# Need to vent about my marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 25, 2016, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041 "2016-02-25T00:42:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/61 "2016-02-25T18:56:46Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. They are responsible for all making and cleaning up of the peanut butter sandwich. This. The children should also be responsible for washing the paper plate and plastic knife. ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/62 "2016-02-25T18:57:12Z")
Yes, I was being overdramatic in the OP. That’s what venting is all about. This is a “safe” way for me to get it out there. During the situation, I didn’t jump up and scream “WHAT THE HELL”, you are hearing my inner dialogue. And yes, I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly. I agree with all of you. There is a pattern here, that certainly influenced my reaction. Plus it was a heightened situation due to dealing with rude children at the time. Some of you seem to still think my wife was upset with me over how I was handling the kids. Unless she is flat-out lying to me, which would be an even bigger problem, she has expressed very clearly that she had nothing but pride and love and positive feelings for me… and then she said something that was directed at me, she says she doesn’t know where it comes from, but I agree with others here that I am an “easier” target than the kids in a way. She struggles a LOT with proper discipline. I am usually left to be the disciplinarian and she just walks away when the kids misbehave. And yes that is another problem we have talked about in counseling. No, it doesn’t change anything. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/63 "2016-02-25T19:15:58Z")
> [@Sterling\_Archer](#): > > Some of you seem to still think my wife was upset with me over how I was handling the kids. Unless she is flat-out lying to me, which would be an even bigger problem, she has expressed very clearly that she had nothing but pride and love and positive feelings for me… and then she said something that was directed at me\*\*, she says she doesn’t know where it comes from\*\*… (bolding mine) I think what some posters are trying to get across is that stress is a likely trigger for her uncharitable comments. It’s not so much how you were handling them that is the issue. It’s the tension that was created at the table that caused her gasket to blow. That doesn’t explain why she says the things she says, of course. But stress could explain where the loss of control is coming from. You say this is a habit of hers. Does it tend to happen whenever there is a conflict or negative emotions are in the air? I agree too that it’s probably easier for to take her frustration out on you then on the kids. It’s also possible that she felt super bad for provoking the kids to act up by cooking something too exotic, once again. Instead of hearing the validation that you were giving her, all she could hear was negative self-talk. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/64 "2016-02-25T19:27:38Z")
Not sure if you and your wife do this but may I suggest that the children learn to cook with you both. If the wife makes supper alone and serves it, the others in the family can treat it as if in a restaurant. No matter what age a child can do something in the kitchen to help prepare the family meal. And you will be surprised what a difference it will make when all have invested in feeding the family. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/65 "2016-02-25T19:55:24Z")
I’m glad things worked out. I think **HMS** had a good point, though: > [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > If she’s tired of being the one judged for her cooking, maybe you need to cook the meal and see how it feels to get judged by your children for presenting an insufficient meal. It kind of pisses you off. One day isn’t such a big deal, but imagine that for 300 days. If you don’t already, maybe make dinner occasionally. She might not be aware that she resents it, but might become aware if she doesn’t have to do it sometimes. And maybe it does feel different if the boys are being little shits about your dinner, even though you were very supportive of your wife when they were little shits to her. At worst, you’ll probably get sex out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/66 "2016-02-25T20:29:49Z")
> [@Happy\_Fun\_Ball](#): > > Sounds like you guys need to talk. Have you ever said this to her? > > It would be a good place to start. It is better to see if this can be worked out than kept inside until you don’t give a shit and just leave. Better for you, better for her and better for your kids. Maybe it won’t work, but I would hit it head on just to move on from the place you are currently on. > > Also, just saying, in your communications it is better to not be on the defensive. By this I mean you shouldn’t say “no, you are wrong (I am defending you. I said thank you. Whatever.)”, say instead “I am sorry you feel this way, that was not my intention, I thought I was was being grateful, I will take you feelings to heart and try to be better next time.” This diffuses the situation and then you can get your issues worked out by saying how you feel: “I feel like you are always against me”, not “You are always against me”. See what I mean? > > Good luck to you. Marriages are tough and I have felt the same thing you are feeling if the details are a bit different. It is possible to salvage this if you are thoughtful about it and want to. > > HFB - Married for 21 years. I don’t really think that’s the best example of an “I” statement. I understand what you’re getting at, but when you just change “You” to “I feel like,” you are still saying the exact same thing. I statements are supposed to be modeled as such. “When you [behavior here], that makes me feel [an actual emotion here].” So for example, in this case, “Whenever there’s a disciplinary issue and you take a position against me, I feel abandoned/hurt/betrayed/defensive. How can we communicate better and work together better as a team?” You don’t just say, “I feel you do this.” You might as well just say, “You do this thing.” It’s still an accusation and not a statement about how you _feel_. One exercise I encountered in therapy was learning to separate thoughts from feelings. What is an emotion? What is an opinion? Are opinions the same thing as emotions? I had to learn to recategorize, because I was framing my opinions and facts as if they were my emotions. This helped me connect with and process my emotions because I wasn’t confusing my opinions with my feelings. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/67 "2016-02-25T20:39:34Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Heck your easy because she knows she can always control you with sex. > [@bup](#): > > At worst, you’ll probably get sex out of it. :rolleyes: :dubious: :rolleyes: (not going to elaborate, that would belong to another thread, but really…) ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/68 "2016-02-25T20:45:47Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. They are responsible for all making and cleaning up of the peanut butter sandwich. The dinner they don’t eat becomes leftovers you or she can take for lunch. That’s sort of what we have, except it’s the Cheerios rule, and there’s no after-dinner treat if they don’t eat a good dinner of whatever we made that night. Last night they rejected homemade pizza, ferChrissake. Of course, “a good dinner” became a point of controversy: “Can I eat three more bites and get a treat? I don’t like the beans, what if I just eat the onions? Two onions? BUT I DON’T WANT TWO ONIONS!” This week I’ve switched to the clean plate rule: I’ll get you a small serving, and you need to eat everything on the plate if you want a treat, no discussion. It’s worked pretty well, except for the time when my older girl told me she’d finished dinner, and when I got up to clear my plate, I noticed the three uneaten orange slices under her chair… ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/69 "2016-02-25T20:51:45Z")
The whole “thank you” thing - you said it when she served you the meal, right? Perhaps she didn’t “hear” you because it was a reflexive thing for you- the same way some people reflexively say thank you whenever they are handed something. A reflexive “thank you” is not the same ass being grateful or thankful for the meal. I don’t know what to say about opening her mouth and not knowing where the snark came from. And praising the meal to the heavens should have been an ample demonstration of your gratitude for the meal. But if you only said “thanks, honey” absentmindedly when handed the plate (and maybe you said it with great gratitude and enthusiasm, i don’t know) I can see that not registering with her. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/70 "2016-02-25T21:10:46Z")
As the person who does all of the cooking in my house, I think I get the wife’s anger. You know it is not easy to try to come up with 6-7 nutritious, interesting and tasty meals every week - often when everyone else in the house is relaxing after a hard day of school or work (I work full time too). They just expect me to do all of the cooking which does take time. Most of the time I’m happy to do so but I don’t get thank yous because like I said, they just expect it. The frustration just builds up like when my step-son said “but you like to cook” and my reply was “Yeah. And I also like to sit on my ass and do nothing at the end of the day like y’all do.” The worst blowup was one Sunday. I always make breakfast for Mrs. Cad and she said I should make breakfast for the boys too. I lost it. “I cook every day. Maybe I’d like someone to cook for me on a Sunday morning. WHEN THE FUCK HAVE THEY EVER MADE **ME** A SUNDAY BREAKFAST!” So maybe it’s not that night but rather all the other nights you never thanked her or acknowledged her effort while you relaxed and she worked to cook your family’s dinner. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/71 "2016-02-25T21:37:41Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > No need to go to Defcon 5 over trivialities. ObPedantry: DefCon 5 is normal day-to-day operations. You managed to undercut yourself, unless you’re being too ironic for your own good. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/72 "2016-02-25T22:07:43Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > That’s sort of what we have, except it’s the Cheerios rule, and there’s no after-dinner treat if they don’t eat a good dinner of whatever we made that night. Last night they rejected homemade pizza, ferChrissake. > > Of course, “a good dinner” became a point of controversy: “Can I eat three more bites and get a treat? I don’t like the beans, what if I just eat the onions? Two onions? BUT I DON’T WANT TWO ONIONS!” This week I’ve switched to the clean plate rule: I’ll get you a small serving, and you need to eat everything on the plate if you want a treat, no discussion. > > It’s worked pretty well, except for the time when my older girl told me she’d finished dinner, and when I got up to clear my plate, I noticed the three uneaten orange slices under her chair… We don’t tend to do after dinner treats, so never had that issue. Once in a while there is dessert, or a bowl of ice cream or cookies sometime between dinner and bedtime, but generally I try not to even keep that stuff in the house. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/73 "2016-02-25T22:23:14Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > She told you that she wants to hear “thank you”. Evidently saying it once is not sufficient, so say it twice. There’s someone in my life who almost can’t hear compliments and thanks. She desperately WANTS to hear them but it’s like her ears aren’t tuned to the frequency on which they get spoken. So then she fishes for a compliment / feedback and I repeat it. But my suspicion is that at this point she thinks I’m only saying it because she asked, so it still isn’t real to her. That may have no bearing on the OP’s situation. His wife’s pissiness may have nothing to do with being thanked. It may (for example) be that she once had other plans for her life and isn’t happy and is mad at herself for not pursuing her dreams and that makes her more miserable and she just needs someone safe to attack. Or she thinks the way the OP is speaking to the kids is too authoritarian (or too verbose or too condescending or whatever) and she’s trying to distract him from this “major discipline problem”. Speaking of which, the rule in our house growing up was that we had to TRY the new food. But we were never forced to eat anything we didn’t LIKE. “Try” didn’t mean “eat a whole plate of it”. I can’t imagine any person with feelings not loving enchiladas, unless they were cooked with American cheese and sweet relish or something, but I respect anyone’s right to dislike a new food that they’ve tried. It also strikes me that if _enchiladas_ is a new and unusual food, y’all seriously need to try new foods more often. Octopus. Collard greens. Achiote. Antelope. Get those kids going for a month with no food-repeats. (And if they don’t like it they don’t have to eat it, but _they_ can cook something else for themselves, also a good thing). ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2016, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/74 "2016-02-25T23:07:53Z")
Man I love how people assume stuff. Where did several of you get the idea that my wife does all the cooking? Usually we cook together. Sometimes I do all the cooking. It’s a modern household sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/75 "2016-02-26T00:42:39Z")
When my daughter didn’t like what I made for dinner I told her she could cook her own dinner. She was old enough to use the stove at 12 yo. It sound like your wife need to find something else to do beside being a mother and wife. Does she have a job or is she a stay at home mom? When was the last time the 2 of you were able to go out for dinner alone , it sound like you 2 are in a rut . ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/76 "2016-02-26T00:52:54Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich… I was given two dinner choices as a kid: take it or leave it. I didn’t starve. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/77 "2016-02-26T01:14:33Z")
Sounds like you’re talking way too much to the kids about food. This is a no win battle. I’d go with the “take a taste and eat peanut butter (or whatever) if you don’t like it, but we aren’t going to sit here discussing it.” A marriage counselor we did not see told me that a lot of couples therapy is wasted because the couples suck at communicating. She suggested a couples communication weekend–apparently that’s a thing. You might check it out–ask a therapist you and your wife more or less liked. I’ve been like your wife. It took me a long time to figure out what a pain on the ass I was being. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/78 "2016-02-26T03:31:22Z")
> [@bup](#): > > I’m glad things worked out. I think **HMS** had a good point, though: > > If you don’t already, maybe make dinner occasionally. She might not be aware that she resents it, but might become aware if she doesn’t have to do it sometimes. And maybe it does feel different if the boys are being little shits about your dinner, even though you were very supportive of your wife when they were little shits to her. > > At worst, you’ll probably get sex out of it. I somehow that the same woman who hamstrung/attacked him for praising/defending her cooking is going to be getting any yum-yum for cooking a meal. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/79 "2016-02-26T03:35:39Z")
Does she mention “that woman who threw her kids out the window?” I’ve been watching the \*\*Sopranos \*\*a lot lately, and have been hearing a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder, and wondering if the symptoms match up. IIRC, somebody who needs constant reassurance, when they get it, tries to sabotage same. ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2016, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041/80 "2016-02-26T03:40:10Z")
I’m going to take a minority view here: it’s not her. There’s something very important that you’re missing. I think where you went wrong in the first place was going after the kids about their lack of praise for the food. Food is a very subjective experience. If they don’t like it, they don’t like it. As a parent, you can try to make them eat it. But no, you can’t actually tell them there’s nothing wrong with the food and therefore it’s just fine and expect them to take you seriously. Your wife probably doesn’t take your side because you’re not really relating to how your kids feel about things. And you don’t seem to be getting her either. That’s not a personality defect or character defect, it’s just something you have to realize you aren’t getting and work on it. Of course its possible that she has the same problem, as her response wasn’t really grounded in reality. It’s not uncommon for families to completely fail to understand each other. But start with the understanding that while you have every right to make kids eat what they are served, they have the right to not like it, your assurances that it’s fine notwithstanding. Everyone has foods they just don’t like, no matter how well made. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/need-to-vent-about-my-marriage/747041.md?page=5)