# Need advice - kids are fine apart, maddening together **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 30, 2010, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112 "2010-06-30T20:44:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/21 "2010-07-02T00:33:29Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Why so hostile? Maybe you should talk to someone about that. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Kkrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Kkrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kkrose)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/22 "2010-07-02T00:40:30Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > One thing Iā€™ve noticed about the difference in approach between me and my husband (who had two sisters very close in age) is that he spends a good deal less time and effort on working out exactly whoā€™s to blame. Fighting over the TV? It goes off. Fighting over a toy? It goes away. This stops them fighting with each other almost infallibly, since now they are locked in disapproval of YOU! I was one of four, and this was the exact approach from my parents. It was very very effective. We didnā€™t get warnings either. We fought over something, it ended. We at least got to the point where if we fought over something, we learned to do it quietly and out of earshot of my parents. I think they considered that just as good as us not fighting at all. At least they got some peace. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/23 "2010-07-02T00:44:59Z")
I have kids with exactly this age difference. First, two year olds are kind of brats, but that is normal. The best thing I can recommend is to have the seven year old be assigned a kind of semi-maternal role. If she can get the 7 year old to see herself as being responsible for the 2 year old because she is so much more mature, they may get along better. There will be fireworks at times, but it might improve. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/24 "2010-07-02T00:53:23Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > You could magnetize them both with the same polarity. You are awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/25 "2010-07-02T00:56:57Z")
My two ( 10 and 12) can either be affectionate or running after each other with murder in their eyes. I like to either take away whatever it was they were fighting over or make them clean each other rooms. THAT is ALWAYS GOOD for a new list of grievances from them and in turn, the more complaining means more CHORES! If they complain when I give them a chore, they get another chore. If they complain about THAT chore, they get another chore! Itā€™s called, CAMP NO FUN! ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/26 "2010-07-02T01:04:28Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > You canā€™t sneeze in this forum without having therapy recommended. Oh, slow your roll, friend. All Iā€™m saying is: clearly there is a problem with the kids that is slightly beyond the grasp of the parents (Iā€™m not saying they are bad parents AT ALL, Iā€™m just saying they need a little outside intervention). If it is a matter of the older one getting jealous, it might be good for the whole family to pick up some techniques on how to deal with it. Personally, Iā€™ve never been to therapy, but it seems to work for my friends and their families. Though I do sort of feel like after this spat, we should go to coupleā€™s therapy. What say you, my love? ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/27 "2010-07-02T01:07:44Z")
I wanted to add (last post I had to stop abruptly because the kids needed me, :D) that I really like the idea of positive expectations and praise. That was part of the laydown of the new rules - things I expect her to do as well as not do. I think ā€œrespect your sisterā€ is a little vague for her, so I started with, ā€œListen, and when she says ā€˜stopā€™ or ā€˜no,ā€™ you stop immediately and move away.ā€ I realized that I also need to emphasize that she is in control of certain situations and needs to use her smarts. She will sometimes be prone on the floor and let the baby climb on her back. Everyoneā€™s having fun, until the baby grabs two handfuls of hair and YANKS. It has happened three times now, and I think if Chloe chooses to allow Claire on her back, she needs to realize hair pulling will follow, and decide if the risk is worth the fun. If hair pulling occurs, both kids will get reprimanded, because itā€™s not OK to yank hair, and I certainly donā€™t want the baby turning it on me, but itā€™s also not cool to set up a situation where youā€™re going to get hurt and someone else will get in trouble. This is so hard, because yes she is struggling with having to share Mommy. She got good and comfy in the role of only child, and here comes the usurper, who is especially clingy to me and obnoxious in general at this age. Iā€™m trying to carve out special time for us, and point out to her when she is getting time with parents or cool privileges because sheā€™s older. Anyway, I also really like the ideas of ā€œIf itā€™s fought over, it goes away,ā€ and ā€œIf thereā€™s no blood and I didnā€™t see it, I donā€™t want to hear about it.ā€ I really appreciate all the input. I try to be loving and tough in appropriate measures, but sometimes it really helps to get a non-Mommy perspective! ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/28 "2010-07-02T01:42:42Z")
I meant to say before, that being 7 shouldnā€™t only be about responsibility. You might also emphasize the perks of being the older kid. As the youngest, I remember being jealous that the older kids got to stay up later, and got to do things I was too young to do (even things like cleaning - I was big enough to do stuff! that lasted until I was about 9). So I would positively reinforce the ā€œbig girlā€ thing by commenting on how the younger one canā€™t play in the kiddie pool by herself, and the younger one has to take a nap, and the young one canā€™t play Barbies. My father used to say ā€œRank has its privilegesā€. Again, not a parent, so feel free to ignore me. StG ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112/29 "2010-07-02T04:19:26Z")
> [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](#): > > Itā€™s hard because usually her ā€œteasingā€ involves hugging or being close without being violent or ā€œmean,ā€ and itā€™s hard for her to understand that hugging when the huggee doesnā€™t want it is unacceptable. Ugh. My sister still does this all the time, and sheā€™s 14. So much of what youā€™ve written about your 7 yr old could be a description of her. Itā€™s kind of nice to know that itā€™s happening to someone else, even if it is disheartening to see that she _really_ ought to be over this crap by now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-kids-are-fine-apart-maddening-together/545112.md?page=1)