# Need Advice: How Not to Fall for Someone **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 27, 2010, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170 "2010-09-27T01:53:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/21 "2010-09-27T03:08:25Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I don’t believe she implied that it does. If anyone keeps insisting their way is superior, it would appear to be you. Yeah 'kay. Thanks for your input, it’s as friendly as always. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/22 "2010-09-27T03:14:16Z")
I’m not going for friendly, I’m going for fair and reasonable. What are you going for? Because if it’s not smugly superior, you’re failing. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/23 "2010-09-27T03:14:22Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > [@elbows](#): > > > > If you want to do her a real favour, make her acknowledge that she is not emotionally mature enough for a ‘friends with benefits relationship’, empirical evidence being right before her eyes. > > What? I know plenty of mature and self-aware people that aren’t into fwb situations. Why does not being able to spread your legs to someone you don’t have feelings for make a woman “less than”, in your opinion? It’s funny how a square has to be a rectangle to be a square but a rectangle doesn’t have to be a square to be a rectangle. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/24 "2010-09-27T03:17:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by elbows View Post > If you want to do her a real favour, make her acknowledge that she is not emotionally mature enough for a ‘friends with benefits relationship’, empirical evidence being right before her eyes. > > What? I know plenty of mature and self-aware people that aren’t into fwb situations. Why does not being able to spread your legs to someone you don’t have feelings for make a woman “less than”, in your opinion? What are you on about? I never said, nor implied, what you’ve stated here. I spoke singularly to the point that this ‘friend’ pretty clearly doesn’t have what it takes to separate sex from emotion. I was not implying this made her ‘less than’ in anyway, only that she should learn from her mistake and not enter into what, for her, isn’t working out so well, again. Nice chip on the shoulder though! Keep up the good fight! Fuck whoever you like, no one’s stopping you, bully for you! But we aren’t talking about you we’re talking about Sven’s ‘friend’. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/25 "2010-09-27T03:18:16Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I’m not going for friendly, I’m going for fair and reasonable. What are you going for? Because if it’s not smugly superior, you’re failing. It seems to me like you’re always looking to pick a fight, especially with another woman. Did you miss the part where I said “viva la difference”? I don’t care who does what with whom- but developing feelings for people you’re having sex with is not something to be ashamed of, and doesn’t make one immature or not self-aware. In fact, studies do show that a lot of woman just aren’t wired like that. Some are, and I don’t begrudge them that. But some aren’t, **and that’s okay, too**. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/26 "2010-09-27T03:23:27Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > It seems to me like you’re always looking to pick a fight lol ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/27 "2010-09-27T03:25:44Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > If you want to do her a real favour, make her acknowledge that she is not emotionally mature enough for a ‘friends with benefits relationship’, empirical evidence being right before her eyes. Okay- did I misinterpret the above? Are you saying that if the friend can’t handle a fwb situation with no feelings involved, she’s not emotionally mature? Can you explain what you really meant, then? I’m not being snarky with you, I honestly interpreted the above to mean just that. I don’t want to have sex with my male friends that I have no romantic feelings for. Does this make me immature or not self-aware? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/28 "2010-09-27T03:26:22Z")
Yeah, that’s totally me with the woman-hating. I apologize if you feel picked on, but your comments about people who ‘spread their legs’ independent of emotional attachment can only be construed as disparaging, even when you take care to preface with ‘viva la difference’. If you really believe that either way is okay, then why with the snide? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/29 "2010-09-27T03:28:57Z")
I do apologize if I misinterpreted\*\* elbows’\*\* post. I’m not trying to argue with anyone. My point was that either way, it’s fine. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re not able to have sex without emotional attachment, just like it’s fine if you are. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/30 "2010-09-27T03:29:08Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t want to have sex with my male friends that I have no romantic feelings for. Does this make me immature or not self-aware? It would if you went into the relationship hoping to stay emotionally distant despite an inability to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/31 "2010-09-27T03:31:39Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > > I don’t want to have sex with my male friends that I have no romantic feelings for. Does this make me immature or not self-aware? > > It would if you went into the relationship hoping to stay emotionally distant despite an inability to do so. If I were young and didn’t know I had that inability, and went into it honestly and naively, then that just makes it a learning situation, not a shaming one. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/32 "2010-09-27T03:34:43Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > It would if you went into the relationship hoping to stay emotionally distant despite an inability to do so. > > If I were young and didn’t know I had that inability, and went into it honestly and naively, then that just makes it a learning situation, not a shaming one. Where’s the shame in not having yet matured? Isn’t being naive a part of being immature? ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/33 "2010-09-27T03:43:32Z")
I think people are being a bit too cut and dried. Most people find in these situations that they can stay emotionally uninvolved with some people and not with others, most people arent all one or the other. The problem is whether you can know going in that its going to be one or the other beforehand. For most people experience is the only one that lets you know that one for sure - if you’ve had lots of experience and are still getting it wrong more often than not, then perhaps ‘emotional immaturity’ or whatever is a reasonable thing to consider. In this case the person seems to have found out that it wasnt what they expected, and are hoping to wind back the clock. My suggestion in that case would be to look at why they want to do that - is it because they’re worried it will ruin a possible hope of a real relationship for the future by going too fast, or because they’re scared of falling in love again, or what? Because its more likely that thats the real problem. Otara ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/34 "2010-09-27T04:03:22Z")
Thanks guys, actually just writing this stuff out has taken the edge off and given me some good perspective. Honestly, I think dude is probably falling harder and faster than I am. That fits a pattern. I’m a really different kind of girl- very direct, very complicated, very independent and very sexual- and some guys fall for that hard. But he has made it pretty clear he’s got his own emotional baggage making him cautious, and I can totally respect that. I’m really no stranger to emotional baggage, and indeed it’s kind of refreshing to meet someone who can understand that. We agreed that we were both ridiculously into each other, but both feeling very cautious, and that we should see where this goes without trying to force anything. I agreed, but with the caveat that he not waste my time. If it’s looking like things are going nowhere, it’s better for us to communicate that and decide what to do with the sexual aspect of things keeping that in mind. I find this arrangement perfectly agreeable, perhaps even ideal. Now if only I could quell this little fluttery feeling. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/35 "2010-09-27T04:05:49Z")
What?! It’s not really your friend you’re talking about, but yourself? Wow, I bet that never happens on this board! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/36 "2010-09-27T04:11:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by Alice The Goon View Post > It seems to me like you’re always looking to pick a fight > lol > Reply With Quote this x 100 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/37 "2010-09-27T04:13:38Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Originally Posted by Alice The Goon View Post > > It seems to me like you’re always looking to pick a fight > > lol > > Reply With Quote > > this x 100 The ignore button is your friend. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/38 "2010-09-27T04:22:56Z")
“I find this arrangement perfectly agreeable, perhaps even ideal.” “Now if only I could quell this little fluttery feeling.” These two things, do not go together, for me. Were the situation ‘perfectly agreeable’ or ‘ideal’ you wouldn’t be feeling the way you’ve described here, which is clearly yearning for more. Your ‘friend’ sees herself as very sexual, strong and independent. She’s pretty invested in that. But really she offers sex only, then falls hard, too soon, gets crushed - yet again. Stunned there is no emotional reciprocation, from a fella she assured she just wanted sex from, but then falls hard for. And then gets all weepy and head in ovenish. Self awareness is a function of maturity. Until you see yourself as you are, instead of how you picture yourself, you’ll just keep repeating the same patterns. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/39 "2010-09-27T05:07:51Z")
I don’t think **elbows** is saying **even sven** ('s friend) is wrong or lesser for attaching sex to emotion. I think what he/she is saying is that **even sven** is being foolish to engage in fuck-buddy type relationships if she knows she is the type to get attached. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170/40 "2010-09-27T06:00:37Z")
I don’t always get attached, and the low-expectation relationships I’ve had without a lot of emotional mess have been some of the best time of my life. That said, I’m not opposed to an emotionally involved relationship (although a “move in together, meet the parents, buy some ikea furniture, get a cat” thing is as appealing to me as wet bread) but I’d want to do it slowly, with lots of honest communication, and with clear ideas of each other’s expectations and levels of commitment. I’m pretty sure dude is at the same point, so yay. Anyway, this thread worked. Coming to a better understanding of what I’m looking for and a realistic assessment of what I’ll probably get has quieted that pesky heart right down. I’m terrible at keeping perspective, so just stepping back and reflecting is often enough to keep me from getting too caught up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-how-not-to-fall-for-someone/555170.md?page=3)