# Never put a penis......... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 7, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403 "2008-05-07T05:52:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/1 "2008-05-07T05:52:06Z")
You all know this thread was inevitable. List on, my friends. in the microwave ---
**Author:** ![Intravenus\_De\_Milo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Intravenus\_De\_Milo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intravenus_De_Milo)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/2 "2008-05-07T06:16:31Z")
…in a [naga jolokia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naga_jolokia) pepper? (Note: I don’t personally have a penis, but still wouldn’t want to get within 5 feet of one of those) ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/3 "2008-05-07T06:18:45Z")
…In a pencil sharpener… ---
**Author:** ![chicken\_wire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@chicken\_wire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chicken_wire)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/4 "2008-05-07T06:25:29Z")
…in charge of a large corporation… ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/5 "2008-05-07T06:39:53Z")
In a [vacuum cleaner](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_225.html). ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Il\_Palazzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Lord\_Il\_Palazzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Il_Palazzo)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/6 "2008-05-07T06:44:41Z")
…in close proximity to a pack of hungry dogs. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_fight\_the\_hypothetical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/59ef9b/32.png) [@Don\_t\_fight\_the\_hypothetical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/7 "2008-05-07T06:46:08Z")
in a blender. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/8 "2008-05-07T07:02:52Z")
In a toaster ---
**Author:** ![TPWombat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbce88/32.png) [@TPWombat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TPWombat)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/9 "2008-05-07T08:39:49Z")
…in a fight with a Sicilian when death is on the line. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/10 "2008-05-07T09:18:01Z")
Actually, I’ve spent too much time hanging around a board where medical types hang out. The way I’d have begun this list would be: **A List of Things to Never Put In a Penis** rusty bailing wire tygon tubing small caliber artillery shells anything currently alive batteries ---
**Author:** ![DellieM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@DellieM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DellieM)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/11 "2008-05-07T09:57:27Z")
In a Hitler costume at a barmitzvah ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/12 "2008-05-07T10:25:24Z")
[QUOTE=TPWombat] …in a fight with a Sicilian when death is on the line. [/QUOTE] in a land war in Asia? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/13 "2008-05-07T11:20:44Z")
… in a sitcom Though I’d probably watch an episode or two of _Two Guys, A Girl and a Penis_, _The Facts of Penis_, or _Penis Brewster_. ---
**Author:** ![hocow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hocow/32/4112_2.png) [@hocow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hocow)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/14 "2008-05-07T11:55:49Z")
…in office. ---
**Author:** ![harmswai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/59ef9b/32.png) [@harmswai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmswai)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/15 "2008-05-07T12:21:42Z")
near an angry spouse/partner with sharp teeth… new to the boards, first post. and what a topic to start… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/16 "2008-05-07T12:31:40Z")
… or shotput a penis. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/17 "2008-05-07T13:11:46Z")
Confirming my theory that there is at least one song about everything, [Penis Envy](http://www.yellowtailrecords.com/lyrics/lyr_ub1.html#penis), by Uncle Bonsai. Sample lyrics… _If I had a penis I’d take it to parties Stretch it and stroke it And shove it at smarties I’d take it to pet shows And teach it to stay I’d stuff it in turkeys On Thanksgiving Day_ ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_Clock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Shot\_Clock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_Clock)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/18 "2008-05-07T13:22:05Z")
…in charge of foreign policy. ---
**Author:** ![Spezza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Spezza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spezza)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/19 "2008-05-07T13:27:50Z")
…where your mother could find it. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/20 "2008-05-07T13:32:50Z")
One of those Chinese finger trap things. **Robot Arm** ’s post reminds me of the King Missile song “Detachable Penis”… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403.md?page=2)