# Need advice: Should I tell my brother's girlfriend he's cheating on her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 31, 2011, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701 "2011-08-31T00:37:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/81 "2011-08-31T15:18:58Z")
If the brother’s drama/issues are kept to himself, I’d ignore it. I might let him know he’s being a dick but overall it’s his deal, not mine. But things change once his problem becomes a problem for other people. Once his bullshit started spilling over into my life I’d have told him that either he can take care of it or I will. There’s no way I’m going to put up with some crazy woman blowing up my (or my mom’s) phone all day long. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/82 "2011-08-31T15:24:35Z")
> [@Terraplane](#): > > If the brother’s drama/issues are kept to himself, I’d ignore it. I might let him know he’s being a dick but overall it’s his deal, not mine. But things change once his problem becomes a problem for other people. Totally. By getting his mother stuck in the middle of this, brother forfeits his right to privacy. Your right to family loyalty in a given situation ends when your loyalty in return is so limited that you don’t mind making your bullshit into a family member’s problem. I’d tell Girl A and then let brother know that I didn’t give a shit about his relationship with Girl A, but that not considering the consequences to his mother was a dick move that required action. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/83 "2011-08-31T15:34:28Z")
I’m late to the party, but why didn’t your mother tell your brother ‘No way does Girl B move into my house until you’ve broken it off with Girl A, because I refuse to get sucked into your drama’? And why was she letting him use her phone to ring Girl A? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/84 "2011-08-31T15:35:59Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > If she asks you, tell her the truth. If she doesn’t come to you about it, keep your mouth shut. Don’t worry about trying to find a clean solution to this problem-- There isn’t one. But if you have to choose between a lying mess and an honest mess, choose the honest one. Well said. Ordinarily I’m all about minding one’s own business in this situation. But when Facebook girl starts harassing you and your mom, your brother’s chocolate is now in your peanut butter and you should feel free to take action. ETA: Weird, I somehow missed the whole second page of this thread. But I’ll let my post stand because I was totally right and I like thinking about chocolate and peanut butter. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/85 "2011-08-31T16:16:47Z")
> [@Emphant](#): > > OP, are you sure you don’t either a) have some sort of feelings for this girl or b) have some sort of jealousy towards your brother for being able to pull so many girls? I’m sure. I hardly know the girl (this will be my third time I’ve ever talked to her, if you count that–the other two times also being in text, not with words). As for B, I’m in a relationship already. > [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > I’m late to the party, but why didn’t your mother tell your brother ‘No way does Girl B move into my house until you’ve broken it off with Girl A, because I refuse to get sucked into your drama’? > > And why was she letting him use her phone to ring Girl A? Because she’s unable to stand up to him. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/86 "2011-08-31T16:18:34Z")
How about a Facebook post to say “Hey, should we throw a housewarming party for Jim and Sarah when they move in together?” Then a “oh, damn, I forgot Girl A was a facebook friend.” ---
**Author:** ![RedWood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f08c70/32.png) [@RedWood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedWood)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/87 "2011-08-31T16:18:42Z")
Thank you, Chronos! That was very well said. OP, I think Bro crossed the MYOB line as soon as you and your Mom were involved. You did the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/88 "2011-08-31T16:45:33Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I’m not qualified to judge whether he’s a sociopath or not, but if he is one, I don’t think I’d want to be making myself his enemy and possible target by repeatedly intervening in his life and warning people about him. I’d want to be the brother he’s forgotten completely since it’s been so long since we’ve talked. No, you are confusing the leech kind of sociopath with the agressively plotting sociopath. Those are different types. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/89 "2011-08-31T17:17:21Z")
**Idle Thoughts** , all I know about your family is what I’ve seen in this thread. But a pretty clear pattern shines through: You mother won’t stand up to your brother—he gets his way. You don’t want to make him mad at you—he gets his way. Girl A can’t reach him—he gets his way. Girl B was willing to move in with a 21-y-o guy who lives with his Mom (not to mention his other sterling qualities)—he gets his way. That’s three categories of people (parent, sibling, girlfriends) who, in different ways, give him exactly what he wants without much difficulty for him. You can’t change your mother or your brother, but you certainly can change your role in this dynamic. I wouldn’t have posted again, but it alarms me that such a person completely dominates a family. I’m probably getting riled up over nothing, since I’m sure there’s acres of good stuff you haven’t mentioned, but holy Hannah, this is one fucked-up dynamic. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/90 "2011-08-31T17:38:14Z")
I think the people that are backing the brother didn’t read the other thread. If they had read it, they’d be siding with **Idle**. The brother has a life-long pattern of abusing people and it’s time someone stood up to him. If **Idle** gets in a fight with his brother, then that’s a good thing. If the brother’s so mad that he doesn’t speak to **Idle** anymore, then that’s also a good thing. It’s ridiculous to suggest that the OP owes this scumbag low-life any loyalty at all. It’s not like it’s reciprocated. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/91 "2011-08-31T17:44:47Z")
But there is a fine line between standing up to someone and getting pulled into their BS drama. Basically, I would want to stay as far away from this kind of crap as I could and get on with my life. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/92 "2011-08-31T17:45:46Z")
> [@Idle\_Thoughts](#): > > In fact, he’s even gone as far to say he’s going to block Girl A’s contact info from mom (and me) if we keep on pushing it (that way we can’t tell her ourselves). > > \ > > Thus I’m left with “Do I tell her myself before he has the chance to cut her communication off with me or leave it alone because it’s none of my business?” You’ve already made your choice, but I want to direct your attention back to this statement. This doesn’t even make any sense. How could your brother block you from contacting this girl on facebook? How, if this girl has your mother’s number and is calling her, could your brother stop your mother from answering the phone? The amount of power over you and your mother that this kind of thinking implies your brother has is troubling. He’s making nonsensical threats, and you’re worried that he’ll… follow through with them? ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/93 "2011-08-31T17:52:50Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > This doesn’t even make any sense. How could your brother block you from contacting this girl on facebook? He knows her password. All he’d have to do (if he suspects I told her what’s up) is log into her account and block me from it (at the same time, he could delete the message I sent her). > [@](#): > > He’s making nonsensical threats, and you’re worried that he’ll… follow through with them? I’m not worried about anything, save for the fact that eventually, someday, he’s going to be lost, unable to take care of himself, unable to find a place to live, and unable to find anyone else he can mooch off of due to never having to do a single thing for himself in his whole life. **Dr Drake:** > [@](#): > > You don’t want to make him mad at you—he gets his way. In my defense: I don’t live with him or see him very often (maybe three times a year), so frankly, it’s not that big of a deal if he’s mad at me. I also don’t hold much power over the things he does each day. The only thing I was worrying about was it being awkward whenever I did visit in the future (and I don’t like awkward situations, personally), due to his feelings. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/94 "2011-08-31T18:16:40Z")
This situation stinks for a number of reasons. But I’m gonna bet that Girl A (Internet friend) has sent your brother MONEY. It may have been in the guise of “we’ll build a life together Sweetheart, it’s an investment for our future…” Girl A is hounding anyone who will listen not only because Brother has brushed her off, but he owes her BIB BUX. I vote to tell her in one simple line, “If you have loaned him money, my advice is to contact a lawyer.” And leave it at that. This is fodder for Judge Judy. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/95 "2011-08-31T18:26:27Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Tell her. She is suffering. Once she knows what is going on, she can deal and heal. > > Your brother is cruel and selfish. He found someone else, which happens. But to leave her hanging like this, worried sick and in the dark? What a bastard. I haven’t finished reading the thread but I’m going to comment anyway. Please tell her. As gently as possible, but tell her. Many years ago I dated this guy who lived about 2 hours away. We went out for about 6 months. I met his family, he met my parents, we spent weekends together…until he stopped returning my calls. And e-mails. And everything. It was like he just fell off the face of the earth. He had just bought himself a motorcycle and even though I knew damn well that I had simply been cruelly dumped, I was worried sick that he’d had an accident on his bike or something. After about 2 weeks of this b.s. I finally got him on the phone and he was all, “Uhh, well, I guess you figured it out…” Douche. Now if his brother had contacted me and told me that his brother was fine and just being a dick it would have saved me a ton of hurt. Just my 2 cents as “Girl A”, without the stalking. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/96 "2011-08-31T18:37:01Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > Oh, definitely tell his current woman about all of this, unless you want to go through all of this again. And again. And again. OP should definitley NOT do this. With the new GF there is actually a chance that loser-bro will move out of Mom’s house. That’s a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/97 "2011-08-31T18:41:00Z")
> [@Idle\_Thoughts](#): > > \ > I’m not worried about anything, save for the fact that eventually, someday, he’s going to be lost, unable to take care of himself, unable to find a place to live, and unable to find anyone else he can mooch off of due to never having to do a single thing for himself in his whole life.\ I think you did a good thing when you sent a message to Girl A - you’ve sent a warning shot over your brother’s bow that you’re not lining up to be a patsy for him when your mother and all his girlfriends get tired of him. ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/98 "2011-08-31T18:45:44Z")
**Idle Thoughts** , have you heard back from Girl A? I agree with **Cat Whisperer** , you did a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/99 "2011-08-31T18:46:18Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Yeah you pull the black sheep option when your brother is stealing from your mother or something equally horrendous, not because he’s being a shit to a girl. Yes, because treating women like shit is no big deal. :rolleyes: > [@toofs](#): > > Ok, met twice. That is serious? This relationship isn’t very serious to your brother. It seems the only ones serious here are Girl A and you. > > Girl A is not worth losing your brother’s trust. Again, who the hell cares, she’s just a woman, right? > [@madmonk28](#): > > He’s your brother, you don’t rat him out; you tell him straight up to his face that he is being a douche and that while he will always be your brother, you can’t really respect him until he stops acting like a douche. You know what? Bullshit. I’ve never understood this weird obsession people have with blood relationships. If someone is an asshole, and your brother, then they’re your asshole brother. It doesn’t makes them less of an asshole and it in no way obligates you to “back their play” if that play is an asshole one. I can’t imagine anyone in my family standing for this shit if my brother decided to pull it. My mother would CERTAINLY not let him dictate whether or not she could answer the phone, and she’d never cover for this level of douchebaggery. Your brother is acting like he was raised by hyenas - why would you want to support that and make it clear that was true? ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701/100 "2011-08-31T19:20:35Z")
First, tell Girl “B” She’s the one with most at stake here. Granted she should have already been able to “read the terrain” by the fact that he still lives at home, but it sounds like she was willing to “give” that one to him. His uncaring string of relationships though? Not so much, I’ll bet. Then tell Girl “A.” If she’s anything more than 12 yrs old she already sees the wrting on the wall, even tho she may not want to admit it. (Am I seeing how may cliche’s I can fit into one post? Sorry.) When the dust has settled around your brother (might as well go for the gold) & he’s done yelling etc., then DARE him to involve you and/or your mother again. Tell him if he won’t deal with the consequences that you’ll be more than happy to. Bet you see some CHANGE in that boy… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-advice-should-i-tell-my-brothers-girlfriend-hes-cheating-on-her/594701.md?page=6)