie Chan hasn’t done a remake of _Charlie Chan_. He’s old enough now so he should be able to pull it off. John Cho from _Harold and Kumar go to White Castle_ could play the number one son. > > If written well, it might actually be good. I’ve been making a similar argument for some time now; get a couple’a decent young Asian male actors, make Jackie the Dad, give the kids various skills (one’s a martial artist, one’s a geek, one’s a car-moddin’ clubber, etc.), it could make a decent summer action flick. If _Charlie’s Angels_ can do it, why not Jackie? ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/24 "2005-08-02T20:45:10Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > Any remake at all, where the description contains the words “Keanu Reeves as”. Keanu Reeves as…Patton! But it would have to have the same script. I’d love to see Keanu say some of those lines… ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/25 "2005-08-02T21:41:07Z")
What if someone took Lord of The Rings and remade it in a cartoon format … Yuck. OK, seriously. 1932 “Scarface” story of a liquor mogul… 1983 “Scarface” story of a cocaine mogul… 2034 “Scarface” story of a Midwest insurance adjuster turned blood plasma mogul! INTERROGATOR: Hey, kid! Where’d you get that scar? From eating popcorn? SCARFACE: Oh my heck! How would I get a scar like _that_ from popcorn!? ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/26 "2005-08-02T21:43:52Z")
**Gone With the Wind** Hayden Christianson as Rhett Ashlee Simpson as Scarlett Jessica Simpson as Melanie Toby Macguire as Ashley Whoopi Goldberg as Mammy Beyonce as Prissy Dakota Fanning as Bonnie Blue Butler Dolly Parton as Belle Watling ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/27 "2005-08-02T21:48:01Z")
> [@want2know](#): > > I’ve got a better Burton/Depp remake: **The Rocky Horror Picture Show**!With the following cast: [ul] > [li]Pierce Brosnan as Brad[/li][li]Sarah Jessica Parker as Janet[/li][li]Jack Black as Eddie[/li][li]Martin Landau as Dr. Scott[/li][li]Gary Oldman as Riff Raff[/li][li]Angelina Jolie as Magenta[/li][li]Drew Barrymore as Columbia[/li][/ul] The scary thing is: it just might work!! :eek: I doubt that Dr. Frank’s seduction of Brad would not be retained in this version. (But the seduction of Janet would be expanded in length.) As for myself, I dread the day that we the poor, teeming masses are subjected to tv ads promoting the big-budget blockbuster film version of “Elektra-Woman & Dyna-Girl.” Elektra-Woman: Lindsey Lohan Dyna-Girl: Michelle Trachtenberg that guy who was their techhie support / Alfred: Cedric the Entertainer bad guys: Ashton Kutcher, Sam Rockwell, Susan Sarandon It’s not so much that I live in fear of the _possibility_, it’s that I fear this product will _inevitably happen_ given the way Hollywood works nowadays. ---
**Author:** ![lhovis73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecd19e/32.png) [@lhovis73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lhovis73)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/28 "2005-08-02T21:52:00Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > The Greatest Story Ever Told, rewritten as an allegory about the life of Michael Jackson. In a sense, The Greatest Story Ever Told is itself a really, really bad idea for a remake. Max von Sydow as Jesus Charlton Heston as John the Baptist Telly Savalas as Pontius Pilate John Wayne as the centurion at the crucifixion, etc. ---
**Author:** ![lhovis73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecd19e/32.png) [@lhovis73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lhovis73)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/29 "2005-08-02T22:04:10Z")
Oh yeah…my idea for a bad remake would be a movie version of the 80s show **Auto Man** …starring Russell Crowe as the hero, Paul Giamatti as his wimpy, neurotic sidekick, and directed by Spielberg, to make it the kick-ass CGI spectacle of all time… (This is the best idea I’m likely to have this week…what a movie this would be!) ---
**Author:** ![pasunejen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58956e/32.png) [@pasunejen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pasunejen)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2005, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/30 "2005-08-02T23:28:55Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > What if someone took Lord of The Rings and remade it in a cartoon format … Yuck. Already [done](http://imdb.com/title/tt0077869/) . Very, very badly. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/31 "2005-08-03T00:00:08Z")
> [@saoirse](#): > > _Stop the Pigeon_ > > Starring Jeremy Irons as Dick Dastardly and Emilio Estevez as Muttley If Rene Auberjunois (Odo from Deep Space Nine) played Yankee Doodle, I’d watch it. “Monty Python and The Holy Grail” Multi-million dollar special effects spectacular starring Steve Martin, Eddie Murphie, Owen Wilson and whatever other famous comedians that might be hanging around. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/32 "2005-08-03T04:47:59Z")
**Flowers for Algernon II - Smarter for a While!** With Pauly Shore as Charly. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/33 "2005-08-03T04:55:10Z")
**Schindler’s List–The Musical** ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/34 "2005-08-03T04:55:28Z")
_The Bedford Incident_ Starring Colin Farrell, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson (as Captain Finlander), and James Hong. Doesn’t have so much of the “cold tension of nuclear brinksmanship,” but it does have a conspiracy and a helicopter fight. Budget is $80 million. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/35 "2005-08-03T05:09:11Z")
_M_ was already remade once (in 1951 – it was almost immediately withdrawn, and its director put on the blacklist). I say we give it another go, perhaps updating it with cyberspace allusions. My casting: M – Philip Seymour Hoffman Inspector – James Earl Jones Mob Boss – Joe Mantegna Balloon Vendor – George Carlin To direct, David Mamet comes immediately to mind. Perhaps Tim Burton could give it an eerie _mise-en-scene_, or Jim Jarmusch could render it all in grisly black and white, with black humor. I thought about the Coen Bros., but crime is too banal to them; they’d ruin a vehicle like _M_. ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/36 "2005-08-03T13:54:37Z")
_Green Acres: The Motion Picture_. For youth appeal, we’ll cast Freddie Prinze Jr and Paris Hilton as the leads. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/37 "2005-08-03T14:20:01Z")
Fiddler on the Roof, starring Cedric the Entertainer as Tevis, who is a beer delivery man. He lives in the ghetto and has five daughters who are coming of age – maybe one marries a white guy against his wishes, one falls in with a gangsta, and so on. I actually wrote about 30 pages of this script a couple years back. The Magnificent Seven, set in a post-apocalyptic near future, either with robots, vampires, aliens, or all of the above. The casting for the seven unlikely heroes would be the greatest of all time: Bruce Campbell, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken, Steve Buscemi, Peter Weller, Jason Statham, and Zach Braff. Again, this is an idea I’ve been working on for a while. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/38 "2005-08-03T16:25:01Z")
> [@saoirse](#): > > _Stop the Pigeon_ > > Starring Jeremy Irons as Dick Dastardly and Emilio Estevez as Muttley Add Scarlett Johansen (Penelope Pitstop) and Stephen Wright (Professor Pat Pending) and you could have The Wacky Races. There were other characters, but I can’t remember them. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/39 "2005-08-03T16:42:53Z")
A friend of mine once told me that she would love to direct a re-make of Mortal Combat. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/name-your-own-bad-remake/315215/40 "2005-08-03T18:13:51Z")
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