# 'Net Etiquette: Was I wrong to be upset?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [October 9, 2016, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038 "2016-10-09T06:21:10Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/21 "2016-10-09T16:43:17Z")
> [@Lamia](#):
>
> No.
>
> I’ve been communicating online for about 25 years now (!), and I would not consider this sort of thing a breach of “Netiquette” nor have I ever previously encountered anyone who said they thought it was. It’s perhaps slightly – but only slightly – clumsy. When it comes to basic good manners then blowing up over something so minor, or delivering a lecture about how the newb is doing things wrong, is much, much worse.
>
> If I saw that a friend had posted about her medical problems and that someone else had said they were sending her a PM I’d assume this was to offer comfort/advice/prayers that she didn’t want to make public. It would not even occur to me to wonder whether she wanted to talk about me behind my back, and I would not be particularly interested in the content of the PM. Since Facebook does not IMHO handle PMs very well – I think you can’t even see them on a device unless you download a separate app? – this woman may have been concerned that her PM would be missed if she didn’t say she was sending one. Or she may not have had time to write a heartfelt PM at that moment but wanted to at least give some indication that she was thinking of your wife and would be in touch later.
Me too. Also been online 25 years, and am an avid Facebooker.
---
### Author:  [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/22 "2016-10-09T16:50:17Z")
No, it doesn’t sound right. Your paranoia caused you to lash out at that poor woman who didn’t do anything wrong.
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### Author:  [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/23 "2016-10-09T16:52:27Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#):
>
> Why did your wife need to post on her Facebook page that she appreciates your support? Is this how you decide where to go to dinner or the movies?
>
> Are you not capable of old-fashioned communications (i.e., facing each other and talking out loud)?
It’s not uncommon for people to post tributes to their spouses on Facebook. It’s kind of gross.
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### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/24 "2016-10-09T17:26:23Z")
Listen, it was a serious breach of netiquette, no question. But you can repair it, sending a message something like this:
> [@](#):
>
> Hey, Paula [or whatever],
>
> Listen, I am really sorry about my past two PMs. I acted terribly, and I can only chalk it up to being really stressed about my wife’s illness. If you can bring yourself to forgive me, I’ll greatly appreciate it; if you can find a way to lose those two messages, especially my bullshit “apology” one, I’ll be super in your debt.
>
> Thanks, I’ll try to be a better person.
As for the purported “breach of netiquette” that she committed, it’s nonexistent. I’ve been online since the late eighties, on BBSs back when modems were 200 baud, and I’ve never encountered a rule like the one you made up to describe to her. I’ve read many pages describing netiquette in my day, and that rule has appeared nowhere. She acted impeccably, comforting a friend. You acted indefensibly.
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### Author:  [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/25 "2016-10-09T17:30:16Z")
Did you miss a “not” in your first sentence?
In my mind it’s nothing worse than walking up to a few people talking and saying “can I borrow you for a minute?” It would never occur to me they were off to talk about me in private.
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### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/26 "2016-10-09T17:30:40Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#):
>
> He might want to see if anything develops.
> mmm
Dude, way to put a negative spin on it.
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### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/27 "2016-10-09T17:32:52Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#):
>
> Did you miss a “not” in your first sentence?
Who, me? Nope: there was definitely a massive breach of netiquette. It consisted of firing off an angry email to someone who was innocently comforting a friend. It didn’t consist of innocently comforting a friend.
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### Author:  [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/28 "2016-10-09T17:34:35Z")
Right. Gotcha. My bad.
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### Author:  [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/29 "2016-10-09T17:37:58Z")
I have been online for many, many years, and nope, I am not seeing any breach here on HER part.
Is it clumsy? Yeah a little. (As was said upthread) but hardly some sort of rude behavior. Again, at least on HER part.
Also, I see people tag spouses or family members all the time in posts where they are talking about “if it weren’t for the loving support of \ then I don’t know what I would do.” Pretty common.
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### Author:  [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/30 "2016-10-09T18:55:20Z")
I don’t see any sort of breach of etiquette here at all, and I’d be a bit confused - at best - by your patronising messages.
In particular, if the person who commented that they had sent a PM is not one of your wife’s friends on Facebook, her PM is likely to be sent to a more obscure part of Facebook’s messaging system. So commenting like that is a (common, in my exerience) way of saying “Hey, I sent you a message, but you’ll need to look in that daft separate inbox thing for it” in those circumstances. Which makes your paranoid, patronising rant even less comprehensible.
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### Author:  [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/31 "2016-10-09T19:36:44Z")
Adding to the chorus, she was not rude. It’s common for me to see “PM sent” messages on Facebook. It never occurred to me to consider it rude. As to why people do this? Got me. I’ve always just assumed it’s to publicly show “I care” without going into details.
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### Author:  [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/32 "2016-10-09T19:47:08Z")
Maybe the woman wanted to show support for your wife - perhaps through telling her own story, without splashing personal private details of her own medical struggles all over a public forum.
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### Author:  [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/33 "2016-10-09T21:04:44Z")
> [@pulykamell](#):
>
> Adding to the chorus, she was not rude. It’s common for me to see “PM sent” messages on Facebook. It never occurred to me to consider it rude. As to why people do this? Got me. I’ve always just assumed it’s to publicly show “I care” without going into details.
FB constantly changes the way its message alerts happen. Previously you’d get a little note on the page itself, and an email. Now you might get an email a day or two later, but only if you’re already friends with the person. Less frequently you get a notification on the page. If you’re not friends, the message goes into an ‘other’ folder (one of two) that doesn’t give any kind of notification at all- you actually have to go into the message page and select a different tab. For someone who isn’t super computer savvy (or distracted), it’s easy to miss a PM, which is why most people default to “Sending PM.”
**LHOD** had the best answer, IMNSHO. I would love to know what the first angry response (the one before the condescending apology) said. “Hey, stop trying to comfort my wife behind my back AND mind your own business about the fact that I’ve actually been in love with your daughter for 20 years, you bitch!” :rolleyes:
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### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [October 9, 2016, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/34 "2016-10-09T21:28:20Z")
To add: even if there HAD been a breach of netiquette, it almost certainly wouldn’t warrant an angry email, much less a fake apology that further criticizes.
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### Author:  [@Crazyhorse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazyhorse)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/35 "2016-10-10T07:55:16Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#):
>
> Basic scenario:
>
> Somebody said something on my Facebook feed that I perceived as a massive breach of “Netiquette”. I fired off an angry private message to that person. Later, I realized I had overreacted, and sent an apology for my previous message. I also explained her breach of “Netiquette”, so she’d understand why I was upset.
>
> But was I right?
>
> More detailed:
>
> My wife, who is going through some major medical problems, posted on her own Facebook page about how much she appreciates my support. Then she shared her post to my page.
>
> A woman from my Friends list replied to her post, on my page, with this:
>
> “I’m sending you a PM.”
>
> That’s it, nothing else.
>
> I happened to be in a bad “head space” when I saw that, and fired off my angry message.
>
> In my apology, I explained her “breach” this way. I mentioned that I momentarily forgot that not everybody has spent as much time communicating online as I have, and so may not be aware of certain “rules of etiquette” for online conversation. Then I explained that entering a conversation and saying nothing but, “I’m sending you a PM” is the online equivalent of starting a whispered conversation right in front of other people. You might be saying something completely innocent, but everybody else is going to wonder, “Is she talking about me? What is she saying?”
>
> Does that sound right to you? It makes perfect sense to me.
>
> But here’s the kicker that I didn’t mention to her.
>
> Some of you may recall a thread I posted about a younger woman for whom I (secretly) carried a torch for many, many years. That young woman (who, hopefully, has no clue) has befriended my wife, and has been eagerly and wonderfully helpful with our getting married. She’s been our photographer, and did a lot of work with helping with our catering. And she’s helped my wife out in other ways.
>
> The Facebook commenter in question is that young woman’s mother.
>
> So I saw her “I’m sending you a PM” and completely panicked. As in, “OMG, somehow she picked up on the fact that I was attracted to her daughter, despite my deliberate efforts to give no clue, and now she’s telling my horribly insecure wife about it!”
>
> Sometimes, I think I think too much.
Just that you’re even still using the term “netiquette” is really dating yourself in terms of your perceptions about how online communication works on the internet today.
To be that far out of touch with Facebook norms and then pretend to apologize for a misguided PM by ‘educating’ this poor woman about how much more you know than she does about the interwebs is pretty comical.
As for harboring a years-long secret attraction to a much younger woman who happens to be this woman’s daughter, and someone you and your wife both remain in close contact with even today while it remains a secret from all of them including your wife: IMHO it isn’t her, her mother, or your wife that will be responsible for any awkward Facebook moments you might ever have as a result. Good luck with all that.
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### Author:  [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/36 "2016-10-10T08:38:03Z")
People will post something like “sending you a PM” to publicly show that they are supporting a person, whilst keeping the details of that support private. It’s just the crazy world we live in these days, where \*\*how we are seen to behave by others \*\*is more important to us than **how we actually behave**.
> [@](#):
>
> In my apology, I explained her “breach” this way. I mentioned that I momentarily forgot that not everybody has spent as much time communicating online as I have, and so may not be aware of certain “rules of etiquette” for online conversation. Then I explained that entering a conversation and saying nothing but, “I’m sending you a PM” is the online equivalent of starting a whispered conversation right in front of other people. You might be saying something completely innocent, but everybody else is going to wonder, “Is she talking about me? What is she saying?”
>
> Does that sound right to you? It makes perfect sense to me.
No, that doesn’t sound right to me. To me, it is the equivalent of saying to someone “I need to catch you later to discuss something”.
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### Author:  [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/37 "2016-10-10T09:59:39Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#):
>
> Why did your wife need to post on her Facebook page that she appreciates your support? Is this how you decide where to go to dinner or the movies?
>
> Are you not capable of old-fashioned communications (i.e., facing each other and talking out loud)?
It can come in handy.
Friday night we were at a blues bar enjoying _Little Ed & The Blues Imperials._ Great band, good crowd, pretty loud.
GF discretely checked in on Facebook, tagging me, and mentioning how nice it was to see my buddy Gil in the crowd.
My phone vibrated, I saw her check-in, looked around and spotted Gil for the first time. I later worked my way over to Gil and we caught up between sets. So, yeah.
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### Author:  [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/38 "2016-10-10T11:10:33Z")
> [@kayaker](#):
>
> It can come in handy.
>
> Friday night we were at a blues bar enjoying _Little Ed & The Blues Imperials._ Great band, good crowd, pretty loud.
>
> GF discretely checked in on Facebook, tagging me, and mentioning how nice it was to see my buddy Gil in the crowd.
>
> My phone vibrated, I saw her check-in, looked around and spotted Gil for the first time. I later worked my way over to Gil and we caught up between sets. So, yeah.
I’m confused, why couldn’t your GF have…spoken to you?
Unless I’m being whoosed?
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### Author:  [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/39 "2016-10-10T11:22:01Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#):
>
> I’m confused, why couldn’t your GF have…spoken to you?
> Unless I’m being whoosed?
It was LOUD and we were enjoying the music.
Beyond that, I wear a hearing aid that makes it difficult/impossible to converse in loud settings.
---
### Author:  [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)
#### Post date: [October 10, 2016, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/net-etiquette-was-i-wrong-to-be-upset/768038/40 "2016-10-10T13:38:02Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#):
>
> People will post something like “sending you a PM” to publicly show that they are supporting a person, whilst keeping the details of that support private. It’s just the crazy world we live in these days, where \*\*how we are seen to behave by others \*\*is more important to us than **how we actually behave**.
I think that is needlessly harsh. First, one can do both- be seen supporting someone and actually supporting them as well.
In some circumstances, showing that you are supporting someone is very important, especially if it’s a possibly controversial circumstance (coming out, having a family crisis, revealing an illness with a stigma attached). It sends the message to the larger community that this individual is being supported.
It can let other people in the circle of friends know who they can reach out to (reach out to everyone who posted to organize meals or family help, for example).
It can feel good to the person needing support to show they are surrounded by caring people. Sure, they can read the private note, but it can feel good to scroll down through your Facebook feed and see all the names and words.
Finally, it can alert the person to even look for a message. If they don’t use facebook messenger often, and not have notifications set up, they may not even know to look.
So sure, it can be done for shallow reasons, but it’s an unfair de facto assumption.
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