# Need a little help, FAST. what should I tell this woman? \[updated title: ill husband has passed\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 29, 2020, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781 "2020-04-29T01:40:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/1 "2020-04-29T01:40:21Z")
a friend of mine, she says her husband is ill. He is an alcoholic. He has stopped eating, stays upstairs in his room all day long except for an hour or two. Can hardly breathe. Has all kinds of things wrong. Has stopped doing anything. He can’t even walk out to get the mail. He will not see a doctor, he says if he goes to a doctor they will take him away and he will never see wife or daughter (who lives elsewhere again). What should she do? I know you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want, but she is a wreck, she says its like the living dead upstairs. There are no friends or relatives, they are in their 60’s. this is killing her. (he retired. he is on the spectrum. he had hobbies and interests the first couple years, all gone now. No friends, no interest in anything! Drinks like a fish. Happy, not sad or abusive, he says he is following in his fathers footsteps. ). What should she do? Call his dr. (who just says, well bring him in). Call an ambulance? have him declared a danger? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/2 "2020-04-29T01:43:03Z")
This is a terrible situation. Were I in that situation, I’d call an ambulance. Of course, if he is still strong enough, he could refuse care. In that case, I think your friend has to do what she can to protect herself and her daughter and everyone else. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/3 "2020-04-29T01:53:00Z")
She should call his Dr and ask about getting him cited as danger to himself. It might not be what she actually wants, but it will convey the direness of her situation. She needs to be very honest about her fear and worsening ability to cope. She should beg him to help her and then see what resources he can access or direct her to. The Dr may hospitalize the hubby possibly? Just to get her a break while they work out what needs to happen. Wishing you all Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![am77494](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d2c977/32.png) [@am77494](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/am77494)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/4 "2020-04-29T01:57:40Z")
Is there anyone in his extended friends / family that he may listen to ? A former work colleague, perhaps ? Inviting this person to the house may change the dynamic and help him see the real situation. I am really sorry for the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/5 "2020-04-29T02:00:54Z")
> [@am77494](#): > > Is there anyone in his extended friends / family that he may listen to ? A former work colleague, perhaps ? > > Inviting this person to the house may change the dynamic and help him see the real situation. > > I am really sorry for the situation. I don’t think it’s responsible to be exposing anyone else to possible infection. The only people involved should be professionals. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/6 "2020-04-29T02:31:40Z")
Depending on the location, the law may allow a person to be involuntarily detained for a few days for a psychiatric evaluation if they are deemed a threat to themselves or others. This would only apply, though, if he is suicidal (which it sort of sounds like the case). Of course, getting the government involved is sort of a “nuclear option”, in that it may initiate required conditions that he may resent. In Florida, it’s called being “baker acted” Cite: [Baker Act - Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida_Mental_Health_Act) ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/7 "2020-04-29T02:34:09Z")
My uncle was in a similar situation 2 years ago. His son (an EMT) had called an ambulance for him once but he refused to go. The second time he called the ambulance the EMTs that came (cousin’s friends) convinced him to go. Those people are pretty darn good at their jobs and, from what I know, are completely non-judgemental. An ambulance will take him but he does have to agree to go. It does take a professional to diagnose someone, but if he’s not listening to his wife then someone else will need to be called in to convince him to go in the ambulance. Sad to say but my uncle didn’t really come back after that. He ended up being diagnosed with [Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wernicke-Korsakoff_syndrome), an alcohol-related disease, and was in an assisted living facility for a year or so until he was diagnosed with cancer (I forget which type of cancer. Lung maybe?) A year after that, which was a year ago last week, he passed away. He did see his wife and kids and grandkids while in the facility of course, and passed away as peaceful as possible. Much more peaceful than when he was holed up and miserable in the house. My aunt and cousins had such a hard time with all of this but getting him into the facility gave them peace of mind, and they had time to spend time with sober-but-demented dad, and he got the best care possible. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/8 "2020-04-29T02:45:44Z")
Moved to IMHO, and title edited to clarify subject. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![UDS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecae2f/32.png) [@UDS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UDS)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/9 "2020-04-29T06:21:23Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I don’t think it’s responsible to be exposing anyone else to possible infection. The only people involved should be professionals. There is no suggestion in the OP that that husband is infectious. Even in the current pandemic, he is less likely than most to be infectious, since he seems to have been practising aggressive social isolation for some time. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/10 "2020-04-29T11:05:10Z")
> [@UDS](#): > > There is no suggestion in the OP that that husband is infectious. Even in the current pandemic, he is less likely than most to be infectious, since he seems to have been practising aggressive social isolation for some time. This makes no sense. She’s worried in part because he is displaying symptoms of the virus that is the cause of all this. How can you say that he is unlikely to be infectious? ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/11 "2020-04-29T11:55:54Z")
The common term “Rotting with rights intact” refers to people who are too lucid to have their choices overridden by a court and yet who repeatedly, insistently make decisions that are counter to their own self interest, sometimes to the point of death. This is a fairly grey area in the law and in mental health that, very often, comes down to a judgment - an opinion - rather than a policy, regulation, or law. There’s a great film (with an unfortunate title) about one such person. See this webpage - [Here](https://www.pbs.org/wnet/god-knows-where-i-am/video/god-knows-where-i-am/) ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/12 "2020-04-29T13:27:13Z")
If he’s shut in, who’s buying the booze? Is her concern more because of possible Covid, or the fact that he’s drinking himself to death? StG ---
**Author:** ![am77494](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d2c977/32.png) [@am77494](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/am77494)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/13 "2020-04-29T13:40:34Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I don’t think it’s responsible to be exposing anyone else to possible infection. The only people involved should be professionals. Agree Acsenray. However, I got the impression that the primary illness was alcoholism/depression. But all the same, what you say is correct. Maybe the relative/friend can be on the phone or FaceTime ? In my experience, a third party in situations like this is very helpful. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/14 "2020-04-29T14:03:56Z")
Man, I feel bad for the guy. He has made a decision and everyone is trying to countermand it. Sure, his loved ones feel bad, but have they stopped to consider that maybe the guys decision is the right one\* for him\*? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/15 "2020-04-29T14:23:02Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Man, I feel bad for the guy. He has made a decision and everyone is trying to countermand it. Sure, his loved ones feel bad, but have they stopped to consider that maybe the guys decision is the right one\* for him\*? I usually agree with you on most everything. But is letting someone drink himself to death in front of you ever the right decision? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/16 "2020-04-29T14:30:28Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I usually agree with you on most everything. But is letting someone drink himself to death in front of you ever the right decision? Depends on the person, but yeah, it could be. Ever see the movie _Leaving Las Vegas_? Ben Sanderson drank himself to death and _for him_ it was the right decision. If I had a terminal illness, I very well might try heroin. I think heroin use is usually a poor life choice, but there might be a time when it’s the right choice _for me_. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/17 "2020-04-29T14:45:55Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Depends on the person, but yeah, it could be. Ever see the movie _Leaving Las Vegas_? Ben Sanderson drank himself to death and _for him_ it was the right decision. > > If I had a terminal illness, I very well might try heroin. I think heroin use is usually a poor life choice, but there might be a time when it’s the right choice _for me_. Actually your post reminded me of Leaving Las Vegas. I think in the OPs case though the guy is actively harming his wife as well. Totally agree on the terminal illness thing. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/18 "2020-04-29T14:51:51Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Actually your post reminded me of Leaving Las Vegas. I think in the OPs case though the guy is actively harming his wife as well. Totally agree on the terminal illness thing. Yeah, the guy should discuss with his wife _why_ he has made the decision he has made. He may know things about his health that we/the OP are not privy to. This is kind of a touchy point with me. At the beginning of the whole corona virus thing, I made sure my Advanced Directives were in order and that my gf had a copy. I told her that in the event of corona, I’d not go to a hospital, because I would not want to be intubated and I wasn’t certain my wishes would be followed. She is not 100% cool with my decision, but would never go against it. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/19 "2020-04-29T14:54:06Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Yeah, the guy should discuss with his wife _why_ he has made the decision he has made. He may know things about his health that we/the OP are not privy to. > > This is kind of a touchy point with me. At the beginning of the whole corona virus thing, I made sure my Advanced Directives were in order and that my gf had a copy. I told her that in the event of corona, I’d not go to a hospital, because I would not want to be intubated and I wasn’t certain my wishes would be followed. She is not 100% cool with my decision, but would never go against it. You wouldn’t go even though your odds of surviving are good, even with intubation? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2020, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781/20 "2020-04-29T14:59:35Z")
I think some people might be missing something here: > [@](#): > > He has stopped eating, stays upstairs in his room all day long except for an hour or two. Can hardly breathe. Has all kinds of things wrong. Has stopped doing anything. He can’t even walk out to get the mail. Inability to make decisions, lack of desire to do things, difficulty breathing, lack of appetite, general mental and motivational decline … these might be symptoms for a lot of things (depression, alcoholism, suicidalness), but they are also symptoms of Coronavirus, especially in elderly people. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-a-little-help-fast-what-should-i-tell-this-woman-updated-title-ill-husband-has-passed/852781.md?page=2)