# Need colonoscopy jokes!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854 "2012-10-25T19:17:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/1 "2012-10-25T19:17:11Z")
Going in for #4 (tried to work in a #2 joke here but couldn’t think of anything cute) in a few weeks. Gonna be doing this semi-regularlike from here on out (sigh). So I’ve decided to try to come in with a new joke every time. Last time it was the tale of the little old lady who has an appointment with a proctologist, who does his exam, then has a consult with her. Finishes up with “Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?”. She looks at him scoldingly and says “Yes. Does your MOTHER know what you’re doing?”. I thought about having little cards printed up with places for punchouts / rubber stamps, that say “Have 12 and the next one is free!” and bringing it in with a few of the spots marked, and asking them to stamp it for me. Dunno if I’ll have time for that though. If I do… should I leave a few squirreled away in the waiting room? C’mon, give me some more ideas! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/2 "2012-10-25T19:21:14Z")
You could go wearing [this](http://shirtstree.com/images/TEE_BRAV/LED2036.jpg) tee shirt. ---
**Author:** ![PacifistPorcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PacifistPorcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PacifistPorcupine)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/3 "2012-10-25T19:25:40Z")
I can think of a place where you could hide the punch card for the doc to find. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/4 "2012-10-25T19:32:33Z")
Whatever you come up with, don’t you think your colonoscopist has heard them all before? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/5 "2012-10-25T19:32:49Z")
Ask them if they can find the piece of Lego you swallowed when you were a kid. Or something about hamsters. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/6 "2012-10-25T19:35:46Z")
I had a friend who had his birthday shortly after seeing the colorectal specialist. I gave him a birthday card similar [to this](http://www.google.com/imgres?q=proctologist+glove+card&hl=en&biw=1152&bih=779&tbm=isch&tbnid=yS4yNaiQt6TlLM:&imgrefurl=http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/C/Colorectal_surgery.asp&docid=VlrosXkMgrZEUM&imgurl=http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/jco/lowres/jcon4265l.jpg&w=400&h=287&ei=p5KJUNP3JoXf0gHDmYCAAg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=846&vpy=154&dur=1129&hovh=190&hovw=265&tx=113&ty=127&sig=113220060808791011410&page=1&tbnh=139&tbnw=194&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:0,i:83) and he got a big laugh out of it. Maybe you could go in while playing [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-QE49viHI4) on your phone? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/7 "2012-10-25T19:56:57Z")
[An even better song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlCLHf76q_w) on the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/8 "2012-10-25T20:07:22Z")
[Or this one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07pLGIgyfjw). ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/9 "2012-10-25T20:35:54Z")
There’s the one about the proctologist who grabbed his thermometer to write a prescription… he said, “damn some asshole has my pen.” ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/10 "2012-10-25T20:57:19Z")
How’s your [Billy Connolly impersonation](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUTrqvjYjGI)? ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/11 "2012-10-25T21:01:41Z")
“Can you back that out a little? It’s irritating my tonsils.” ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/12 "2012-10-26T10:57:14Z")
There’s the one from _The Office_: Three guys are talking about how they bought their cars to reflect their careers. One says, “I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.” One says, “I’m a herpetologist, so I drive a Dodge Viper.” The third guy says, “I got you both beat. I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.” ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/13 "2012-10-26T11:23:50Z")
The end of Bill Engvall’s story about his colonoscopy: “Hey! I better not see this on YouTube!” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/14 "2012-10-26T15:44:38Z")
Refer to the colonoscopy prep protocol as “terms of enrearment”. ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/15 "2012-10-26T15:56:53Z")
“Can you please write a note to my wife stating that my head is, in fact, NOT up there?” \<-- only works for guys. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/16 "2012-10-26T22:57:45Z")
I was kind of awake, i.e. high as a kite during mine and I watched the screen for the first part of it. “Whoa, was that Jimmy Hoffa?! Alert the media!” BIG laughs from the doc and the gas passer. ---
**Author:** ![pudytat72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@pudytat72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pudytat72)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2012, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/17 "2012-10-28T16:55:26Z")
When they tell you to “lie on your left side”, respond: Oh, no, I only lie on my right side. I tell the truth on my left side. (courtesy of my brother-in-law) ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2012, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/18 "2012-10-28T23:12:20Z")
Dave Barry came up with one, about the prep rather than the procedure itself: “You’re going to want to have seat belts installed on the toilet. Think of the Space Shuttle liftoff.” ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2012, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/19 "2012-10-28T23:49:14Z")
[Colonoscopy humor from Bernie Siegel, MD](http://berniesiegelmd.com/2011/07/colonoscopy-humor/). > [@Double\_Foolscap](#): > > There’s the one from _The Office_: > > Three guys are talking about how they bought their cars to reflect their careers. > > One says, “I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.” > > One says, “I’m a herpetologist, so I drive a Dodge Viper.” > > The third guy says, “I got you both beat. I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.” This reminds me of the [ancient thread where we put the word “anal” in front of various car model names](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=264742). Hilarity ensued. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/20 "2012-10-29T03:00:07Z")
Not colonoscopy specific but did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together? Called it “Odds & Ends” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854.md?page=2)