# New Chick Tract... The Worst One Ever **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 15, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803 "2005-12-15T20:46:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/61 "2005-12-16T18:02:10Z")
I love how anyone (the evil mom in this case) is depicted as an ugly, hideous harridan for disagreeing with God’s word. Then when they accept Jesus, they become nicer looking. Oh darling, baptism can do _wonders_ for your crow’s feet! ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/62 "2005-12-16T19:20:13Z")
“Everyone will know why God won’t allow you into heaven.” Isn’t that heresy? I thought Heaven/Hell was a choice, a not by works are you saved kinda thing. ---
**Author:** ![JSexton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/96bed5/32.png) [@JSexton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JSexton)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/63 "2005-12-16T19:46:08Z")
Is the husband in this one played by Ron Jeremy, or is that only my imagination? Also, I’m pretty sure the difference between Dirty Diamond and Dirty Sanchez is only a matter of degree. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/64 "2005-12-16T19:55:54Z")
Coming next week: The Rusty Trombone! ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/65 "2005-12-16T23:53:45Z")
> [@Freddy the Pig](#): > > Two comments about the crucifixion panel–first, that’s a really buff Jesus, and second, I continue to be intrigued at how Chick emphasizes the scourging since _Passion of the Christ_. > > Plot flaws: Mailmen don’t knock on your door to deliver your mail, anywhere. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, a mailman _might_ inquire if he sees the mail accumulating in the mailbox over a period of time. But this guy was only out of commission for _two days_! > > Why did the family have to _return_ the diamond? They could have just thrown it out so as not to hurt the old man’s feelings. Perhaps accepting the diamond carried with it a moral obligation to pay the doctor as the old man requested, but that’s a stretch. Wouldn’t he be on Medicare anyway? > > Property doesn’t escheat to the state just because you die intestate. I believe the property has to be unclaimed for a period of time. You can only be saved through huge plot holes and logical errors. HAW HAW HAW! ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2005, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/66 "2005-12-16T23:57:16Z")
> [@Anne Neville](#): > > In Chick’s Christianity, [it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you believe and pray the way he does](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0037/0037_01.asp). If you do, you go to heaven; if you don’t, you go to hell. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. “Something **evil** is coming to town. I can **FEEL IT**!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/67 "2005-12-17T01:04:25Z")
> [@Max the Immortal](#): > > _Chortle_ > > It’s starting to amaze me how you never see a Chick Tract in which the Sinner™ is told all about Jesus, and he says something to the effect of, “Gee, that’s really interesting; I’ll give it some thought.”. He either eagerly accepts salvation, or rudely rejects it and promptly goes to hell. Apparently, in Jack Chick’s world, whether or not to accept the Lord’s everlasting love and forgiveness must be a snap decision based on information given to you by a stranger :rolleyes: . Nor does anyone say, “Thanks, for even though I have lived my entire life in the US, a country where we are saturated with Christianity, I have never heard of this Jesus of whom you speak.” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/68 "2005-12-17T01:43:49Z")
> [@Max the Immortal](#): > > whether or not to accept the Lord’s everlasting love and forgiveness must be a snap decision based on information given to you by a stranger Only if the stranger is also offering candy. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/69 "2005-12-17T02:12:29Z")
> [@Anne Neville](#): > > In Chick’s Christianity, [it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you believe and pray the way he does](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0037/0037_01.asp). If you do, you go to heaven; if you don’t, you go to hell. Yow! Chick’s in favor of prostitutes marrying one another? Cool! ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/70 "2005-12-17T02:50:28Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > So, by day he’s a lawyer, by night he’s a missionary? > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > He was asked to assume the position. Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/71 "2005-12-17T06:13:09Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Nor does anyone say, “Thanks, for even though I have lived my entire life in the US, a country where we are saturated with Christianity, I have never heard of this Jesus of whom you speak.” Actually, that IS what they seem to say. No-one in these tracts (aside from the “savior” of the episode) ever seems to have heard of Jesus, which makes me wonder what rock they gestated beneath. (My English teacher may kill me for that.) I’m also wondering…when the wife calls her husband a “Moron,” why is it capitalized? Is it a title? An honorific? A subtle slap at the Latter-Day Saints? I wanna see more of Li’l Suzy. She’s got that huge-eyed anime thing going. I’m betting Satan has penis-shaped tentacles. Rock my eternal soul, Suzy-babe. Boom-chaka-laka-laka, boom-chaka-laka-laka…take one for the Lord. Okay…I am now going to Hell ahead of _all of you!!_ Eat my dust, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/72 "2005-12-17T07:04:11Z")
I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry. Seriously, just for once I want to see someone say, “Dude, I’ve heard of Jesus, duh.” Although I’d LOVE to pull that shit with a missionary and see if they fall for it. “Who’s Jesus?” ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/73 "2005-12-18T01:49:17Z")
A friend of mine, Buddhist, responded to a missionary’s question (“Have you heard of Jesus?”) with, “Yes, I’ve heard the name and I understand some people think he was a very good man.” ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/74 "2005-12-18T10:29:10Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry. Seriously, just for once I want to see someone say, “Dude, I’ve heard of Jesus, duh.” > > Although I’d LOVE to pull that shit with a missionary and see if they fall for it. “Who’s Jesus?” No need to apologize, **Guin.** You blew right past me with that one. It was evidently my day to be clueless. I’ve always thought that was amazing about his tracts, too. Who in the English speaking world hasn’t heard of Jesus in some form or another? Truly Mr. Chick lives on his own planet. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/75 "2005-12-18T10:44:45Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Someone needs to show him Everquest or World of Warcraft. I’m sure he could find all kinds of evil there, and it’s be a _scream_ to see him imitate the lingo. Mom: Billy, come on downstairs for dinner! Billy: I can’t Mom, my guild is raiding Elderman! If I mess this up they’ll get their Shadow Priest to cast a Banishment spell on me and I’ll be a newb again! Mom: Well don’t take too long Billy, it’ll get cold. Billy: Mom, I have to concentrate! Leave me alone! !@#$ I just got ganked by a trollhunter! Shut up Mom! Mom: Billy! You’re in big trouble, young man! (later) Preacher at door: Hello ma’am. I’d like to tell you about the dangers of the game called World of Warcraft. Mom: Oh yes, Billy plays that game. I had to take it away from him for a while because he said a bad word, but now he’s playing again. Preacher: You should take it away permanently. That game is a tool for seducing boys and girls to Satan’s side by using the Internet, where parents don’t understand how things work. Mom: Oh my! I had no idea. Preacher: Soon the game will feature a new area where the players will be able to travel to Hell, and consort with all the vile creatures that live there. You must tell your son to turn to Jesus before it’s too late. Mom: Oh, but he hardly listens to me anymore. What can I do? Preacher: Let me talk to the boy. Billy: Yeah! Take that you \*&^$ lamer! Preacher: Billy, that’s not the kind of language the Lord likes to hear from little boys. Billy: Who are you? Preacher: I’m here to save your soul. You want to go to heaven when you die, don’t you? Billy: What do I care? That won’t be for a very long time. Preacher: It might be soon, you never know. Why, what if your guild decided to banish you, and you were so upset you tried to kill yourself? Billy: What? How do you know about that? Preacher: I’ve seen it happen before, Billy. Lots of good kids get seduced by these guilds in the World of Warcraft game, and then they get caught up in all these evil activities like ganking each other and kiting mobs to the Iron Forge so other people can get ganked too. Billy: (Whoa, he knows about the game! Maybe I better listen.) Preacher: Jesus doesn’t want you to gank or get ganked, Billy. He wants you to be saved. He wants you to know that soon the game will let you travel straight to Hell and consort with demons. You don’t want to be trapped in Hell, do you Billy? Billy: No sir. Preacher: Good, good! All you have to do is accept the Lord into your heart, and you will be saved! Billy: Thank you mister! I don’t want to be ganked for real! I want to be saved! **Don’t get ganked in Hell, accept the Lord Jesus as your Savior.** ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/76 "2005-12-18T14:48:22Z")
You left out the “Now! On your knees!” That’s the best part. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/77 "2005-12-18T15:26:10Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry. Seriously, just for once I want to see someone say, “Dude, I’ve heard of Jesus, duh.” > > Although I’d LOVE to pull that shit with a missionary and see if they fall for it. “Who’s Jesus?” Then there’s the scenario where the Chick-character-of-the-day happens to be walking through a Puerto Rican neighborhood and the person says “Oh, sure, I know Jesús, he works at the County office… wait, that’s Jesús Martínez – or do you mean Jesús Irizarry, the grocer? Then there’s Jesús Vega, but I know _he’s_ not into religion at all…” ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/78 "2005-12-19T07:43:37Z")
I work with a dude named Jesus. He curses quite a lot. The Google ads are tripping me out right now. “Believe in Jesus? We’ll pay you p}{@+ 13\|+!!!1!!1!!!” I think Jesus would have to lay his vengeance upon those motherfuckers. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/79 "2005-12-19T14:44:18Z")
Stepping back to review _The Dirty Diamond_ as a whole, one must admit that it’s unambitious and pedestrian, with none of the cackling demons, roaring Hellfire, or shameless Catholic-baiting we’ve come to expect from a Chick tract. It’s competently executed, but not much more–rather as if Spielberg were to crank out a formulaic 90-minute romantic comedy. And yet it’s almost redeemed by the ending. “Let’s settle this–on our knees!” Every time I read it, I want to add “, bitch” or “in a bondage harness!” It’s one of the all-time great Chick lines. Don’t consign him to the retirement home just yet. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803/80 "2005-12-19T16:09:44Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Okay, wait a tick… > > ‘God doesn’t want _ **anyone** _ to go to Hell.’ > > God is omniscient, right? So he know in advance who will be sent to hell and who won’t. He knows this for everyone who ever lived, and everyone who ever _will_ live. Since he knows who will go to Hell, he can A) prevent them from being born, thus preventing _ **anyone** _ from going to Hell; or B) intervene to keep them from going to Hell. But he doesn’t. > > Some would say that people have ‘free will’, and they have an opportunity to change. Some say that God is ‘testing’ people. But if one already knows – absolutely – the outcome of an experiment, isn’t the experiment pointless? Or worse, cruel? > > 😕 We can only hope Cthulhu devours us all before the experiment ends. I don’t think there’s an afterlife in Cthulhuism. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-the-worst-one-ever/335803.md?page=5)