# Never put a penis......... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 7, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403 "2008-05-07T05:52:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Pixilated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aeb1de/32.png) [@Pixilated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixilated)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/41 "2008-05-07T19:58:35Z")
in boiling salt water (or hot oil) ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/42 "2008-05-07T20:41:33Z")
. . . in a goat unless you have already established a deep personal relationship. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/43 "2008-05-07T20:49:53Z")
…Anywhere, ever. Yeah, I’m bitter. What? _What?!_ ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/44 "2008-05-07T21:32:10Z")
> [@](#): > > Never put a penis… > > * * * > > in the path of a mighty sword. Why not? It’s Mightier than the Sword ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/45 "2008-05-07T21:34:21Z")
The pen is? ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/46 "2008-05-07T21:43:04Z")
Where you can’t find it when you need it. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/47 "2008-05-07T21:43:39Z")
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] The pen is? [/QUOTE] The pen15? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/48 "2008-05-07T21:47:06Z")
[Penisland](http://www.penisland.net/)! (Link completely SFW - and all y’all have dirty minds. :p) ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/49 "2008-05-07T21:55:44Z")
in the [printer](http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/printer.asp) ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/50 "2008-05-07T21:56:39Z")
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] The pen is? [/QUOTE] My wife’s an elementary school teacher. A couple of years ago, she had a couple of boys in her class who just got goofy about the word “penis”, and how “pen” and “pencil” were close to it. Every time someone in the class said “pen” or “pencil”, they’d erupt in Beavis-and-Butthead-style laughter. Finally, she’d had enough. Holding up a pencil, she yelled, “This is not a PENIS! This is a PENCIL! It’s a NORMAL WORD! Knock it off already!” The boys, of course, were mortified at an adult woman saying the amazing P-word directly to them. It was like some kind of mystical word of power or something. (Which, of course, we know it is. 😃 ) ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/51 "2008-05-07T22:13:18Z")
DAMMIT **ROBOT ARM**!!! _If I had a penis I’d climb every mountain I’d force it on females I’d pee like a fountain If I had a penis I’d still be a girl But I’d make much more money And conquer the world._ ---
**Author:** ![ryobserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@ryobserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ryobserver)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/52 "2008-05-07T22:44:53Z")
Never put a penis: In or against an industrial belt grinder. (Actual medical case. Don’t close the resultant scrotal avulsion with a carpenter’s staple gun either, no matter how much you don’t want to go to the ER.) Never put in a penis: An injection of ground-up Viagra pills. (Also actual medical case. Patient got the desired erection; 16 hours later he still had it, and had to get medical help to get rid of it. Inflammation set in, scar tissue formed, impotence became permanent. Take all medications ONLY as directed, guys.) ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/53 "2008-05-07T23:51:03Z")
… in the mashed potatoes if it isn’t that kind of a party. … in a bowl of horseradish. … in a box, if she might open the box in public. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/54 "2008-05-08T02:03:45Z")
in a crazy person. I use that theory in my personal life. I wish there was a better femal equivilant, since I am a posessor of breasts. ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/55 "2008-05-08T03:01:02Z")
[QUOTE=hocow] …in office. [/QUOTE] Too late! ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/56 "2008-05-08T06:20:09Z")
in another mans’ vagina ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/57 "2008-05-08T16:09:01Z")
[QUOTE=Lynne\_kilii] in a crazy person. I use that theory in my personal life. I wish there was a better femal equivilant, since I am a posessor of breasts. [/QUOTE] There’s the old generic, “Never lie down with someone who’s got more troubles than you.” ---
**Author:** ![Darkmoor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@Darkmoor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkmoor)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/58 "2008-05-08T16:16:43Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] … anything currently alive … [/QUOTE] You sure about that one? I, for one, am a pretty big fan of my sexual partners not being, y’know, _not_ currently alive. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/59 "2008-05-08T16:29:02Z")
I cannot believe nobody has said “in a hot apple pie.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403/60 "2008-05-08T19:21:49Z")
…or any other kind of baked good, if there’s the remotest chance your parents might come home early. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/never-put-a-penis/448403.md?page=4)