# Never put a penis......... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 7, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403 "2008-05-07T05:52:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/21 "2008-05-07T13:32:52Z")
In my first girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/22 "2008-05-07T13:35:27Z")
Dare I even ask, **Zebra**? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/23 "2008-05-07T13:41:37Z")
… off until tomorrow when you could do it today. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/24 "2008-05-07T13:50:26Z")
… to do a man’s job. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/25 "2008-05-07T13:57:08Z")
A [vagina with teeth.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata) ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/26 "2008-05-07T14:50:39Z")
A swimming pool drain. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/27 "2008-05-07T14:54:15Z")
Same answer as I gave for the vagina thread: in Michael Jackson. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/28 "2008-05-07T15:01:03Z")
… in a spiced eggplant, unless you _really_ have to … where a goat can get at it … in a dead deer lying by the side of the road ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/29 "2008-05-07T15:01:57Z")
on a slow boat to China. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/30 "2008-05-07T15:04:43Z")
where you wouldn’t put your tongue. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/31 "2008-05-07T15:26:03Z")
any place near a playful kitten. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/32 "2008-05-07T15:32:44Z")
…in me. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/33 "2008-05-07T15:57:13Z")
[QUOTE=John DiFool] Dare I even ask, **Zebra**? [/QUOTE] She’d made Alex Forrest look completly stable. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/34 "2008-05-07T17:52:51Z")
In the family pet ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/35 "2008-05-07T17:57:42Z")
… in the pickle slicer. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/36 "2008-05-07T18:36:03Z")
[QUOTE=lieu] … in the pickle slicer. [/QUOTE] What happened to the pickle slicer? She got fired also. Thank you, try the veal. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/37 "2008-05-07T18:50:41Z")
in the path of a mighty sword. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/38 "2008-05-07T18:54:36Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] **A List of Things to Never Put In a Penis** [/QUOTE] A knitting needle. A friend of mine was an Army doctor, and had to treat a soldier who complained of extreme pain when urinating. It took a half-hour of awkward questioning to get him to admit he’d been using a knitting needle, catheter-style, to pleasure himself. Eeeeew. Another friend of mine is a blacksmith. He bought a “power hammer” (a big mechanical contraption that combines an automatic hammer with a built-in anvil, and strikes about 3 times per second when you press the pedal). As we were installing it in his garage, the guy whom he was buying it from (a very salty guy, with a thick Wisconsin accent) pointed out that the striking surface was about crotch-height. His warning: “Don’t stick yer dick in dat.” ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/39 "2008-05-07T19:44:07Z")
…through a [wild bee’s front door](http://www.landcroc.com/images/honeybeecopy.JPG). ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/40 "2008-05-07T19:49:07Z")
…in the [popcorn](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mX42S4OO6aA). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403.md?page=3)