# Never had a girlfriend and nearly 30 **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 30, 2013, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995 "2013-09-30T13:05:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/262 "2013-10-16T17:39:26Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > To elaborate on the activist setting: People do find one another there, and perhaps it happens often, but there’s also an embarrassing and shameful trend of large numbers of horny men getting very excited to suddenly be in the same setting with lots of like-minded women, and aggressively/awkwardly/desperately propositioning/soliciting almost every woman around. They ruin it for the rest of us. From what you’ve posted, I suspect that you couldn’t aggressively and excitedly proposition a fellow activist if you tried. You could be awkward, sure, but that could happen to you anywhere until you get a little more practice. Being a man, I can’t speak for women, but I suspect any single woman interested in having a relationship would be happy to meet an interesting man who shared her values. The problem is with the high volume of aggressive men who’re just looking for babes, not genuine men who just happen to also be single. In other words, yeah those guys might ruin it for you and be a real annoyance to women, but don’t expect women to be too dumb to tell the difference. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/263 "2013-10-16T17:56:45Z")
> [@mrmanface](#): > > the suggestion that i am a misogynist is ridiculous. - > [@mrmanface](#): > > i just happen to have testicles unlike what this forum apparently wants men to do with theirs which is cut them off a put them in a jar labelled “feminist enigma” and continue as though testicles are nothing more than an anomalous blight from the 1800’s. wut? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/264 "2013-10-16T18:41:56Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > Honestly, **OurLordPeace** , your situation seems like one that will be resolved just fine. You have challenges, but so does everyone, and you have strong points too (education, self-awareness, friends, some dating experience). I doubt you’ll ever date around a lot, but dating around a lot is not always the best strategy in finding someone. I’ve dated a lot and I bet you’ll settle down before I will (we’re the same age, and I also have always dealt with depression) because I’m a weirdo in a different way and I don’t know if I even want to (but I kind of wish I did want to). Saying that things will be resolved just fine may be reassuring, but I’m not sure it’s terribly helpful. **OLP** wouldn’t be posting here if he was satisfied with things as they are, or with the progress he’s making on his own. > [@OurLordPeace](#): > > Yeah, I’ve also thought about how I’m years behind my peers in some ways, and I’m trying to catch up. > > To elaborate on the activist setting: People do find one another there, and perhaps it happens often, but there’s also an embarrassing and shameful trend of large numbers of horny men getting very excited to suddenly be in the same setting with lots of like-minded women, and aggressively/awkwardly/desperately propositioning/soliciting almost every woman around. They ruin it for the rest of us. Everybody knows about guys who are too pushy and obnoxious in their dealings with women, but I think some guys (myself definitely included) hear those complaints and err too far on the other side. Tell yourself (and try to believe) that people are fortunate to get to know you; that when you express interest in a woman it doesn’t have to be a burden to her, but an opportunity. It’s totally her choice whether she returns the interest, and back off is she doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/265 "2013-10-16T18:51:18Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Saying that things will be resolved just fine may be reassuring, but I’m not sure it’s terribly helpful. **OLP** wouldn’t be posting here if he was satisfied with things as they are, or with the progress he’s making on his own. You could very well be right, but it’s just the impression I got from the limited amount of information I have. Maybe he just needs more confidence and patience, or maybe he needs something else entirely, I don’t know. I don’t have any better feedback to give, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/266 "2013-10-16T18:58:25Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > Maybe he just needs more confidence… That’s sort of what I was getting at in the rest of my post. I’ve heard “be more confident” many times, and never really understood it. I mean, it always seems like it’s missing the end of the sentence, confident in what? ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/267 "2013-10-16T19:06:51Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > That’s sort of what I was getting at in the rest of my post. I’ve heard “be more confident” many times, and never really understood it. I mean, it always seems like it’s missing the end of the sentence, confident in what? Confidence in oneself and what one can bring to the table in a relationship. You can’t just tell someone to be more confident and then they will be, of course, but for various reasons most people have more or less self-confidence at different times, and can see the difference in their results, even if the thing they were insecure about hasn’t changed. ---
**Author:** ![lisaemc2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@lisaemc2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisaemc2)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/268 "2013-10-16T19:14:50Z")
You pose an interesting question, my friend. Never having had a significant relationship by the age of 30 IS curious but not cringe worthy. What you witness in your childhood home shapes many of the realities of your adult life. Putting more emphasis on learning and self-acceptance can stave off many too soon experiences. Have you witnessed, first hand, successful relationships? Like your parents? In my experience having someone in my life reaps many benefits but it is not the be all end all. I enjoy being alone and have treated many partners as expendable. Sex is a good thing but if that’s all there is it will always end with you questioning yourself. Is that all they want? Is that all I have to give? The best relationship to have is one with yourself. The only way you can truly be with someone else is to be completely at peace with yourself. Here is my experience: When I was 16 I made a list of qualities entitled “My Perfect Mate”. Years later I met a man who I was planning on moving in with. During packing I came across the list and set them against him. He possessed all of the qualities except one; I don’t even remember which one it was because after reading my extensive list, just one could be overlooked. I wish I had listed ‘Would Outlive Me’ because a year and a half later he died. I burned the list and hoped I could find another true love. I have made the mistake of comparing every man since then to this one True Love. A love that was Love At First Sight. It’s quite the Unicorn but it DOES exist. Working on what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be has given me the strength to be on my own and it wasn’t until I was complete within and without myself that I met the man I am with today. We have similar interests and values that enrich and enliven everything when we are together. Without him I am whole but with him I am a whole lot better. I hope this has opened up something within you to answer at least some of what you are asking. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/269 "2013-10-18T11:14:45Z")
> [@woodstockbirdybird](#): > > Oh, you love _Asian_ women, and think Western women are all “grasping, demanding and using”. Yep, nothing fucked up about that. In my experience, usually. The difference with Asian women is that till recently, they weren’t indoctrinated with PC from the time they could speak. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/270 "2013-10-18T11:23:48Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > I’m 31 and have essentially never had a girlfriend. I’ve had a pair of relationships that were very intimate (the first in the summer of 2002, and the second about a decade later), but we weren’t technically “dating.” I’m close friends with both women, and they recently met one another, but that’s another story. I also dated someone for a few weeks in 2000, and someone else for a couple of months in the winter of 2000-2001, but although we used the bf/gf labels, I don’t think those should count. > > I can actually understand what went wrong, in the early years. I desperately wanted to be asexual. I’m a contrarian, often for its own sake, and I had decided I wanted to be one of those icy characters who doesn’t need all that sappy mushy emotional stuff. When, a few years after most of my peers, I realized that I was indeed heterosexual, I began to suffer from the dysthymia (chronic mild depression) that took away much of my youth. The two are probably connected, but I can’t be sure. > > Some depressed people want to hurt themselves with substances or sharp objects. I decided to make myself hopeless in love. There were girls I _knew_ might have been good for me, but instead I consciously developed frightful obsessions with a few (one in particular) who were utterly incompatible with me, and uninterested to boot. I concealed most of this from my parents, so I can’t blame them for not telling me to snap out of it. I was also too depressed to understand that I ought to dial back the eccentric behavior if I wanted a significant other (and/or many friends!) I lost whole school years to this madness. > > I’m amazed that I survived high school and college due to the aforementioned depression that saw me become suicidal on a few occasions, and partially lose touch with reality and engage in some bizarre behavior on others. I graduated and went home, still depressed and underemployed, and spent a lot of time for about five years alone reading, going to concerts, and watching movies. > > All things considered, I completely understand why I had almost no success in all that time. I have more details, but I’ll save them for now. Anyway, eventually I went to grad school in another city. I gradually became much less depressed, though I am once again in therapy, and recently (and for the first time) began taking antidepressant medication. I feel better, look better, act better, and in general I am much better, and yet I still (for the most part) cannot get a date. I guess I can understand why I had some difficulties, since I was adjusting to my new life and becoming un-depressed at the same time I was surrounded by brilliant, beautiful graduate school classmates. > > Even so, I am not (and have never been) shy. Friends (I have problems there too, but I have some friends) say that there’s nothing wrong with me. I tried using OKCupid for a while, but got almost no responses and even fewer dates. I try to leave my house and do things I enjoy, but I don’t really enjoy much. Attempting to pick up women within activist circles is disgraceful, and causes serious problems. Despite all that, meeting women is not terribly difficult. The problem is, when I try to get close to them/communicate interest/ask them out, they reject me, with near-100% reliability. > > There’s more, but I’m really drowsy. If you come across as being in the least bit desperate women will automatically reject you. They tend to go for men that come across as not wanting to have a relationship. I can’t understand it myself, and put in the same classification as women that want to go out with bad boys and then try to change them into good boys with the inevitable failure, and then complain that they are “bastards”. However, I long long ago gave up trying to understand the female dating logic. Platonic friendships turned out to be far less frustrating. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/271 "2013-10-18T11:33:46Z")
> [@Mrmanface](#): > > I don’t know why you people keep posting in a gloating fashion about sex, do you really think I am basing my entire life upon a few fleeting moments of pleasure caused by friction between two sets of genitals ? If I could do without sex I’d probably be happy to see it gone. Such a wasteful expensive, time consuming mess. > > You do your thing thing for a little while and then it is over, there is really nothing to it. I don’t know what the fuss is all about. Sure, you get a bit of a chemical release and possibly feel less angry or uptight for a few days/hours after but overall I don’t see why sex with one woman is different to sex with another, they’re all basically the same. > > So I can assure you that you’re not making me jealous at all and my desire for a girlfriend far transcends the desire for a sex. Although obviously sex is a primary function in a relationship so sex would be important but for different reasons that the one you’re implying. > > Now assuming you weren’t trying to be mean let me have a look at your advice. > > I don’t know what the girl having a career or not has got to do with it. I assume that if a woman has enough money she would still be looking for the best possible mate she can find. Some women want to find a “provider” which just means they look for a man with a better career than what they have. So I think that it is still possible to attract a provider. The problem is that I am a humble person, so I don’t splash around my money too much. I am buying a new car soon, do you think I should mention my new car to women ? > > I am not sure about asking out a different woman everyday. My ego is already at the non-existent level due to years of consistent rejection so I don’t know how much more rejection I could take and I don’t think I know enough women to do that. This approach might just end up getting me arrested or kicked off or banned from the bus. Oh dear, if you think "sex"is only about the male climax you really are missing out on the best part. Given that a normal man can only climax once at a time, while women can have multiple orgasms, good sex would see the female climaxing several times over an hour or two, before the male finally goes over the top. Of course,you might really be a marathon man yourself and just taking the piss. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/272 "2013-10-18T11:40:31Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > So you think the main (only?) thing women are looking for in a mate is a provider. It’s not true, and it contradicts your earlier statement that women are just people with individual wants and needs, but let’s let that go for a bit. You also said that sex isn’t really a big driver for you - that’s not why you want a girlfriend. > > So, why exactly \*do \*you want a girlfriend? Be specific. Because everything you’ve written so far would make it seem like you’d be better off without a GF. Most men would be better off without a GF, except hormones keep them thinking that if they have a GF they’ll have sex on tap; hahahahahaha. Wait till they invent the perfect, affordable sex android and then most women won’t get a look in. ---
**Author:** ![Nicgianni1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/45deac/32.png) [@Nicgianni1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicgianni1)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/273 "2013-10-28T18:56:25Z")
Well, a relationship is a two way street where you get something out of it and the other person gets something out of it. Yes, it is true, women are looking for a meal ticket but, you are also looking for something from them. Don’t be afraid give it a try! ---
**Author:** ![janeslogin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@janeslogin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janeslogin)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2013, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/274 "2013-10-28T23:21:11Z")
With apologies as I did not read six pages of replies but perhaps germane to the subject line: [Dear Prudence: My boyfriend is a 30-year-old virgin.](http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_my_boyfriend_is_a_30_year_old_virgin.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/275 "2013-11-02T14:35:25Z")
Frankly, I think it’s best that the OP stay out of the breeding pool. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/276 "2013-11-02T15:27:00Z")
> [@Kable](#): > > I think the facts are that men are attracted more to the physical yes, but women more to social status. Learn to mimic a high status male and you have it made. Or make some platonic friends with attractive women, then take those friends out dancing (or wherever you’d like to go to meet women) so the women you want to date (who aren’t as attractive/young as the girl you are with) can see you with them. That may work too. Glad I could help. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/277 "2013-11-02T22:23:25Z")
The OP has been banned for being a troll - from this thread, I’d say they got that one right. I imagine this will be locked down soon. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/278 "2013-11-02T22:25:35Z")
That’s a shame. I had someone I thought might be a good match for the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2013, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/279 "2013-11-03T02:51:55Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > That’s a shame. I had someone I thought might be a good match for the OP. What a coincidence. So did we! 😃 (I keed, I keed.) ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2013, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/280 "2013-11-03T03:14:58Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > That’s a shame. I had someone I thought might be a good match for the OP. Perhaps there’s some other aging, socially awkward guy around here that will do instead. ---
**Author:** ![cynthia33](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@cynthia33](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cynthia33)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995/281 "2013-11-07T13:27:25Z")
It doesn’t really matter if you are nearly 30 and don’t have a girlfriend… every body has their right partner… some time soon you meet yours. Just don’t stop looking for her… she is just there waiting for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-had-a-girlfriend-and-nearly-30/669995.md?page=15)