# Need to vent about my marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 25, 2016, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041 "2016-02-25T00:42:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/41 "2016-02-25T11:40:25Z")
I’m really glad you worked it out. Maybe you can agree to make the dinner table a DMZ? > [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Then you need to read the OP again. He praised her profusely for serving a great meal, boxing the ears of the kids who didn’t appreciate it. For his troubles he got accused of not being supportive enough. > [@Velocity](#): > > Sounds to me that “praising the meal to the high heavens” \*\*\*is \*\*\*a way of “support for the cook,” no? My point was the boxing the kid’s ears, metaphorically or otherwise, and even praising dinner, wasn’t productive; it turned the dinner table into a battlefield (and the kid won), by the way), ruining a nicely prepared meal for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/42 "2016-02-25T11:46:23Z")
So…do you still have the leftover enchiladas? mmm ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/43 "2016-02-25T12:14:51Z")
> [@edwardcoast](#): > > Find a better one. She might need to go to therapy by herself to address her own issues. But she might need medication too. To get upset to the point of being irrational isn’t normal behavior. Especially if she has admitted she doesn’t know why she gets that way. > > I have a friend who’s wife behaves as you mentioned, and she is taking some type of anti-anxiety medication for it. Before that she would get very irritable for no real reason and lash out at him becoming agitated that would sometimes last for hours or days. One of the problems he said that therapy was able to help her overcome, was to make her realize that when she got that way, the “thing” bothering her wasn’t the reason for her behavior and feelings, it was a brain chemistry thing. Depression can also express itself as irrational anger. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/44 "2016-02-25T14:06:36Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Frankly, I’d have been more angry at her for criticizing my parenting skills in front of my kids. If anything can make a child less respectful toward their parents, it’s that. This. If parents undercut each other in dealing with the kids, all it does is give the kids power to play the parents off against each other, and have more control over situations than is healthy for them. You back the other parent up (or at least don’t say/do anything to detract from what they’re saying) in dealing with the kids directly, then talk out any disagreements in approach when it’s just the two of you. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/45 "2016-02-25T14:11:41Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > My wife and I used to have several such incidents where she would ignore the kids behavior and go after me. > > Yes, bottom line, for her, its easier to go after YOU than the kids. > _ **snip** _ > My wife needed to #1. stop blaming me for problems with the kids and #2 grow a backbone and discipline the kids herself. This rang true to me. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/46 "2016-02-25T14:32:02Z")
> [@Sterling\_Archer](#): > > WHAT THE HELL. I think this relationship is doomed. I have stayed in it too long. (married 15 years!) And yet you seem new to the concept of “marriage”.😃 Have you tried…you know…giving it to her…sexually? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/47 "2016-02-25T14:33:04Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Depression can also express itself as irrational anger. Marriage can also express itself as rational depression:( ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/48 "2016-02-25T14:51:27Z")
ETA: I’d also suggest being matter-of-fact with the picky kids so they don’t get to control meals. This is the dinner selection. You can eat it, or go hungry. If you whine or complain, you go to your room. We are not discussing if you don’t like the food, because it’s rude and not how polite people behave. You are only allowed to say “no thank you” if you don’t want a particular item. If you don’t like anything, tough. Then you aren’t hungry. Worked with my nephew. > [@BrightSunshine](#): > > Was one of her parents always negative about something? My mother was like this, it has taken me great effort to unlearn this behavior and find the positives of the moment. THIS! It took me ages to stop responding to every perceived slight as my mom would. Step one: stop seeing slights in every interaction… ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/49 "2016-02-25T14:56:57Z")
> [@edwardcoast](#): > > Nah. That’s for weaklings and losers. Go solve your problem, don’t hide from it. Couples therapy. That was a joke. Well, more like hyperbolic emotion. I don’t, nor have I ever, smoked pot. ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/50 "2016-02-25T15:01:21Z")
> [@j666](#): > > My point was the boxing the kid’s ears, metaphorically or otherwise, and even praising dinner, wasn’t productive; it turned the dinner table into a battlefield (and the kid won), by the way), ruining a nicely prepared meal for everyone. You’re still wrong. She thanked me repeatedly for defending her and for doing a great job with the kids. When the dinner table started to become a “battlefield” (nobody swore by the way, just general rudeness and disrespect) the child was sent away from the table. The meal was ruined, but not by me. It was all fairly standard stuff until her comment. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/51 "2016-02-25T15:32:10Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > ETA: I’d also suggest being matter-of-fact with the picky kids so they don’t get to control meals. This is the dinner selection. You can eat it, or go hungry. Seconding this. I am glad this is worked out. Next time, if she says “I didn’t hear a Thank You” after you said “Thank You” you might consider responding “Thank you for dinner - it is very good”. My $.02 worth, and cheap at half the price. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/52 "2016-02-25T16:01:52Z")
Sometimes my wife needs to remind me that I’m supposed to be on her side. I never actively oppose her but I often fail to make it clear that I am actually supporting her. She used to express this in other ways, but I never quite understood until she put it in terms of “sides.” Maybe you just need to remind your wife that you’re on the same team. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/53 "2016-02-25T16:09:58Z")
You are being way over dramatic. Her comment was an “attack”, kids not complaining about food as “major behavior issues”, she “always” goes against you an “ANY” issues dealing with “ANY” discipline. You were wanting to have your kids grow up without an intact family because your wife had one piece of criticism. Your catastrophizing and over dramatic way of thinking is causing you to “lose it”. You need to deescalate your thinking and get control of your emotions. Kids are going to be picky eaters, and wives are going to complain about stupid things, that is just the way of the world. No need to go to Defcon 5 over trivialities. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/54 "2016-02-25T16:16:43Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > No need to go to Defcon 5 over trivialities. Hate to be “that guy,”…but you probably mean DEFCON-1, not 5. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/55 "2016-02-25T16:35:51Z")
> [@edwardcoast](#): > > Chicken enchiladas? Yuck! I’m with the kids on this one. The meal was no good, and no amount of you telling them it is good is going to change it. How dare you marry a woman who doesn’t know how to property prepare food for children. I’m embarrassed for you just reading this. As for the kids, if she tries to feed them anything less than gooey pizza, you should consider putting them up for adoption to further shield. > > Seriously, you two need to go to couples therapy. Chicken enchiladas are the worstest. They make me puke. Honestly anything other than corn dogs or chicken nuggets is disgusting and anyone who eats anything other than that is a horrible human being. And adoption is too good for these kids. I would just drive them hundreds of miles out into the wilderness and push them out of the car and let them fend for themselves. > [@j666](#): > > and even praising dinner, wasn’t productive; it turned the dinner table into a battlefield (and the kid won), by the way), ruining a nicely prepared meal for everyone. Exactly. Praising someone for something they have done is never a good idea. The last time someone praised me for doing an excellent job I punched them in the face several times and put them in the hospital. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/56 "2016-02-25T16:39:52Z")
May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. They are responsible for all making and cleaning up of the peanut butter sandwich. The dinner they don’t eat becomes leftovers you or she can take for lunch. I suspect the issue is that your kids are at a trying age, and you pick battles she has decided to drop - she picks battles you have decided to drop. Drop the dinner battle. Its inconsequential in the scheme of things and adds a point of conflict. And its too easy for her to believe its about her - its easy to escalate into “no one appreciates me.” IMHO, manners is an important battle to fight (the “I don’t like it” whine gets you sent up to your room with no dinner - they won’t starve in one night), cleaning up public spaces (if you want to keep your room dirty, fine - but you pick your coat up off the floor of the family room), getting your homework and chores done. Not doing drugs (don’t make the joint comment aloud until your kids are in their 20s) But you and her have got to decide which are the important battles to fight. And divorce wouldn’t lessen the friction there when you let the kids do something she doesn’t and she snipes at you when she has them for it. Or she lets them get away with something you don’t want them to do. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/57 "2016-02-25T16:50:24Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > You are being way over dramatic. Her comment was an “attack”, kids not complaining about food as “major behavior issues”, she “always” goes against you an “ANY” issues dealing with “ANY” discipline. I gotta agree with this. I’m reading through the OP, seeing a fairly typical (not common, but typical) situation and then suddenly > [@Sterling\_Archer](#): > > WHAT THE HELL. I think this relationship is doomed. I have stayed in it too long. (married 15 years!) She always always always goes against me when there is ANY conflict, ANY discipline issue with the kids, I am the bad guy. I can’t keep doing this anymore. Holy shit. You need a plan in place the next time this happens, because it’s going to happen again. In my case, I had to decide that I was just going to love my wife; when she gets (IMHO) irrational, I do everything I can to force myself to double down on niceness. It’s hard and I fail frequently, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Every marriage is different and if overlooking someone’s irrational behavior stops being a two-way street, I wouldn’t want to encourage anyone to be a doormat. But if your marriage is built on a foundation of mutual effort then fighting fire with kindness can work wonders. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/58 "2016-02-25T17:26:16Z")
> [@Sterling\_Archer](#): > > You’re still wrong. She thanked me repeatedly for defending her and for doing a great job with the kids. When the dinner table started to become a “battlefield” (nobody swore by the way, just general rudeness and disrespect) the child was sent away from the table. > > The meal was ruined, but not by me. It was all fairly standard stuff until her comment. I don’t think that this is entirely accurate. I’ll stipulate that it wasn’t your “fault,” inasmuch as you didn’t _instigate_ the conflict, but I don’t think that you can reasonably state that you didn’t _escalate_ the conflict. I think that a fair case could be made that the escalation contributed to the “ruining” of the meal as much as anything else. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/59 "2016-02-25T17:55:56Z")
> [@Reluctant\_A](#): > > I don’t think that this is entirely accurate. I’ll stipulate that it wasn’t your “fault,” inasmuch as you didn’t _instigate_ the conflict, but I don’t think that you can reasonably state that you didn’t _escalate_ the conflict. I think that a fair case could be made that the escalation contributed to the “ruining” of the meal as much as anything else. Been there, on the irrational wife side. I want a quiet meal. The kids are snippy. I can ignore snippy kids and have decided to ignore snippy. What I can’t ignore is my husband deciding that tonight dinner needs to be full of conflict over snippy kids. Kids don’t eat, fine. Kids don’t eat and whine, fine. Husband starts arguing about it with the kids, the straw has broken the camels back. I know its nearly impossible to read someone elses mind, but marriages are made off of “I’m sorry, I should have realized you were near the end of your rope.” Then start really looking for the signals that the end of the rope is near. There are always signals. (For me, my hands get really fidgety, but I start tuning out things so the risk of getting set off goes down - when I start acting nervous and ignoring things, then its DE escalation time, not time to notch it up over picky eaters. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/60 "2016-02-25T17:58:47Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. They are responsible for all making and cleaning up of the peanut butter sandwich. The dinner they don’t eat becomes leftovers you or she can take for lunch. Working with kids with aspergers and autism, that is what often happens. It doesnt matter if its the best thanksgiving meal anywhere and you’ve spent all day cooking it, sometimes all the kids will eat is … Dang frustrating I know. Or you could try the old tried and never works “you should eat that because their are starving children somewhere” bit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041.md?page=4)