# Nearly Useless Superheroes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 9, 2007, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058 "2007-08-09T19:12:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/21 "2007-08-10T03:53:27Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Bone-lass, whose bones have permanently attained the consistebcy of rubber cement. [/QUOTE] Profitable niche porn career. Sergeant Rock: The veteran NCO who can turn himself into a rock! For up to 24 hours! **With his mind!** During that period he is unconscious, immobile, and defenseless against any superbaddy with a cold chisel. Still has the scars from the time the Joker sold him to a tombstone carver. ---
**Author:** ![Arien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arien)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/22 "2007-08-10T04:26:38Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] Sergeant Rock: The veteran NCO who can turn himself into a rock! For up to 24 hours! **With his mind!** During that period he is unconscious, immobile, and defenseless against any superbaddy with a cold chisel. Still has the scars from the time the Joker sold him to a tombstone carver. [/QUOTE] He can place himself precariously at the edge of a building or the top of a hill then use his power to crush any unsuspecting enemies unfortunate enough to be at the bottom. Palindrome: Every sentence he speaks is the same forwards and backwards! ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/23 "2007-08-10T08:52:53Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] For up to 24 hours! **With his mind!** During that period he is unconscious, immobile, and defenseless against any superbaddy with a cold chisel. [/QUOTE] There was a guy like that in the Legion of Substitute Heros; I recall the long debate about how to dis-embed his head from the pavement he’d fallen onto from a skyscraper without snapping his head off. “I could melt the pavement ?” “He turns into **stone** , not **asbestos**. Keep thinking.” [QUOTE=Arien] Palindrome: Every sentence he speaks is the same forwards and backwards! [/QUOTE] By talking about everything he can think of he baffles the more intellectual villains as they try to untangle the wordplay, long enough for him to get the drop on them. The Bestialist : Has the power to induce strong sexual desire in animals, towards himself. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/24 "2007-08-10T09:10:29Z")
The Bestialist routinely finds himself surrounded by bad guys, and turns his power on to cause the forces of the ungodly to be trampled underfoot by hordes of horny animals, all of which are single-mindedly intent on removing all obstructions between themselves and the object of desire, and are as amenable to reason as stags in rutting season. Earthwalking Man: Has the power to walk on solid earth as if it were solid earth. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/25 "2007-08-10T10:03:05Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] There was a guy like that in the Legion of Substitute Heros; I recall the long debate about how to dis-embed his head from the pavement he’d fallen onto from a skyscraper without snapping his head off. “I could melt the pavement ?” “He turns into **stone** , not **asbestos**. Keep thinking.” [/QUOTE] Stone Boy. It was Chlorophyll Kid and Fire Lad having that conversation. He actually made the power useful a couple times. Like by dropping off buildings onto the villains. He made it VERY useful on the Legion cartoon. (At one point with the help of Color Kid, who’s got the single most useless power of any published hero I’ve seen.) ---
**Author:** ![xnylder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbce88/32.png) [@xnylder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xnylder)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/26 "2007-08-10T18:21:24Z")
[QUOTE=Malacandra] Earthwalking Man: Has the power to walk on solid earth as if it were solid earth. [/QUOTE] After discovering his powers during a California earthquake, Jimmy Topsoil leaves his day job as a construction site surveyor to defeat that nefarious villain, Mudslide Man! Meanwhile, Judy Sunshine discovers she has the ability to turn anything she touches yellow. And no, Green Lantern doesn’t exist in her universe. ---
**Author:** ![oft\_wears\_hats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@oft\_wears\_hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oft_wears_hats)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/27 "2007-08-10T18:45:15Z")
[QUOTE=xnylder] After discovering his powers during a California earthquake, Jimmy Topsoil leaves his day job as a construction site surveyor to defeat that nefarious villain, Mudslide Man! Meanwhile, Judy Sunshine discovers she has the ability to turn anything she touches yellow. And no, Green Lantern doesn’t exist in her universe. [/QUOTE] Blinds super villains by turning the inside of their eyelids to ultra-bright yellow. Urinatorr - Has the ability to make other people wet themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/28 "2007-08-10T18:51:43Z")
[QUOTE=oft wears hats] Blinds super villains by turning the inside of their eyelids to ultra-bright yellow. Urinatorr - Has the ability to make other people wet themselves. [/QUOTE] He uses the power to defend nerds who are being tormented by schoolyard bullies. Makes the bullies wet themselves. Super Google Girl–Instantly knows the Internet address of everything and anything that is on-line. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/29 "2007-08-10T19:17:45Z")
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas] He uses the power to defend nerds who are being tormented by schoolyard bullies. Makes the bullies wet themselves. Super Google Girl–Instantly knows the Internet address of everything and anything that is on-line. [/QUOTE] Can recognize villains by their IPs and find them accordingly, instantly reporting them to every major law enforcement agencies website. The Marquis de Lapin- a former French nobleman warlock turned modern superhero, he can instantly trade places with any of his warren of Netherland dwarf rabbits. ---
**Author:** ![Panurge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/fbc32d/32.png) [@Panurge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Panurge)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/30 "2007-08-10T19:27:58Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] The Marquis de Lapin- a former French nobleman warlock turned modern superhero, he can instantly trade places with any of his warren of Netherland dwarf rabbits. [/QUOTE] He sets the rabbits free, they breed and spread all over the globe, making him practically omnipresent. The Compass - he always _always_ knows which way is north. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/31 "2007-08-10T19:33:12Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] Sergeant Rock: The veteran NCO who can turn himself into a rock! For up to 24 hours! **With his mind!** [/QUOTE] That’s autopetrification, Kyle. ---
**Author:** ![netsplit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecc23a/32.png) [@netsplit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/netsplit)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/32 "2007-08-10T19:46:25Z")
[QUOTE=Panurge] The Compass - he always _always_ knows which way is north. [/QUOTE] Some birds have that power. So while eating fried chicken he gets the super villians horribly lost in the mass back roads. tubgirl girl, a hero who can magically change into a picture of tubgirl ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/33 "2007-08-10T20:13:57Z")
She would momentarily nauseate the priggish supervillians with their faux-British accents. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/34 "2007-08-10T20:20:46Z")
BlandMan - He’s so completely nondescript that he’s invisible. ---
**Author:** ![AtomicDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@AtomicDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AtomicDog)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/35 "2007-08-11T16:08:25Z")
[QUOTE=plnnr] BlandMan - He’s so completely nondescript that he’s invisible. [/QUOTE] Great for espionage - no one can ever remember that they’ve seen him. Contact High - Has the ability to stimulate the pleasure center of the brain of anyone they touch. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/36 "2007-08-11T20:35:17Z")
[QUOTE=AtomicDog] Contact High - Has the ability to stimulate the pleasure center of the brain of anyone they touch. [/QUOTE] Joins a villain’s or tyrant’s minions and by brushing against them makes them like him by Pavlovian conditioning, then leads an uprising. That’s a pretty nasty power actually; it would be better for a villain. Gamesman : Has the power to beat any videogame. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/37 "2007-08-11T22:44:24Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Joins a villain’s or tyrant’s minions and by brushing against them makes them like him by Pavlovian conditioning, then leads an uprising. That’s a pretty nasty power actually; it would be better for a villain. [/QUOTE] Marvel’s Starfox has (or had, I guess, from his Wikipedia entry) that power and was accused of sexual assault for using it on women to seduce them. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2007, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/38 "2007-08-12T00:18:15Z")
No polar bear man. Wherever he is, within eyeshot or hearing range of him, there are no polar bears. His secret weakness: he cannot travel with 1000 miles of the North Pole. ---
**Author:** ![Omi\_no\_Kami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Omi\_no\_Kami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omi_no_Kami)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2007, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/39 "2007-08-12T00:31:46Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] No polar bear man. Wherever he is, within eyeshot or hearing range of him, there are no polar bears. His secret weakness: he cannot travel with 1000 miles of the North Pole. [/QUOTE] Easy; polar bears are an ever-present staple for bad villain traps, so No polar bear man’s fellow superheroes take him along for safety’s sake. Short-Term Memory Loss Man: A powerful psychic, STML man developed a neurological condition that makes it impossible for him to remember anything for more than ten seconds. He now involuntarily inflicts this condition on everyone within a fifty meter radius. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2007, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058/40 "2007-08-12T04:07:20Z")
El Autobus - Can issue free transfers for any bus system in the world. Also, I’ve always wanted to name a superhero “El Autobus”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nearly-useless-superheroes/415058.md?page=3)