Truthfully, I don’t do it because I think my kids’ relationship with each other is far more important than their relationship with me. So however motivating it may be for any individual child (and for some people it really is) I don’t think it’s worth the price for that particular whistle.
Anything I have to say to my kids can be said without bringing their sib into it, at least so far. So the question isn’t “why not do it” but rather “why do it” it seems to me.
There is also the fact that comparisons are made all day, all around, by everybody. Their teachers, other family members, their friends, themselves even. My two sons are (f’r instance) often referred to in conversation about them as “day” and “night” by my sisters. This is an accurate observation on many levels in our case, but the words of a parent carry a different kind of value judgment than those of an aunt so and I do not use the nicknames. I call them “snow white” and “rose red” instead. *
There’s no getting around comparisons. But I try not to make them in my children’s presence. I don’t see the upside and I do see then downside.
Kidding. I call them by any number of endearments, some of which refer to the fact that there are two of them – I call them thing one and thing two now and again, or Primo and Secundo. But they are nicknames that are about their sameness, not their relative attributes
My mother somehow managed the reverse; all six of us secretly believed we were her favorite but never told the others because it would hurt them. We figured it out when Youngest was about eighteen. Mom just laughed her butt off.
As often happens in these discussions, I think people tend to forget that children are immature. An adult may think an innocuous comparisons between the behavior of two people might be a useful and motivating tool. To a child (which includes teens), this is a comparison of the worth of each child. Just look at the examples of adults posting here, still seething with resentment over the comparisons their own parents made.
I agree with dinsale and those who have said that children should be expected to perform their duties whether or not the sibling does. Each child has duties. Sometimes it may look unfair to the other one; kids are always too, too quick to see inequities. Even if you’re raising twins, you can’t be 100% fair and equal all the time (just ask my mother, who’s pretty damn near 100% fair and raised five kids, including a set of twins).
My point is – don’t compare. They’re too young to see your point, and there are other standards you can use.
I’m a parent of one so it doesn’t apply to me, but I was the youngest of four and I have definite opinions on the ineffectiveness of comparisons like that.
While Mom might have said “Sis accomplishes XYZ and why can’t you?” and felt it was a reasonable thing to acknowledge, I would have heard “Sis is so much better than you.” Why in the world would I want to work harder to accomplish still not measuring up to my sibling? After all, even if I had somehow managed the same tasks, it would have been only after Mom getting on me about it, so Sis would still come out ‘better’ see?
Reasonable response? No, not at all, but since when are children reasonable?
When I was compared to my younger sister in that way, I really resented it. It was like they thought she was perfect and I was a screw-up who wasn’t good enough. I think the feeling of always being in competition with her and what I did about it (basically, chose only activities that Perfect Sis wasn’t in- if she took gymnastics, that meant I couldn’t take it, so our parents couldn’t compare us directly, because I was sure I’d never measure up) made me less close to her than I might otherwise have been. We’re still not terribly close now, and we’re 31 and 29, respectively.
I don’t think it did much for my self-esteem or my relationship with my parents, either. Kids really do hear “you should be like your sister, because she’s better than you and we love her more” when you compare them, or at least I did. I know now that that isn’t what they meant, but I didn’t know that then, and it really did hurt my feelings much more than being lectured about having to do whatever chore (without her being mentioned) would have. And not in a way that motivated me to do whatever it was- I felt that “I’ll never measure up, whatever I do she’ll do something better, so why try?” I was probably too good a kid to not do it as a result, but I’d have done a really half-assed job and made sure they had to remind me to do it at least a couple of times before I did.
And parent-child and sibling dynamics aren’t necessarily reasonable, either, even after everyone’s grown up. Read a Sampiro thread for an entertaining, if somewhat extreme, example.
My parents never really compared my sister and I; we were just TOO DIFFERENT. I was a tomboy, I refused to wear anything other than jeans and T-shirts (when I got into ROTC I wore my uniform to the Navy Ball instead of a dress…boy did that annoy my date), I had an excellent right hook, I could do pull ups…and on top of it I got really good grades.
My sister, on the other hand, while incredibly smart, saw what people expected of me because I was smart, and pretended to be stupid. I’m not sure which of the two of us got the better deal on that one.
Anyway, she was girly - to the extreme. My parents couldn’t compare us - my parents wouldn’t have wanted me to be girly because it’d just be weird, and same goes for my sister.
Occasionally my mom would say something like “Why can’t you do your chores like Ashley?” And I would say something like “Because Ashley is only doing the chores to suck up to you because she wants to go out on Friday night. I, on the other hand, have no plans for Friday night.” To which she would usually reply “Good, then you can do the dishes.” (My parents, btw, totally rocked - Everyone should meet them)
You’re missing the point. Any comparison putting one child in a positive light and another in a negative light, such as your last example, breeds resentment. It’s also not needed, as others have pointed out. The fact that both children should be doing the laundry with similar skill, and that you want it to be that way, while justifiable, does not necessitate the designation of one child as superior.
There is one situation in which I think it’s legit to use a comparison, although IANA parent, and I could be wrong.
But if one kid is making an excuse that is clearly invalidated by the actions of another, I think it’s legit to call the first kid on it by pointing out that the sibling manages just fine under the same conditions. But note that the excuse has to come first, and the excuse should clearly be horseshit to begin with, and have nothing to do with relative abilities.
Kid 1: I can’t clean my room because you make me do the dishes every night after dinner, which takes an hour and a half. Between that and the four hours of homework I have to do, and this that and the other chore you also make me do, I just can’t manage to clean my room.
Mom or Dad: Oh, you poor suffering put-upon child. Funny how most people, such as your sister, manage to do dinner dishes for four in about half an hour, isn’t it?
Under that kind of circumstance, I think it’s legit to use a comparison. It’s not really a comparison, it’s calling the kid on his or her bs, which s/he knows is bs to begin with. It’ll piss him or her off, but that’s because no one likes being called on their bs.
Yeah, but the thing is, so what if the sib can do it under the same conditions?
The correct answer to the situation you suggest (assuming the excuse is indeed horseshit) is to accept the excuse entirely as given and correct the problem. If it takes an hour and a half to wash dishes, then clearly you need more practice washing dishes. A lot more practice.
Or at least, when I comlained that I didn’t have time to peel potatoes, it got me KP duty for the time necessary for me practice enough to learn to be able to do it quickly. Which seemed like years but was probably more like four days.
No sib involvement necessary. And I can stll peel a mountain of potatoes in no time flat to boot.
Great idea, Marienee! I love it! Not that, at 50, tubes tied, menopausal, and hysterectomied, as well as a dedicated non-parent and single, I expect to have need of it (thank Og!). But it’s still a great idea.