# Need help. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 2, 2020, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396 "2020-02-02T20:28:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/21 "2020-02-05T06:22:31Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > I’m curious what type of answer you’ll get here that your three therapists haven’t already given. You’ll probably get someone who says “Go for it, get her out that crummy relationship!”, but keep in mind that 1) no one here knows you personally and 2) as much as everyone, including myself want to help. there’s NOTHING that can be done on an anonymous boardthat can’t be done better by speaking to someone line in person. Someone who can react instantly to your saying yes, while shaking your head no. > > That said, putting on my “I’m not therapist, but I’ll play one for now.” coat: > > You say she \*loved \*you. Note the past tense. Like you, I have only one ex, who undeniably \*loved \* me, but there were some dark demons in her closet that made her fall in love with me. I _loved_, her more than anything else in the world, but I’ve since realized that (and now confess) she was conveniently there and my _love_ for her was never sincere. I’ve fallen in _love_, several times after, but never was able maintain or start a relationship because I now realize _cliche warning_, I don’t love or even really care about myself. > > Right after she left me (shortly after my Dad unexpectedly passed away), I went back to see a therapist and the first thing she told me was that when you break up, it’s like that person died. Sure I was able to talk and see her couple of times over the years, but her “living” was only in my heart. In her heart, I was a ghost of the past that she forgot. > > As for her daughter, unless you have proof of her Mom or Dad physically or mentally abusing her, where you the right and obligation to inform the local law enforcement/CPS of, you have no, nada, zilch, zero right, legally or morally to ask or say ANYTHING about her, to ANYONE!! She is biologically your EX’s DAUGHTER and assuming her husband has legally adopted her, she’s HIS DAUGHTER ALSO! Keep you nose, mouth, eyes and ears, and for heaven’s sake if you ever see her again, hands off her! > > If by some bizarre chance, your ex want’s to get back together again, REFUSE!!! Not only is your renewed relationship destined to fail because you’re both messed up emotionally (though for all we know she may have gotten much, much, much better, unlike you), but more importantly despite your claim that she’s forgotten about you, when you first met her, she was three, then was five when you broke up. So at best, she remembers that someone was there, then suddenly not there. Heaven forbid that she remembers her biological Dad disappearing too! Now she’s in her teens, struggling with teen angst and absolutely doesn’t need “Daddy, Uncle, Friend” from her youth reappearing in her life. > > As for you ex’s husband being controlling. All we’re hearing is you interpretation of what and why he’s doing what he’s doing. There’s always the other side of the story, and for all we know, your contacting her may be causing her untold angst and he’s doing what he needs to, to protect her. No matter how people try to categorize love, everyone’s love is different. STOP trying to impose YOUR IDEA of how things SHOULD BE on someone else’s life! > > _Taking off my coat and going back to being just somewhat, sometimes jerkish lingyi_ Oh man… As far as her daughter is concerned, I’m NOT saying that I have any right to impose myself in her life… And what do you mean by, “don’t touch her”?? I mean… I feel bad I have to clarify this. I might be nuts… But it’s MY problem. I would NEVER date this woman again, or become friends with her. If I ran into her or her daughter I would probably walk away so they couldn’t see my eyes well up. I don’t believe I have imposed my ideas on how things should be for them. I hope we never run into each other. I’d be embarrassed. But yes, I agree with what you’re saying. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/22 "2020-02-05T06:24:16Z")
> [@pool](#): > > Let me tell you a story man. I loved a girl in high school, we fooled around and time went by and drifted apart. I found her again later as she was going through a divorce and had a daughter. A national tragedy took place and brought us together, we fell in love, got married, we had two children together, the house, even the fence everything and her daughter from a previous marriage. > > As of this writing those were the happiest years of my life. We grew resentful, bitter, and angry. Even at the divorce proceedings I didn’t want it to end, but things fall apart, the center cannot hold. She was the only woman I ever loved, but you know what that love turned to hate, bitter hate, I live for the day I see that bitch in her grave. She gave me my children and they are the only people in this world I actually love now that I know what love is, and what it can be. > > I loved her little girl too, but I’m not allowed to see her anymore, such is life. > > You will hold on to little scraps of the past and rationalize about holding on to a love that was never there, unrequited so you don’t have to move on, don’t do that man, let it go and take a risk and you will find love again. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal above you. Wow. Interesting share. Thanks, man ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/23 "2020-02-05T06:43:18Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > I’m curious what type of answer you’ll get here that your three therapists haven’t already given. You’ll probably get someone who says “Go for it, get her out that crummy relationship!”, but keep in mind that 1) no one here knows you personally and 2) as much as everyone, including myself want to help. there’s NOTHING that can be done on an anonymous boardthat can’t be done better by speaking to someone line in person. Someone who can react instantly to your saying yes, while shaking your head no. > > That said, putting on my “I’m not therapist, but I’ll play one for now.” coat: > > You say she \*loved \*you. Note the past tense. Like you, I have only one ex, who undeniably \*loved \* me, but there were some dark demons in her closet that made her fall in love with me. I _loved_, her more than anything else in the world, but I’ve since realized that (and now confess) she was conveniently there and my _love_ for her was never sincere. I’ve fallen in _love_, several times after, but never was able maintain or start a relationship because I now realize _cliche warning_, I don’t love or even really care about myself. > > Right after she left me (shortly after my Dad unexpectedly passed away), I went back to see a therapist and the first thing she told me was that when you break up, it’s like that person died. Sure I was able to talk and see her couple of times over the years, but her “living” was only in my heart. In her heart, I was a ghost of the past that she forgot. > > As for her daughter, unless you have proof of her Mom or Dad physically or mentally abusing her, where you the right and obligation to inform the local law enforcement/CPS of, you have no, nada, zilch, zero right, legally or morally to ask or say ANYTHING about her, to ANYONE!! She is biologically your EX’s DAUGHTER and assuming her husband has legally adopted her, she’s HIS DAUGHTER ALSO! Keep you nose, mouth, eyes and ears, and for heaven’s sake if you ever see her again, hands off her! > > If by some bizarre chance, your ex want’s to get back together again, REFUSE!!! Not only is your renewed relationship destined to fail because you’re both messed up emotionally (though for all we know she may have gotten much, much, much better, unlike you), but more importantly despite your claim that she’s forgotten about you, when you first met her, she was three, then was five when you broke up. So at best, she remembers that someone was there, then suddenly not there. Heaven forbid that she remembers her biological Dad disappearing too! Now she’s in her teens, struggling with teen angst and absolutely doesn’t need “Daddy, Uncle, Friend” from her youth reappearing in her life. > > As for you ex’s husband being controlling. All we’re hearing is you interpretation of what and why he’s doing what he’s doing. There’s always the other side of the story, and for all we know, your contacting her may be causing her untold angst and he’s doing what he needs to, to protect her. No matter how people try to categorize love, everyone’s love is different. STOP trying to impose YOUR IDEA of how things SHOULD BE on someone else’s life! > > _Taking off my coat and going back to being just somewhat, sometimes jerkish lingyi_ BTW. I met the guy. We were very friendly when we met. She would say bad things about him and I asked her to stop because it was none of my business, and I’m not objective. We were ok as friends for a while… Also… my three shrinks; one of them sucked. Kept wondering what the “scoop” was. The other two just basically told me to stop… Which I’ve tried, and successfully so to some degree. One said I should date… But I don’t agree with her… Yet. Not including still having still thinking about my ex, I’m not ready to date for other reasons. I wish I could… I’m very lonely. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/24 "2020-02-05T06:43:41Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > Oh man… As far as her daughter is concerned, I’m NOT saying that I have any right to impose myself in her life… And what do you mean by, “don’t touch her”?? I mean… I feel bad I have to clarify this. I might be nuts… But it’s MY problem. > > I would NEVER date this woman again, or become friends with her. > > If I ran into her or her daughter I would probably walk away so they couldn’t see my eyes well up. I don’t believe I have imposed my ideas on how things should be for them. I hope we never run into each other. I’d be embarrassed. > > But yes, I agree with what you’re saying. I’m talking about giving your hug and nothing more. As I said, you’re nothing to her. You won’t become friends with her, yet you’re still agitated that she won’t message you and would well up if you saw them? Okay. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/25 "2020-02-05T06:47:57Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > I’m talking about giving your hug and nothing more. As I said, you’re nothing to her. > > You won’t become friends with her, yet you’re still agitated that she won’t message you and would well up if you saw them? Okay. God no. Honestly… I’m very mad too. And I didn’t ask for her to message me back. She reassured me all the time we would always be cool. That’s why I was upset at her, because she lied about that. That’s why I wrote the second note, because I wanted to tell her that I felt that way. The rest is closed I’m never going to contact her again ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/26 "2020-02-05T06:57:34Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > I’m talking about giving your hug and nothing more. As I said, you’re nothing to her. > > You won’t become friends with her, yet you’re still agitated that she won’t message you and would well up if you saw them? Okay. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate your assessment. I just need to clarify these things. I looked like a fool because of this and I wanted her to be aware that it effected me. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/27 "2020-02-05T07:25:22Z")
Yes, that’s what I meant in #6. But I’d really put some thought into it if I were you. What ARE your basic expectations for friendship/romance? How did she fail to meet those standards? The goal isn’t to get yourself even angrier at her; it’s to be more dispassionate so you can let her go. If you’ve ever been a boss, you know that sometimes you have to fire people not because they’re bad people but because they just can’t meet the company standard for the position. That’s what you’re aiming for. Also, keep looking for a good fit in a shrink. I have a friend who keeps getting into relationships with jerks. Her self-worth is entirely dependent on having a guy think she’s pretty and lovable, and she’s so needy and eager to please that she ends up attracting guys who use her. Like you, she’s had three therapists, none of whom have helped her. I’m not sure whether that’s because there are some sub-par therapists out there (which there are) or whether my friend really doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. I finally talked her into consulting therapist #4. Whoa, I just now re read one of your last posts, and it hit me: you think she LIED about you two always being cool? Dude. She thought _at the time_ you’d always be cool. Or she was trying to let you down easy. Or she thought that at some level, you’d always think well of each other. Why can’t you let her off the hook on this? And one more question: why don’t you have more friends? Your loneliness isn’t helping you deal with this situation. If you had other friends, this one relationship wouldn’t loom so large. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/28 "2020-02-05T07:35:22Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Keep swimming forward. There’s more fish ahead. > Good Luck. What??? ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/29 "2020-02-05T07:36:55Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > Yes, that’s what I meant in #6. But I’d really put some thought into it if I were you. What ARE your basic expectations for friendship/romance? How did she fail to meet those standards? The goal isn’t to get yourself even angrier at her; it’s to be more dispassionate so you can let her go. If you’ve ever been a boss, you know that sometimes you have to fire people not because they’re bad people but because they just can’t meet the company standard for the position. That’s what you’re aiming for. > > Also, keep looking for a good fit in a shrink. I have a friend who keeps getting into relationships with jerks. Her self-worth is entirely dependent on having a guy think she’s pretty and lovable, and she’s so needy and eager to please that she ends up attracting guys who use her. Like you, she’s had three therapists, none of whom have helped her. I’m not sure whether that’s because there are some sub-par therapists out there (which there are) or whether my friend really doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. I finally talked her into consulting therapist #4. > > Whoa, I just now re read one of your last posts, and it hit me: you think she LIED about you two always being cool? Dude. She thought _at the time_ you’d always be cool. Or she was trying to let you down easy. Or she thought that at some level, you’d always think well of each other. Why can’t you let her off the hook on this? > > And one more question: why don’t you have more friends? Your loneliness isn’t helping you deal with this situation. If you had other friends, this one relationship wouldn’t loom so large. I’m going to have to reply in the morning. I guess you’re right about her “lying”. She meant it when she said it. Anyway… It’s not something you say lightly in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/30 "2020-02-05T09:59:32Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > Anyway… It’s not something you say lightly in my opinion. Never assume that something you wouldn’t say lightly has special meaning. The other person may it have your same values. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/31 "2020-02-06T06:24:22Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > I only assume what she promised… That we’d always be friends. > > I’m not THAT upset with her anymore, but I was for a long time. > > The only thing I said to her regarding that in the message I sent her was just telling her that she always said we would be friends. I didn’t tell her she “lied” or anything like that. But my expectations were that you don’t tell someone that unless you intend of keeping that promise. > > It was something I brought up the day we were reintroduced to each other. So… I don’t know. People intend to do lots of things and promising to always be friends or always loving each other simply isn’t something you can hold a person to. Shit happens and people move on. That doesn’t make what the person said a lie. That would only be if they fully knew they couldn’t fulfill that promise but went again and made it. At any rate, things won’t go back to how you wanted them, so finding a way to let it go is the only sane option. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/32 "2020-02-06T08:00:21Z")
Alright. Life is messed up. I think I’m getting better with this whole situation. It’s still tragic to me. People come and go I guess. Nothing is permanent. I wonder where I would be without her, and later her daughter, in my life. But too much of that type of thinking is pointless. It is what it is. I think, in my own way, I’ve insured that I wouldn’t be hurt like that again for all of these years. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to get back on that saddle. I just have to know that when I fall, I fall hard. So perhaps I should work on mitigating that before anything. I hate just hate reality so much. It doesn’t stop. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/33 "2020-02-07T01:19:50Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > I’ve seen three shinks since. I’ve tried to take their advice. One more thing. Therapists aren’t there to give you advice. You can get advice anywhere. This board has given you the best, fairly obvious advice: Forget about this break up and move on. It was a bog-standard breakup in what was an unhealthy relationship in the first place. A therapist is there to help you find out why this is so hard for you to do. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396/34 "2020-02-07T02:22:11Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > Alright. > > Life is messed up. I think I’m getting better with this whole situation. It’s still tragic to me. People come and go I guess. Nothing is permanent. > > I wonder where I would be without her, and later her daughter, in my life. But too much of that type of thinking is pointless. It is what it is. I think, in my own way, I’ve insured that I wouldn’t be hurt like that again for all of these years. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to get back on that saddle. I just have to know that when I fall, I fall hard. So perhaps I should work on mitigating that before anything. > > I hate just hate reality so much. It doesn’t stop. It’s very hard to accept that nothing is permanent, but the sooner you truly understand and accept that, the better. People die. People change. People say things like, “I’ll never, ever leave you” and truly mean it, but they die. When I was a kid, I loved my parents so much, I vowed I’d never, ever leave them. Then I grew up. They did their job right, so I was able to leave them. And the point of going to therapy is to learn and grow so that you can fall hard for someone but not fall so hard when they leave. It’s not reality you have a problem with; it’s the gulf between reality and the world you’ve constructed to feel safe. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-help/847396.md?page=1)