# New book for kids: ""Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 21, 2005, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777 "2005-09-21T20:48:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/41 "2005-09-22T00:28:53Z")
> [@CynicalGabe](#): > > I wish there were liberals under _my_ bed. > > Hot, lesbian ones! Maybe if you cleaned under that bed once in a while… ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/42 "2005-09-22T00:30:13Z")
> [@Metacom](#): > > Someone needs to publish “Help! Mom! There are Conservatives Under My Bed!” > It’ll start off with the children running a succesful lemonade stand (although several customers get mildly ill due to their refusal to follow health and safety codes). Then they get drafted, and serve in the infantry in an imperialist war of agression against a country that we suspect may have harbored an intent to plan to harm us. Billy is killed in the war when a mortar fragment disembowls him, and the same explosion that killed Billy makes Johnny a deaf, dumb, and mute quadrapalegic. The entire story is told by him, after the explosion, has he remembers his past life from a series of cheap, corrupt nursing homes (which are the only ones who’ll take him given the measly benefits payed him by the government). Gee, that’s not the ending I remember. In the version of the book I saw, the kids’ lemonade stand was driven into bankruptcy by the VERYBIGMART that went in across the street, and when the kids went to the bankruptcy court they found that the statute had been recently revised to protect their creditors and not them. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/43 "2005-09-22T00:33:16Z")
It’s silly. Everyone knows liberals can’t hide under the bed, the alligators will eat them. They better not go in the closet either - there’s a big hairy monster in there 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/44 "2005-09-22T01:04:26Z")
My only objection is the title. To display the problem with liberals, the title should be “There are Liberals Behind My Stand” or “There are Liberals Sitting on My Stand” or something. If anyone were to hide under the bed to impose the “correct” values, it would be the Conservatives. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/45 "2005-09-22T01:14:12Z")
I don’t get why none of the conservative posters in this thread are willing to explicitly say that this book is bad and stupid. I mean, if the converse book were sold, in which the Conservative government imprisoned the one of the kid’s parents for being gay or chopped down their lemon trees to build golf courses, I’d be fucking embarrassed. I’m embarrassed when some lunatic on my own side hatefully attacks those who don’t share our views. I’m embarrassed when some liberal jerk decides to create ludicrous strawmen to attack. But this book - which peddles ridiculous lies about “liberal” government, and focuses explicitly on teaching hate for those who aren’t conservatives - doesn’t this embarrass you, **Bricker** and **Debaser**? Wouldn’t you rather this not be out there as a representation of your politics? Because I sure wouldn’t want it out there making me look bad if I were you guys. Is it more important to maintain that GOP clannishness than to try to make sure your own guys aren’t making you look bad? ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/46 "2005-09-22T01:20:15Z")
Damnit, **Revtim** , I came here to post that. You missed the part where Osama Bin Laden was named UN secretary-general and was planning on bombing NYC. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/47 "2005-09-22T01:24:09Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Seems to fit my standards, so I would not ban this book, nor burn it. Why, that’s mighty tolerant of you there, friend. Perhaps you could point us to the people in this thread who have called for banning or burning. Of course, your statement that you would not ban or burn _this_ book suggests that there are, in fact, some books that you _would_ ban or burn. Mind letting us know what type of books might fall into that category? ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/48 "2005-09-22T01:47:07Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Why, that’s mighty tolerant of you there, friend. Perhaps you could point us to the people in this thread who have called for banning or burning. > > Of course, your statement that you would not ban or burn _this_ book suggests that there are, in fact, some books that you _would_ ban or burn. > > Mind letting us know what type of books might fall into that category? Burning was suggested in one of the quotes in post 7. It shouldn’t be burned, merely mocked openly. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/49 "2005-09-22T01:53:49Z")
> [@BayleDomon](#): > > Burning was suggested in one of the quotes in post 7. Yes, but it wasn’t suggested as a serious option by anyone actually involved in this discussion. I would have thought, as a general proposition, that avowing your opposition to the burning of books was a fairly unnecessary task, on this message board at least. ---
**Author:** ![Metacom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecae2f/32.png) [@Metacom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Metacom)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/50 "2005-09-22T01:57:22Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > I would have thought, as a general proposition, that avowing your opposition to the burning of books was a fairly unnecessary task, on this message board at least. This message board? The message board where “I burning your dog” is a popular phrase? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/51 "2005-09-22T02:02:09Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Yes, but it wasn’t suggested as a serious option by anyone actually involved in this discussion. I would have thought, as a general proposition, that avowing your opposition to the burning of books was a fairly unnecessary task, on this message board at least. If I were a cynic like **Excalibre** (who poses a very good question, by the way), I might think it’s the whole rank and file thing. The daily memo has given strict orders to support this pillar of neocon values, and everyone’s trying to comply while doing their best not to betray the faint spark of moral character that lurks somewhere deep within them still. Saying “I wouldn’t burn this book” is like saying of a former employee “He dressed nicely.” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![BabaBooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@BabaBooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BabaBooey)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/52 "2005-09-22T02:36:38Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > My favorite part is the note from the publisher: > (emphasis mine) What the hell? Which children’s books are telling kids to light up? “Curious George Gets Really Baked”? “Hop on Pop”? “Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Abandoned VW Van”? > > More importantly, why didn’t I get to read them when I was a kid? [It’s Just a Plant.](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0976011700/qid=1127357268/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-5845757-6396800?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/53 "2005-09-22T02:56:27Z")
Am I the only one who is having a hard time taking this seriously? I haven’t read this book. From the title and the little bit of description it sounds pretty dumb. Instead of getting all outraged and throwing tantrums, why not just hold it up for all to see and ridicule the shit out of it publicly? make fun of it. Make fun of the author. Make fun of “the kind of people” who would buy it. Give it as much attention as possible, turn it into a huge laughing stock and be done with it. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/54 "2005-09-22T03:15:17Z")
> [@SteveG1](#): > > Am I the only one who is having a hard time taking this seriously? I haven’t read this book. From the title and the little bit of description it sounds pretty dumb. Instead of getting all outraged and throwing tantrums, why not just hold it up for all to see and ridicule the shit out of it publicly? make fun of it. Make fun of the author. Make fun of “the kind of people” who would buy it. Give it as much attention as possible, turn it into a huge laughing stock and be done with it. Are we reading the same thread? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/55 "2005-09-22T03:15:19Z")
> [@Excalibre](#): > > But this book - which peddles ridiculous lies about “liberal” government, and focuses explicitly on teaching hate for those who aren’t conservatives - doesn’t this embarrass you, **Bricker** and **Debaser**? Wouldn’t you rather this not be out there as a representation of your politics? Because I sure wouldn’t want it out there making me look bad if I were you guys. Is it more important to maintain that GOP clannishness than to try to make sure your own guys aren’t making you look bad? I call bullshit on this. **Bricker** and **Debaser** didn’t write the book, haven’t promoted the book, and haven’t said anything particularly good about the book. Why demand that they issue a statement denouncing it? It’s ridiculous to expect all conservatives to speak up every time some nutjob in their party does something stupid. Hell, I think those [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) book reviews quoted at the beginning of the thread are far stupider than the book itself, yet I didn’t feel any obligation to waste my time formally denouncing them just because I happen to be a liberal. There’s idiots everywhere. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/56 "2005-09-22T03:21:25Z")
> [@BayleDomon](#): > > Are we reading the same thread? I think so, but some people sound pretty serious. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/57 "2005-09-22T03:28:55Z")
Addendum. According to the examples in post #7, some people out there (some people are really really Out There) are taking it very seriously. It’s the End Of Days. We’re all doomed. All because of this silly little book. ---
**Author:** ![Stephe96](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Stephe96](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephe96)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/58 "2005-09-22T04:45:10Z")
Hmmm. I’d like to see more books in this series. How 'bout **Help! There’s A Liberal Driving The Car!** , featuring, of course, the Ted Kennedy character? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/59 "2005-09-22T04:51:06Z")
There are books for all walks of life. Here’s one for the newly married wife by a moral leader, said by previous lovers to be a “[wizard in the sheets](http://www.salon.com/people/feature/1999/08/23/drlaura/)”, so she knows a man’s needs! [THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS by Dr. Laura Schlessinger](http://www.americancompass.com/doc/full_site_enrollment/detail/fse_product_detail.jhtml?repositoryId=787322B130) For the disadvantaged whiners, here’s a man whom pulled himself up by his own stumps [NO EXCUSES: THE ASTONISHING STORY OF A CONGENITAL AMPUTEE WHO BEAT THE ODDS, BECAME A COLLEGE ATHLETE, AND INSPIRED MILLIONS by Kyle Maynard](http://www.americancompass.com/doc/full_site_enrollment/detail/fse_product_detail.jhtml?repositoryId=058730B130) ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2005, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777/60 "2005-09-22T04:51:14Z")
Bwah-ha-ha-ha! What fools, these running dog jackals of the ruling class! Comrade Big Bird has warped the minds of millions! They are ours! Ours! And we didn’t even have to wait for them to get to college and into the clutches of our Academic Commissariat! (I know Ayn Rand wrote a lot of books for the spiritually retarded, but did she ever actually write any children’s books?) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-book-for-kids-help-mom-there-are-liberals-under-my-bed/322777.md?page=4)