# Need help with boyfriend **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168 "2009-04-24T00:22:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![fightboy18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c68b51/32.png) [@fightboy18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fightboy18)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/1 "2009-04-24T00:22:42Z")
Please help. My boyfriend is currently making less than $1100 per month in a major city. He is paying a set amount for rent to me each month (I own the condo). I am paying all the bills and buying all the groceries, entertainment, etc. He is debt for over $1000 to me right now. He has spent $30 this week on pot. How can I convince him this is not right? Thank you for your time. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/2 "2009-04-24T00:38:25Z")
You and [Ship of Dreams](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=514399)are made for each other. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/3 "2009-04-24T00:52:30Z")
Call the cops on his weed stash? ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/4 "2009-04-24T00:57:42Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Call the cops on his weed stash? Ah yes… an excellent use of police services for $30 worth. What a score. Basically, the OP is enabling him if he/she continues to loan him money and put up with him not helping out with his fair share. Tell him to work more, get a better job, or tell him you’re not putting up with it. If you continue into the downhill slide, and you’re not happy, realize that’s it’s partly your fault for allowing it to continue. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/5 "2009-04-24T00:59:39Z")
If $30 is his entire entertainment budget for the week, I don’t see much of a problem. If it’s on top of a ton of other shit, then there’s an issue. But you don’t give us much to go on. Have you talked to him yet, or is this a first step thing? What else does he spend money on? If he saves most of his money, I’d say let this go. On one hand, it’s important to save every penny you can when you’re in debt. On the other, there has to be some kind of release/entertainment, and $30 for a week isn’t a big deal. You can barely have a date at the Olive Garden for $30. Please let us know a bit more about the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Spezza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Spezza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spezza)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/6 "2009-04-24T01:21:52Z")
Like **BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed** said, we just don’t have enough to go on. But since $30 of $1100 is \<3% of his net, I cannot see how this can be a problem. You have a problem if he is spending hundreds every month on unnecessary goods. But if he is only spending $30/week on unnecessary goods, well, suck it up? > [@Zsofia](#): > > Call the cops on his weed stash? I hope you are joking for so many different reasons. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/7 "2009-04-24T01:56:14Z")
1. You can be a significant other or a tenant/landlord - mixing those roles is potentially toxic. 2. You negotiated rent - is the base amount not appropriate, or is he in deadbeat mode? 3. Is his deadbeatedness a core value for him? 4. It might be best to take a popular Dan Savage act: DTMFA. 5. If you’re cohabiting without loose parity in roles, then there will be problems. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/8 "2009-04-24T01:59:30Z")
If you can’t pay your own rent and expect other people to pay your bills while you spend money on drugs, that’s a problem. It’s a problem I sure wouldn’t want to share a condo with. It sounds like he’s working a F/T job at minimum wage. He needs a part-time job or a better job. Until he finds one of those, his part-time job is to look for one. It will not hurt a young, healthy person to work 2 jobs for a while. This doesn’t sound to me like a relationship you’ll regret letting go. What part of this story doesn’t sound like you getting used by a loser? The only person who can end that is you. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/9 "2009-04-24T02:01:38Z")
> [@Spezza](#): > > Like **BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed** said, we just don’t have enough to go on. But since $30 of $1100 is \<3% of his net, I cannot see how this can be a problem. You have a problem if he is spending hundreds every month on unnecessary goods. But if he is only spending $30/week on unnecessary goods, well, suck it up? > > I hope you are joking for so many different reasons. Actually, 30\*4=120. 120/1100=10.9%. Assuming his weed purchase is a weekly thing, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/10 "2009-04-24T02:15:29Z")
How big’s your condo? Are there two bedrooms? If you’re in a city like London or New York you may be able to take on another roommate to foot part of the bill. Or, if he wouldn’t normally live in a place as big/expensive as yours but is there because of your relationship, you may have to change your living situation. Did he have a better job before but get downsized or something? Can he borrow money from someone he’s not sleeping with and who can actually spare it? (I assume you can’t if you’re posting here – if this a question about principle, that you have cash but don’t want him sponging, please clarify) ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/11 "2009-04-24T02:16:30Z")
> [@fightboy18](#): > > Please help. My boyfriend is currently making less than $1100 per month in a major city. He is paying a set amount for rent to me each month (I own the condo). I am paying all the bills and buying all the groceries, entertainment, etc. He is debt for over $1000 to me right now. He has spent $30 this week on pot. How can I convince him this is not right? > Thank you for your time. Assuming you’ve talked to him about this, and this isn’t a temporary problem and he doesn’t want to change, you dump him. What other solution is there? ---
**Author:** ![Bolt\_the\_Nut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bolt\_the\_Nut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bolt_the_Nut)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/12 "2009-04-24T03:44:16Z")
It is a little hard to judge without all the facts, but your boyfriend seems to be working either full-time at a minimum wage job or part-time at a better paying job. (Federal minimum wage is $7.25/hr, or about $1,200/month full-time.) If the latter, why isn’t he picking up a few shifts at Starbucks? If the former, well, you can figure that one out. In business there is a concept called the sunk cost fallacy. It is where supposedly smart big business MBA types continue to pour money into a failing project, simply because they have already spent so much on it. In layman’s terms, it is known as “throwing good money after bad”. It is highly unlikely this will end well (emotionally or financially), and you should seriously consider cutting your losses. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/13 "2009-04-24T03:50:59Z")
If the situation was reversed, would he let you slide? I pay 95% of the household bills in my home. Yet, I feel like the lucky one. If you can afford it, let it go. If you can’t afford it, and you have an otherwise great relationship, he can get a second job or you can find a cheaper place together. If he’s not worth it, let him go. THe $30 for pot seems like the least of the problems. I can easily spend more than that on a bottle of wine. Is it the money, or the smoking, that’s bugging you? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/14 "2009-04-24T03:52:57Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Assuming you’ve talked to him about this, and this isn’t a temporary problem and he doesn’t want to change, you dump him. > > What other solution is there? That’s what I meant. In other words, the fact that the OP has to ask means that rationality will not serve here. If somebody’s spending the money they owe you on illegal drugs, that’s not a “relationship problem”, that’s a dealbreaker for most sane people. ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bruce\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/15 "2009-04-24T05:11:15Z")
Grow your own pot and sell what he doesn’t smoke for rent? ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bruce\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/16 "2009-04-24T05:24:09Z")
Sorry, missed the window. That was mildly sarcastic and unnecessary. I don’t think the 30 bucks a week is really the issue with you. It won’t even buy a good dinner for two and barely a weeks worth of lunches of fast food. Have you ever smoked pot? If you haven’t then I’d understand. If not, your looking for a way out? If he isn’t trying to improve himself, then dump him. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/17 "2009-04-24T13:02:38Z")
I too think “we” need way more info. Like who has what money, how much is spend where etc etc. However, is this a real relationship or just a renter with benifits? If its a real relationship, and you arent both earning similiar amounts, then its something you need to work out ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/18 "2009-04-24T13:09:45Z")
What is the $1,000.00 debt to you based on? Did he flat out borrow the money or are you just carrying him? How long have you been together? What is currently keeping you two together? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/19 "2009-04-24T13:14:48Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > That’s what I meant. In other words, the fact that the OP has to ask means that rationality will not serve here. If somebody’s spending the money they owe you on illegal drugs, that’s not a “relationship problem”, that’s a dealbreaker for most sane people. Well, that depends. Is it because its pot or because its 30 dollars? Would the OP be just as peeved it was a some nice beer or a ticket to a play? And we still don’t even know if this a 30 dollars a week habit, a day, or a month. At some point the expenditure level is low enough that IMO, meh cut the person some slack and let them enjoy life just a little. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168/20 "2009-04-24T13:57:47Z")
One way to get what’s coming to you is to hold your hand out each pay day before he goes out to score a stash. Tell him that if he doesn’t pay you first, he can’t live there anymore. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help-with-boyfriend/494168.md?page=2)