# Need advice: Should I tell my brother's girlfriend he's cheating on her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 31, 2011, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701 "2011-08-31T00:37:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/61 "2011-08-31T06:19:28Z")
Ok, met twice. That is serious? This relationship isn’t very serious to your brother. It seems the only ones serious here are Girl A and you. Girl A is not worth losing your brother’s trust. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/62 "2011-08-31T06:27:26Z")
Again, I disagree with you. If the relationship wasn’t serious to my brother, then he shouldn’t have had any reason to beg my mom not to tell her why he’s not talking to her anymore. As I’ve already said: What the situation is is that he more or less just wanted to keep Girl A on a leash…so he could tug on it again if this new situation didn’t work out. I know my brother better than you and have seen this thing happen many times in the past, already. He will have 2-5 “girlfriends” at a time, playing them all, stringing them all along, keeping them around so that as each one goes, he still has a “back up”. Now normally, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass that he’s doing this…he’s been doing it for years and it’s been no skin off my back… …but it becomes more of a problem needing attention when it starts this: Girls calling up my mom and harassing her at all points in the day, hoping for some kind of answer to why my playboy brother is suddenly putting her on the back burner for now. Well, I’ve let her know. But no worries, I’m sure brother will have at least two replacements for her before the week is finished. As ZipperJJ said above: He’s using her. Keeping her around until the next time he can use her again. And when it starts to branch out into others outside of their messed up cycle of a relationship, that’s when I felt stepping in was warranted. I recognize that you disagree with that, though, and that’s okay. I’m also fine with that. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/63 "2011-08-31T07:21:21Z")
**Idle Thoughts** , your brother’s a coward, I’m glad you told her what’s going on so she can move on with her life and know why he’s a shithead. **toofs** , I take it you’ve never had a long distance relationship? They aren’t the same as “real life” relationships, but they are every bit as real. Your mother also needs a spine. How old is this brother of yours? ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/64 "2011-08-31T07:26:25Z")
He’s 21. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/65 "2011-08-31T07:31:09Z")
Ya did the right thing. Yes, you need to back up your family…to a point, after that they are beyond taking advantage and into abusing the relationship. I remember the french fries episode. My neice was going down a similar road and the family cut her off. She wised up pretty damn quick (well took about 6 months) and now she’s almost the polar opposite of what she was. This is only a start, but keep it up, sometimes it works out ok. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/66 "2011-08-31T07:42:06Z")
Idle Thougths, your brother is a sociapath. He is described to a T in [this book](http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1314776016&sr=1-1). His aim is not to be an ax murderer, but to leech of women in order to lead the life he wants, and that life does not have a job or any emotional responsibility in it. First he had your mom on a leash, now the girlfriends. He will fake any emotion necessary untill he gets what he wants. There is nothing you can do about it. All anyone can do with such sociopaths is to keep away from them and not let themselves be harmed by them. It might help tdistance yourself from him if you realize that he is just an empty shell; he doesn’t feel love or friendship, even if he says he does. And he will never, ever ever repay anything anyone does for him. And he will never change. If I were you, I would warn the women in his life against him. They won’t believe you at first, but they might come to their senses a bit sooner then if you hadn’t warned him. At the very least, that stance will make sure your brother will do his best to keep his victims out of your way, so you and your mom won’t have to deal with scenes like this one anymore. . The reality is that he will leave a lot of young women sadder and hopefully wiser in his wake. Hopefully none of them will get pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/67 "2011-08-31T07:49:07Z")
From the reviews of the linked book: > [@](#): > > … the author’s anecdotes and statistics are tremendously useful when it comes to identifying these people in your life. She explains that the overwhelming majority of sociopaths are NOT Ted Bundy serial killer types, just extremely successful parasites, uncannily adept at seeking out the vulnerable, or at disabling common sense in others. She explains that they can be very difficult to identify, but notes that if she had to pick one consistent warning sign, it would be that they play the victim card very early, hoping to stir up sympathy and compassion. The author also advises us not to engage sociopaths or to think that we can beat them at their own game. By definition, they lack the conscience that may inhibit the behavior of non-sociopaths. > [@](#): > > … one in twenty-five Americans is a sociopath …Given the havoc even one sociopath can wreak in one’s life, this book provides a sort of insurance that you’ll be able to identify him or her and deal with that person so they don’t harm you emotionally, financially, or in any other way. This is a well-written and well-researched book that I think will benefit the 96% of you who are not sociopaths. > > To gain the benefits of “sociopath insurance” there are three portions of the book I believe are crucial for you to read: (1) the discussion of what is a sociopath along with her stories illustrating the different types of sociopaths, (BTW, those stories would make fine literary short stories with Stout’s descriptive language and suspense building.) (2) Stout’s “Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths in Everyday Life”, and (3) the discussion of how good people with consciences end up allowing sociopathic leaders to rise to power and do horrific acts. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/68 "2011-08-31T07:50:43Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > …If I were you, I would warn the women in his life against him. They won’t believe you at first, but they might come to their senses a bit sooner then if you hadn’t warned him. At the very least, that stance will make sure your brother will do his best to keep his victims out of your way, so you and your mom won’t have to deal with scenes like this one anymore. … I’m not qualified to judge whether he’s a sociopath or not, but if he is one, I don’t think I’d want to be making myself his enemy and possible target by repeatedly intervening in his life and warning people about him. I’d want to be the brother he’s forgotten completely since it’s been so long since we’ve talked. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/69 "2011-08-31T08:24:18Z")
Haven’t bothered read, have been the cheated-on gf. Don’t. I eventually found out, and it led to the relationship ending (1), but if his sister or his mother had told me, I would have thought it was some sort of payback for whatever he had done in his ongoing war with them (that was the first red flag of that relationship… “I get along swimmingly with the women in his family and he _pouts_?😕”) I ran into his sister a few days later and she apologized for not telling me (she and their mother had been telling him to stop him on account of “this one is Hispanic, when she finds out she’s going to kick your ass into orbit”), but I told her it was all right, it’s not like I hadn’t had signs that he was an ass but hey, “smoke gets in your eyes” is a scientific description! 1: Not for the “having sex with other people” part, but because the “without a condom” part made me realize he didn’t give a shit about my own needs, his world was centered on the three people called Me, Myself and I. We hadn’t really talked about “open vs closed”, but damnit, putting on a condom when you have sex with a stranger is basic hygiene. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/70 "2011-08-31T08:32:11Z")
Having read: that’s not “cheating”, that’s “he’s broken up with her but doesn’t have the cojones to tell her”. Since he’s not going to do it, tell her, simply so she stops worrying out of her mind. ---
**Author:** ![Emphant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Emphant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emphant)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/71 "2011-08-31T10:16:39Z")
OP, are you sure you don’t either a) have some sort of feelings for this girl or b) have some sort of jealousy towards your brother for being able to pull so many girls? I’m not condoning his behavior, but I absolutely cannot fathom snitching on my brother or even a good friend over a female…especially one he’s met twice. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/72 "2011-08-31T13:01:17Z")
> [@toofs](#): > > Girl A is not worth losing your brother’s trust. Given the situation, I’m not sure his brother and ‘trust’ really belong in the same sentence. Glad you told her. I was going to suggest laying down an ultimatum: “Bro, you got to tell Girl A what’s going on by the weekend, or I’m going to keep bugging you about it. Especially when Girl B is here.” ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/73 "2011-08-31T13:17:11Z")
> [@treis](#): > > This makes it your problem (well, your mom’s). Read shithead, excuse me, your brother the riot act. Tell him he has X amount of days to tell girl A or you will, and include other appropriate consequences for your trouble. THIS. Your brother has already involved the family. Out of a curtisy, I would tell him that he had 2 days to break the news to her, or else I would do it. Shoot, I’d be very tempted to say ‘tell her or I’ll tell her you got arrested for having sex with a farm animal, for the third time’. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/74 "2011-08-31T13:25:58Z")
Quietly arrange a “date” for your brother and all of the girls he’s dating that happens to all be at the same time and place, say a birthday party or a funeral or something. Hilarity and comeuppance will ensue. Lessons will be learned all around. Or so every rom-com ever made would have you believe. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/75 "2011-08-31T13:42:18Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Yeah you pull the black sheep option when your brother is stealing from your mother or something equally horrendous, not because he’s being a shit to a girl. Meh! If my brother was a serial cheater, who let my mom and I stay on the hook for getting tons of messages from worried girls, I’d wonder what the hell he was lying to ME about. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/76 "2011-08-31T13:42:41Z")
He’s your brother, you don’t rat him out; you tell him straight up to his face that he is being a douche and that while he will always be your brother, you can’t really respect him until he stops acting like a douche. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/77 "2011-08-31T13:46:11Z")
> [@toofs](#): > > Stay out of it. Don’t tell her. This will resolve without your involvement. > > Your brother is a dick. So what. It is not a situation where he is stealing from her, or putting her in any kind of danger. I’ve dropped girls in a similar fashion and believe me when I say that **my brother and I would have had a problem** if he got involved. Good. I LIKE having problems with people who behave like jerks, because it generally means I’m making it hard for them to be jerks. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/78 "2011-08-31T13:49:34Z")
Once upon a time, in a land far away, when I was a very young pupzilla, I was Girl A, in the LDR with my best friend’s brother. He led me to believe he was serious about me. He said all the right words. I was too young and inexperienced to understand yet that, if a guy isn’t bending over to make seeing me happen, he just isn’t that into me. I didn’t know that yet. I really, really, really wanted to keep my BFF out of it. I went several weeks, worrying and wondering and sending messages (this was before FB and texting; actually before we all had cellphones. I think we used to send smoke signals back in the day.) Long after I had given up, my BFF called me one day to shoot the shit. I asked her why her brother hated me. She said he didn’t. I asked, then why did he disappear without a word? She was quiet for a few seconds and then she told me he’d been dating Girl B for quite some time, had brought her home to meet the family, and they all adored her. She also told me that she’d given him a bunch of shit over not telling me and had asked him/ordered him/begged him to tell me himself. I was very very grateful that she had the guts to risk our friendship so I could know what really happened to him. I clarified that he had been whining on the phone about wanting to be with me (we were both too broke to travel to see each other much) and had been telling me how much he loved me and how I was the perfect woman for him… all while he’d been happily fucking Girl B. My BFF confirmed that was the case. I was never upset with her at all and we are still friends however many years later. He continued to be a douchebag to Girl B\* and then to Girl C and Girl D and Girl E… and she doesn’t even speak with her own brother anymore (because he’s a sociopath). She’s written him off; he’s never even met his 5-year-old niece. So I’m glad you told her. Now she can move on, having learned a huge life lesson. For every women or man who has been strung along by some testicle-free asshole, _thank you_. - About a year later, my BFF got married and of course her brother and I were both in the wedding. He’d brought Girl B, who was an opera singer and who performed at the wedding (she sounded a little flat to me, but not bad; I think she was really nervous). There was a bit of a confrontation between me and Girl B, but I finally managed to pull her away from the crowd, sit her down, and explain exactly how he’d behaved toward me. I wasn’t trying to break them up, but I wanted her to know what kind of guy she was with. They ended up being together for a couple years, but my BFF told me that he ended up treating Girl B just as shitty has he’d treated me; that’s just how he rolls. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/79 "2011-08-31T14:16:43Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Good. I LIKE having problems with people who behave like jerks, because it generally means I’m making it hard for them to be jerks. Precisely–that’s why it’s a sign you’ve done the right thing. I think some of you are really warping the concept of family loyalty. I love my brother and would go to the ends of the earth for him. You don’t even think about mistreating or misrepresenting him without going to the top of my shit list in perpetuity. That is NOT, however, carte blanche for him to be shitheel and stay on my good side. Part of loving someone is being willing and able to tell them “You’re being an asshole, and we’re not going to be on good terms till you make this right.” ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/80 "2011-08-31T15:03:28Z")
Am I the only one wondering how your unemployed\*, asshole, living-at-home\* brother managed to pick up one girl, let alone two? \*I know, neither of these says anything about you as a person, especially right now- but let’s face it, they don’t do much for your dating prospects. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701.md?page=5)