# Need name of \*real\* bad sci-fi author **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [February 18, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003 "2001-02-18T18:58:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Opus1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/858c86/32.png) [@Opus1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Opus1)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/1 "2001-02-18T18:58:05Z")
I’m looking for the name of (and the webpage about) a truly horrible sci-fi author. I’ve been to the page before, but too long ago to still be in my history. I’m pretty sure I learned about this guy here on the SDMB. Here are the salient details: 1. He produced over 100 books, but he never actually wrote, just dictated them into a tape recorder which was later transcribed by secretaries. He did this in a darkened room with a sheet over his head. 2. This method produced unintentionally hilarious results, including dramatic shifts in the story, characters dying only to reappear when the author forgot that he had killed them off, atrocious misspellings, etc. 3. He was paid by his publisher to write books of fixed length. If a book was going too long, he would wrap it up in a couple pages with an out-of-nowhere deux ex machina ending. If it was too short, he would add in filler material, including one story where he described for two pages how the main character brushed her teeth. 4. One particularly bad line went something like: “It was dark. Black. Pitch black. Blackest darkness. All dark. Black. Dark. Dark.” 5. I believe he was British, but I’m not 100% sure. Somehow I remember all this but not his name! Help is much appreciated. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/2 "2001-02-18T20:17:54Z")
That’s hilarious! I’ve no info, but I now want to know who this guy is, so hello e-mail notification! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/3 "2001-02-18T22:00:16Z")
Sounds like Lionel Fanthorpe. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/4 "2001-02-18T22:25:30Z")
For your edification, [here’s a Fanthorpe link](http://www.antiqueweird.com/fanthorpe.htm). ---
**Author:** ![SmackFu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@SmackFu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmackFu)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/5 "2001-02-18T22:39:24Z")
From that link: > [@](#): > > The darkness all around him was thick, black, stygian. It was a stifling, overwhelming, suffocating darkness. A horrifying terrifying darkness. A darkness of the nethermost pit of hell. Indescribable. It seemed an oppressive darkness, like the darkness of some foul underground dungeon, to which the blessed light of the sun never gained access. It was velvety, almost tactile. He was inhaling it; it was penetrating the pores of his skin; it seemed that the world had always been darkness, that the world alway would be darkness. It was a timeless darkness, a weird, horrifying, overwhelming eternal blackness. He felt as though this was the darkness of a tomb, and that he had been buried alive. . . ---
**Author:** ![Opus1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/858c86/32.png) [@Opus1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Opus1)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/6 "2001-02-18T23:36:34Z")
Yes! Thank you RealityChuck and Cervaise–this is exactly who I was thinking of. Apparently, Fanthorpe wrote several really bad descriptions of darkness. In addition to the one SmackFu posted, here are two more: > [@](#): > > When he awoke it was pitch dark, dark as the pit, dark as the tomb, dark as the grave. A thick, black velvet darkness that seemed almost tangible in its intensity. The kind of darkness that got into the pores of your nose… > > ``` > Orbit One > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > Everywhere was dark, dark darkness. Blackness. Black. Black blackness. (The one I had in mind) > > ``` > A 1,000 Years On > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` > > Thick, black tactile darkness. He coughed and spluttered as though trying to spit the darkness out. The darkness didn’t seem to want to be spat out; it continued filling his nose and mouth and ears. > > ``` > Orbit One > Writing as John E. Muller > > ``` ---
**Author:** ![SuaSponte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@SuaSponte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuaSponte)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/7 "2001-02-18T23:49:43Z")
Your author sounds a great deal like Kilgore Trout. I swear to god, I once read a book by Kilgore Trout. It was hilariously awful. The jacket cover said that the author was not\*\* Kurt Vonnegut. (I think the author was Kurt Vonnegut, _Jr._. ;)) Sua ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2001, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/8 "2001-02-18T23:53:49Z")
Sheesh. I saw the name of this thread, and just assumed ISAAC ASIMOV straight off. Oops. Now I’ve gone and upset the Asimov fans. Listen guys, I was joking. honest! No really! I LIKE pompous gits who can’t write even one page without the word “sardonically” in it. 😃 But for the world’s worst poet, go here: [http://www.xrefer.com/entry/169458](http://www.xrefer.com/entry/169458) ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/9 "2001-02-19T00:02:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SuaSponte \* > I swear to god, I once read a book by Kilgore Trout. It was hilariously awful. The jacket cover said that the author was not Kurt Vonnegut. (I think the author was Kurt Vonnegut, _Jr._. ;)) Was this _Venus on the Halfshell_ or did someone else write a book by Kilgore Trout? For those unfamiliar with it, _Venus_ was written by Philip Jose Farmer. Farmer got permission to use the name, but then Vonnegut got pissed when everyone thought _he’d_ written it. So he denied permission for Farmer to write any more. So I wouldn’t expect anyone else to get permission. PS Fixed the vB code in the quote. ---
**Author:** ![Montfort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Montfort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montfort)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/10 "2001-02-19T04:46:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheLoadedDog \* > \*\*Sheesh. I saw the name of this thread, and just assumed ISAAC ASIMOV straight off. > > Oops. Now I’ve gone and upset the Asimov fans. Listen guys, I was joking. honest! No really! I LIKE pompous gits who can’t write even one page without the word “sardonically” in it. 😃 Funny, because I thought it was L. Ron Hubbard. (And, I’m not kidding.) ---
**Author:** ![Fatwater\_Fewl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4491bb/32.png) [@Fatwater\_Fewl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fatwater_Fewl)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/11 "2001-02-19T05:30:10Z")
And I thought Robert Sawyer. But on second thought, he’s merely mediocre. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/12 "2001-02-19T13:50:56Z")
> [@](#): > > I swear to god, I once read a book by Kilgore Trout. It was hilariously awful. The jacket cover said that the author was not Kurt Vonnegut. (I think the author was Kurt Vonnegut, Jr… ) Venus on the Half Shell. The actual author was Philip Jose Farmer. ---
**Author:** ![Oicu812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f475e1/32.png) [@Oicu812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oicu812)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/13 "2001-02-19T13:59:33Z")
Glad I missed THAT one. Riverworld is still one of my re-read faves occasionally, but I will have to pass on the Venus, methinks… ## O Vidi Vici Veni! ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/14 "2001-02-19T17:36:29Z")
You’re welcome, **Opus1.** And as long as we’re “and I thought of”-ing, the name that popped to mind for me was Piers Anthony. ---
**Author:** ![yabob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yabob/32/2821_2.png) [@yabob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yabob)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/15 "2001-02-19T17:54:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Oicu812 \* > \*\*Glad I missed THAT one. Riverworld is still one of my re-read faves occasionally, but I will have to pass on the Venus, methinks… > > ## O > > Vidi Vici Veni! \*\* Don’t. It’s INTENTIONALLY awful, and very funny, if you’re familiar with Kilgore Trout as a character in Vonnegut’s work. The back cover has an “author’s photo” of Farmer in a ridiculous fake beard and a civil war hat. At least I think it’s actually Farmer. It could be practically anyone. While it’s common knowledge that Farmer wrote it, many different versions of how and why are floating about. The one I heard was that the original deal with Vonnegut called for Farmer to enlist a number of other writers to produce “Kilgore Trout” books as well. That appealed to Vonnegut’s sense of humor, imagining all these crappy books coming out under “Kilgore Trout”. When only VotHS appeared, Vonnegut came to regret having given permission. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/16 "2001-02-19T18:08:49Z")
Actually Venus was pretty good. There were some incredibly funny parts. I never really knew that Farmer had a sense of humor until I read it. Even if you do hate it, it’s such a thin book, it won’t take up more than an afternoon or so to get through it. ---
**Author:** ![keeper0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@keeper0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keeper0)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2001, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/17 "2001-02-19T18:43:59Z")
Fanthorpe is hilarious. > [@](#): > > Then there was Paul Whiteland, as different from Jansen as chalk from cheese. Which of them you preferred depended on which type of character you preferred—chalk or cheese. They are both useful in their own way. You can’t write on a blackboard with a lump of Cheddar. You can’t satisfy your appetite with three sticks of coloured Writing apparatus. > > Juggernaut > Writing as Bron Fane ---
**Author:** ![Alonist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Alonist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alonist)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2001, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-name-of-real-bad-sci-fi-author/55003/18 "2001-02-20T16:57:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RealityChuck \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > I swear to god, I once read a book by Kilgore Trout. It was hilariously awful. The jacket cover said that the author was not Kurt Vonnegut. (I think the author was Kurt Vonnegut, Jr… ) > > Venus on the Half Shell. The actual author was Philip Jose Farmer. > \*\* Farmer also wrote a couple of [Ralph von Wau Wau stories](http://users.castel.nl/~nuniz01/PJFp.htm#Somers%20III) by “Trout”'s fictional SF writer Johnathan Swift Somers. In **Venus** , Farmer also invents a poet whose poem about the Brownings ends: To hell with Euclid’s beauty bare- Liz, get your ass out of that chair! Except, the “beauty bare” line is from a different poetess- and a typo in the original Galaxy serial (don’t know if it was reprinted in the book) makes it: “To hell with Euclid’s beauty bar”!