# Need some advice about losing. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 21, 2018, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092 "2018-01-21T00:38:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2018, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/21 "2018-01-23T11:43:15Z")
How are competitions judged? Are portions judged (you received a 5 on turns and a 4 on the finale) or is it a pass-fail situation? Is it judged by team or individually? I ask because these scores might help to determine your weak areas. Do you have a coach? How often do you practice? How about your partner? Is your partner in the same page as you are? Have you seen yourself dance? Have you actually seen wining competitors dance? You’d be surprised how many people have not _really_ done these two things. Think of football coaches watching films. Ultimately, I’d suggest to determine your end goal. Are you wanting to win just to win or are you willing to get into this full on? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2018, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/22 "2018-01-23T13:50:13Z")
Couple disjointed thoughts: I think use of the term “loser” has increased with our current president. I find that apparent trend undesirable. In my mind, it is ridiculous to describe someone as a loser, simply because they lost one election, or did not succeed in one instance. I play a lot of golf - usually for money, and used to play a lot of poker. I realized that I disliked losing far more than I liked winning. I assumed an attitude of not really caring, so long as the stakes I was playing for were within mu budget. But that has turned into a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, such that I don’t know how to “turn it on” when a little extra effort might make a difference. I see a lot of difficulty in a situation such as yours, where the judging is largely subjective. The only times I really tried to be competitive were against myself - either in running or lifting. Sounds pretty hokey, but I’m convinced that the only real losers are those who don’t get up off of their couches and out of their houses and try. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2018, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/23 "2018-01-23T21:46:15Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > Thank you. I did not grow up with a competitive mindset. I mean i did a little bit of competitive stuff but I always retreated away from it. Because I always felt maybe not good enough internally and just felt like “why try”…as I got older I moved into activities that are only for the most part about “personal bests”. Running, music, yoga, etc. Now I’m in something competitive…it’s probably an area I’m something of a mental-infant in: Handling competitive defeat in an area I care about. I have felt particularly in the last year as I’ve developed my fitness and hit new personal bests, a competitive side is coming out in me. But when I lose I don’t know how to handle it well or process it. I’m looking for advice in that regard. I’m still so introverted and feel like sharing how I feel is just a burden I don’t want to put on others. I went to the gym yesterday afterwards, that was a good thing. I’ll go again soon (as I failed again.) > > The other part of this though is that I wonder if I really need to re-evaluate my personal investment in this activity / goals with this activity. I mean for 4 years it was clear, but everything goes in cycles. I probably should find a way to keep enjoying it, growing, but chillax about everything. Well, yeah, it is cyclical, especially when you don’t achieve your goal when you expected to. Just have to remember, competition isn’t always about winning, sometimes its about evaluating your skill level against others in your field of endeavor and also about learning how to further refine and hone your skills. It can be about learning what your weak areas are so you can work on strengthening those, sometimes you even learn that maybe you don’t have any skills at all in an area you need, but hadn’t even considered. And no where in the world is sharing how you feel going to be less of a burden to others than on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2018, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/24 "2018-01-23T22:49:44Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > I’m going to suggest something a bit different - continue to compete but dance only for yourself, not the judges, not the spectators, just you (and your partner/team if applicable). If it’s feasible (i.e., if you see your actual scores at these events, rather than the judging being purely subjective, or the scores not being announced), you could be “competitive” with yourself, against your own previous performances. As you’ve noted, you’ve put effort into this over several years, and you clearly have improved at it. It’s possible that, as others have noted, you’re competing against people who have literally decades more experience in dance than you do. It is, unfortunately, also possible (as you mention in your OP) that there’s a political or social subtext to the judging. I started running about 8 years ago. I compete in a number of 5K and 10K races every summer. Running has been great for my physical fitness, and I certainly have gotten faster, but I also recognize that I’m probably at a disadvantage compared to (a) people who have run for many years, and (b) people who have an ever better level of overall physical fitness, and running skill, than I do. Sure, I’d love to win my age division in a race; it’s never happened, and I’d be stunned if it ever did (I did, amazingly, get a third-place result a couple of years ago, in a very small race). So, what I do is focus on trying to better my personal record (PR) at that distance…as well as just focusing on spending time outside, exercising, and hanging out with my friends with whom I run. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2018, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/25 "2018-01-24T03:21:45Z")
In the badly quoted words of Sherman T Potter, “The only man you need to be better than, is the man you were yesterday.” ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2018, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/26 "2018-01-24T14:40:22Z")
I’ve had this dream of standing by, watching the builder launch my brand new [Oyster 675](http://www.oysteryachts.com/yachts/fleet/oyster-675) (a 69 foot sailboat) and thereafter sailing it around the world. I’ve giving up thinking I will ever earn the $2.5 million necessary for the boat and the millions necessary to support the adventure. Just not going to happen. I even learned to use a sextant to look cool at the helm. I wish I was 22 and rich, very rich. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2018, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/27 "2018-01-24T15:10:23Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > This may sound a little weird. But I’m seeking advice about losing and giving up on dreams. I’m involved in a dance community called west coast swing. I fell in love with the dance style 4ish years ago. I have practiced, done workshops, taken private lessons, and essentially traveled across North America on dance holidays. I’ve cross trained in other dance styles, become so much more fit, as this dance inspired me to improve it. I eventually trained for a full marathon, did well, and then completed a yoga training. This dance inspired me to change my life. And all those things are wonderful. > > Yet, despite all my work I lose every competition. I feel like it’s time to give up. The best comparison I can give is to figure skating. There is judging drama, and all sorts of things to make me feel like I’m not treated well. When I run and get a better time, I know all my work paid off. Same for lifting weights now, or doing yoga. But this dance thing continually breaks my spirits. Probably cause I love it so much. I was originally a musician and the idea of a music sport used to light me up. Now I feel it’s hurting me. > > Is it ok to give up on a dream? I feel sad. I’d love to be amazing at this, and I put in the work, but maybe it’s just no for me. Do other athletes have thoughts on this? I need help on where to go next. Are you doing your absolute best? The concept of “personal victory” should not be overlooked. My sport is Taekwondo and I went through a dry spell of several years where I would lose every sparring match I competed in. But I kept at it, learned from my opponents, and finally it started clicking and I started winning. Yeah, it was frustrating and I know how you feel. But perseverance is the key, and frankly, if you’re having fun doing it, winning or losing seems to not matter so much as personal improvement does. ---
**Author:** ![peedin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peedin/32/14095_2.png) [@peedin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peedin)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2018, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/28 "2018-01-24T15:42:43Z")
I’ve owned horses for over 30 years, and have shown less than 6 times, one time coming in dead last in a class of 27. I ride because I love riding and horses. It’s not about any ribbons. ---
**Author:** ![Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2018, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092/29 "2018-01-24T16:12:46Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > Yet, despite all my work I lose every competition. You’ve been doing this for 4 years. I suspect the winners have been dancing for a lot longer than four years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-some-advice-about-losing/807092.md?page=1)