# Need colonoscopy jokes!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854 "2012-10-25T19:17:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![si\_blakely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@si\_blakely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/si_blakely)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/21 "2012-10-29T08:51:50Z")
Take a pair of sunglasses and a bottle of Factor 50 sunscreen to give to the surgeon … 😉 Si ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/22 "2012-10-29T09:29:30Z")
John Doe of San Francisco went for a colonoscopy. As he lay naked on his side on the table, the nurse began the examination. “Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” said the nurse. “I haven’t got an erection,” John Doe said. “No, but I have.” replied the nurse. Moral: Don’t have this procedure done in San Francisco! ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/23 "2012-10-29T10:39:58Z")
A doctor and his patient are seated in the examination room. The patient, a big guy, says, “Remember when we were kids and I used to beat you up and call you science nerd?” The doctor says, “You may experience additional ironies tomorrow during your colonoscopy.” ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/24 "2012-10-29T14:02:00Z")
My own low-key one-liner when I arrived for my colonoscopy was to ask if I couldn’t just get the semi-colonoscopy. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/25 "2012-10-29T14:08:46Z")
I ran in a 5k benefit for colon cancer yesterday. One sign that I saw along the route said: > [@](#): > > There is no self-exam for colon cancer (thank goodness). Schedule your colonoscopy! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/26 "2012-10-29T17:24:28Z")
Innuendos. ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/27 "2012-10-29T18:21:08Z")
I wouldn’t spend too much time planning on a joke. If you don’t think of one beforehand, I’m sure you can pull something out of your ass at the last minute. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/28 "2012-10-29T21:29:55Z")
I don’t have a colonoscopy joke, but I do have a colostomy joke. Q. What’s the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy? A. Finding shoes to match her bag. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2012, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/29 "2012-10-30T00:15:49Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > I don’t have a colonoscopy joke, but I do have a colostomy joke. > > Q. What’s the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy? > > A. Finding shoes to match her bag. Hence the user name? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2012, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/30 "2012-10-31T01:59:09Z")
> [@Alan\_Smithee](#): > > I wouldn’t spend too much time planning on a joke. If you don’t think of one beforehand, I’m sure you can pull something out of your ass at the last minute. I thought that was his job??? 😉 Maybe I’ll try to print out one of this year’s Ig Nobel prize winners and ask if they’ve taken the necessary precautions: > **[Past Ig Winners](https://improbable.com/ig/winners/)** > > Ig® Nobel Prize Winners For achievements that first make people LAUGH then make them THINK Winners by year: 2024 : 2023 : 2022 : 2021 2020 : 2019 : 2018 : 2017 : 2016 2015 : 2014 : 2013 : 2012 : 20… ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/31 "2012-11-02T13:54:39Z")
It’s the wrong end, but I had an endoscopy this week (they looked at my esophagus). They put me into “twilight sleep” which seemed to be just sleep. I’ve been telling people that I feel like a woman who went partying with Bill Clinton (I know, old reference…). I don’t remember what happened, and my jaw hurts. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/32 "2012-11-02T18:50:21Z")
You don’t have to say anything. Just wink at him. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/33 "2012-11-03T04:03:48Z")
(rewriting) ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/34 "2012-11-03T04:12:13Z")
Related: The story goes that Salvador Dali had a very serious eye ailment that threatened his sight. He went to see the leading specialist in Spain and asked his fee. The doctor said, “In your case, an original painting by you on a subject of your choice.” The doctor treated his eye successfully and saved Dali’s vision. Sometime later Dali presented the doctor with an enormous painting of an eye. In the pupil of the eye, Dali had painted a tiny but perfect portrait of the doctor. The doctor looked at the painting in silence for a minute. Finally, he said, “Señor Dali, all I can say is that I’m glad I’m not a proctologist.” ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/35 "2012-11-03T04:21:33Z")
Also related: Dennis Wolfberg on his rigid sigmoidoscopy. [Dennis Wolfberg - One Night Stand (3 of 3) - YouTube](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2aTxIWoF9Y#t=2m51s) ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/36 "2012-11-03T04:45:16Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > Not colonoscopy specific but did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together? > > Called it “Odds & Ends” The way I heard it (in a high school health class in 1976, hence the archaic sensibilities) is that this decision was made after rejecting “Rears and Queers”, as well as “Nuts and Butts”. ---
**Author:** ![velomont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/8491ac/32.png) [@velomont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velomont)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/37 "2012-11-03T11:50:38Z")
I can’t think of any jokes you can use with your Irish buddy, Colin O’Scopy. Sorry ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/38 "2012-11-03T15:22:31Z")
What’s an innuendo? It’s Italian for colonoscopy. [The original joke was suppository.] ETA: I see **Mangetout** beat me, but not with the full joke. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/39 "2012-11-13T15:38:22Z")
> [@Dr.Woo](#): > > I was kind of awake, i.e. high as a kite during mine and I watched the screen for the first part of it. “Whoa, was that Jimmy Hoffa?! Alert the media!” > > BIG laughs from the doc and the gas passer. ::snerk:: I did tell 'em to let me know if they found Hoffa - they said in all the procedures they’d done, he had yet to turn up. I wound up regaling them with a friend’s story: she had the gallon-o-glurge, and didn’t need to finish it all, so the jug was in the fridge. Her husband was trying to wrangle the kids out the door and they weren’t cooperating, and he finally yelled “Last one out has to drink the rest of Mommy’s lemonade!”. They broke the sound barrier. I may go with the Dali one next time. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2012, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854/40 "2012-11-13T16:03:02Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > Whatever you come up with, don’t you think your colonoscopist has heard them all before? You’d think. But OTOH, my dentist had never heard of Frank Zappa’s “Montana” until I told her about it: [QUOTE=Frank Zappa] I might be movin’ to Montana soon Just to raise me up a crop of Dental Floss Raisin’ it up Waxin’ it down In a little white box I can sell uptown By myself I wouldn’t have no boss, But I’d be raisin’ my lonely Dental Floss [/QUOTE] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-colonoscopy-jokes/638854.md?page=3)